Double J

I've come accross two girls now that have been in serious long distance relationships prior to meeting them. The first one flirted with me big time in college while her b/f was away by following me around, laughing with me, touching me, etc, but still claimed to be loyal to her boyfriend. The one I've met more recently through a friend is also in a long distance relationship, where her b/f is doing something in Asia for a year, but from the way she easily gives guys phone numbers and stuff online, it seems like she doesn't want to sit around and do nothing for too long. She's told me she wants to go out to different places with me and everything already, and even says they're not really together until he comes back. On the other hand, I have met guys who are in long distance relationships and aren't like that with girls around them. What is going on here? It seems to me that the two girls I've described to you are definite attention cravers - they need to have guys in their orbit show interest in them to assure themselves that they can still attract other guys or something, in spite of the fact that they may or may not be interested. I know it depends on the person, but in most cases I've seen, a loyal guy will try not to flirt with any girl to the extent of telling them to go out together, etc. What are your thoughts guys?

First thing's first. The guy is leaving to another city, but for how long? Is it a temporary thing or is he moving? That's very important because if it's only for a few weeks or months, I'm sure she doesn't plan on breaking up with him. If it is long-term, then you're just gonna have to wait man, until she she decides that she's tired of waiting or feels it'd be better to see other people. But it's really up to her if and when to make this decision. It'd probably be a good idea to ask her, very casually, what she makes out of him leaving, and what she thinks will happen after that. If she cares about him a lot and wants to make it work, you gotta respect that. But if she gives you an inconclusive answer like "I'm not sure" then continue getting to know her better and maybe gradually, things will come together for you. Good Luck

Sometimes it's hard (or nearly impossible for that matter) for someone to regain the same feelings they once had for someone else once they've been cheated on. Not only is the person hurt, but he or she has a hard time trusting the other. If this girl doesn't love you anymore, just move on. I understand that, because of the distance problem, you felt tempted to get with someone else for a while, but do understand that you still blew it with your girlfriend. Many of the things we do have their repercussions that we must learn to accept - that's what life's all about. Good luck to you man.

Hey, this is the second topic I've started that you girls (goddess and juju) have commented on together. Thanks for the feedback. 8)

A few weeks ago, I posted in reference to a girl I met in my first semester in college. At first I didn't even find her that physically attractive, but as time progressed, I started liking her. Despite her rather ambiguous signals (mixed signals that seemed rather flirtatious - touching, smiling, looking for me on campus), she was already in a long distance relationship with her b/f and remains with him to this day. I got over, but I have a question. Over the course of the semester, she once told me that I "would make the perfect b/f" because I was a mix of many qualities and was good all around - humorous, sweet, sarcastic, etc. It was actually another friend that said it, and this girl firmly agreed. To the ladies (and fellas) on this site - What did she mean by that? Why is a girl with a boyfriend saying that.. and by the way, she never talked ONCE about her boyfriend to me. Was she maybe implying that if she was single, she'd be with me? Just interested in what you all have to say. Thanks.

Depends on how interested she really is in that other guy. Sometimes people become so interested in another particular person that they become fixed on him/her. You say you talk to her online, so I'm assuming you haven't met in person? Keep talking to her and if she keeps bringing up that guy, move on.

Yeah, keep exchanging pics and e-mails.

I didn't say that an outgoing and adventurous girl wouldn't be good as a girlfriend. It all depends on the guy and what suits him - different strokes for different folks. I honestly think the more outgoing a girl is, the more outgoing the guy she belongs with should be. Otherwise, there are going to be problems and disagreements. For example, if a guy wants to stay home on a Friday night with his girlfriend watching rented videos but she insists on going clubbing, you know there is going to be conflict. Obviously people can change over time too.

I think everything happens for a reason, and whatever is meant to be will happen regardless. No matter how many times you try to make it work out with one particular person, it still might fail, and eventually someone is going to give up. If you're meant to be with someone, I feel that when you meet that person, you'll just KNOW that the person is for you. You'll be like "I don't know why, but this person seems like the one for me," and hopefully it'll work out from there.

Someone earlier said that the reason guys are drawn to the nice and innocent ones is because they have a more motherly persona, which makes them appear more suitable to take care of the children. I would have to agree, and I also think that when most guys are presented with the opportunity to have a wonderfully sweet and caring girl, they'll know she'll be too good to pass up. So the innocent, reserved and caring girl is seen as the type of girl that would be better at maintaining a relationship, although some guys might want one just to take advantage.

I notice her demeanor (whether it be a calm and collected demeanor, very hyper, etc), intelligence, and her overall facial features. After the face, I focus a bit more on the body.

Not at all, Cassie. A lot of us guys wish to avoid meeting girls in the bar scene, because we normally associate that type of setting with overly flamboyant/extroverted girls. That's why some guys have resorted to other methods; most notably, online dating. I personally think that guys who like to boast about having "Fun" for most of their lives and then wanting to settle down with a virgin are hypocrites. The good guys deserve those girls. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with the more outgoing and adventurous girls. On the contrary - those are very fun to be with as friends.

I'm curious as to what type of girl really calls your attention, and which type you'd classify as a potential for a long-term relationship, whether it be the fun cheerleader or the quiet scholar type. Personally, I'm drawn to girls that are intelligent, no doubt. You know, the ones that are classy, witty, reserved, and definitely not one of those loose extrovert types. I like them to be down-to-earth and family-oriented, preferably. I guess you could say that I like the "librarian" good girl type, but that's just me. Nonetheless, I do enjoy having the more extroverted and playful ones as friends, because they're fun to be around. I want to read your opinions, guys.

Debbie, I've been in a similar situation with someone who had commitmentphobia. She was my ex, and I was on and off with her for quite some time. Obviously, the reason why it was "on and off" was because she was extremely unstable when it came to settling down in a relationship. Before me, she was never in a serious relationship either - she was with a few guys but it never went past a few dates, or, escapades. I think she liked the idea of a potential relationship on a mental level, but when it came down to the nity grity, she just wasn't willing to cooperate. She would tell me the sweetest things in the world, but like you, she just seemed to fear being in a relationship. I think it was a combination of things - her parents were strict, and she seemed to have a low self esteem. Despite being very attractive in my eyes, she was just not one for compliments. I might be wrong here, but maybe the reason you both are this way is because no one matches up to your fantasy. Maybe you're looking for a mr. perfect, and there is no such thing. Interesting that you only fall in love with unattainable men. My ex did seem to want me most when I showed I didn't care about her anymore, but once I showed her that I DID still care, it made her lose interest again. It's like a childish cat and mouse seasaw game. Debbie, I'm pretty sure that if my ex doesn't change, she's going to remain single for a very long time. You need to stop shunning good potential partners. Maybe you feel safe going after the unattainable ones because it's a more secure way of wanting a guy who won't insist on a relationship regardless. Hope this helps, and best of luck.

Sayer put it very nicely. I personally had an experience where, unfortunately, the "Deep and meaningful" online conversations did not remain intact when it became an offline relationship. It just so happens that when people talk to each other online before meeting offline, they tend to idealize and set certain expectations of the other person; in other words, they envision the other person as closest to fulfilling their criteria of what they look for in a partner as possible. This doesn't always (usually not) come to happen. If the two meet and one person (or both) winds up disappointed because the other didn't turn out as imagined, gradually the person will make himself or herself less available as a way of showing that he or she isn't interested. In other cases, the two decide to stay offline friends, which is the best case scenario.

Since you both haven't met in person yet, it's totally fine to be unsure of your feelings for him. I'm sure you value him as a person based on your conversations thus far, but you don't know this guy in person. Remember that talking to someone online is just not the same as talking to someone in person, face to face. Keep talking to him and as soon as possible you should arrange a meeting to see if there's chemistry, physical attraction, etc. There's no use putting it off too long, because you might become subject to false expectations and an online fantasy that doesn't bloom into what you envision.

Yes, everyone has their own insecurities. But the best thing a person can try to do in life is to be as happy with himself or herself as possible.. This just has a way of exuding confidence, and when others see that you feel so happy with yourself and with life in general, they want to join in. It's almost contagious. That's why girls dig confident guys so much, just as guys like confident girls too.

bzborow is right about the importance of actions as opposed to words. Uj, something I've learned about girls is that you should never (I repeat, never) give a girl the impression that you're trying to "buy" her affection through gifts, flowers, dinners, etc, which is how some girls interpret that kind of behavior. I know that's not what you're trying to do - You want her to view you as a nice and caring guy, and you want to demonstrate that to her through your actions. Well, your actions are clear - but what about hers? It's time for her to show what she really feels for you through actions and not mere words. Give her time to do this, and if she doesn't come around, just be content with a friendship or move on. Another thing: notice that when she was thanking you for the rose, she put thank you "BUD." This shows that she wants to keep it as friends for now. So from now on, don't send her gifts, at least until she proves she's deserving.

Kitten, I don't seem to follow your argument either. Outlaw seems like a very cool guy, and actually, we've become buds through this site. He does not have jealousy or insecurity issues - he just states what he feels and he has every right to do so. You shouldn't confuse these things. And besides, even if you do those things with your guy friends, why make such a hype about it? You're obviously the "extra friendly" type with different guys, and I wouldn't be surprised if your future b/f's have a watchful eye on you. If you'd do those things frequently in front of your boyfriend, then that's just downright disrespectful, period.

Seems like she's sending you mixed signals. What bothers me is her mentioning that she was seeing someone else. I can't judge her because I don't know her or anything, but the truth is that some girls (some, not all) sense that a guy has interest in them, and then they use that to have a little bit of harmless fun. Maybe some subtle flirting, touching, etc., and believe it or not, they may not consider it flirting but just being friendly. This girl seems to be a little flaky, and I've come accross those before. You should continue talking to her to see how things go, but I suggest that if she continues to act this way over time (after you see each other several more times), then you know she doesn't want anything serious. Sometimes it's hard for girls to spit it out until you confront them about it. Make sure you find out where she stands with this "other guy" too.. Best of luck to you.

I've met a couple of girls from the internet in person. The time it takes me to meet them varies. The fastest I've ever met one was five days after meeting online, and I suggest you do meet them as soon as possible to see whether or not the chemistry exists, etc. Then again, it took me over 3 and a half years to meet another girl, but it was because we met we were very young (13 and 15). My suggestion to you is to talk online and over the phone for about a week or week and a half, and once you both feel comfortable, ask her to meet somewhere for coffee or whatever. Maybe you've just been meeting the wrong ones man. Think about it. By meeting these girls from the internet, we're taking a gamble - we never know if there's chemistry until meeting them in person.

I totally agree with what lillady said. There is more to life than dealing with the trials and tribulations of dating and relationships (lol), but I guess I can relate, mtastic. I've met some girls in person from AOL and it hasn't gone all that good. Out of 7 or 8, there's only one I really really liked, and supposedly she liked me a lot too, but man was it hard for her to show it sometimes. She had the nicest words for me all the time, but if she wasn't willing to SHOW what she felt, then I knew she just didn't feel the same way about me as I did for her. Hang in there bud. There are so many girls out there - about 7 for each of us guys. Keep using link removed, i'm sure you'll find someone that will like and appreciate you more than that girl.

Do you normally feel as if she's "too good to be true?" Do you find yourself thinking about her a lot? Or do you picture yourself with another girl and often wonder if there could possibly be someone better out there? If it's the latter, then yes, I think you're just with her to have someone.

Let's just say that after discovering this the hard way, it helped me to become a much stronger individual, and of course, I don't show my emotions as much anymore. I was with a girl I cared deeply about for quite some time (it's already in the past), and she had an obvious inclination towards hiding her emotions. I don't know why, but I've come accross several girls that seem this way. I would be very expressive about my emotions with her, but she didn't seem to reciprocate that - sometimes I felt like she kept things bottled inside. This was a major reason why it never worked out with her. I like for girls to show their emotions, but I guess some are so insecure about getting hurt that they prefer to put up a rather cold and aloof front. I also learned that a guy being "emotional" leads him to come accross as being rather wimpy, insecure, or clingy. Guys, it's ok to say you miss her and you love her once in a while, but don't overdo it. Girls seem to get tired of it real fast, because remember, being "too nice" gets you nowhere.

I know life can be tough. But John, think of it this way - We only live once, so why not try to make the best of it. Easier said than done, I know, but try to take up a hobby. That's a good way to distract yourself and once you have a passion for something, it definitely makes life much more worth living.