alyira

Eeeee! Major props to your boy for really thinking every lil detail through! Congrats on an amazing proposal and for having an amazing boy! (Bet you still got the "newly engaged" perma-grin on the go )

itsallgrand, thanks, that's exactly what I was trying to convey!! Agree, and amen to your whole post, especially on the points that it can be a bonding experience and that mix n' matching can and does occur.

Nah, I don't think that shows whether you do or don't lack feelings. Like I said, me and my boy love this kind of sex occasionally, and we're definitely a very loving, affectionate, supportive couple. We actually both had to be very comfortable and trusting with each other before we could be relaxed enough to express ourselves that way. As with everything in a relationship, I think it has a lot to do with communication. If my boyfriend, who is a gentle person by nature, ever thinks he goes too far, he stops and asks if anything is bothering me. A lot of times, afterwards, when we're snuggling, he reminds me he didn't mean any of those things and he loves me. I like variety. I'd get bored if it was always slow love making, even though that is my favorite way to have sex. But I wouldn't always want it to be rough and dirty either.

Tea tree oil seems to do it for me. Just one lil dab before I go to bed. You can pick it up in any decent pharmacy.

Beautiful. Absolutely inspiringly beautiful. Thanks for sharing that *diamond*; I wish I had read something like that when I was going through an emotionally abusive relationship. Take heed, ladies who are still having a hard time in this kind of spot, it is tough to get out of, but you can do it bit by bit, especially when you read something like this. Re-learn to love, respect, and inspire yourself and someone worthy will love you how you truly need and deserved to be loved.

butterflies, I'd say f---ing is when it's hot and raunchy, the kind of sex where you don't care if you make it to the bed much less the bedroom, aka both partners hormones are through the roof. Sex is run of the mill vanilla everyday fooling around, nothing out of the ordinary, but of course satisfying nonetheless. Making love is usually when it's romantic, generally slow, whispering sweet nothings, and overall being mushtastic. Those would be my definitions; everyone generally has their own individual ones though. And Amore, it's sweet that your bf refers to it as making love when he talks to you about sex. Its understandable he uses a little more slang when talking to the guys, but it's respectful and gentlemanly of him to be more proper around you. Good show of character.

Hm, I honestly don't mind it. Me and my boy both are really, really into talking dirty when things are hot n' heavy, but we both also know when not to use it. We're also both huge fans of mushy "I love" romantic love-making, so it balances out really. I like both! EDIT: LostInMyThoughts, TOTALLY agree, couldn't have put it better.

I never did update this, sorry to resurrect it from the dead. We did resolve this issue after a wonderful talk, and he cut off contact with her. She didn't take it very well (he showed me a very angry email she sent the day he told her he was cutting off contact). I feel relieved, and am glad we resolved something thats often not easy and a touchy issue for couples. She has also been seeing someone since a bit before my bf cut off contact with her, so I'm happy that she's moving on. Hopefully now she can heal up, and this was a good practice for communicating on difficult issues. And once again, whenever me and him go through and resolve something together, we end up being even more lovey and appreciative of each other, so good for all involved in the end

Thanks for pointing out the common-law relationship protection tidbit RayKay! I think I will look into the specifics of that. Like I said in my second post in this thread, we both have lived on our own..me for two years, up until recently, and him for about 7. Without a doubt, we are on the same page when it comes to moving in together (communication is our strong point; we've both been in relationships with chronic liars/cheaters, so we've made it a point from the first to be straight out honest and open with each other.) And marriage is to occur when we've both finished our degrees, which should take another 3 years. So we have thought this through fairly well in an adult like manner (even though my boyfriend gets giddy as a school girl when he counts down the days till we get to live together Oh hell, I do too, who am I kidding?) I've also had relationships before where an ex bf of 3 years wanted to live together, and I knew the moment he brought it up that it wouldn't work and it wasn't right. This time around, it feels right and natural. Thanks for the excellent, practical advice!! And I am glad that it worked out for you and your partner so well! Also, student loans are the devil. Well...at least in the Maritimes.

I agree with what Scout said. NC is an AMAZING tool for healing yourself.. however... I NC'ed an ex, the 'love of my life' who I'd been with for 3 years at the time in order to finally clear my head and heart of him, because he was a chronic cheater, liar, and manipulator. He even wrote me this dramatic "It was never meant to be, farewell forevvvvvvver *cue cheesy music, seriously* email once I stopped talking to him. 7 months later, he was begging me via email to talk to him, to let him hear my voice over the phone. I did talk to him briefly, maybe 2 days, but I liked the strength that came with having nothing to do with him and having regained pride and love for myself. And within those two days, I could tell he hadn't changed any, so back to NC for him. He emailed me 4 months again later, about a year after we had broken up, saying that he didn't expect us to get back together, but if it was his way, he'd have us together again, and that his mom and dad, whom had never liked me that much, were telling him he had already lost the best girl for him. He kept emailing me, even tried to talk to me the first time I ran into him after over a year and half of not seeing him, and I just breezed on by and barely acknowledged him, while he tried to call me over to talk to him and his pregnant (on again off again) girlfriend. Yeaaaaa, I passed. Does he still email me? I dont even know. I blocked his email quite awhile ago, as they stopped ceasing to amuse me with their sad "take me back" messages. I know him way too well to fall for that. That to me, my friends, is the power of NC. Not the fact that it made him come back to me, as its often touted to do. But the fact that I, who was so thoroughly dependent, loyal and in love with this guy that I let him make me believe his cheating on me was my fault and wouldn't happen if I was better to him, could easily delete his emails with a laugh and a little tinge of admittedly cocky pride. I've since found that I quite enjoy this odd growing thing called self-love and confidence.

No probs Ta_ree_saw. If the story helped give you a little more motivation to talk to your sister if the need comes up, then I'm glad. I figure you can't change the past, but you sure as heck can use the knowledge you gained from it to help yourself and others in the present. I understand that it would be and has been a difficult subject to broach with your sister, but you will find the strength and words to do it if the need arises. It's the best for all involved. Take care!

This hit a little close to home. When I was 6, a 14 year old boy that had been hanging around my house for a few weeks to help out with yardwork and such started making innuendo casually for a few days, but I didnt think anything of it, and of course had no idea what most it meant. He started by asking me to show him certain parts, and really, at that age (was right before I started elementary school), I didn't see what the big deal was about nudity, so I showed. Then one day, he lured me a ways out into the woods by my house, and sexually assaulted me. My parents never knew until I was 17. The guy ended up being quite the delinquent as he got older. I'm not saying this is your nephew at all; this was a worst case scenario. As has been said above, it's probably befuddled hormones, and maybe he figures your daughter is the easiest way to satisfy his curiosity because they've played together and know each other already. I'd keep up the constant supervision of the two of them when they play together, because God knows I wished my parents had never let me out of their sight, and it's always better safe than sorry. If he keeps exhibiting this sort of behaviour, then I can only hope you can gently and diplomatically bring it up to your sister again, so that he can get help before he starts doing worse things.

Thanks everyone for the replies so far Me and my boy decided to move in together come the end of summer, so I've been curious as to what general reactions would be. We have both lived on our own (me, past two years, him, past 7 years as he's been out on his own since he went to boarding school at 16) though neither of us have moved in or wanted to move in with a S.O., we both have been in the token "several-year-long-very-painful-and-horrible-but-many-life-lessons-are-learned" relationships, as well as several other relationships, so we both feel like we know what we want and have 'had our fun' so to speak. I guess the weird thing is that everything has always been so natural between us, from the transition from friends, to courting, to being 'officially together', and this is no different. The weird part is that...well...it DOESN'T weird me out all to talk and plan with him on moving in. When my exboyfriend of three years brought it up back in the day, it freaked me out to no end and made me horribly anxious (he was a chronic cheater anyway, so good thing!) We communicate really well, and I know he's on the same page when it comes to wanting to live together, because heck, he gets all excited whenever we talk about it and brings it up as much as if not a bit more than me. Mind you, we don't obsess over it...we both have our own friends and other things on the go. I guess I just wanted to see what everyone else thought about the moving in together issue as it's a bit controversial, and I've got to say, it seems like we fit most of the criteria that people have pointed out. So yay! We will see how it goes

For anyone who was wondering about my oh so important life Alright, I confessed what I did, completely came clean about the whole thing, and apologized for carrying over old wounds from another relationship into this one. He didnt get mad like the sweetie he is, just said "Oh Britt" a few times while I was telling him. He told me to go delete his Plentyoffish account, and that he basically used it like I would use MySpace like I theorized earlier. He also said he understood that I'm still worried about being cheated on and working on being trusting, and that if I did snoop, to just call him and be like "I had a bad day and checked your email" and to not be scared to admit it, because honesty is the crucial part in his eyes. I feel sooooooo much better! Thanks you guys! Its kinda ironic, this whole situation just made me even more proud of him and love him even more because it reminded me of how gentle and understanding he is. It's amazing to have someone love you because of and despite your flaws. Thanks again! EDIT: Also, I mentioned elsewhere that we are moving in together at the end of summer, hence it is so important to me that I cancel my subscription to my issues, so to speak. When I do move, I think I will seek out therapy/counselling for some things that have happened that I never dealt with properly, especially the reasons behind having a trust issue. The main reason I haven't so far is because I live in a fairly isolated area atm, and my parents are sort of anti-therapy. But to keep something this special, and really, for my own good, I have decided to take the plunge.

Just out of curiosity. What sort of dating/commitment time requirement do you feel is necessary to shack up with someone? Not necessarily buy a house together, I'm moreso referring to just an apartment, or is it more of an individual 'go by what the relationship is like' deal? My parents believe strongly in not living together before marriage, which has its valid points, or at least waiting years and years to live together, and I just wanted to get some diff views.

My boyfriend is half Filipino and Catholic, whereas I am white with a sprinkle of Native American somewhere in the family tree and Protestant. Odd thing in Filipino culture...you are automatically considered much more attractive if you are at least part white there, and it's highly encouraged to date white people. My boyfriend only spent a bit of his elementary school years there, so that didn't really rub off on him, and honestly, racial and religious differences have never come into play with us. We were actually dating for quite awhile before I suddenly realized out of the blue, "Huh, we're an interracial interfaith couple. Oh. Cool." and then continued on with my day. I come from one of those infamous sea-side small villages that are known for narrow minds, and when I recently took him for a walk through town, we indeed got a few looks. But whatever, that could very well be because he was a mysteeeeeerious outsider too. Luckily, that sort of thing has no factor in my familys views or opinions, though it does in some of my friends. I've long since rid myself of one friend who made it known she disapproved of me dating a Native American boy a few years ago. Come to think of it, me, my cousin, and two of my aunts are all in interracial interfaith relationships. I guess when it comes right down to it, race never has mattered for me, but bigotry sure as hell does.

Thanks notsogreen for pointing me here. I'm going to copy my post from my original thread ( ). Alrighty...ironically enough I just posted on another board here earlier about something unrelated but related in a way. I thought everything was going perfect with my guy... See, we met online, which is cool and all, so I knew he went to dating sites. But I have this horrible trust issue I am struggling to deal with. I was with a boy for 3 years who consistently cheated on me every chance he got, and was good at swearing his love to me up and down to soothe my suspicions. Long story short, I got cheated on with 6-7 diff women somewhere around 9 times that I'm aware of. Yay. The next boy I dated was a player. Oops. So yea, I thought I had finally settled into a good relationship, and still feel like I have, but... I have SUCH a problem with reading his email. When we first got together, he gave me his email password as a sign of trust.. and I never * * * *ed around with it at all, put it out of sight and out of mind, until an incident happened in which I emailed him something and wasnt sure if it was going through because my net connection was wonky. So I figured, what the hell, I'll check and see if its there. And there was this flirty email from his ex that revealed they hang out and call each other. And I freaked. He was forthcoming about them hanging out, said it was never alone, etc, though I was still upset about HIM calling her. But, he's been honest to me from the start...so, the ex grates on my nerves, but so far shes stayed. Since then, I have this huge issue. I can't stop checking his email It's embarrassing, and I know it's wrong. I did really great, a few weeks without looking at all and felt proud of myself that I hadn't peeked. Then, I caved awhile ago for no reason in particular, but didn't check his regular email. Like me, he has an email he uses for junk stuff to be sent to, and for some reason I checked that. He's signed up to several dating sites since before we got together, but it doesnt look like he reads those emails, so whatever. Till I noticed he WAS reading email from his Plentyoffish account, as recently as the 22nd. Yea, it gets worse. I checked his Plentyoffish account. I know, I know I'm horrible, but o nce you get started, it's so hard to stop yourself! I hope someone else knows what I'm talking about, especially when theres a history of being cheated on. Anyway, I found out he says he's still single on that site, though he's listed himself as only wanting to "Hang out". I read his messages and there was a chick he knew on there from school, and he asked her to add him on MSN and said they should hang out some time. Not in a flirty manner or anything, just like that. I'm in the wrong, I KNOW I'm in the wrong. I check his mail sometimes to reassure myself of his loyalty, which has been good so far, but then I find something like this to upset myself with. I have no right to check his mail , and no right to be upset, and no right to snoop... I'm trying so hard to trust dammit! But little things like that make me wonder, that and he wont NC his ex. I dont know, I feel like a horrible gf right now, and know I'll feel so ashamed when he calls me later. I guess I just wanted to vent.

First off, thank you SO much, just_browsing, that actually brought a tear to my eye. I really feel ashamed, and that post made me feel a lot better... He knows I've been through a lot, but I try not to bring up exactly what I've been through a lot, because its already unfair of me enough to have trust issues, so I dont want to go around whining about what happened before. The PoF thing is nagging me a bit, but he didn't write anything flirty, it all seemed like innocent "Hey I know you add me to your msn wanna hang out" type stuff...still, the fact that he still finds and emails people on there and lists himself as single unnerves me, as I unsubscribed from my dating sites when we got together. I think I will give myself a while to breath and try to put the most positive spin on it as possible. Maybe some day I will find a way to diplomatically ask if he still goes on dating sites, and if he does, maybe he wouldn't mind stopping, and like said above, stick to MySpace or something not revolving around dating, that way he can still look up friends and such. Thanks so much again!

Yes, we are exclusive. I know its not fair to subject him to my trust issues, and he knows I've done it before and refuses to change his password, because, well, its his password for everything. I'm aware that it's ironic that I am the one who's harder to trust, hence the shame. Blender, thanks for the advice. I am going to ignore his Plentyoffish correspondence, he is with me, take a step back, breath, and go back to doing it day by day. I don't think dating sites are appropriate when you are exclusive, but I'm going to assume he has innocent intentions and checked out of curiosity or something, since he is pretty outgoing.

Alrighty...ironically enough I just posted on another board here earlier about something unrelated but related in a way. I thought everything was going perfect with my guy... See, we met online, which is cool and all, so I knew he went to dating sites. But I have this horrible trust issue I am struggling to deal with. I was with a boy for 3 years who consistently cheated on me every chance he got, and was good at swearing his love to me up and down to soothe my suspicions. Long story short, I got cheated on with 6-7 diff women somewhere around 9 times that I'm aware of. Yay. The next boy I dated was a player. Oops. So yea, I thought I had finally settled into a good relationship, and still feel like I have, but... I have SUCH a problem with reading his email. When we first got together, he gave me his email password as a sign of trust.. and I never messed around with it at all, put it out of sight and out of mind, until an incident happened in which I emailed him something and wasnt sure if it was going through because my net connection was wonky. So I figured, what the hell, I'll check and see if its there. And there was this flirty email from his ex that revealed they hang out and call each other. And I freaked. He was forthcoming about them hanging out, said it was never alone, etc, though I was still upset about HIM calling her. But, he's been honest to me from the start...so, the ex grates on my nerves, but so far shes stayed. Since then, I have this huge issue. I can't stop checking his email It's embarrassing, and I know it's wrong. I did really great, a few weeks without looking at all and felt proud of myself that I hadn't peeked. Then, I caved awhile ago for no reason in particular, but didn't check his regular email. Like me, he has an email he uses for junk stuff to be sent to, and for some reason I checked that. He's signed up to several dating sites since before we got together, but it doesnt look like he reads those emails, so whatever. Till I noticed he WAS reading email from his Plentyoffish account, as recently as the 22nd. Yea, it gets worse. I checked his Plentyoffish account. I know, I know I'm horrible, but o nce you get started, it's so hard to stop yourself! I hope someone else knows what I'm talking about, especially when theres a history of being cheated on. Anyway, I found out he says he's still single on that site, though he's listed himself as only wanting to "Hang out". I read his messages and there was a chick he knew on there from school, and he asked her to add him on MSN and said they should hang out some time. Not in a flirty manner or anything, just like that. I'm in the wrong, I KNOW I'm in the wrong. I check his mail sometimes to reassure myself of his loyalty, which has been good so far, but then I find something like this to upset myself with. I have no right to check his mail , and no right to be upset, and no right to snoop... I'm trying so hard to trust dammit! But little things like that make me wonder, that and he wont NC his ex. I dont know, I feel like a horrible gf right now, and know I'll feel so ashamed when he calls me later. I guess I just wanted to vent.

Thanks so much! You actually put into words a lot of what I want to say. I will bring it up to him sometime soon and with any luck he will understand. I don't think I'd contact her by MSN, because I don't think she'd be the friendliest towards me...apparently she is famous for giving death glares to girls that even looked at him when they were together, heh. So hopefully I can talk him into dealing with her. I will let you know how THAT goes.

Initially, yes, when I realized they still hung out (he lives an hour and a half away from me atm, hence I'm moving up there), I freaked. After reassurance and a lot of talking, it has been downgraded to an annoying uncomfortable situation for me. And I agree, I think it it will just be painful for everyone involved. She will never get over him if she keeps contacting him (been there and done that..NC is HARD to do, but makes things so easy on you later). I am going to keep feeling a bit squeemish as long as shes in the picture, and he's going to be stuck in the middle. It bothers me that he has said "Alright, its done, I have nothing more to do with her", and then admitted he still lets her call him. The issue is, how to get him to see that? In his view, cutting off contact is unfair because shes done nothing to deserve that, and some of his friends hang with her brother who he gets along with well, blah blah blah. And I'm not saying she has done anything horribly bad. It's just plain EASIER that way. It's a touchy issue with him now because I brought it up a lot when I found out the laundry and calling thing was happening...how would I calmly explain "Honey, cutting off contact with your ex will make everyones lives easier" without seeming like a control freak? I agree she needs support, though I have yet to meet her face to face (I avoided her when she showed up at the dorm..I understood why she showed up, but didnt necessarily feel the need to meet her). I don't think shes much of a net user though, aside from MSN. I feel bad she has isolated herself like my bf has told me...however...she needs to find someone else to lean on besides him. I know things will get better! I just hate these little dips in the ol' love rollercoaster that we all have to go through.

Heh, from the looks of it, I'm not the only one around here with this problem. I feel a lil less embarrassed now. I've been dating this wonderful, amazing boy for 3 months. He is affectionate, loves to communicate, attentive, honest, committed, basically all the good stuff I have been looking for. We met online when he was already in a relationship. I know some of you will frown at this, but, in his defense, he told me right from the start, so I was in no way deceived. But still, it was cool, we had a lot in common and it was fun talking; no awkward moments, the flow of conversation was always relaxed and natural. We both had had our big bad long term crappy relationships that we had learned and grown from, both were huge closet case geeks, both loved healthy lifestyles, had eerily similar views on religion and politics, actually we both even have the same university major (he went to a diff uni 45 mins away from mine). After about two weeks of talking (one week consisted of March break), we both realized that we were spending literally ALL day talking online to one another, and we were both always anxiously looking forward to when the other would sign online. Well crap. He was the first to acknowledge it, and I agreed that I felt the same as well. However, we were both respectful to him being in a relationship (a good sign was that he didn't bad talk his ex ever) and dropped it there. Eventually we did get on the topic of his relationship with this girl, lets call her A, and he said he wasn't sure what to do with it. He said they made awesome friends, but they didn't work together in a relationship. The main reason they were together at the moment was because he had broken up with her in November and she had become very depressed, solitary, upset and withdrawn (she doesnt make friends easy and is a loner), he hated to see her like that and took her back. At this point he stopped believing in those "perfect relationships" where couples always just seem so happy and in love, so he decided a relationship with A was as good as any. I listened sympathetically and was still impressed by his integrity. A lot of guys in blah relationships will * * * * * nonstop about their gf's to garner sympathy and to lure you in, but he always spoke of her respectfully and compassionately, though not lovingly. So we continued on talking for awhile, about every day stuff, games, politics, etc, and falling for each other worse while trying to ignore it. Eventually, when A called him one night, he broke up with her after a lot of thinking about it, which surprised me because he had never spoken of him thinking of breaking up with her. From that point, as to be expected, things kept growing between us..we started talking on the phone, in fact he spent most of his money on phone cards to call me, he talked to me on webcam constantly, and even his friends said he babbled about me nonstop. We let it develop pretty naturally, from friendship to courting. Then we met face to face, and things really blossomed. We were officially together shortly after, and have been one big mushtastic love story ever since. However....*dum dum dum* his ex. Won't. Go. Away. I KNOW he is committed to me, plans around me, loves me. He actually had an apt down in my city and was going to move here in May until he found out the uni here wouldnt transfer his credits. So he is willing to sacrifice a lot for what we have. After a lot of thinking, we decided I'd move up there come end of summer. A little fast? Perhaps, but we both see it as being mutually beneficial for both of us. But still, there is this ex. She emails him asking him to go out to movies with her, she IM's him constantly when he's at my house asking if he's having fun and when he'll be back. He replies sometimes, sometimes not. She calls him. A month ago, I found out he was doing his laundry at her house and calling her occasionally, and will admit I was MAAAAAD. And hurt. He apologized when he realized how much it hurt me, but didnt understand why as he says he sees her as a friend. He feels bad for dumping her because she has no friends and no one to talk to and hang out with. He didnt believe me that it was obvious she still wanted him until she called him and he let her know he'd be moving to my city within a few days (when he had still planned on it), and she freaked out at him, yelling and saying she hoped he enjoyed throwing his life away. He said he'd break contact with her after that, and didn't. He says she didn't do anything wrong to garner being erased from his life. I've been the ex gf in this exact same situation, and I know it sucks. For the first month, I was sympathetic and understanding and understood her neediness and even her showing up at his dorm when she knew I was visiting, but as time goes on and me and him make plans together, it grates on my nerves. I will NOT tolerate her calling our place when we move in together, no more than I would allow my ex's to call there either. And I know her constant IM'ing will annoy me. I am probably the one horribly at fault here, I know, because my bf wouldn't betray me and this poor girl is obviously lonely and pining for him, but still..the whole thing just frustrates me. How does everyone else cope with ex's who won't go away?

He started seeing the girl he was going away to Warped Tour with about a week ago, and after I NC'ed him for about two days he ended up emailing me and asking me to talk to him again, and so I did. Since then, we've ended up spending every night on the phone for hours talking about all this stuff thats going on his life that I had no idea about. (A lot of family and personal problems of his that he didn't share before). He says he still loves me and I'm the only one who understands him, and last night he even BEGGED (and I mean for like 15 minutes) to let him walk down to my house at 2AM so he could see me. Mind you it would have been a two hour walk in the fog and dark, and he would have gotten crap from his parents for frolicking about in the night, and my parents(who I still have to live with for another month) probably wouldnt have been pleased to wake up in the morning and find him there without prior notice. I said no for all the above reasons, though I wanted to see him horribly of course, and he almost cried because he was so frustrated he couldnt see me right then. However, he's still seeing rebound girl, and she knows nothing about us still talking. I've told him that I want him to make up his mind between me and rebound chick, and that there will be no intimacy till he does such. He said he just needs a few hours by himself to sit down and clear his head. This girl is rebounding off him as well, and he's aware of it, but they were friends for awhile before all this, and his whole group of friends will more than likely outcast him when he dumps her, because they're all her friends. So should I be mad that he won't up and immediately ditch rebound chick? Any more views on the whole situation would be appreciated. Also apparently he's no longer going to Warped Tour with her.. Thanks for any advice! Britt

Hm...apparently tomorrow he needs to talk to me about how he has a new relationship. (Found out through mutual friend). The rebound chick; this is an interesting twist.