JohnnyTable

I think you are exactly right. She is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

Since most of us are here to get help and are not here to manipulate people, then I'm hoping that the damage should be minimal... but that may be wishful thinking!

Seems like that could cause some problems if they were reading about you!

shocked&dismayed, Thank you for the nice advice. It is interesting, in some ways I feel that I am better off than she is. Meaning that I know what I lost, I can't do anything about it, so I am highly motivated to move on. On the other hand, she doesn't know what she has lost yet. If she figures it out, then she could regret it since it was 100% her decision. During the breakup there were subtle signs of a connection... like she asked her landlord if one (meaning me) could move into her place without having to pay extra. This was obvious thinking about the road ahead. She also said that "we can't be friends for awhile" whatever that means. To throw in another wrench, her Mom died in February of cancer and she has not dealt with it (she admits this). She is also approaching 34 (I am almost 27) and wanted to have children... which I can see given her age. It is like she made her decision to breakup and went with it because it was "made." Heavy drinking followed, likely to numb the pain of what was happening. If this continues... it is a dark long road for her.

I am thinking it is best to wait and contact her until after she has lived in her new place for a month or so. She really needs to clear her mind and I need to have my individuality back. Not to mention that her new place is near where she used to live and that is when our relationship was really really good. I am starting to accept that she is not part of my life anymore and it has only been a week. This is good and bad... the bad being that it means she is likely to be feeling the same way. No matter what I e-mail her now, it could be interpreted incorrectly (this has happened a *lot* lately!). For example if I was nice, she would accuse me of ignoring that things were going wrong and that things were back to normal.

I forgot to include on of the most important things! I was never able to convince her to not move out (this is what started it all). So in the back of my mind, perhaps she was just "working on things" just to make the time between when we started to break up and when she was moving out that much easier on her.

Okay, a 5 year relationship has recently ended. I could give details on the relationship itself, but is it really important? Needless to say we had a good one and planned on getting married. During the breakup period (about 1.5 months) she said the things to me that is so common on this forum: -I need my space -I love you, but I'm not *in love* with you -I don't want to lead you on -You are my best friend -I want to try and salvage the relationship -I do not know what I want -I want out of the relationship -I do not want to be with you. I am miserable with you. -I do not want you -This could be the biggest mistake of my life -I am sure that this is what I want -I do not want you to push me away -I do not feel right around you with my friends -I have mental problems right now -I do not know why I feel this way And she did things that are so common -Distanced herself from me and my family -Started doing things with friends and not inviting me (like in July 4th parties) -Began drinking heavily and often -Felt uncomfortable being physical around me. Cut me off sexually and made excuses for it, but dangled the carrot (ie "maybe tomorrow") So as you can see, there is some serious flip flopping going on. For about 6 weeks I went through the mistake of trying to work things out with her. Making changes to my life, making deals, whatever to try and keep her with me. This worked in the past. But this time it just: -Made her feel guilty -Made me look pathetic or not authentic -Pushed her away and we both knew it But one day the last nail was in the coffin (I was sick of being treated poorly or mislead) so I moved my stuff out of the place while she was away. This signaled the end. We met again to end things face-to-face, divide up our stuff, and I left. She did not really even say goodbye although I let her make the decision that it was truly over. I told her that I was going to move on with my life, which I am. A few days before she wanted to work things out still (at least that is what she said) but of course that changed the next day when the breakup happened. So the day after our last in-person contact I get an e-mail containing: "I should have given you a hug so here it is in e-mail" "I'm not 100% sure how you feel about things" "you won't get any more personal e-mail from me" "take care okay" This offended me enough to not reply since we were together for 5 years and I deserve more than an e-mail goodbye. At least call on the phone. I am done dealing with the BS. BTW Just before things ended, she was asking questions about what I had been doing and what I was going to do. I told her the truth. There has been NC since (about a week). I honestly have no idea about how she feels right now. Personally I have been doing really well. Staying very busy and even have a date this week with somebody who showed up recently in my life (nice surprise as I was not looking for it to happen). It is my understanding that: -She needs the NC to figure out her feelings. Having me there just makes things worse. -I need the NC to heal myself. Either for a new relationship or if she wants to get back. By then I might not even want her back. You never know. The problem I am facing is that we are on "confused" terms. She does not know why I am doing NC. Likely she thinks it is so that I won't be hurt, or because I am angry, or whatever. It is unlikely that she thinks it is because I love both of us and know that we both need it. It is definitely the right thing to do, but could it backfire since I did not tell her why I am doing it? Or does it matter and should I even care? If she loves me then she will realize it? I made it pretty clear that I wanted her. I am worried about her drinking as it clouds ones judgement. She is staying at "our" place until the end of the month when she moves out, so I'm sure she is reminded of me/us (if she actually sleeps there) on a consistent basis. I am staying with friends and family. Anway, still confused but getting better day by day!