Double J

Great input, Mahlina. Relationships are definitely complex and full of "if's and buts." Feelings change, people change. We could be with someone one minute, everything great, and a few days later they want to move on. You just never know what's going to happen in a relationship. Sometimes being convinced that a person is "the one" is not enough - we just WANT TO believe that because everything to that point has gone so smoothly. I think you can be compatible with several people in this world. If you're with someone and you have feelings of doubt about that person, maybe you should be weary of that. It's just hard to find one person you can be very compatible with on all levels. Many times you'll find someone who has a wonderful personality, but the looks don't appeal to you, or vice-versa. It'd be so much easier if you could custom make the exact person you want, but that isn't possible. People are always going to have traits you don't like, period. But I guess that's makes a relationship stronger - dealing with those differences.

Nice replies.. But here's another scenario: What if you meet someone that you instantly click with - the physical/mental/emotional attraction is there, but, that person already has a b/f or g/f. Does that mean the person isn't for you? You might then say "if it's meant to be, you'll have that person eventually," but that's getting into the whole fate thing which is a different subject.

Ok guys. Earlier in the week I posted about love finding you when you least expect it, which everyone seems to agree on. But I'd like to know what everyone thinks in reference to how we know we've found the person. How can we be sure that the person is right for us? If a person right for us, does that mean that we are physically attracted to the person from the getgo, or we gradually become attracted after getting to know the person? In other words, you might meet someone you think is nice and wonderful on the inside, but you have not the slightest attraction for them physically. Does that mean this person is not for you? For some reason, when I find a girl to be physically attractive, it clouds my judgment - I make myself "believe" that she also possesses the personality traits that I look for in a girl, and unfortunately, it doesn't turn out that way. Girls who I don't find physically attractive at first glance do tend to have those qualities as I get to know them better (I'm sure the guys can relate to this). Also, do you think the right person has a personality and tendencies similar to yours, or they're different to better compliment what you don't have? These are tough questions, but I'd like to see what you guys think.

I can relate to the original poster's situation. I was with my ex about a year ago; everything seemed wonderful. Then one day after coming back from vacation, she tells me I should move on and find someone better. Although she didn't directly tell me that she wasn't feel it for me anymore, that's what she was trying to get accross. I was distraught for a while, but I found other girls to distract myself with and voila - I got over it. She entered my life a few months later, but at that time, I didn't have feelings anymore. I know you're hurt man, cuz I've been through it. But keep meeting girls, they'll distract you. Everything happens for a reason. You have to believe that there's someone better out there (with better qualities) that will give you the love and attention you deserve. We have to ask ourselves this question - why have someone around that doesn't feel the same way for us? It's like limiting ourselves and missing out on someone better.

It sounds like the guy wants the cake and wants to eat it too (hence, have two girls in his orbit - the more the merrier right??) My advice to you is to try meeting other guys, but don't lose hope on this situation. Keep in touch casually, but meet other guys. It helps you do two things: 1. Meet other prospects 2. Get your mind off of him in case he really isn't serious about what he's saying. He might be right about what he's saying, but just be weary, because people often say things they don't mean. Actions are what do all the talking.

Sorry man. Don't sweat it. It's her loss, and don't think her disconnecting her cell has anything to do with you - unless you called her a million times a day.. Move on... Plenty of fish in the sea, and just think of it as an opportunity to find someone who will really appreciate you.

Looks matter to the extent that a person must be physically attractive to you somehow (either the smile, eyes, etc.), but what may be attractive to you may not be attractive to somebody else. What really amplifies this attraction is whether or not you're attracted to the person's personality.. Looks fade - In the long run, whether a person has a cute face or nice body isn't something important that keeps a relationship going.

I hate it when girls use "I'm busy" because it keeps the other person there wondering and waiting, and basically the girl is wasting the guy's time. A guy never knows if she really is busy or if she's not, but even if a girl IS busy, she'll make time for a guy she's really fancying.

I don't understand what you said in your last post, but here's my take on how you should approach a girl. Instead of saying "Would you like to go _____ sometime, you should say: I'm going to ________ on Friday.. Come with me.. we'll have fun This says two things: - That you were going to that particular place to have fun without her anyway - Instead of putting it as a question, you're putting it as more of a command - which shows confidence and boldness. "Would you like to" sounds like you're asking for approval. "Join me" sounds more assertive and I think girls find that more attractive.

Good mindset, Alabama. Although in life you have to be persistent and work hard in certain things like finding a job and achieving other goals, finding the right person is not a matter of serious effort - it's a matter of finding a person who complements your life at the right time. I guess it's all a matter of patience.

Well, it seems like she knows how you feel about her, and she wanted to let you down gently. You said you haven't told her how you feel verbally, but you've tried to show it instead, and I commend you on that. Too many guys persist on trying to verbalize how they feel, and this is a recipe for disaster (until you know the girl feels the same). I think it was wrong of her to say "and I know that's not what you want to hear," because it makes her sound like she's trying to elevate herself by saying that. My advice bro - continue being her friend, but try to get your mind off of her romantically by meeting other girls.

If a girl sits next to you, why do you assume she likes you as more than a friend? She just doesn't want to stay standing LOL. But all kidding aside - you need more proof. From what you tell us, she sounds like she's been an all around friendly person with you so far.

Do not tell her you love her. You have to know first if she's interested, and right now it seems like her interest level is low if she keeps on telling you she's busy. An interested girl does make time for it. Don't give up yet. Keep trying, but don't pour out your feelings yet - its not going to have any positive effect if she's not yet interested. You're going to have to amplify her interest in you.

Isn't it interesting how the less someone tells you, the more mysterious they are and the more they pique your curiosity? I admit that I'm this way myself sometimes with girls, and even though it frustrates, it makes them come back for more. As someone else said, bring up these things throughout the conversation. Why don't you try to talk to him over the phone one of these days?

Suzy, It really depends on this girl's personality and how much attention she normally receives. If she is used to guys drooling all over her, then over- complimenting doesn't make you stand out at all - it just makes you look like the rest of the guys. It makes her think "Ugh, another guy that is willing to worship the ground I walk on." So, being a little more aloof with this type of girl might work better. Now, if she's more of a low key girl, average looking or whatever, then yes, a few compliments here and there would be nice. But even then you should not over do it. I think complimenting a girl has nothing to do with making her feel more comfortable around you - you could do that without complimenting her all the time. The more you compliment, the more needy you seem. Again, a few compliments (when she least expects it) is okay, but don't be afraid to tease her and show her that you're comfortable with yourself, and that you don't depend on her perception of you for anything.

A combination of both.

Randy, Take it easy. You're jumping ahead of yourself. It's too early right now to be thinking of whether you're in a good position for her to fall in love. So many guys have this problem of investing their emotions so quickly. You have to take things one day at a time. If you like her so much and are willing to take this chance, you should first find out how close her and that guy are. How long have you been friends with this girl? If it's been for a year or more, you know that this is probably going to come as a shock, because she might not be expecting it and could be accustomed to you as her good work buddy. But if you like her so much that you're willing to take the risk, do it. Flirt with her, apply a little kinoesthetics (touching). I'm sure that she'll pick up on this sooner or later, and based on how she acts afterwards, you'll know where this is headed.

No, asking "would you want to be my girlfriend" is downright wimpy. Again, it's always better to convey what you feel through your actions, not through your words. Your actions are what really ignites a person to feel something stronger for you. You should ask her out to dinner, but if you've been talking a lot over the phone, you should cut that immediately. Let her see you have other things to do, make yourself unavailable at times. It seems like girls really get more emotionally "into" someone when they're away from the person than when they're with the guy. Same goes for guys. Of course, you have to be with the person here and there, but not having them around makes you appreciate their presense.

Well, I think true love exists, but it usually comes when least expected. True love cannot be forced or searched for too deeply. What other people have said is true - it's not easy to establish a strong physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connection with one single person all at once. You might have to go through meeting several people before you find that love with someone else - the right one.

Don'ts: Do not supplicate Do not compliment her too much Do not buy her gifts Do not act like you need her Do not be nervous or try to act like someone you're not

I think it makes perfect sense. When you actively pursue someone too hard, it's almost like going against the flow, or against the grain so to speak. People have to realize that not everyone they meet is going to be attracted to them, so it shouldn't let them down. A good example was me a few years ago. At one point I really wanted a girlfriend, so what did I do? I actively looked for girls online - either in chatrooms or directories - and wanted to see which one would suit me best for a relationship. This, of course, never led to anything. Many of the girls were either not looking for anyone, already in a relationship, or not interested. This doesn't happen only online, but in the real world too. You'll meet different people with different agendas. It's hard when you get attached to someone who isn't feeling it for you the same way, but in the long run you'll realize that the person was better suited for someone else, not you. I think there's someone for all of us out there; it's not a matter of searching hard, but making yourself available in places where you can engage in social intercourse. Joining clubs, vocational classes, and taking up other hobbies (karate, etc) are good ways to do it. Looking online also broadens your horizons, but be weary of the fact that sometimes you never know what people online really want until you meet them in person. In the end, I think the person you end up with is someone who is heading in the same direction in life as you. Someone who you share similar goals and values with, and who possesses a personality that compliments yours. It'll be someone who can learn from you, and someone you can learn from at the same time. It's easier to find someone like this when you're busy with your own life and aren't constantly worrying about finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. It's almost as if nature (or fate if you want to call it that) always chooses in the end - but you have to use your free will in seeing where that person could be. Feel free to comment.

I don't really believe in soulmates. I think you can be compatible with various people, some more than others. If soulmates exist, they must be difficult to find given the divorce rate exceeds 60%

keep, I'm sorry for what you're going through. In a way, she is right - it is superficial in the sense that you haven't even been with each other in person. Have you even seen each other's pictures? Maybe you have no idea if you're attracted to one another, and even if you are, you'd have to find out if there's chemistry in person. So far, you fell for her on the grounds of "idealization." My advice to you is that if you want to explore your options over the net, meet girls that live in your area. That way you talk to them a few times online and over the phone, and then you arrange a meeting in a public place. Meeting people that live so far away is a major investment of your time and money - you might never even meet that person.

There are some guys who are like that, but there are also girls who are flakes. They say they'll call and they don't. Usually this happens because the person is busy or forgot to call. But if a person forgets to call over a period of a week or more then maybe that person's interest level is not too high yet. If one is really interested, they'll call, but a lot of people like to be chased. Sometimes it's just hard to differentiate between not being interested and playing hard to get.

I think it takes a lot of confidence for a girl to approach a guy, and I find it sexy. But I must know that she's doing it because she's interested. If a see her approaching a bunch of different guys on several occasions, then it's obvious she has ulterior motives under her sleeve.