11flower

Sorry, M.P., But you're fretting over something that might be nearly impossible to change. I don't think you are understanding what it is I meant. If you need, however, to better define your relationship, ask her. Only she can determine this. And you. 11flower

Oh, I don't mean anything of slight at all. I just mean that, well, I wondered if you like him more; it sounds you two are close. Whether whatever, I'm glad you talked about it with him. Yes, everyone has off days, but I've met people who never own up to their responsibility for mistreating others. They shift the blame on the one whose words they're twisting. So, I hadn't known if this was how you felt. I was also encouraging you to stand up to that sort of thing if something scared you or you felt confused if he says that you're saying or meaning something you're clearly not meaning, is all. 11flower

Jimbo10, Fascinating! You've got quite the head start on a career if you go into professionally playing. You've got quite the musically-gifted family. Fortunate for you! No, sorry I've not heard of the cats you mentioned, but I'll look up J.N. My family was into music as well. Mom was a singer. Late elder brother wrote country/rock/folk and could get standing ovations no problem. Good memories. I've been into music since 5 yrs old and self taught piano. Played a little easy classical, but love to write, and love to jam! I play most songs by ear, but do read chord charts and sight read slowly. Sight reading's important as well if you're gonna make a living at playing jazz music. Interesting. Let us know when you start your gigs, will you? Spread the news around to your peers about jazz and what it does for you. More people need to be educated as to jazz and what it does for us! 11flower

The thing I find most is the race to the finish by those in this industry. Sometimes, everyone is so out to "make it big" that it's disgusting. I don't mind the fact that there are so many musicians out there who are excellent, which there are. But sometimes I hear so many competitive "I have the goods over you", it's just a fight. I know people in the industry. Some overrate themselves. Some are highly accomplished professionals, yet not given enough opportunities. Some are highly accomplished, yet still trying to prove their worth. Sometimes this Fight For The Finish is rediculous. I get tired of it. It's not going to shut me up. I love playing music, writing music, have great potential and talent, and I'm gonna keep doing it because i love it. I expect my dreams to come true. Dreams do come true. What's your dream? 11flower

I like your poem. 11flower

Update on harassing email. Yahoo sent me an email telling me they'd received all the information I'd sent and were definitely taking action on whoever did this. I still think it was the guy, and so does my husband think this. I think he was mad because his girlfriend might be reading all about this here on e.notalone...that is if it was him. It sounded just like him and there were inflections and little cues only he might use. So, Yahoo said they couldn't tell me as to what they'd actually do in such cases against someone doing this. Does anyone else know? I think I'll post this question as a new topic. 11f.

It sounds to me like there's more attachment there than you are indicating. But I could be wrong. You two sound like good friends. But you're question, I think, was how you might deal with someone who just sort of changed on you and how to communicate what you were trying to say without him twisting your words and putting words in your mouth, twisting your meanings. You mentioned that you'd "never seen this side of him" before, or something along those lines, and that he was scaring you. If you are still scared by that change of mood and his behavior toward you, I hope you've talked about that by now. Frankly, sorry to say, but your friend was acting rather manipulative. I hope you'll keep this in mind the next time if he should do this again. Also firmly stand your ground when you tell him what you mean. Otherwise, it could help if you don't reward him for such behaviour, as that was manipulating you, and you did not at all mean what he was trying to tell you. More thoughts. 11flower

Hey MisterPoppy, Pardon me, but the "almost.." stuff just doesn't make sense. Why spend your precious time wondering whether the "almosts..." tell you anything at all. It sounds like the girl needs what she says she needs. If you like her, if you love her, give her the space she needs and see if she comes back to you. She is trying to figure her life out right now and sounds that she doesn't want any more emotional complication, since what she has now is more than enough. It sounds she likes you, that you could even be a potential eventual more permanent partner for her. But just not now. I'd try being as patient as possible. Keep praying about it. Keep befriending her. A friend is what she most needs right now. I bet that if you do, in time, she will have more room in her mind and heart for you and want to be with you, knowing you've been the best friend she ever had. 11flower

Hey Volution, Maybe you could deter telling your real age till you've had the opportunity to meet. Obviously, you are quite capable and mature enough to date a woman older than you; you age just should not be a factor. I mean, in most cases you will be in different stages of life with women older than you. This is usual. But now a days, that doesn't apply either. When you think of people getting married late 30s into their 40s and having their first child in early 40s, I mean the stage of life might be similar to yours. So, if you're attractive and appealing and are somewhat mature moreso than men your age, you just go for it and don't be limited. But why lie? If they find out you lie, they might pretty much be turned off in the longrun. Just distract them from knowing, somehow. I was recently told that by someone who has never met me, but with whom I had problems with that I'm and "old bag". The guy never met me and doesn't know what I look like, my health, etc. I was also categorized according to age (late 40s). I still feel young, strangely. Yet when I was at a store a few weeks ago, a young dude looked surprised at reading my i.d. and asked whether that was my actual age, as he thought I was at least 10 yrs younger. So, people age at different rates and some are late bloomers (like me). And my dreams are coming true later in life for me than earlier. So, anyway, you just hang in there and see what you can do. Sell your good qualities and be confident. This will help draw the older women you like to you. Being Black is a wonderful quality, tho' racism still runs rampant. I'm White, but I think all Black people have very beautiful physical features, if you don't mind my saying so. The dark skin is very beautiful, and some Black men whoooweee just knock me on my butt ...oh, scuse me. Rambling ceased. 11Flower

Excellent for you who are learning to play and expanding your horizons. Listen to abcd1234. It's true about jazz. IMHO, jazz is the greatest artform musically of any music in the world. We can all learn something from the old ones gone by from the baroque, classic, romantic, impressionistic world of musics. Yet, while jazz music theory uses classical, it is different. Jazz will open up new realms for you musically, because you are creating on the fly, as opposed to playing only what's on the sheet of music you're reading. I also play guitar and learned to finger pick quite well and used to lead groups with this instrument and write pop and folk songs. But I never truly got the fret board to the extent I'd like to. I know most basic bar chords, is all. Jazz is also history. If you study it, you will see the genius of many who are largely unsung. I'd like to see jazz emphasized more in grade and high schools. This type of program would expand the mind and encourage limitless possibility in creating, which in turn would affect all other areas of life. Anyway, good advice, abcd1234. 11flower

Ahh, and Hendrix left us quite the legacy. I love his music and would love to do covers of several of his songs. I recently found some Led Zepplin at a wholesale outlet and want to go back and get some for memories sake. (I was a teen then). Today I'm listening to a favorite jazz artist, Herbie H. and his music stokes me. I could listen forever. But I may also put on Sly Stone; hey, there's some pretty stuff in some of his compositions I eventually want to do covers on, ya' know! A few of you asked "Why" I ask. I have listened to jazz most of my life, standards, love fusion, funk, love blues. I'm self taught as a pianist but now currently study with an excellent pro jazz pianist. I'm now though taking a break to study for vocational training final. I'd been playing infrequently at church with their group. One plays for different reasons there and you can't expand much unless given opportunity to solo, which does happen. But the overall thing there is congregational particpation, as you know worship is. This church does contemporary pop music style for worship, but very infrequently, jazz or jazz influenced pop. Jazz is my thing, though. I play several other instruments including vocals, but master of none (yet I've gotten raves for solos before, because I play by ear with heart and passion). I'll be looking eventually for a quartet or what I can to play with. Anyway, since these forums are besieged with questions for advice about crises, it occurred to me to ask you all. Very interesting! Hope to hear more. 11Flower PS Did you guys know that a pop-up just appeared that wouldn't let me post the last part of Herbie H.'s name?

Oh, and by the way, it's unrealistic to expect that women will orgasm every time. It's nothing to worry about or feel less for. Maybe just enjoy being close to one another and do something different and be creative. 11F.

Sorry for the continuous "calligraphy" in the last 2 paragraphs. They look distracting to me. I thought I'd clicked them off! 11Flower

Well, if I were you, I'd not tell him right off. I agree with several here who say that it might really hurt him. He may feel betrayed to a small degree. You probably faked this because you thought it would please him. Maybe it's kind of a performance orientation thing where you just don't own up till you've "performed" and had an orgasm. How about this: Say something like, "Hey, let's try something new." Tell him what you want till you get it to where you have one. I have a book that says that women who don't have orgasms can do things like take a bath, light a candle, and find out what feels good to them. I don't masturbate because I don't prefer it, and don't need to, being married and husband available most of the time, visa versa. But this might be a good way for you to find out what works for you if you don't exactly know this. Now, when you find what feels good to you and you orgasm, tell him what you want. When you start really having orgasms, he may wonder at the difference, but at least it will be real. [/i]Then tell him after the fact. You could tell him that up until a certain time, it wasn't happening, and you're sorry, but you just felt obligated to fake it. (I agree with Beec--find out why you are not having them). And tell him he's the best lover in the world and how pleased you are with him and how great he's done for you, etc. Let him know! Maybe that will lessen the pain of your having presented something other than what happened. Don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to get to where you are living what actually is happening and don't feel bad for feeling pressured to not do so. You can make changes any time and it's never too late. I bet your man will understand because he loves you and wants to understand and forgive you. 11flower

Yeah. Just wanting to know whether there are any students, pros, etc. of jazz here. Oh, if you want to tell what instrument you play, and if different from jazz, cool. Tell what instrument and genre music you're into. Do you play in a band? Just cuuurreeeus, 11flower

So, all the above said, if you are open to being "closer" to him, then by all means consider it. If he wants to marry you, and you're thinking this, hey, you can make your own decisions. But everyone, please remember that she mentioned his behaving in a way that scared her. She said he twisted her words around, saying that she meant just the opposite of what she did. C. was trying to enourage him, not discourage. thereforeeee, consider carefully. If you end up marrying this guy, that is if everyone is on track about what type of friends you actually are, he may act "weird" on you again. Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Hopefully, he'll listen and be as understanding as possible if he likes you as much as Cactus suggests. Communication is All. 11Flower

LOL. True. Tons of water will dilute and diurese that lactic acid. Micro tears will rebuild to make big muscle. The rewards far outweigh the cost. 11f.

Try building the strength up in other larger muscle groups before doing these. One thing to remember is the old adage: "No pain, no gain." So, for building muscle, pain is good. The key is to drink tons of water before and after the exercise to counter the lactic acid in your muscles. If you do a lot of situps during the week, the whole rectus abdominus, as well as obliques, your abs will strengthen and should support you during any other exercise. Try also a lighter weight for a time. You've got testosterone and will have no proplem building muscle, so long as your getting adequate amounts of food--calories--protein! and a balanced diet overall with less sugar intake. Drink much more water during your day. Work out upper bod every other day. Same for lower body. Work large muscles first: Upper body -- Chest and shoulders Back Smaller muscle groups include: Biceps and triceps. Doing pushups rocks for arm, chest, ab strength, etc. Oh, and did I tell you to get enough protein and more water? Drink more water; eat more protein and adequate caloric intake, 11flower Who reaallly luuuvs working out.

Group bear hug to shininimo!! (((((((((shiminimo)))))))))) 11Flower

If you can talk peacefully with him, ask him what's really bugging him, because maybe underneath there's something more. He doesn't sound mad at you, and you haven't done anything wrong to him by telling him he can be happy without a girlfriend. If he is not able to have a peaceful talk with you about what's bugging him, try taking a break and talking later when he's in a better mood. If he has an anger problem, maybe it would be a good idea to let him air it out on his own for awhile. I mean, if he gets depressed (which is another form of anger) and can't identify the source and seems stuck on one idea, it may be hard to come to understanding on equal and peaceful terms. If "this side of him" is like this and he doesn't fairly communicate with you, how is he ever gonna get a wife anyway? I don't know, but I have the feeling it's not your fault, Cassandra. Just try to listen best you can, and remember you weren't wrong for trying to encourage your friend, which is what you sound you're trying to do.

I remember this happened to me. I had lived with a guy and we'd planned on getting married and treated one another like that. It turned out that this man started getting interested in someone else, and broke up with me. This hurt so bad, it was agony. If you are with someone on the terms that shim. was, it hurts similarly to a divorce in ways, doesn't it, especially when it wasn't what he wanted. But I've also been through breakups and other crises that caused enough suffering so that I do know pain. Thanks to God now I've been married over 17 yrs and though rocky at times, we're hangin' and still together, workably so. You find out, at least I have, that my husband is my best friend. So look forward.... You've got to begin healing, and you've taken a good step toward it by putting it here. If you can do anything at all to distract yourself, then do this. If you like movies, go with friends to movies. Anything positive and healthy that will take your mind somewhat off of it can help. Exercise can help. If you need help from friends, ask for it. It's hard enough getting through life, but getting through life alone when you're grieving...just don't do it that way. Be with people you like and want to be around. In time, your wounds will heal. They truly will, because all these things do pass. It will pass, so remember this. Love, 11flower

Thanks so much, Gettingoverit, It really helps to know someone at least is reading the posts and thanks for the friendly encouragement. I think things will eventually settle I hope, peacefully. No need to carry on with what takes precious time away. And time is all we got. thanks, 11flower

And again, DN, this is nice of you and does offer a way to deal with her hope of getting back together. Nothing wrong with what you said , dearheart. 11flower

Oh, I forgot to say that nope, I didn't respond to his email per my husband's advice (not to mention my better judgement), and I realise blocking his address is necessary, which I hadn't thought it would be till today. 8) 11Flower

I think DN is giving you hope for being together with your bf, which is good. But I agree with what coasty said. Your bf will do this again. He is avoiding the troubles of breakup and lying to you. It is not you who should change to please him. He may very well do this again. It will be painful to break up, but time does heal and it may help you to get as much support as possible, when you need it, from the divorce or break up forums. You have been together closely for 4 yrs, but you can find someone who treats you with what you do deserve, contrary to how this bf is treating you. Sorry and I know this is so painful. 11Flower