Msnak

What is it about someone that makes you hang on? Such a great question! For me, I've only really liked/loved two guys and I've met my share. What made me hang on to them--emotionally and mentally--was the fact that I didn't feel we both had tried 100% in the relationship to see if it would work. So I had regret. With guy #1, it sucked up 4 years, with guy # 2---well, I don't know yet, I met him three months ago and he's the greatest guy ever. We're just not working out right now. We've made half-hearted efforts and that burns me inside. I think we're both scared, shy and unsure if the timing is right.

Hmm, back to your original issue of shy women...it's almost as if society tightly holds onto the whole "men do the pursuing" idea. Sure, there are women that go after guys, and sometimes those relationships go "the distance." But there are two things I keep hearing/reading in this forum and in books: 1. men get scared off easily by confessions and too much feeling right away 2. men get bored if a woman is too easily available So...the dilemma is, how does a women show she cares without looking desperate or clingy or crazy? This makes guys have to do all the work! It also means in some ways they're in charge of the relationship and one misinterpreted move can ruin everything. I'm good at being aloof and good at "hinting" but if a guy is clueless, doesn't care or shy, that's when the relationship dies or gets stuck. I'm in neutral right now with one guy, and just when he says or I say that we should go forward, both of us are inactive. We're shooting each other in the foot so neither of us can go forward or walk away. I've prayed relentlessly about this, and each time I seem to get the answer that I shouldn't give up yet. Even now I'm listening to an Eagles song called "I Can't Tell You Why" and the lyrics include: "every time I try to walk away/something makes me turn around and stay" ... That's my life!

Minor update...I was so ready to kick my guy to the curb just because of the uncertainty, but then he does what he usually does...either leads me on or gives me hope. Not sure which. But I did something nice for him that's making him see me in a different light. So...who knows? I've come to one realization, as long as I'm with him, I will linger in uncertainty a bit longer. Until we break up or decide on a commitment. In the meantime, I will play along and stay where I am. Midway between happiness and misery.

Goodness, I was just typing in my "Microsoft Word Journal," ready to call it a night and I saw these responses. Yes, in the past fifteen minutes I've written off the guy I think is so amazing. (This is the fourth time or so!) But though we both try, there's something that hangs over our heads like a cloud. I don't know what it is, but I'm tired of fighting it. I want that cloud to rain down on me, I want to concede defeat...but like a sickness, I can't! I think I'll send him an email, it seems to have more effect that phone calls when I can't seem to get the words to come out right! (It's been 3 months since I first got to know him.) I just saw him unexpectedly the other day, and it felt right. I hate the uncertainty in a relationship. I wish everyone who was first dating/meeting had to sit in front of a judge and a therapist and tell the truth about intentions, feelings and expectations!! If this is love...I can't stand it!

Worth a try...sure why not? I mean really, what do we have to lose? Sometimes when we meet people--it's not about our connection, it's about what's going on in our lives at the time. Maybe someone's having career, school or family problems that complicate an otherwise worthwhile relationship. Don't let your feelings linger too long, but sure, try once more.

Me, I'm naturally patient, and optimistic, and kind of bold. I guess I keep hearing people say "go after what you want." And I usually get what I want, but it's always complicated and after a lot of work and prayer. I am one of those women that acts cool but deep down, I'm second-guessing, experiencing a bit of self-doubt. And yes, right now even, I'm wishing the special guppy/guy in my life would call. He's amazing, and that's why I won't stop giving up...though I'm getting tired.

I think it ties in with the chase. A guy can get bored. Or preoccupied with other things in life. To me, we're all such busy people, the business of life gets in the way of really getting to bond with and know someone. Also, I'm realizing that I get asked out all the time, with a select few I go on first dates, and never go beyond that! I don't get it either! Apparently there's a saying that if something is meant to be, it'll happen. In the meantime, you have to find a way to move on and accept it. Even when it stinks.

I'm with you on that idea that guys are interested at first and then disappear. I HATE that game. I'd rather a guy be totally blunt and call and say, "I don't think this will work" or "I'd prefer we not date anymore." The reason is because when things don't have an official ending--at least for me--I get stuck and start wondering "what if" or have regrets. Maybe from now on I'll just ask every date at the very end of the first date the following questions: "Should we see each other again? Or should we end it right now?" I wish I'd done that recently. And, as a female, I now make more of an effort to let a guy know that I'd like to see them again and that I like them.

I totally understand the choice to back away from a liar and a guy after "one thing." It's wise of you to be on the look out. I guess it's important to guard your heart, mind and body simultaneously, to avoid getting hurt and being used!

I'm weighing in. I've had similar situations. As a woman, I actually like to have some feedback from a guy and not to sound old-fashioned so much, but the guy's job is to take the lead in the relationship. Yes, this means guys get rejected and kicked in the face sometimes, but it's sort of the thing to do. Sure, a woman is capable of making a call, but if you had fun, don't overanalyze it all, just make the call. My most recent case, the guy asked me to call. I didn't. I waited 3 days and he called.

Writing someone off so quickly makes me wonder if we might be making a mistake. We might be writing them off without a full explanation. Not all explanations are worthwhile, of course, and people might lie or try to beg for sympathy. Others are confused, shy or possibly getting over a previous relationship or inexperienced in romantic relationships. But I sometimes wonder if giving up so soon is just the easiest thing to do because in this busy society of ours we don't take the time and effort to make connections. I think you have to take a chance, which means there's a lot of effort involved. I've seen people get together because there was a "connection" but there were obstacles that people simply had to overcome. And sometimes, one person was jumping over the hurdles by themselves before their love joined them. Sure, it doesn't work in every case, but it's worth a try sometimes if you feel strongly for someone.

So, I met this guy online. We met and had a great date in June. Only thing, in summer, we both had travel plans and lots of crazy work hours. It's August now and I haven't had a second date, though he's asked me out a few times but something always comes up or I'm unavailable. We're both interested, we stay in touch OK, but the fates are working against us. I've called, I've asked him out. He's asked me out. He seems excited about us, and then he seems overly shy. I think I should move on. But he's the best guy I've ever met. I'm so confused. I'm miserable because I want to spend time with him and don't want to move on without seeing him at least once more. What to do?

Yes, I kind of think we get one chance. Which stinks, because sometimes we're not ourselves or nervous, or had a bad day or bad hair day. I think people are so busy these days, so selfish and wrapped up in their own worlds that they don't always make time for a second chance with someone. Even if something goes wrong, (not horribly wrong!) it is worth another try to see if things might be good. Maybe that's why it's easier to develop relationships with people we work with and we're in school with, because we have more than one or two chances to see them.

I don't know why guys get freaked out when it comes to the pace of getting to know someone, and I only mean the revelation of basic information. Like how you like them, or how you feel about them, or express an interest in doing something together in the future. They run. And then they get desperate but it seems to be with other people! I'm a bit jaded right now, so maybe I'm being unfair. I actually am getting to know a guy who is moving too slow and keeps expressing interest and disappears and comes back with more to say. I'm done. I can't take the frustration. Maybe ask him what you said that "freaked him out." I don't think he's too worried about the visit, maybe nervous. He probably doesn't want to get his expectations too high either. Don't do that yourself! It'll hurt in the long run.