Msnak

The following is my account after seven days of no contact, but seven days of 1 million questions!! The questions were about to send me over the edge! MINUTES BEFORE THE CALL: Oh, my gosh, I just got a strange feeling of bravery that has come from you! Thanks so very much I am going to call him and try to get some answers. I'll let you know how it goes. It helped not having time today to overanalyze things, I had dinner with a friend right after work, so we talked and she thought what you did-- that maybe "my guy" just doesn't know much about dating. I may not get an answer about how many women he's dated over the phone tonight—if he answers & is available—but I'll certainly ask face-to-face if we get that chance again. I'm not afraid of rejection, he might get scared off, but I stopped caring! I want answers! This soldier is indeed marching forward….I'll let you know if he marches with me! The defining words you inspired me with in the private email you sent are: "Need to make the moves and find out! Your life needs to continue forward.. don't hold yourself back because of one guys inability to communicate effectively with you." THANKS!! AFTER THE CALL: I can't feel the blood flow through my left hand (I'm left-handed)--I just called "my guy" he was happy to hear from me and just left work and is on his way, at 10 p.m. to take care of stuff for his sports club he said he promises to call me tomorrow so we can really talk i completely believe him, and I'm so glad i called and now i cna't type, sorry for typos and incomplete sentences. i'm so happy i need to go for a late-night run or something! God bless you for inspiring me, I thank you and I will keep you posted.

Ah, now you're just spoiling me! I've had today as a holiday off from work, allowing me to send more emails than normal. Have a good day!

Now, to answer your questions about my situation: You asked: Have you got any real signs from this fellow? Decent hardcore stuff you can give me? - signs that it's over (decreasing contact) - signs there's a chance (apologies, an opportunity to see what keeps him busy {visiting his soccer teammates}, he does most of the talking and talks about personal things, requests for dates, request to travel to the West Coast U.S. together) Characteristics in the way he is? - Things I adore about him: Never-married; Close to his family; Friendly; Smart; Understanding; Funny; Christian; Athletic; Hard worker; Gentleman; Good listener; Patient. - Stuff that worries me: his busy schedule (time spent with friends, work & soccer); Somewhat passive/shy; Like me he hates telephones; Uncertain about his life & career goals; Seems shy talking about relationships. My conclusion is that he may be confused about our relationship and not sure how to tell me. But he seems to always reach out, as do I. So, this is why I feel crazy!!!! I will not be soccer widow! You're right, I do keep to myself. I don't let a lot of people in, because I see how others get burned and I am a career chick and nerd. You're so right when you said: "A man who apologizes for his actions once should be enough. If he continues the same mistake over and over again.. and apologizes over and over again… in my opinion is not a good thing." The apologies are what have made me walk away this time. As I've experienced it with my friends, one said she would've given up months ago, and the others all say I should not give up. I'm kind of thinking that the guy I like is either (A) not interested and being friendly or (B) confused, shy and bad with women. He's an engineer, not that that's an excuse! LOL! Boy, you're clever. I admire the statement you made: "Advice without emotional attachment." I appreciate the advice, thank you!

I didn't forget! Now, to answer your questions: 1. What do women generally want from a man in conversation? 2. How can I make her emotionally excited? I didn't answer this right away because I wanted to think about it (and finish my errands, laundry, etc.!). I came up with the following: 1. We want subjects that we relate to. More than five minutes of your time. Questions directed at us. Ask simple stuff: How was your day? No bad language. No dirty jokes. Some talk about feelings, but not too much and nothing too heavy. We want updates, feedback and insight. Honesty. Be a little revealing without making us your therapist. Show some vulnerability without being a baby. Repeat things to show you've listened. Pay attention and don't interrupt. Don't disagree too much. Don't dwell on one thing too long. --This should fit most women. (Sorry, I'm a communications major!) 2. Emotionally excited…consider putting away the macho mask and just being yourself. Don't hide anything but don't ramp it up either. Compliment a woman and ask about how she feels about things. This is tough, I guess I need more of an explanation of exactly what you mean? Well, I wouldn't count her out until you have coffee and see what she says, read her body language, ask her point blank if she's interested in you – but temper it by saying, "be honest, I won't be offended, just say it." I hope she calls you first during the week. A week is long. Can you email her just to say "Hope you're having a good day" ?? I understand you want more revealing info from her, but maybe she can't deliver yet. Maybe she doesn't know how. And because she is "THE LADY" – as you say – be patient and give it your all. That way you won't have regrets and you can always say you tried. Then, should you have to move on to someone else, you'll know you exhausted that relationship and then hopefully your heart and head will be able to rebound, grow and be ever stronger. Now…your situation is sounding a bit like mine in that you said: "I only continue with her weekly contact, as if it was a refill at the weeks end.. to get me through another week running on empty." I've gotten to that point just recently after the three months of knowing him. We balance it out with a phone call and an email or two during the week. It's contact but it's not enough for me! Thanks for all the compliments and the advice. I will write more, I'm still "digesting" some of what you wrote. Love it, keep it coming!!!

You rock! I adore your responses! OK, here's my 2 cents for you: I love the quote you sent me, and it's true. That's what I keep telling myself in my head as to why I won't contact him right now. He has to contact me because that's what any logical guy would do to show he cared, especially when he said he'd call. And he always does. He always apologizes and explains profusely but I'm sick of it! I'm almost to the point where he'd have to get down on his knees and pull some Backstreet Boy crap to get me back. Maybe we should get together, at least we know we wouldn't do confusing & hurtful stuff while getting to know each other! J LOL! I really don't think that the other party knows the damage they inflict during the waiting period. And the waiting period feels different for each party. Sometimes you're really too busy to call and sometimes you're just thinking things over. Either way, time is passing and silence speaks volumes. It also gives birth to voices in your head that either give you hope or doubts. Trust me, I recognize that I'm a good catch. I think many of us are. Especially if we can see our own issues and flaws and are trying to work on them. Because we're all flawed. When you said you "over analyze everything and should just relax a bit" – that's amazing because you're recognizing perhaps, a flaw? It's a HUGE flaw for me. That and finding things to complain about. (Which is why I love this board!) And when you said you overanalyze and stick around because "if only the other half wasn't everything I try and look for in a women, I would not be as affected" …. WOW…. That's how I feel. You said it exactly when you wrote: "Imagine what you desire in a man was all reality. There in front of you.." This man fits every category of what I look for...he's a walking-talking wish list of mine! I just hate that both of us are so confused. Still, I've strategized but I'm so tired now. I'm seeking that balance you mentioned. I've even adopted some theme songs for when I feel weak and nearly call him. Sarah McLachlan's "Stupid" and Cake's "You're Never There." If you like, check out the lyrics if you're unfamiliar with the message, but each song sums up how I feel. I can explain everything to him if I saw him face-to-face, I know it. But I'm doubting that will happen now. And it's OK, I won't regret it, because I feel I've done all I can do. I just hope I'm not being lazy or pessimistic. I love what you said when you wrote: "Some people get together in 3 days... some in 3 months, some in 3 years..." You're right. Life brings people back sometimes. I know I've had second and third chances before. You're so smart and in touch with feelings, when you click with that right person you'll be the answer to their dream in the sense that every woman wants a guy who isn't feelings-stupid. Technically, until there's a commitment on both parts, either of you could go date/kiss other people. But that is so cheap. Because each person deserves to be "evaluated" on their own with no clouded judgment or competition. So I like the way you are on this. I've thought about moving on with another guy, whom I met one night at a 311 concert, but he's NOT MY GUY! He's the anti-my guy! He's sweet, but even he knows my heart is elsewhere, thus that's a relationship that'll never begin I guess. Lastly, to paraphrase your words, "we're all STUPID for even bothering and taking a risk with someone" volatile or not—that's what letting someone into our lives is all about. Women love to shop and fashion is a great thing to interest most women. P.S. I hate MTV too. It gives you cheap ideas on how to conduct relationships. And when so many families are in shambles or have no parents to care enough to discuss how to treat the opposite sex, people cling to TV for examples and guidance. Sad.

Yeah, I think the guy does need to "lead" the relationship. Of course, there are bad leaders out there, but that's another topic! By date two or three, I think the woman should be able to call and not make the guy do all the work. But yes, part of the "should I call" or "should I wait for him/her to call" game is because we figure action speaks louder than words. So, if someone doesn't call you, it means something usually. Especially if it's repeat behavior.

Jaela: Send the text message but do nothing more. That message just says you're thinking about him. I think you're in the early stages where you're both wondering about things, and it's so easy to get bogged down & busy, that he probably meant no harm by not calling. It's such a guy thing, rude, no excuse really, but it's worth forgiving if he does get in touch again in a reasonable amount of time.

About the advice, you're welcome! I'm glad you can strategize and vent. We all need an outlet for it. Sometimes our closest friends get tired of hearing us, or they belittle us w/o realizing it, so it's like you look another place to think/talk things over. Anyway…I'm to the point where if you think someone's a good catch, even if its weeks later, you MUST ignore society's rules and go with what feels right for you. If pursuing for a bit works, go for it. If walking away works, try that. I think it's the waiting period that stinks the most. My relationship with this guy has resulted in me writing several poems about relationships, mostly negative. So even if we never become anything, he's gotten me out of my writer's block! Very interesting what you wrote about the "dating past and habits of my interest" and how you said your chica likes to randomly make out with guys. You deserve better; let's hope she doesn't make that a habit. Maybe that was just something she said to puff out her chest a bit and warn you that she's eye candy or capable of attracting others in case you two don't work out. Bravado, if you will. Hmm. You requested advice on seeing her w/o looking too obvious. Did you mean dating ideas? Or just new ways to ask her out? Let me know! Anyway again…I love what you wrote about the ratio of "4 females to 1 man.." that cracked me up. I just read in today's paper some Associated Press article about being single and how TV makes it not seem so bad and part of that is because of "Seinfeld" and "Sex and the City." And it talked about how there are so many more single females. I'm going to step out on a limb and risk falling flat by saying this: Men have their pick, and some women—so desperate for a relationship, or having seen bad examples of relationships—will let a guy get away with entirely too much. Naturally, guys don't sit and discuss relationships with each other the way women do. So this may not be obvious to most guys. Ok, enough rambling about things over my head! LOL! No, I haven't yet found out about the past relationships of the guy I'm seeing. Here's my dilemma…I'm supposed to not contact him! That was my goal as of a few days ago. However, sitting in church today, my heart softened and I started wondering if God was trying to tell me something. I've resorted to calling the guy "jerk" in my head and trying to highlight his flaws to make me get over him. Point blank, he has just 3 (busy, seems uncertain about where he is in life, seems shy). But together, they cause me much confusion! Yes, you're right, I'm going to go nuts, I'm halfway there! I've ignored him for seven days as of today. I can't tell my friends that I'm getting weak, they think I'm making a mistake in the first place! But the majority of them are also the same women who are in troubled relationships. I just want him in my life! And I feel like I've let him know but I need a Looney Tunes anvil to hit him over the head just to make sure he really gets the message. And last, I will have to think more about your quote: "If you remove the game.. there is no tool for discovering who has value and who is wasted time. I believe the game is there for general picking up and for relationship creating." WOW!

This sounds so textbook, and relationships are anything but. However, I once read that after the first date, a guy will contact a woman within 72 hours if he's truly interested. Contact that same night is seen as too dependent and contact the next day, keeps you from thinking things over. Some women will be mad, but most as on pins and needles wondering, so a little pining really isn't bad. It builds things. I've had guys call a week after the first date and I was pi***d by then, but still gave him a chance.

Who knows...but I wouldn't recommend stressing. Sometimes in new relationships you just need some space to think. Though space is scary when you're still getting to know each other because one person can easily think they've lost the other when really, that might not be the case. I don't really call anyone when I'm on business travel, and rarely even for personal travel. That's just me, though! But it would be cool if he got you a gift while he was away...that would say he was thinking of you. You can email him--he might get it--and just say, "Not sure if you're checking email, but I hope you're having a good trip! Can't wait to hear from you." That way even if he reads it when he returns, he'll have proof YOU thought about him.

Good thing about getting to know someone is everyone makes mistakes and most of us are understanding and forgiving. You'll be fine! Try to go slow and play it cool and don't get too attached to her too soon. Shoot for friendship first, to find out if she's worth you, because you sound real and seem like a good guy.

Let me start by saying, you're good! You've got a strong understanding of relationships to be so young. Your teacher analogy made me chuckle. And when you said you had three years to learn about things, that's really cool. It means you matured and observed and discovered things about yourself and women. Sometimes the sucky thing about not having a ton of dating exp. is that you feel inept in every situation. For example you miss out on this mental exercise, "Gee, this has happened to me four times now, so I know it means I should do this, or think that." If she calls next week, cool. If she doesn't, I would seriously consider calling her. Not to be a nuisance, but just to "see how she's doing" and to say hello. People seem to appreciate that. Just keep it brief and maybe hint that you are still interested in seeing her again. Because, as you've heard, women like to be chased sometimes. Poor, poor guys! We women make guys work! About what you said on my "relationship", you're right, I should find out his dating past and pace. However, I'm at the point in my head where I'm thinking, "I'm shutting the door, but leaving it unlocked in case he wants to come in." Just as soon as I think I don't want to ever hear from him again, my heart rebels and say, "Stop lying to yourself and take one more last chance." He seems fine not staying in touch that much and that's not OK with me, which is why we play the who's gonna call who next...game. Or end it. I think it's over. Silly, I know, but it seems people don't outgrow this game. And honestly, in my early 20s, I never played this. It's just a game as I've grown older. I HATE IT! Btw, I'll mention the email address to my brother, thanks!

I think everyone has doubts about their relationship. I like to talk to older people who've been married, divorced, widowed, etc. to find out info from them about what qualities in a mate matter, what makes a marriage last and what ruins a relationship. Doubts seem to be normal, no matter how great or how awful the person you're involved with. So making one's mind up is tough, especially when you think of our society where marriage is all to easy to exit and where relationships are cheapened in so many ways and being able to date a diff person every night is seen as the way to go--if you're not doing these things, you're branded a loser sometimes. I love how you wrote: "even the best relationships have turmoil...but they fight for their love, and the problems that they did have dont define their relationship as "wrong" I don't think breaking up is a bad thing, it gives you space, it sometimes parts people that don't need to be together, who eventually find better partners. Hopefully the confusion will go away!

First off…cool and unique subject! Second, to sum up my love life right now it's: Incubus "Wish You Were Here" For most of the summer it was: Vertical Horizon "Best I Ever Had" To describe how I feel about the guy I like: Jimmy Eat World "Work" To describe the guy I like: Cake "You're Never There" To describe me: Nelly Furtado "I'm Like A Bird" One day I hope a guy will sing to me: Lenny Kravitz "Lady"

Guys go to places like Glamour Shots and other places for nice photos to be taken. Wal-Mart and Auntie Myrtle will take photos of you that aren't professional and may have bad lighting or whatever.

A few weeks ago I had the same birthday---call or not call dilemma. I hadn't talked to the guy I'm seeing in about 10 days but I called on his birthday--also on a weekend--during the middle of the day when I knew he'd be busy. I expected to leave a message and I even figured out what to say. He answered on the third ring. I basically said: "Hi, how are you? I hope you're having a happy birthday! I just called to say I hope you have a good day. I can't talk long. Take care!" He told me, it was cool that I called and he was surprised pleasantly. I felt good because it expressed that I valued him and thought of him on his special day. FYI, he's almost 30 and we'd been dating for 3 months. Wow, this board is so true to my life!

Hmm, what a woman wants from a guy....I have these conversations with my friends all the time and get varying answers on the "fringe" stuff but the "core" stuff is pretty much the same: 1. someone to be yourself with 2. a friend 3. companion (to go places/do things together) 4. loyal/honest/faithful 5. good provider 6. good communicator (talk & listen) 7. somewhat attractive 8. potential to be a good father 9. close to family (esp. mom) 10. sense of humor 11. patient 12. intelligent 13. not abusive, a player, commitment-fearful, workaholic, mentally or emotionally unavailable, not a flake Hope this helps! (I have a list of the qualities I require in a guy, and just met a walking-talking version of my list! But...right now it's not working out because of #6 and the last words of # 13!)

Hmm, for five days...rediscover who you are. What hobbies/interests have you abandoned or not had time for? Can you express yourself creatively, say, through music, writing, even cooking or dance? Don't sit home, go do stuff. I often jump out of my pajamas at 9 or 10, even 11 at night and go (safe) places. If you have feelings to pour out, use this forum and/or go exercise, scream along to a rock song in your car or write him letters that you don't intend to share. Hope this helps!

About your quote: ive heard it said many times that if the decision to be with someone is that difficult, than its not the right decision or that person is not the right one for you..... that thought is constantly in my head. --I agree. For example, do you have negative feelings about him when you think of him or contact him? Do you: feel sick to your stomach, guilty, can't sleep, worry, frustrated, can't concentrate, daydream, can't eat? I don't think that's love. If it is, I've been in it three times and I know that's not the case. That's a sign your body, mind and heart are sharing with you that maybe something or someone isn't right for you. But then...I've heard, "nothing good ever comes easily." But there's easy and there's downright painful.

You tell me your situation, I think mine is over now. Though, there's been a pattern where me and the guy I like will go 10 days with no contact and then we're in touch days in a row. Maybe I should try that now, it's been 7 days and just say, "Hey, I'm walking out the door know, if you care, let me know, otherwise bye for good! This is not a revolving door anymore!" It's funny, I know places where he hangs out and I thought about getting all gorgeous/dressed up and magically appearing there...but I'm not a leprechaun! I won't subject myself to that. I'm too valuable and if he can't see it, won't see, that's his loss. Though I feel like it's my loss too! Urggggh! This board lets me be 100% honest about the uncertainty and vulnerable feelings I have. Thank God for it. I can also say I haven't dated extensively; I don't think we need to date everyone that asks, and if you met the losers who are typically attracted to me, you'd also say "no thanks!" By the way, my brother keeps me in tune with house music, I'll have to ask him if he's heard that. Thanks! Btw 2 -- Hope you had a good holiday!

Thanks, I love the advice! Especially breaking up in person.

Why is the common theme that in most relationships, limbo and uncertainty exists via telephone? And especially where women are on the receiving end of a "quiet" phone? I know it's hard to communicate in a relationship for both genders, but what makes a man think that it's OK not to call? Even if it's a call when they know you can't answer--just for an update! Just for the darn truth for a change. Sure, I do sound bitter and sarcastic, but I think I have a point. Guys, just have common courtesy and call if you say you will. Or call and say you don't want to talk. It takes 40 seconds to do that. Don't make someone wait! Women, we do it too! Let's just everyone stop leading people on and people will be happier in general. Now we break into a chorus of "Shiny Happy People!" Sorry, I'm trying to amuse myself here!

Baby steps are good, just make sure you put 100% into each step. You've got the communication down, I guess he just needs to work on that. I'd almost suggest an ultimatum so you don't feel like you're in limbo. It's not too much to ask for. You could almost ask if he can take four days or a week or so to think about the relationship and then you two agree to meet up face-to-face and talk it over.

Stay busy. That's my best advice. I'm breaking up with someone who I don't want to break up with, but I have to test him and see if I was/am important to him. I've started doing the following: 1. taking new courses (dancing, music lessons) 2. going to the movies by myself when I need an escape from reality 3. writing HIM letters that I save on Microsoft Word 4. calling friends I haven't talked to in a while 5. calling family I haven't talked to lately 6. planning a fun vacation for next year 7. listening to music that lets me dance and just be silly 8. not talking about HIM to any of my friends, making the subject off limits 9. visiting enotalone.com!

Help! I haven't broken up with anyone in years and can't remember what's cool and what's not cool to do! Any help? Are there rules for breaking up?