11flower

Well said, Double J. I totally agree with this. But I wonder if a soulmate can be built over time in the same way that you build close friends by spending time, i.e., months, even years with the person. I agree that you can definitely click with many people throughout your life. It's true that we can all find "chemistry" with many different people. And maybe chemistry can be confused with other emotions or attractions at other times. 11Flower

Second thought, the title "Fetid Anomaly" is more appropriate for my poem about the worthless worm. 8) 11F.

Hi, I've had one of those before. You could have it checked out if it is happening regularly. In my case, I was under high stress when competing in my first tournament in Taekwon-Do. I'd never even fought anyone before and was rather brand new student. After the first (and now last) fight (first competitor) suddenly I started gasping for air and windpipe closed somewhat and I couldn't breathe. It was scary, but just a panic attack. At the next tournament I made sure it didn't happen and I did just fine. It's never happened since. There is a panic disorder condition. But if you are doing this regularly, then go to a doctor and get advice. They'll advise you and there are things you can do. Deep breathing is one good thing. It could also be a chemical imbalance in your brain, so there's nothing wrong with you, just a biological thing which can be treated so you can have better quality of life if this were the case. Okay? The last thing you need is to worry about it. If you have any question and won't be at peace till you know, do go to a medical professional and gather advice. You can also do research on the internet. 11Flower

Thanks for the kindness SM, I don't know whether he'll bother to try anything, but I may do some legal research just in case. I've gotten one weird phonecall today asking for somewhat personal information, but this doesn't mean anything other than a weird phonecall. When I refused to give my info and hung up, my cell phone immediately rang. It was quite a long-distance prefix. But still means nothing yet. Blocking him is not a problem for me. He wants me blocked from him so it works out. Other than that, he also doesn't have that great of a reputation on other forums with those who know him whom I also know. The insulting and demeaning way he sometimes speaks to people would speak for itself. I initially made more than a huge mistake by continuing to chat via internet and phone and got weak along the way. But I have definitely learned from this that I never want to meet or know people like him ever in my life. He's out only for what he needs and wants and manipulates to get it. Very few social and sexual boundaries and lacking in ability socially. From research I've done, I think he's somewhat a narcisstic personality disorder, but I'm not a doctor. This is a true sleezebag. Very pitiful. The poor girlfriend may eventually see this but there's nothing I have to do in that case. Too many people could concur as to the nature of this person. If he even tries anything, I doubt it would hold up in court. But I am preparing for this if he does and we could afford a good attorney. I was a ditzo idiot to have blundered forward with this imp. 11Flower

More to vent: Indeed it is the best thing and it won't be a problem at all to never see this paramecium. Interestingly, he's the inspiration for the poem I posted in the poems forum about a worm. You don't meet many people so jacked up as this usually. I mean everyone has their iffy sides, but this guy... --it can be laughably pitiful sometimes. Gads. He clearly has been able to learn ways to persuade and attract women, but by exploring outside adventures, it seems to me he wants to keep his options open, I guess. To each his own. He has an incredibly filthy mouth, as well. How could I have ever ? Also, it is that my husband and I wonder whether he may try to actually bring a civil case against me, calling it "slander", because he mentioned my "risk of being sued." I take this as suggesting he might do this. If he did actually try to bring a civil case for money, I have proof as to his character. I wouldn't lie about what I have done, as he actually does. I have saved most of the emails ever exchanged. So I don't think it could hold up anyway. Honestly, I told him I'm not interested in "slandering" him. I am saying to this forum I'm interested in venting about my experience, but I have no need to lie about it, rather clean the pollution from the brain. Chalk it up to experience--bad experience. Overall I think he's trying to protect his present status with his girlfriend. They seem happy. Let 'em be; in such a person as his' case I wouldn't want the pitiful soul to lose her, which again is what I think he might be concerned about. I don't actually want to do anything to help him lose her, but overall I can't anyway as it will come out eventually. He lies, not owning up to his actions for fear of this, is my guess. He can be abusive and this will eventually come out. How he has treated me and any cheating tendencies and veneer in this regard will eventually come around to him without my doing anything at all! It's easy to feel pity because there's also a warm side that appears genuinely concerned at times. So many people are addicted to sex, even addicted to cheating. Hence the poem about the worthless person of sorts. In some people's case, they are unable to stop sexually addictive behavior and end up ruining their own lives. This is sad. So, if he' and gf are reading this, my hands are off! We all dig our own pits. The sort of pit you are in is one of your own making. Look; see and realise that you've got what *you* put there. Stop cheating by exploring extra-relational adventures and be what you're saying you are, as you haven't yet. You may lose the most precious thing to you if you don't.

Here is another update. This is for myself more in order to admit how idiotic the mistakes and choices I made and just the whole thing was. I heard from the guy I was infatuated with, and thought I fell in love with. No, I don't think I actually was after all. I'd never even met him in person, and he wasn't my type if we had met. He can be cruel if he wants to. Why he can, who knows. This will sound crazy to some of you. Through all the dumb mistakes, I have had a wonderful man for a husband, who talked me through and helped me to see clearly about this man, my choices, life and situation very patiently. We've had too many ups and downs and still do, but I'm liking him more everyday especially in light of such people as this other ex so-called "friend". How did I ever....? Many of you responded with genuine concern, some shock, but still that was genuine concern for what's right. I know this and I don't disagree with any of you. Anyway, this other guy now accuses me of trying to slander him on this forum, which I am not interested in doing. If that's what he thinks, I can't change that. I explained as I needed to about someone you know nothing about, which makes this a safe place to vent hurts we have from others. I came to this forum to vent, which is what I have done. I'm not interested in ruining people's lives. I realise that I was a fool to choose to even spend time on the net chatting with the other guy and he's truly someone I wish I'd not wasted my time with because it distracted me from important endeavors. Yet I was stupid enough to choose and allow this to happen, not to mention other idiotic mistakes in contacting him after the fact. I won't go much into detail, but he out and out lied to me about himself and what he had said, which doesn't need explanation at this point. Sheesh what a manipulator. He says he doesn't read this forum, but obviously his girlfriend does, apparently. So maybe he *has* been reading this forum. Who cares? Back to it, I apologized for some stupidity on my part. I hate some of the mistakes I've made, but at least it's never too late to keep learning from them. Have you ever just wondered why you end up doing the stupidest things and can be deterred and detracted from more important things in life when you're not looking for what you need in the right place? Still the guy is a jerk and I'm grateful to move forward from this. But how could I have ended up making choices to even go *near* there? 11Flower

I could not agree more with Roasted Carrots and Shysoul. Shysoul gives the advice that I'd keep as meditation if I were you. Ignore those girls; they are a waste of your time, other than the lesson you're now learning, okay? You are certainly a strong stable guy and a girl will be lucky to have a good man like you since good men are rare these days. No offense to the other guys, but your good character, kindess, stability and strength is what a girl will love most in you, no matter what your age or status in life. 11Flower

I think it's a turn on when guys have asked me about interests and want to talk. Humor also works. Show interest; girls love attention and to be taken care of. Compliment a dress, saying they look beautiful. A warm strong touch also is good if done with respect. Eye contact. What do you like about yourself? Confidence and compliments that are genuine. Relaxing and showing you're a secure person. Be intuitive as to comments in passing. Sense what you think each individual girl would respond to. Be genuine; be yourself. Relax and enjoy the process. 11F

I personally don't agree that masturbation is the healthiest thing. I try sooo hard not to NOT! Just kidding. LOL LOL. I have a way to deal with my natural drive: I'm married and have access to a man's bod and visa versa. Oh yeah! Ahem....pardon me. Anyway, better that than have difficulty getting throught your day. I can't really help you with toys because I've never used them or had them. No, I really haven't. But I'm not surprised that you are getting bored. So, to answer your question with a question, would you consider just doing another activity and conserving your energies? Would you consider more exercise or sports stuff so that you don't have to focus on taking care of screaming bodily needs? I mean, if you're bored, this might be an indication that it's time to invest your energies elsewhere. I am not making fun of you. I just would like to suggest that you use your brilliant brain and mind and physical energies to endeavor in things that will make you strong and healthy, ready for marriage so you can have all the free sex you want and may need when the time comes. I know, I didn't really help you that much. Sorry; but please think about what I said? 11Flower

I love the advice that annie and Muneca gave. See, the only real way you can began to refocus on your marriage, that is if you don't want to lose it, is to put distance between you and your ladyfriend, of course. You obviously agree with this. It's like rekindling a pleasant but destructive fire. Look at the results down the road. I was told by someone once the same advice you were given. Take what attracts you to your ladyfriend, what you want to do with your friend, and work on the very same thing with your wife. Find out why your wife and you have distanced yourselves one from the other. What if you ended up divorcing your wife, marrying this lady, and the girl and you find down the road that you have terrific problems, though maybe different from those you have with now? Problems don't go away. You've heard the adage, "Wherever you go, there you are." Not to mention that after 10 yrs., things do change. People's likes and dislikes change. What you like in women may have changed; visa versa with your wife. I hope you can be honest and open with your wife about what you feel and what you want with her. Leaving and joining the ladyfriend may not help as much as it may appear to you right now. If you are willing, miracles do happen. The impossible can happen. I know this is true and believe it is true. But the miracle would not be something that destroys several people including yourself. 11Flower

Sandy, You're not stupid. That's not the issue here. You might be entwined in a long-term relationship and still somewhat attached. You may not want to lose someone you value as a friend and who you feel knows you well. This guy is no longer a good person for you and will continue to hinder you, putting down your boyfriends, choices, decisions you make, and overall mistreat you. He sounds pretty much a definite control freak. No matter how hard it may be, if you cut off the relationship with him, I think this would be your best bet. Stay away from people who make you feel bad about yourself. Anyone who does this could probably care less about what you want in your life, as your ex has demonstrated. I think you're wasting your good will and friendship on such a guy, even if you have known him as long as you have. Cut him loose. Don't give him an inch he may take a mile. That's my advice. Do this no matter how hard it is. Walk away and believe in your good choices for yourself. Don't be trapped by an abusive person. Find good people for you to be involved with who build you up and appreciate you. 11Flower

I agree with the possibility these girls may have been well, conspiring to get you in bed. I'd say ignore, walk away, leave it, pay no more attention. It isn't bad to wait till marriage, you know, to have sex. You don't have to go with the crowd and be cool and all. Be different and wait till marriage if this is your conviction. I think sex should mean something as well. I didn't wait till marriage, but my husband did and he's not sorry for it. The girls may be playing a joke on ya'. There'll be other nice girls for you. You sound like a gentleman--the most important IMO and what a girl will eventually appreciate most in the long run. Keep your convictions. 11Flower

I don't think it's only a matter of more foreplay because his wife is too tired to even approach that, as he has already indicated. It's a matter of setting up the situation so they can even have time to be together for what you said. 11Flower

Hi, I think I'd have to agree that you may just want to walk away. At this point, why would you want to be who tells his wife? I don't mean to sound unkind, but I have some thoughts you might want to consider. If they don't apply to you, then you just throw them out. Would you be hoping that he'd want to leave his wife then? See, if you tell his wife, it would cause such a rift that this could actually happen. This could also be taken as an attempt to "split up a family" as the saying goes. Not that this is your intention, though. It sounds that you are concerned about his 4 yr. old son. What about his wife? Well, she is mainly his concern. I'd suggest that you ask yourself why you're thinking of telling his wife. Again, you may want to take the advice to just walk away from it. This will hurt you because you've invested yourself into this man over time. AFterall, did he cheat on you by not telling you he was married? What if he were to leave his wife and be with you; and end up cheating on you as well? I hope it all turns out okay for everyone. 11Flower PS Sorry if you are offended at anything I said. It's just that these situations are always sticky and people always get hurt.

Honestly, I like what everyone said here about cyber relationships. But if I were to meet the person I had strong feelings for, chances are that what Muneca or DN said would come true; that is, that there would not be romantic attraction. But I do believe there would be the element of friendship based on the actual content of conversation online. So, friends it might be, because of the development of and nature of the communication. 11Flower

I think I still don't know how to use the little icons for replying. oooops. Muneca, what you said should have been in the quotes. tee hee! 11F.

Ha! That's great, Muneca. 11Flower

I don't know why I got the idea you are 25 yrs old. Anyway, these stories are confusing. You made the point that you don't know what to do since you found a letter to your wife from some guy. It sounded you felt very betrayed, and you miss being intimate. I could be wrong in thinking that you started out telling us one thing, and now are telling us a whole new thing. But what have you been telling us? Are you telling us that you never actually intended to repair whatever it is with your wife and now you are happy with the possibility of leaving, as well as the lack of intimacy you now have? It seems to me your story changed from one thing to another. Now you've given a whole different perspective and people have taken time to answer you. I have a feeling you may know what you're going to do afterall. I'm confused now; what is it you are actually wanting and asking here? 11Flower

It so happens that sex drives do change and go up or down. You have 3 kids. I've heard it said that couples with kids at some stages are lucky to have sex once a month even! I think I would not listen to some advice telling you your wife is not a giver, because this is not necessarily true. That's just not nice either. Of course she's a giver. But she may not be *able* to *give* that to you at the time you want it. She gives and gives to the kids all day. Her own needs may need tending to, such as fitness, social life, recreation outside of your relationship, hobbies, and that. The 3xday intimacy you shared for a season; and I reiterate, a season, was something great you had...for a season. You can get back to this, but now there may be a new season in your marriage and family life. I understand that a man's highest sex drive is around 18 give or take. A woman's can be anywhere from 30s to literally mid 40s! This seems so flip-flop in that around mid 40s is when a man's libido decreases; so the two balance one another. HA! Anyway, I don't think you should feel something is wrong because your wife has changed or your sex activity isn't what it was. It's what happens usually in most marriages and couples. Find out what your wife's needs are; explain your own. What are her special interests? What are yours? See if you can meet one another halfway. It's a very, very busy time for both of you. Go with the romantic getaways! Early in the morning is a great time to be intimate if that's all you can do (I know from experience similar to yours). Arrange a babysitting for her, buy her flowers or what she likes, and go for a weekend or evening together. Heck, make love in the car if you can! If you have seen the movie, "Meet The Fockers", it's a great movie, IMHO, about freedom of sexual expression. They'd hang a hat on the door when they were...at it...and that meant NO interruptions; yet everyone knew what they were up to. If you guys get to a place where your children are old enough or just understand not to knock on your bedroom door when you are in there together, this might work. Also, it's healthy, I understand, that your children know that you and your wife have a healthy sexual relationship. By that I mean that you go in your room, lock the door, tell them, "No, we're shutting the door." ;-) No interruptions. Romantic evenings, flowers, gifts, compliments as to her attractiveness to you, or things you like about her--voice these. Pursue your wife differently than you had before with these little things that may turn her on. This is the beginning of that intimacy. Get her mind going about sex and lovemaking. You don't need to prove anything, just rekindle the fire and give your wife (and you) a much needed break. 11Flower

See Gettingoverit's posts as to his example. He was slightly scolded, you might say, for having told his wife the truth about a choice he made. He wants to mend it with his wife and because he has absolutely no desire to have it any other way, wants nothing to come between he and his wife. Here is a man who truly wants to rebuild trust and live his life honestly with his wife, with no inability for intimacy. I can agree with you once someone has had physical relationship with someone other than their spouse. This is the ultimate breaking of the agreement, and once it's done, it's done. And it begins with thoughts and feelings and choices thereafter. It will ultimately be up to each of these individuals and we can't just generalise in Elsalvador's case with his wife, as we just don't have the whole picture about their hearts and intentions. He has admitted what happened, he hasn't done this again. His wife is seemingly playing around, who knows why? To get attention she may desperately need? If these two are willing to try, they should be given hope that it can work out. They should at least try no matter their pasts or present problems or behaviours. They should look into the hope if this is what they want. 11Flower

OT: Princess L, you certainly sound much more "lived" than 21 years old. That's not only very good advice, IMO, it's sound wisdom; really sounds much older than that. Anyway.... I agree that it's childishness and escaping for his wife to throw it back. I really think there are deeper needs on her part and that they should both look at their individual needs and what they want. I mean, what were all the little things that lead it to come to this in the first place? The issue of El's past mistake is absolutely or should be absolutely no issue. They have a tangle to untwine, but they can do it with help and willingness to do it. Elsalvador, I'm keepin' ya' in prayers. 11Flower

Well, could be. There are far worse things to me, lol, then being the gossipee. That would be the least of my problems. Anything else? LOL! 11flower

Hi Elsavador, You're a good man, and quite human as most men are. You fortunately were strong enough after you made an initial mistake way back when in your relationship with your wife of 2 years/partner of 12 to come back strong with fully good intentions and the strength to maintain it. I have to say that I hear about this situation a lot--where a husband/partner works so much that wife feels neglected and starts seeking needs to be met outside the marriage. I will tell a little of my own story. I wrote about it here on these forums. My husband and I've been married nearly 18 yrs. Pretty good friendship although we've had hellish-trials and still do struggle very discouragingly at times. We're still friends and lovers, trying to work it out. Long road. Husband did not meet all my social and emotional needs, as well as I felt somewhat neglected. Throughout our marriage I was faithful in all aspects. I remained faithful and devoted for years. Yet our relationship and we had changed over the years as most couples individually do over the years. What attracted me in men has changed. As he worked looong hours often, I felt hurt and neglected at times, but still remained faithful emotionally and physically. So out of the blue, last May, I met a man on the internet who approached me initially for business purposes (his own in the industry he's involved in--music). I'd refused, but he kept *pursuing* me and it really turned me on. I began to become infatuated. I felt wrong about it and struggled, but I did tell my husband openly and as honestly as I could about the guy and my budding infatuation. Husband responded kindly and understandingly, allowing me room and autonomy to deal with it. I also did not intend to carry on a relationship, initially. I kept "chatting" with the guy who wanted to keep chatting with me until there were definite budding romantic strong growing feelings for him, and visa versa. I thought I'd fallen in love, and infact, I think I actually had. I was all the while telling my husband because it was not right and violated marital vows. I stayed up nights just crying, praying, struggling, but I could not control my feelings. I made the choice to keep chatting online with him, and eventually a few phonecalls (which didn't amount to much). The man met a need in me and awakened something in me that I knew I needed from my husband and from men in general that I'd not been aware of. This part was cool. I never ended up physically unfaithful, but I'd had my fantasies. I tried to be as honest as I could with husband through the whole thing. Being a very strong and secure person, husband says he knows it was part of my working through struggles. Anyway, through this all, I never actually met the guy in person (God's protection ) ). I have since stopped writing him, but that was difficult to do. As resulting of this experience, I've learned more about myself, my husband as well, marriage, longterm commitments and relationships, as well as human fallibility and weakness, needs and struggles. I realised I love being pursued, and my husband wasn't pursuing me and I felt taken for granted, even though my husband never meant to take me for granted and didn't. We're still together, and working it out. Thanks for reading my story. There's a couple things I want to say. You sound like a great and understanding man, yet are you giving up too easy? Are you being passive because you feel guilty about the mistake you made in the past? Have you forgiven yourself completely for this mistake? Are you in touch with your own needs socially and overall? Have you realised that it took strength for you to overcome the mistake and decide never to do it again so that you are NOT that person any longer? Are you pursuing your wife, meeting her emotional needs how she needs them from you as her husband? If you are and don't know what it is that's wrong, could you consider going to talk to someone professional who could help you two work through it? No one man or woman can meet one another's needs. It takes other healthy friendships outside the marriage to do this. So neither of you has to be superpeople. I think you need to ask your wife to be honest with you about what she needs from you. Find out what *she* wants for your future together too. She may have sort of wanted you to find that letter from the guy. BTW, the guy who wrote her, well, you can hear the lack of depth and noncommittment in his writing. He could probably care LESS about her. I don't know if my story was too long or even helped, but I said it to say that letting your wife talk about it, asking her about it non-accusingly, and expressing your desires for what you want with her may turn things around, as long as you both are willing to change. Only you would know these answers for sure. I say try to talk her into getting to a counsellor. ONe step at a time. My thoughts, 11flower[/i]

Dear Espirit, No offense, but maybe both of you could think about taking things a bit slower in your overall relationship? Relationships just happen, which affects physical relationships. Why should both of you work so hard at pleasing? Just be. Let things go as they will. If you are questioning your ability to please, I think both of you have answered this already. You do fine. He may just be questioning somehow similarly to how you are. You guys have only been together 3 months. Let it go how it will and try not to worry that you aren't doing something right. Just my thoughts, 11Flower

I finally have a title for my poem. It shall be entitled, "Anomaly" 11Flower. PS If you have not read it yet, it's here in this forum. The person still unfortunately reminds me of a person like this sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. We wish him well.