11flower

I guess I'd like to share a bit more. I had to recently say goodbye to someone very special, in a way. I posted this on the Infedelity forum, since I am married. I have kept most of my feelings, however, on the table with my husband. I never met this other man, actually. I am trying to work out my marriage with my husband, as well. Our marriage truly needs work, but we're good friends and invested a lot. I fell in, what to me is, deep love (or at least the most passionate infatuation I could experience) with someone via internet. I still have feelings for him. We live a great distance one from the other. We became very close friends and talked daily and some by phone. He did requite my feelings, said he. I really wonder, however, if he ever felt what he said he did. It went up and down with him, and he is somewhat secretive. He is a divorcee within the last 1 1/2 yrs. Anyway, knowing it could or would never actually work, I encouraged him to find a wife who could fulfill his dreams. This is because I truly love(ed) him (or at least unbelievably passionate infatuation) and knew this to be, of course, best. I would become jealous when he would meet a potential mate. Cutting a longer story short, in my case, I can not go meet this individual. I could, but probably will notl. He asked to stop corresponding due to our being what he thinks is incompatible. True in ways. I feel close to him and miss him. I had not felt such strong passion, emotionally, sexually, for any individual, even my husband, whom I love. Can a person love two people deeply at once? Again, can you love one without having met them face to face? Maybe I love the idea of love/romance (who doesn't?). But many people meet via internet and end up married. It happens. I believe in ways that this man is a soul mate for me. How do you explain this or the deepest love and passion in the universe, though, esp. when you are married and supposed to love the mate you committed to? Have you met this girl, actually? Thanks, Flower

Okay Destructo, Here's what I say. You love this girl. You know you do. I think you should try to be with her. I agree it took immense courage on your part to do what you did in drawing the line and protecting yourself from further hurt. This isn't wrong, actually the *right* thing to do, IMHO. But if you can't stand being apart from this girl, who seems anyway to want to keep something going with you, you ought to maybe take a more serious approach with her. Could you make an effort to meet her? You may regret that you didn't, one day. If you love as much as you do, well, this doesn't come along every day. You probably still have hurts then from your last marriage which you may bring into the next love relationship you attempt. If you're geared and prepared to deal with them, seeing them honestly in the face, you can make it through. So, anyway, take your chances and try to get together with this girl since you love her so much. Flower

Thank you Kalshane and Evy. I'm sure there'll be more I have to vent. I appreciate the understanding. 11Flower

Well said, S. 11Flower

It sounds that you and your wife are choosing to keep building your marriage, and keep keeping on. Imagine your wife feels so wonderful that you forgave her and want to stay with her. She obviously wants to stay with you. You sound pretty solid in your decision and are strong willed. In fact, you've obviously handled the news of the affair extremely maturely and commendably. Have you gotten any councel instead of being the strong one? If you think of it in the light that the fleeting "emotional infidelity", the term Amethyst posted, that you will get pleasure from experience may last a few months or however long, the whole idea may sour on you. I am told that the most important thing is friendship after all (can you see growing old with your wife?). If you decided to go with this other younger woman, walls could pop up between you and your wife which could remain unexplained, eventually splitting and destroying both of you. You could end up left hanging out to dry by this new young fling. Your wife must love you enough to want to work it out. You are friends, unlike this younger woman. Just more thoughts, Flower

Oh dear Hydrazine. You're breaking our hearts here. You don't need to go on with it eating away at you. What if you got cancer or something? Seriously, why is it so hard to talk to God and see what He says? For now it sounds that it's best that you do not tell your wife, whom you truly love. Many of us probably know how a sex thing can be just a sex thing; romance apart from your spouse can happen because your spouse isn't that other person in whom are qualities you also like or love. Have you looked back over all the little choices made which led up to this experience? You fell to your passions. You do truly love your wife and I think this is the best most commendable commitment you make. I believe you will one day be free of that weighing guilt. Your wife must know that you love her because you're still with her. My god man, you still have a conscience. It's the people like you that will come through one day because you care so much. There has to be something good you will learn from your experience. Thank God your family is still together; and, you have a great part in this fact. Thank you for sharing your experience. At least it teaches all of us. I hate to think there won't be some resolve or forgiveness or healing or something. I know there is. Hoping the best for you and your family, Flower

Kalshane, I reread your post. You asked, "How would you feel if your husband carried on like this?". Well, I don't discourage him having friends of the opposite sex. He works with women every day at his company, goes to lunch when necessary, and must run into some at one time or another who might be attractive to him. This is normal. People all have attractive qualities. This is God-given and cool with me. If he were to find he felt something for someone over the internet, he'd tell me, just as I kept as much as I could out in the open with him; he handled it very maturely. We'd talk about it. My husband felt it was something I needed to work through. And many people, during the course of their marriage at one time or another in individual lives, will go through different things like this. People change and thereforeeee marriages change. After years of marriage things do change, and so it's a matter of adjusting to it; and this is really difficult sometimes, esp. when you feel your needs are not being met, as I had felt. I hadn't looked to "carry on" with this man. I just simply found I really felt strongly for him as he has something I was missing. He helped me work my feelings out and even encouraged me to try to work it out with my husband, though all the while voicing that he felt the same strong desire and attraction for me. I found this a commendable action. As far as his sex life, I think he's just a horny young 32 yr. old. So, of course you are looking from the outside at this situation from what I have shared. I do appreciate your having taken time to reply, and you're not wrong in some of what you shared. Unless you've been through it, however, you really wouldn't know much more about these things. The reason I asked for advice is because I miss this man, regardless of how he has treated me. Both of us have acknowledged that we feel as close friends as *result* of our correspondence and experience. This is just one of those things that just happens that you don't plan for. I can let *it* go. It's just that I miss him, weird as the guy is. Thank you again, 11flower

Hi Evy, I don't know, but that's a good question if that's what I'm doing. Hm. I recall what Galaxy Girl's experience with the guy up in Wisconsin is and how she couldn't get her mind off him with the strong desire to have him in her life. I haven't been able to answer questions as to the human soul and what the attachment is on my part. He really got under my skin. I don't write him any longer, visa versa. I just feel as if a bond had been created. We are and yet aren't on platonic friendly terms. He can be quite an ass, 'scuse me, as well as one pretty shallow sot. Oh well, I'll keep your question in mind. Hopefully this reflection will bring more answers so I can actually let the attachment go. Thank you, 11flower

Wow. You are expressing some pretty poignant thoughts here. I remember feeling this way during my youth years. But sometimes I feel this way even now when at 48 years of age; that is if I'm reading it right. I think it's great you posted this writing and I like it. You should keep writing. Someone will read it and benefit by it; positively. Thanks, 11flower

Samara, Listen, please. I guess I'm not getting what it is the answer you are actually looking for. It sounds that you and your husband must renegotiate your relationship if you and he are to live with your desire and intention to be with other women. It's not that you want to be with other women that is the issue; it's that well, what is the relationship, you and your husband? There are several things people do in this case. I have heard about polyamory situations. I am not recommending this. This way of living is considered by polyamorists to be ethical. I am not sharing my personal opinion about it. If you are troubled about it, will you ask your husband to renegotiate? If he does not like that you want to be with women but wants to stay with you, what do you want to do? I guess I just am not picking up what answer it is you are wanting, or maybe even the questions you are asking. Will you explain further? Thanks, 11flower

No, this guy is a public person who is a professional musician. He's blind from birth and was a prodigy. He wouldn't risk his reputation in the regard you're talking about. He's just a little self-absorbed, such as so many are who have lived a celebratous life, if this makes sense. He's just lost in his world. He can be pretty nice too, and down to earth. I've gotten to know him enough. He just has issues he may never be able to deal with. He's not a murderer as in charisma la Ted Bundy. He is pretty weird at times. It's a manipulative and persuasive thing from a brilliantly developed intellect. He's all about himself, unfortunately..one of those neglected during growing up years guys who is a celebrity in somewhat a hollywood world, IMHO. 11flower

Hi Evy, It's because he just has this charisma that charmed me to no end. My husband and I's marriage had suffered a bit. It's something I can't answer, that is, as to the attachment I still feel, as if he is a good friend. But, you're right as to "there's no question". I still just don't get it. I don't completely understand it. 11flower

HA! Thanks Salvador. You do have a point there and I can't deny you said it right. 11flower

Hi, Some have said you shouldn't go poking into your "committed's" private email. In this case, I wonder should you have an exception to the rule. I think you have a right to know what your boyfriend is doing. You've had his baby. He's committed to come back and see you. You've made some life plans to be together. No, I'm sorry. You have a right to know because you've also made plans around this guy's commitment. Right now, the most important issue in my mind is you, your baby, and that you do know what this guy is up to. Those other girls, well, it sounds to me he might be at something, or up to something. But, I'm a cautious person. But I am also one to see the handwriting on the wall. So, you feel doubt; you have reason to feel doubt. No harm in checking out the reality of the situation and excusing yourself for the oh so terrible atrocity of violating his private emails. Honey, don't worry. You've committed and had his baby, made plans together. No, you have a right. Find out what's going on. If you find he's playing around on you, at least you will be able to begin negotiating your relationship together and/or making new plans, or reconciling, or best of all, there was nothing to worry about. Men can often be attracted to women, as can women to men. That's not wrong. It's wrong when you violate a commitment or the agreement with one another as to your relationship, right? Let us know what happens and what the outcome is. Hang in there, 11flower

Hi H., You sound you might be in the medical profession? Just wondering--I noticed "Hydrazine". I do know those nagging feelings of guilt. When I have these, I go to my God and tell Him outright. He knows it all along anyway. We are all human; we all make mistakes; we all become weak and have unanswered questions; we all are blindsighted at times. The way I've found I've been freed from the sense of deep guilt is when I've put all my "stuff" on the table. I just tell it like it is. When I began to fall in love with another guy (unheard of for a Bible believer), I told my husband about it..."Honey, I'm having trouble. Why is this? What can we do so that I'm not tempted in this way; what is it in our marraige that is hurting (it was and still is in ways) that can be changed so I don't feel need to go outside for help?", stuff. Maybe you just need to let yourself feel what you do and cry it out. What was it made you fall in love with your wife? Why are you still with her? What sort of pain do you need to confront in yourself? What wound in you is it that made the way for you to be tempted to cheat in the first place? Brother, don't think you're alone. I think you've taken the first most greatest step for your healing and marriage reconciliation, somehow, someway...at least, healing of deep wounds that may even go way back. Trust me, you're not alone. All the best for you. I know you can find a way. At least, talk to God and tell Him. See what happens? He didn't condemn me when I admitted my mistakes; and, I've made pleeeennty of them. All best and hopes for best, 11flower

Hello, Please pardon how lengthy this email is. I had a somewhat similar situation to Galaxy Girl's. I'm also married, 3 great kids, a great man for a husband. I am also told I look 10 yrs younger and told am attractive. I'm 48. My husband satisfies me sexually, and I'm at sort of a peak in my life in this regard (so, sex is cool!). Oh; 'scuse me. But, last May, I met someone on the net. This guy emailed me for business purposes only, at first.... He came on strong and also scared me a little. Something wasn't right. Anyway, we began to chat. But in a few weeks time, we began to fall into an infatuation, carrying on a friendship relationship daily chatting. He also literally drove me crazy, sexually. Though I tried, I could not control my feelings of infatuation. Mind you, I don't believe in cheating on my spouse for several reasons I'll not go into now. I think that it's partly that my husband and I were not totally fulfilling one another in various aspects. So, anyway... This man and I have a lot in common, as we both are musicians loving the same things, studies, instruments. We have strong chemistry and a strong intellectual affinity. I actually grew to, well, I think, fall deeply in love with him. He requited my feelings. We became good, close friends via internet. We spoke occasionally on the phone. I fantasized leaving and going to live with him. We talked it over and knew it wouldn't work. In a nutshell, we concluded the relationship--him saying "We'd remain fantastic friends and (he) would never forget or neglect me." Man, it was real as real can get. I still don't understand it to this day. On another hand, he can also be very manipulative, mean, sometimes cruel. Twice we have had disagreements; and, being that he also needs control, cut off our communication ranting that we aren't even compatible as friends. AFter the first "break-up" ;-), we began to recommunicate via internet, but then he cut it off *again* when I began to mention things about his life that I feel he doesn't want known (secrets--ooh ooh!). There are things about his life he doesn't want known, at least by me. I miss him and almost still feel much affection for him in an infatuatory (a word?) way. I still feel he's just a good friend, or even a brother such as in that type of closeness. Anyway, he's a big overweight guy, but very brilliant, mostly sensitive and very artistically talented. He seems out of touch with who he really is and is narcisistic. I had felt he was my soulmate for awhile. One catch is that he is into an African relgion. He is a highly promiscuous guy and sleeps with at least 6 women a year. He claims to want stability and monogamy, but doesn't seem to have a sense of other's feelings unless he only can benefit, being slightly narcisstistic. He's 15 yrs. my junior, but in ways more like a 55 yr old man. During our friendship, we've talked at length about personal issues, and we concluded he should find a young wife who can have his children. He is a pretty worldy guy; well-travleled; well-read, etc. He recently met a young sweet 20-yr.old gal on the internet with whom he is sleeping with now. I think he seems desperate for sex. This girl sounds somewhat naive, from a one-horse town. I've felt jealousy, but am also concerned for this girl because of the fact this guy sleeps with how many women and will take adavantage of the naivte of this young inexperienced lady. He doesn't practice the *voodoo* part of the religion, BTW. I think he just wants a "bang" partner, pardon the crudeness. Oh well. A vent. I will appreciate any of your thoughts. I still would like to stay in contact with him, as I'm somewhat attached. But his being one way one day, and another way another day is what's so strange. Too much said? Any help and thoughts appreciated. What do I do to keep a good friendship/attachment/platonic/somewhat attracted/whatever relationship going? Should I ask him that we should remain friends...again? I miss him a lot, whether romantic, or not. 11flower

Hi, Well, the way I look at it is that if you and your husband vowed to be together, and the way you agreed was with one another only, and he does feel cheated when you want to be with women, then should you think through why you are still with your husband? You can't help feel what you do. But if it destroys your husband, then maybe you should rethink your relationship to your husband. Maybe you should renegotiate the relationship. Maybe it would help you to make a choice as to how you would like to live life with your husband. If your choices end up leaving your husband jealous or, for the lack of a better word, destroyed, then why stay in the relationship? Do you want your husband? It sounds you do. But if he can't live with your choices and you want to have freedom to sexually be with others, would it be a good idea to work it out with him or rethink it? Can you give up your choices to be with others while still married to your husband?