pineapplegirl

DBL: >You hit the nail on the head with your quote: >What goes around comes around, and I worry about that everyday because of what I went through...A relationship with a married man is the frigging gift that keeps on giving...

Hi Sage, >peanut provides some very good insight. There are a lot of support groups for women like your friend... >On an emotional level: sometimes women who are aware of those groups don't take advantage of them because they don't think they will help. I wonder why you feel "obligated" to rescue her? Have you thought about that at all? >Not judging, just asking from a different point of view. Let me know what you think.

Ayeka: I'm glad you liked it. And thanks for reading my post. Sage: You touched on a couple of issues, >I think the best answer is none of the above...He has filed for divorce, and is in the middle of proceedings now. But, I know that he really did it for himself. Becuase he knew she wasn't making him happy, and he knows I might...but has not made any promises to me. >I think I have given so much to him, and been understanding of the situation, that I truly do think I deserve more. As far as seeing where I stand, I know that after the divorce, I don't want him to feel pressured or obligated to seek me out as his new wife or g/f or anything. It will take some time for him to grieve the divorce and heal from it, and I wouldn't want him to be mine until he's sure that he can be in a real relationship. >I'm happier now that I've began to reclaim my life, and my time without always deciding what to do AFTER he tells me what his plans are. We still talk, but have not been intimate in months. It's a hard habit to break, loving someone... >It must be hard to sit and watch her cry, or even hear her cry on the phone. And if she says that "you" make it "worse", it's probably because when the night is through, and all is said and done, you go home to your wife and she goes home to nobody...an empty bed where she cries even more and harder than ever. As far as she saying you could hurt her...she wants you to know that her defenses are up with everyone-anger is an easy defense mechanism, but for you she has let you see and experience a part of her that she doesn't let a lot of people see. **Hope I was able to help. Continue to ask me questions if needed Sage, it helps me open my eyes wider too.

I am also a chicken...and hate scary movies etc. And I especially wouldn't go to the cemetery oh Halloween. Not even if I got promised a picnic

sage: I responded to you on my posting for Do's and Don'ts...

**Thanks for the response sage blue. Now, for your dilemma: >You answered a little bit of your own question right there Sage. This woman sounds to be quite broken winged. You may want to ask yourself if you rescued her simply because she needed to be rescued, or because you were able to be someone's hero, in a way that maybe you can't in your marriage. Moving on, >Again, why are you so concerned about this girl? Is she that helpless and you are so strong that it was just meant to be??? Or, does she provide a certain quality, say vulnerability, that your wife does not have? Men like to feel needed, I know that much. Do you want to love this girl or just be her Superman? >Okay, touchy situation. In my relationship, I never told him to get a divorce, but I certainly never discouraged it either. The fact that this girl is making commentary on the personality of your wife indicates to me that you have discussed, at least in some detail, you marriage and unhappiness in the marriage. This girl may represent a certain aspect that you have absent in your marriage. It sounds like you want her to need you and she really does need you. Will that novelty wear off though? I mean really, if she should get thrown in jail, hypothetically speaking, then what? Jump in the jail cell with her? I don't mean to sound like a smart ass, but the extremes of situations sometimes make the decision for you... >As far as your wife and kids, my parents got divorced when I was a teenager. My father had cheated on my Mom years before they actually got a divorce though. In retrospect, I would have rather had them get divorced instead of him cheating on my mom. I think knowing that he cheated on my Mom, really screwed me up as an adult. >Back to the girl, it sounds to me like she needs a man who will come to her rescue-YOU, and it sounds to me like you want a woman who shows you that she needs you more and shows some interest in what you say-HER. **I hope this helps some. Feel free to respond and I'll try to wrack my brain for more answers-for both of us really.

kind of depends where you are and how old you are... P.S.: If a guy wanted to take me to a cemetery I'd freak out and go home.

I spent a long time on this. It started out as a response to a posting in the infidelity forum, but I want it to have a chance on the front line, so to speak. This forum is for us to learn from each other and hopefully have people benefit from our experiences. Well, this is mine. This is for any woman dating/contemplating dating/wanting to date etc. a married man (or a man in relationship) > You are a convenience store for him, 7-11, Circle K etc. He calls you/goes to you/writes you when it is convenient for him. He goes to you when he needs something/wants something. Whether it be sex, fun, a compassionate ear, a warm young body, a shoulder to cry on... you are the convenient person to go to. And while having an affair is not convenient(that's what he'll say if you tell him you're tired of not being prioritized), you must accept that he will only go to you when it is appropriately timed for him. > As for your convenience, it will no longer exist. You will spend nights alone, wait for his call, you will run to your computer every time you get home to see if he wrote to you. And as far as making plans with your friends and family, he will come first, regardless of what you think now... > You will not see him on your birthday, his birthday, his wife's birthday, his kids' birthday(assuming he has kids), his kids' open house/back to school night, any major holidays, their anniversary, his mother or father in law's birthday or their anniversary, etc. (the list goes on and on)... >In public, he will not hold your hand, allow you to take his arm, or display any type of affection that may be interpreted by anyone as anything other than platonic. > If you call him, block your number, it may show up on your phone bill, but at least it won't show up on his, and if his wife has his phone and answers, then you can just hang up without evidence. > Don't leave voicemails. The access codes are easy to get, and voicemail checked by wife=BUSTED. >If he calls you, he should know that if he ever pursues a divorce and an extra-marital affair is ever in question, they will subpoena his phone records, and he will have to explain why he is calling you... > You will never meet his family, friends, kids, co-workers(unless that is you work together, yikes, that's another story). > You will never rank number one on his list of priorities. At best, you'll make it into the top 20, if you're lucky. >If you do go out with him in public, bring your cell phone and enough cash to grab a taxi to take you home. Circumstance may arise that you have NO OTHER OPTION than to take a taxi, especially if you get busted. > You will probably cry yourself to sleep missing the married man, all the while wondering if he is sleeping next to his wife. > He will direct and control the relationship in every way shape and form. You will see him when he can see you, he will call you when he can call you, and when you want to see him or call him you'll be SOL. > The chances of him getting a divorce FOR YOU are slim. > The chances of him getting a divorce because he's unhappy enough to cheat, however, are good. > He is having his cake and eating it too. > You'll probably never see the inside of his house. > Forget about going on vacation with him, either for the weekend to a destination close enough to drive (if it's that close he won't risk getting caught), and forget about a week long vacation to some tropical destination. Airline tickets are easily traceable, and it wouldn't take a genius to put 2+2 together. >If he does get a divorce, you will (believe it or not) probably not be the first thing he runs to. He may keep you around, but don't think that just because he left HER, spot number automatically defaults to YOU. > If you are hurt, (like in the hospital), he probably won't get to go to you. > If he is hurt, you probably will want to go to him, but won't be able to...I mean, that's gonna be pretty uncomfortable to run into his wife in the waiting room... *I am not casting stones... I am only providing feedback on what I KNOW AND WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH. *I am NOT advocating any type of extra marital affair, I'm simply offering the wisdom of my experience. I know that infidelity is wrong all the way around. *To this day, I still go through it on a certain level...Take what you will from my advice. No one could have told me to not keep seeing my guy. I have been seeing him for close to 3 and 1/2 years now, and it does not get easier. Although I have started to walk, ever so slowly, away after realizing that it is probably not worth it. *I have really gone through hell and back with this. I have sat on New Years' Eve cleaning my bathroom, I have spent birthdays alone because I told my family that I was "going out with friends"all under the impression that I'd spend those days with him...but then his plans changed. *You will do what you will... No one can stop you, even though everyone seems to think they have the right to judge you. Just know, that you may reach a point that you may become ashamed of what you are doing. *You will have to look at yourself in the mirror regardless of what happens with him. *I find it nearly impossible right now to really trust any man that I meet because I got so screwed up in the relationship with the married guy. *If I could go back and change it, I probably wouldn't. (Yes, readers go ahead and lash out at me for that). *I DO wish I had not bailed out on MY family gatherings/get togethers/dinners etc. I missed out on a lot, and my family will never have any idea why. In any event, good luck to you if you pursue this with him, you'll need it more than you know.

Thanks guy40az. Your feedback helps me to see that even though some of the guys that I have dated are really just out for "the score", there might be a few of you out there that really don't care about that kind of stuff... AQUACHICK: good luck and be careful. hope you have better luck than i do...

**SAD BLUE EYES sorry to read about your situation. Please don't feel I am judging you, but rather, allow me to provide a little insight on what's to come if you continue to pursue this with him(okay, it's a lot of insight) >You are a convenience store for him, 7-11, Circle K etc. He calls you/goes to you/writes you when it is convenient for him. He goes to you when he needs something/wants something. Whether it be sex, fun, a compassionate ear, a warm young body, a shoulder to cry on... you are the convenient person to go to. And while having an affair is not convenient(that's what he'll say if you tell him you're tired of not being prioritized), you must accept that he will only go to you when it is appropriately timed for him. > As for your convenience, it will no longer exist. You will spend nights alone, wait for his call, you will run to your computer every time you get home to see if he wrote to you. And as far as making plans with your friends and family, he will come first, regardless of what you think now... >You will not see him on your birthday, his birthday, his wife's birthday, his kids' birthday(assuming he has kids), his kids' open house/back to school night, any major holidays, their anniversary, his mother or father in law's birthday or their anniversary, etc. (the list goes on and on)... >In public, he will not hold your hand, allow you to take his arm, or display any type of affection that may be interpreted by anyone as anything other than platonic. >If you call him, block your number. >If he calls you, he should know that if he should ever pursue a divorce and an extra-marital affair is even in question, they will subpoena his phone records, and he will have to explain why he is calling you... >You will never meet his family, friends, kids, co-workers(unless that is you work together, yikes, that's another story). > You will never rank number one on his list of priorities. At best, you'll make it into the top 20, if you're lucky. > If you do go out with him in public, bring your cell phone and enough cash to grab a taxi to take you home. Circumstance may arise that you have NO OTHER OPTION than to take a taxi, especially if you get busted. >You will probably cry yourself to sleep missing the MM, all the while wondering if he is sleeping next to his wife. > He will direct and control the relationship in every way shape and form. You will see him when he can see you, he will call you when he can call you, and when you want to see him or call him you'll be SOL. > The chances of him getting a divorce FOR YOU are slim. The chances of him getting a divorce because he's unhappy enough to cheat are good. > He is having his cake and eating it too. >You'll probably never see the inside of his house. > Forget about going on vacation with him, either for the weekend to a destination close enough to drive (if it's that close he won't risk getting caught), and forget about a week long vacation to some tropical destination. Airline tickets are easily traceable, and it wouldn't take a genius to put 2+2 together. >If he does get a divorce, you will(believe it or not)probably not be the first thing he runs to. He may keep you around, but don't think that just because he left HER, YOU jump into priority spot number one. > If you are hurt, (like in the hospital), he probably won't get to go to you. > If he is hurt, you probably will want to go to him, but won't be able to...I mean, that's gonna be pretty uncomfortable to run into his wife in the waiting room... *My friend, please realize that I am not judging you. I am not casting stones... I am only providing feedback on what I KNOW AND WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH. *To this day, I still go through it on a certain level...Take what you will from my advice. No one could have told me to not keep seeing my MM. I have for close to 3 and 1/2 years now, and it does not get easier. *I have really gone through hell and back with this . I have sat on New Years' Eve cleaning my bathroom, I have spent birthdays alone because I told my family that I was "going out with friends"all under the impression that I'd spend those days with him...but then his plans changed. *You will do what you will... No one can stop you, even though everyone seems to think they have the right to judge you. Just know, that you will reach a point that you may become ashamed of what you are doing. *You will have to look at yourself in the mirror regardless of what happens with him. *If I could go back and change it, I probably wouldn't. (Yes, readers go ahead and lash out at me for that). *I DO wish I had not bailed out on MY family gatherings/get togethers/dinners etc. I missed out on a lot, and my family will never have any idea why. ** Please feel free to PM me if you want more of my feedback... Otherwise, good luck to you if you pursue this with him, you'll need it more than you know.

I don't think it's that big of a deal. As long as you're sure they're really divorced...not turning you into the mid life crisis mistress.

You should take things extremely slowly, and let her initiate a lot of the contact. You don't want to be considered an "over cuddler". Good luck.

I lose interest if: a) the guy shows no interest in me b) the guy shows too much interest in me (CREEPY STALKER VIBE) Generally speaking, at least for me, there is a fine line between being liked by a guy, and being stalked by a guy. If the girl has trust and commitment issues, she generally needs to know that she won't regret dating the person in question...

I'll agree to disagree... =;

I suppose the entire thing could be argued on different levels, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, even if it's just for arguments sake. BUT, maybe he just wants to have a little fun, without "putting a lot of effort into it". And I think that is his whole point. No harm no foul as long as he's honest with the girl(s) he is "dating". BTW, I read what you said very carefully before I responded.

It is advised that for at least 14 days, use a secondary form of protection (ie. condom). But, to be on the totally safe side, I'd give it a month.

I agree with day_walker. It's her problem if she can't get over you, maybe she should have tried harder to not lose you when she had you.

Hey samson66, refer to my posting on the forum. It always sucks to get dumped. You were wondering if YOU caused the end of the relationship just because you went out of town on business and then a wedding-YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T. It just seems like her interest fizzled out. End of story. No worries, you'll find someone who will appreciate you. And keep up the NC, she doesn't sound like she'd appreciate you.

Good quality to have, wouldn't rank on my top ten of importance. I think it would be cool to date someone that could play an instrument though, considering that all I know how to play is a frigging CD.

Scout: What's with the time frame on grieving a break up? Excuse my response, but I guess I never got the rule book on how to deal with a broken heart...

Yes, you're right... It's not the answer for ALL love problems. I ammended the title of the posting.

It sounds like kantore is kinda just venting, and dealing with a broken heart. And if he's a little pissed off, who isn't after a break up?

jnelson: please refer to my most recent post in the forum Most women choose the guy that's going to be bad for her/won't treat her well/is an idiot etc. over the guy who will be GOOD to her. And, if a_ron would recognize that, then mabe he'll find someone that is worthy of his love.

NO NEED TO RESPOND, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE DECIDED FOR ME. Aloha to all. After a couple of days of being in the forum and having read a lot of posts by a lot of guys who are LONGING for and PINING for and MISSING and LOVING someone in their life...I have to say I am amazed at how many of you there are that are caring enough to take the time to post on the forum. So my answer is this: I have not paid attention to the right guys that I have met. Like a lot of women, I've gone for the one that I shouldn't be with (ie. too old, too stupid, too immature, not funny, already in relationships!). And, the ones that would take the time to post on this forum are the ones that I skipped over (the guy in college that told me he loved me and I didn't know enough to not let him go, the one that held my hand when I got dumped, the one that tells me I deserve more than what I have let myself settle for). **So, to all of the guys that are cool enough to post on this forum-you deserve better, trust me. **And to all of the girls who shut down those guys (I say this to myself too), you missed out. I know I have missed out on a couple of guys that would've been awesome... But, life wouldn't be any fun if we didn't get to make mistakes and learn from them, now would it?

Why didn't I know any of you/your type when I was in school?! My advice: just keep being her friend. She will never value who you are and what you are until she finishes the partying thing. And by that time, you'll have found some hot, smart, sexy chick that is totally in love with you and she'll be SOL.