JohnnyTable

There are many people who you do not communicate with. This is not because they are unfit to communicate with, rather you simply are not doing it for whatever reason. This includes not knowing them or wanting to get on with your life. The ex should understand this. Sure, there is no way to competely forget about somebody or not be reminded of them. However you can actively do as much as you can to move on from them. Then you can remember the good things and the positive things that they brought you in your life with a clear head. I think about my ex-ex often but it does not bother me, simply because I have moved on from her. I can think about her as much as I want now without any pain. My current ex however is another story since it is so new. Who said anything about demonizing the ex? This is about moving on from them so that you can live a happy life. I love my ex and think that she is a great person. However I know that I cannot sit around for months or years thinking about them. It's already been months. Anymore thinking has little positive value right now. Yeah it is really sad to use NC as a weapon. It keeps you stuck there firing away at a person who is not even in the same universe as you are. I agree. Once you come to the realization of what it is for, then it actually becomes a lot easier. You are no longer "waiting" for something. Rather you are living your life and simply not contacting the other person... just as you are living your life and not drilling holes into your head for fun.

Then your friend has not decided to move on. Otherwise they would not be making these wishes or kissing them. You must actually DECIDE to move on before you can.

I never said that one should not think about why the relationship ended. I said that people should STOP thinking about it. Most people on this board have been going over these thoughts for weeks or months at a time. It is pointless. They are not going to figure out anything more than they already have. Of course you should experience the feelings of the breakup and determine why the relationship ended. But once you have done this, then move on. Moving on does not mean constantly thinking about why you broke up. You have already thought about that enough.

I didn't say that you had to destroy it. I said that you had to get rid of it, which means putting it in storage or at somebody elses place. You just have to be away from it. I only recommend destruction especially for replacable things. The main gist of this thread is how to disconnect your brain from your ex. If you can do this by having their stuff around, then that is fine. For example I sleep under a blanket that she bought me and for some reason it doesn't have any connection that bothers me. Yet I had to throw away a toothbrush that I used to use at her house.

As everybody knows, NC is the two letter word on this board. It is the solution to your problems. It helps you move forward, and some think that it helps bring their ex back. First of all, NC is for you. It is not something to do to your ex. Frankly they have their own life now and you are out of it. So remember that. Many people think that in order to do NC, you simply don't contact your ex. No emails. No text. No phone calls. They are right in some way and these are easy rules to understand. However, you should go further. You should go no contact between your brain and your ex. This means: -Stop looking at pictures of them -Don't read their emails (delete all of them - period) -Don't think about what they are doing -Don't wonder if they will come back -Stop thinking about why the relationship ended -Stop planning on how you will contact them -Stop posting on this board about why they have hurt you and that you are confused Granted this is really hard to do. I'm not expecting somebody to be able to do this up front as there are a lot of things to work through. But once you have worked through them, be done with them. Once you get to this point, you realize why your ex isn't calling. They aren't calling for the same reason that you aren't calling - there is no reason to... and this no longer bothers you. Just as you aren't calling random strangers, your ex isn't calling you and you aren't calling your ex. If they do call, it is typically out of weakness. Recognize this. This might sound impossible. It certainly was for me, but I'm getting better at it. A few tips: -Get rid of 100% of anything that reminds you of them. Gifts, pictures, blankets, plants, WHATEVER. If you don't want to throw them away at least get them out of your house. Put them in storage at a friend/family house for awhile. I recommend the trash bin myself. This proves to yourself that you are ready to move on. This is actions rather than words. This is taking control over your situation to make sure that you heal. Be willing to change everything if necessary. Eventually you will start feeling better. Don't hold back either. If for some reason your brand of toothpaste reminds you of them, throw the tube away and buy a different one. -Come up with some new things to think about. Remodelling your house? A new hobby? World peace? Whatever it is. Start thinking about this when you notice yourself thinking about your ex. Just switch over to this new thought and do it quickly. Force yourself to do it. Eventually you will start thinking about other things naturally without having to force it. Now you are thinking about moving on rather than thinking about your ex. You are thinking about yourself. Sure you still have that "breakup feeling" but it is different. Eventually you will be moved on and you will stop thinking about this moving on process. However in the meantime, thinking about yourself and moving on is much better than wasting life thinking about your ex. You might be scared that if you stop thinking about your ex that you will forget them. You will feel guilty for pushing away the good thoughts and for missing them. Don't worry about it. You can think about them fondly someday when you have healed. Also people don't easily forget so don't worry about that. I remember a girl that I kissed in Kindergarten. I remember the girl I had a crush on in 5th grade. I remember somebody that I only went on two dates with. How in the world will one forget somebody that was spent years with? It doesn't make sense.

When you are in LC, your brain gets into a limbo. You feel like you are "still with" a person in which you really aren't. They are moving forward and you are standing still. One thinks about a relationship that doesn't really exist. You can only realize this after a good period of NC, IMHO.

Rickster, don't call her on your birthday. What's the point? I had an ex that didn't call on my b-day which was a few months after we broke up. It actually helped me move forward, because I realized that she was never going to call (and she didn't and its been a few years).

Do NC now, not later.

All you care about is her? That is pathetic and women will sense this in a microsecond. I've been there. You need to care about yourself 100%. Once you do this, then you can care about other people, but not at the expensive of yourself. Please go over to link removed and read the information. Buy the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and read it cover to cover. It will change your life given the attitude that you currently have. I know as it changed mine and other peoples on this forum.

I probably wouldn't reply to this email. It is just trying to get you to reply. Maybe you could say something like, "To be honest, I haven't really thought about it lately. So I guess not. Hope that helps."

I'm starting to equate these things with checking ones bank balance 50 times a day to make sure that the money is still there. Then checking the history to see how the money got there. Then worrying about where the money might go if it is spent. Then wondering what I could have done differently to make more money there. Silly! Just check the balance and be done with it. You don't need to constantly check. Just as you don't need to constantly "check why we broke up" by thinking about it in your mind and justifying it to yourself somehow. Knowing that you won't go back eliminates a lot of the thinking about the exes future, since it becomes irrelevant. Why should I care about the future of somebody that I will not have in my life? Knowing that you won't contact means that you don't need to think about doing it. You don't need to "wait around for 30 days and then contact." You simply know that you aren't going to do it, so you don't. It's not a manipulation of the other person, rather it is just something that I'm not going to do. Just as I know that I'm not going to get a tattoo, so I don't worry about it. I'm not going to shoot drugs, so I don't worry about it. I'm not going to contact my ex, so I don't worry about it. And finally, knowing that I can handle it if she contacts me is a big one. I don't need to obsess over why she might contact. What I will do if she contacts. How I will feel if she contacts. The simple fact is that she will contact for whatever reason she wants to. I will feel the way that I do if she does, and I will do what I need to do if she does. Planning beyond that is pretty much a waste of time, especially since any "plan" that I make now would totally change 6 months down the road if something happened. thereforeee I might as well just wait until then. (I do know that I will not answer the phone, in order to give me time to figure out how I want to proceed)

I thought about this. However, I don't even want to go beyond the thinking that I know why it is over. I've already hashed that in my brain like 50 million times. Another 50 million is not going to make me feel any better. Perhaps some reminders on the back would help if I start to question my card. But so far, I trust the card.

Today's latest invention. I caught myself feeling good and not constantly thinking about the ex. So I figured out why and wrote it down on a note card. When I start to think about the ex again, I can refer to this card giving me good reasons not to. My card says: -You know why it happened -You know that you won't go back -You know that you won't contact -You know that you will handle it if she contacts This eliminates a lot of the thought that I have. Why do I need to keep rehashing in my mind why it ended? I already know that to the best of my knowledge. I know that I won't go back, so why have all of the "what if" questions floating around? I know that I won't contact her, because there is no good reason to do so anytime in the near future. I also know that if she does contact me, I'll handle it no matter what happens. I don't need to obsess over "what if's" there either. I simply need to know that I will be okay, which I will be. Turns out that thinking about myself is more fun than thinking about the ex, but it won't fit on the card Hopefully it will work for awhile.

Say you met somebody new. This person has a boyfriend and treats you this way. Would you be wasting time on her? Probably not. So stop wasting time on this girl as well. There is no way that you will get an answer from her that will make you feel better. I can prove it! Try writing an email to yourself coming from her that would actually make you feel better. Pretty hard isn't it? One thing to remember is that this girl is saying to you what she feels at the time. Her feelings could be changing every 10 minutes. She might have meant what she sent to you in email a few days ago and might think completely differently now. I'm sure you go through the same cycles.

To be honest, women have a much easier time of being "just friends" with a guy than the other way around. I would keep this in mind when talking to your female friend that is still buddies with her ex. I'm not sure why this is exactly either. Perhaps it is because women know they can get guys at the drop of a hat. Seems like when women go from lovers to just friends, they want everything to be the same, only they don't have sex with you anymore and have sex with somebody else. I would try to find a guy who is still friends with his ex and see how he feels about it.

I sympathize with you. Been there myself and it sucks. She is simply too weak to break up with you. She wants to see what is out there while keeping you on a string just in case she can't find what she wants. Is this okay with you? Let me ask you something. Say you met a girl that you really liked. She was beautiful, fun, and really seemed to like you. On her second date she says, "I really like you, but I'm not sure about you yet. I would like to date around with other people for awhile and figure out what I want. In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you would hold onto me emotionally and be there for me if I decide to come back. Please sign here." You would say * * * and kick her to the curb. You should do the same thing now. The fact that you went out together for X amount of years does not matter. What matters is YOUR future. You are probably affraid to kick this girl to the curb because you think that you will "lose her" or that she will "go away". Let me tell you, you already have lost her and she has already left. She is just too much of a coward to commit to it. Every millisecond that you spend around this person is a millisecond that you could be with yourself healing or somebody else enjoying life. Those milliseconds add up You will also not become accustomed to the situation. It will simply suck for you while she gets what she wants. I've tried. It is impossible given that you love her and want to be with her. So in summary, cut or off and erase her from your life (remove anything that reminds you of her from your presense). Don't take it lightly. Go hard core. Some stupid toothbrush that she gave you? Trash. Picture? Box it. Candle that is her favorite scent? Trash. Clothes that she bought you? Donate them. Does her number have a specific ring tone on your phone? Great, give that ringtone to ALL of your numbers. Now that ring isn't special anymore. It will remind you of her, but eventually it will mean nothing. Then go through the things that you can't remove, such as restaurants or events that you two shared. Don't avoid these. Go to them with other people. Do the things that you did with her, only with new people. This will replace those memories with new ones. The old ones will be there, but they will fade in importance. This is key. I wish you luck. Your situation is incredibly difficult, but you can do it once you decide to actually act and get it done.

What could you possibly get out of this friendship? Friendships shouldn't be this hard or cause emotional turmoil like this. All of the calling stuff is BS. I would go strict NC for awhile and see how you feel after a few months. Then come back and read this post and hear yourself laugh in disbelief about how you felt

This will be hard to do, but don't think about what he said. He was either lying to you or himself, didn't want to hurt you, or confused. Regardless it doesn't matter. I had an ex tell me that she loved me the day before she broke up. I've had an ex tell me that she wanted more children (one reason for us breaking up, a single mom who didn't want more kids) within a few days of us breaking up. I've had an ex hold my hand, hug, and kiss me WHILE breaking up with me. What does this all say? They are confused. They say things to make themselves feel better. The only thing that you can listen to are the facts and the simple fact is that you two are no longer together, so you will need to stop talking to him and move on. I've been there several times. It is incredibly painful.

I didn't read your entire message. However, in my experience, you should really try to be with somebody who is HOLE and HEALED. You should not be with them to fill their void. Otherwise how do you know if you are there because they want YOU? What happens when this void is finally filled? How can they give when they are empty themselves? Wait for her to get better. In the meantime find somebody healthy.

You set a boundary that she was not to contact you. She violated this boundary which is not respecting your wishes. She is being weak and disrespectful. Obviously you need to reenforce this. I can see this being done one of two ways: -Don't respond -Respond with something like "We agreed that you would not be contacting me. Please respect this agreement." No need to address anything that she said, since she shouldn't have been saying it in the first place. Whether or not she is being tortured or having the time of her life doesn't really matter. You are the one that matters.

Why string her along? Why not just get your stuff back and get on with your life? She is playing games with you, but she can only do that while you play as well. Whether or not she thinks that you hate her is irrelevant. That is her problem. What matters now is what you feel and what you want to do.

I'm not sure what you should do, but I know that you shouldn't do this!

Say your boss invites you into their office to let you know that the company won't be needing your skills anymore. Your employment has been terminated and they have hired a new employee to replace the small amount of work which you did that was still valuable to them. They thank you for your contribution and send you on your way. What do you do? Sure you might be depressed. Losing a job often sucks. But do you plot on ways to get the job back? Do you sit around wondering if they are going to call you because they miss you at work? Are you wondering if this new employee will really work out? Do you have hope that they will realize their mistake and come begging for your return? Do you stop by the office so that they will realize how good of an employee you were? Of course not, that would be ridiculous! Instead you improve yourself for the marketplace in order to find yourself a new job. Then you go out and find a job that gets you your needs met. Sure you might miss the old job which is fine, but that job is gone. Now think about your ex-relationship. Sound familiar? Of course people don't breakup in the same way that companies fire people, because most people are simply weak cowards in this regard. Instead it would be The company starts to wonder if you are not working out for them. In order to figure this out, they reduce your pay a little bit. You complain, but you stick around. This lets them lower their risk, look for a new employee, while you keep working hard at your job. In fact you might work harder in hopes that your pay will rise again, but it doesn't. When you ask why the paycheck is a little smaller than normal, they come up with some excuse about being "too busy" to give the money for you... but not to worry because it will come. Everything is okay. They keep reducing your pay gradually. Keep in mind that nobody else is receiving a pay cut. Eventually a new employee starts which begins taking over the work that you used to do. They are getting paid really well. At this point the employer is happy with their situation and decides to terminate your employment. They do this by telling you "we just aren't sure where we are in the marketplace right now, and we need to let you go while we figure this out. Maybe we can pay you for work in the future. We just don't know." Then they call you every few weeks to see how you are doing. Sound familiar? Regardless, why should you behave differently in this situation? It's the company who is weak. They are not doing you ANY favors. They are not being nice. Improve yourself for the marketplace and find yourself a new job.

Preplanned? Prepaid? Unfortunately these are just excuses getting in the way of you healing. I know as I've used them before, just recently in fact. Plans can change. You probably weren't planning on breaking up either. Prepaid? Either take the loss or bring somebody else.

I agree with what people are saying here. Really, 6 weeks of NC is not all that much. Depending on how long you were together, I would say give it 6-12 months and then see how you feel.