JohnnyTable

I think that she needs to figure out what she wants before you talk further. If what she wants includes seeing you, perhaps seeing a couselor, or exploring the opportunity, then that is great and you can make a decision on what *you* want. However right now she does not know what she wants and she should come back when she does. Just to be clear, I'm not saying that she should be decided on your or not you. She should just know how she wants to proceed and if that meshes with what you want, then great. MHO of course

It isn't even good to have her on your speed dial, let alone a roomate! She decieved you. She lied to you until you revealed your proof. She will lie again. However I understand your situation. My ex lied to me and part of me would still take her back. I try to snap out of this as much as possible and back to the "no way in h@ll" mode.

IMHO, forget it. Seeing somebody else for 8 months without you knowing about it? How long would it have gone if you didn't know about it? You will always be worried that it would be happening again, or that it is already happening and you just don't know about it.

Fantastic post. I think that both her and yourself are doing the right things with how this is being handled.

Interesting question. Remember how you were when you first met your ex and they wanted you? Perhaps acting like *that* is the way that you should be. That is how I'm starting to feel about myself and it is feeling good. People in general are becoming more attracted to me.

You are right, she is totally mesed up. You must realize and convince yourself that you DO NOT WANT her. If you can do this, then it will be easier to be around her to deal with your things. Honestly, I don't think that you should want her, but those are just words until you actually feel it.

Then if she wanted to be with you and truly loves you, she would have to try harder if you don't respond. Imagine that you were in her shoes: If you left somebody and truly wanted to get back together with that person, would a non-response to a useless e-mail really stop you? If it does, then it is not love in my book. It is her responsibility to come knock your door down to get you back if she "truly" loves you. The NC rule does not work for the dumper getting the dumpee back very well However, she might be testing the waters to at least see if she can get a rseponse if she wants to. When I did NC with my ex I was not responding to her e-mails. Eventually she freaked out "in case she had to contact me about something important."

I feel that if she was deeply in love with you, then she would want to be in a relationship with you and would not have left due to the pressure. The love would win over pressure and make it worth it. Maybe she is scared. I find her e-mail offensive in that she didn't have "time" to reply to your other message. How long does it take to say, "I got your message, thanks for letting me know" or something like that? You are correct in that it is BS. I'm not sure what I would do. I would not respond to her questions without being vague. I would either not respond at all, or respond in a way that gives her NOTHING yet still has a response. Like being a good politician, talking without any words meaning anything or having vast interpretation. This way she cannot say that you are playing a game and ignoring her, yet you are not giving her what she wants. You were clear that you did not want her contacting you unless it was to be together. This is a test... did you mean it? Perhaps you should respond simply with the SAME e-mail that you originally sent her describing the conditions that you want her to contact you in (or was this vocal?) What do others think?

You are in a very tough position. You must maintain NC and stay away from her for good, but on the other hand you also have to go home at some point. I would not go back to your place other than to get your things when you leave. When you do, don't talk to her about personal matters. Just go in, get the job done, and leave. Can you stay with friends or someplace? Maintaining contact will just create more problems that will have to be recovered from, in my opinion.

You mean that the dumper came back right? Just seeing if that was a typo.

It could be a virus that sent it to you because you were in her contact list...

So I met a girl 6+ months ago. Strange circumstances which put us together for several hours, so we had no choice but to talk At the time I was practically married but now I am single. Anyway when we were parting ways, she said that we should hang out sometime because I was the most entertaining guy that she has met for awhile. Well I was not single, so I did not get a number or anything. Turns out that she might have been in a relationship as well too. A message in the wind has told me that she may now be single... through a connection that I cannot take advantage of to contact her (long story but not important now) right now. Is there a good way for me to ask her out or to call me? Since I only know her name and where she lives (ie address lookup on internet) I have a slight problem. Would sending a note to her place look like I am stalking or would it be okay? Remember that she asked me out before!

From her point of view, she probably misses the friend in you. This is normal. I don't think that it means that she wants you back though. I'll admit that I don't know your story. Having that "normal" contact probably makes her feel better. Plus if she has you as a friend, then decision to have left you is that much easier. I went through something similiar with my ex although over the phone. After we broke up, she called me because her Dad was sick. Then I went out of town for 3 weeks and she asked me to call her when I got home. Well when I called, she never returned my message and I find out that she is with somebody else. I find it somewhat offensive that she contacts you like this in a 100% casual way like nothing is wrong, because it is confusing and how can you respond? Lets see what others think...

Okay, it has been a week since I called her to let her know that I was home. No response from her. It is driving me crazy that she goes from "call me when you get back so that we can talk" to just nothing. I know it has only been a week, but it feels like a long time. It has been a month since we actually spoke to each other and two months since splitting up.

Hi Maxter, I could use some advice about my situation as it is very complex due to a twist. My ex and I were together for 5 year and living together for 6 months. During the last year of our relationship I was travelling about 50% of the time. This upset her tremendously, but she gradually got over it (not sure how, maybe by pulling away) and she was able to go with me on a couple of occasions. 4 months before the breakup her Mom died of cancer. She never dealt with this and was free to admit it. During the breakup I made all of the mistakes (begging, pleading, accusing of it being easy on her, etc.). Now here comes the twist: During our relationship I often thought that she may have a drinking problem, but I was in denial. When things got really bad I went to seek professional help for myself. I have no doubt that she is an alcoholic until told otherwise. So a few weeks after the breakup, I had nothing to loose, so I had an intervention for her. I love her and I wanted to do whatever I could to help her. She was diagnosed with alcholism. At the time she reluctantly agreed to get treatment. A couple of days after the intervention I was to go out of town for 3 weeks. She told me, "I want to talk to you in person when you get back and I mean it." She told me this several times and seemed to be getting closer to me. However she would also say that she does not see herself being comfortable around me or my family because we "know" about the problem. So I went on my trip and we did not talk while I was gone. When I got home, I left her a message letting her know that I was back in town. I did not get a response. I also discovered that she is seeing somebody else. Honestly I have no idea what to do as I'm not sure that NC is the right thing. I have no idea if she is in treatment. If she is not, then I can see how she would be pushed away to somebody else who does not know about what is going on. The fact that she wanted to have a talk with me in person and then it never happened was really painful. I was the closest person in her life and understood her more than anybody else, but I cannot show this with NC. However she is not contacting me either.

I am curious as to how the "rebound" relationships that you often hear about work and how they affect either the dumper or the dumpee. Personally I feel that if I had a relationship close in time to being dumped, that it would cloud things and prevent me from doing the healing that is necessary to move forward. Initially I thought that it might "cure" me, but now I think that it would actually make things work. I don't have this opportunity anyway, I'm just curious. As for the dumper, I believe it would also mask their feelings or delay things. Perhaps it would delay things for long enough that the dumper doesn't have to go through pain? I believe that the dumper has gone through pain before the breakup already, so perhaps they are ready for a new relationship shortly after the breakup. It seems common for the dumper to go from one person to the next (as in my case). Opinions? What experiences have people had with "rebound" relationships? Did they work out? Were you happy during it?

Driving you is not what an ex is for. It is what a friend or family member is for. Sorry to sound harsh, but it is unlikely that she is either (unless you live in Alabama... hehe just kidding). She probably has a new boyfriend. For some reason the ex feels that they are doing you a favor by not telling you about a new bf. In fact they are just trying to hold onto you because they know that you are more likely to move on if you know about it (which is true). Just my opinion of course

Why do you think that her rebound would fail? Maybe it has been something a long time in the making? She started going out with me shortly after leaving somebody else (although they were not extremely close) and we lasted 5 years. I know little about rebounds. I do know that it is too early for me to start seeing somebody seriously because *I* know that it would fail for me. I know that one does not forget or get over a 5 year relationship that was close to marriage in a matter of weeks or months.

My ex broke up with me in June/July. We had been together for 5 years and living together at the time. She said that she wasn't in love with me anymore. We were did NC for about 2 weeks and then started to have some contact. I was about to leave on a business trip lasting 3 weeks. The day before I left, she said that she wanted to talk to me in person and that she "meant it." She asked me to call her when I got home. So I called her when I got home. No answer. No reply to my message saying that I was back. Then I find out that she is seeing somebody else. I guess I am back into NC and moving on to better things. I can't see that there is anything else that I can do. If she wants to see somebody else and can't even return a phone call with a "thanks for the message" then I don't know what I am wasting my time on. Does this sound reasonable?

BTW I mention three weeks because I am going out of town for that long.

My ex and I were together about 5 years. She broke up with me recently for various reasons. One factor is that a lot of bad things have happened recently including family deaths and a medical condition which is now under treatment. I think that we went ahead with our breakup in a poor way. No real discussions (emotions always took over), didn't take any space, did not talk to any professionals. All of these should have been tried (in my opinion) for a couple that was together for so long and planned on getting married. I believe that she may also be to the point in which she agrees with me, in that we should have done things better. We are going to talk about it in a couple of days. So my question is, what is the best way to take space and distance so that we can clear our minds and make a good decision? What should we do during this time? Write things down to discuss later? Should we talk to each other about non-relationship stuff? Should we agree to talk at a specific future date? Should we make rules, like saying that we won't go around sleeping with other people? Or should we just say, "Lets spend the next 3 weeks apart and get together after that to see where we are." No rules, no implications. If one of the people starts to sleep around, that pretty much already makes up the decision. Right now we aren't at each others throats and we can talk without losing our emotions, so I'm not convinced that NC is the right thing to do. Three weeks would be hard to do without any form of communication.

Quick summary: -Went out with a girl for many years. We planned on getting married. -She left me after "trying to work" on things for a few months -I applied NC. She did not respond well to it, accused me of ignoring her, etc. Now she is trying to contact my friends and hang out with them. These are people who have taken me in. given me keys to their house. Given me everything to help me through these. She has gone out with them a few times to have fun, but otherwise only knows them through me. I see this as manipulation. She can't stand the fact that I am moving on, and wants to hold onto things by spending time with my closest friends. Any strategies for how to combat this? I do not want her to remain in contact with me. My friends can be with whoever they like, it is their choice. I'm just looking for advice. I have talked to them about how I feel.

CherryGrl, Excellent response. Thank you. She has not said that she wants me back. In fact, I figure that she doesn't right now. You are right that she is curious about how I am feeling and missing some of my friends. Of course she should have thought about this up front. I am doing okay with the NC. I still love her and we were together for 5 years. I ran after her for about two months. I am tired of running. If she wanted me, then she would have to chase after me instead. It is fairly obvious from some of her earlier notes that she wanted me to chase her like I did during the initial breakup. I did a 180 degree turn and have started in the opposite direction, especially with the help of NC.

She initiated the breakup. The friends that she is referring to are a recent group. However, I am much closer to them than she is. I have spent the last two months or so with them. They are fantastic. She has gone out only a few times with them. I am affraid that she wants me back in her life, but only for the selective parts that she wishes (like talking to me, having my support, etc) but not the remaining part... ie commitment, monogammy, etc. I am not interested in becoming "just friends." I am not sure how to go from where I am now to finding out if she actually wants *me* back. Perhaps I just need to tell her that the things she is experiencing is a consequence of breaking up with somebody. If she really wanted me back, she would have to try. I don't know if I would even take her by then. If she wanted to know how I felt, I would tell her the truth. I am feeling great. I am positive. I am making new friends every day.

I have been in NC with my ex for about 10 days now. She recently opened up a little and explained that it is hard for her because: -She doesn't know how I feel or what I am feeling -She feels weird for not talking to me anymore (we used to talk every day) -It is hard for her to stay away from my friends because I am always with them. I am not sure what she expected. These are all consequences of a breakup that she initiated. I am also not sure how to respond yet.