Double J

I don't know, but the way I look at it is.. If you're going after other people, yet you start to think you have feelings for a friend, maybe you're getting a little over anxious to be with SOMEONE.. anyone.. I know this girl who's my friend, and when she gets a little lonely, she gets a little "TOO friendly" if you know what I mean.. I think it's just a natural human reaction. If you're really starting to have authentic feelings for your friend, why are you chasing others?

I disagree in part with Maximus: Yes, ask her out, but no, do not tell her how you feel. As hard as it may be, and as much as it tests your patience, you need to show her through your actions that you're interested - simple as that. Right now it seems as if she's not interested

I think you should get hers before you give her your own. If she's not interested she might never call, but at least by having hers, you can try to see if you have some success over time.

Yeah, I think NC would be the best option for you right now. If you resort to staying "friends" it's only going to heighten these feelings of depression, loneliness, and sadness. Trust me, I know it's hard, but if you get your mind off of her and become absorbed in your work and activities, eventually you'll start to forget her as impossible as it seems right now. Keep dating other girls and you'll meet at least one that will turn you in another direction.

Personally speaking, I will bother a girl even if I don't like her "that way." I just like to joke around with girls and treat some of them like bratty sisters. This doesn't mean I like them as more than a friend. He might be attracted to you, but if he has a girlfriend, are you sure you want to go through with pursuing him?

You should try asking her out before she places you in "friend" territory.

The best thing anyone can do is go for someone they KNOW cares for them and isn't playing games. The reason we like the people around us is because they like us.

It depends on the guy. If a guy is really shy, he probably won't go after her. If he's bold and confident, you can bet your bottom dollar that he'll ask her out. Shy guys tend to be more passive whereas extroverted guys will make the move. Usually a guy's body language and behavior towards a girl gives it away. If I like a girl, I tend to tease her and bother her a lot. But many guys would never do that to a girl they like - they remain quiet and at a loss for words.

Yeah, fallen, I've been in your shoes before. If the guy you're interested in doesn't respond soon, I'm sure you're going to get tired and you'll move on. There's a saying that goes "If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be" and that makes pretty good sense. If the person you like sees you have moved on and they don't really care, then obviously you're wasting your time. But if they look for you again for a second chance, then just maybe that person could be for you. That's just the irony of life - we want what we can't have.

I like your reasoning, ShySoul. I think it's better to wait than to jump into a precarious relationship with a person you're not sure you're really interested in. The best relationships seem to come about when people are not looking. I guess looking too hard is like going against the natural flow of things.

I also had a major shyness problem in high school. Trust me - college gives you the opportunity to start anew and meet people in a more mature, professional and adult-like atmosphere. People just seem to be more mature and friendlier in college, where things have to be taken much more seriously and responsibly than in high school. After starting college, I changed and became much more sociable. You just have to make the effort and take the initiative to approach people and start a conversation. A tip - talk to people in your classes about the subject as a way of breaking the ice - either a homework assignment or an upcoming test, etc. Then after that you could branch off into other topics, like sports, celebrities, world news, etc. Just think of girls as normal human beings - they're not either superior to you nor lower in any way.

Bizw, Do yourself a favor and forget about your ex. If you keep her around, you might miss an opportunity with another great girl that comes along. It's not worth it to be friends with her or maintain any kind of contact. The best thing to do is stop contact so that your feelings may fade away and that way you get a renewed interest to meet new girls and start over. She might just be using you for attention now, don't put up with it.

Ask her out somewhere. It's a very different scenario when you're alone with a girl as opposed to when you're around her friends as well. People tend to act different around other people. The nickname thing might mean something, but it might not either. Some girls are just silly and friendly like that. Take your chance; you're still young. Even if you get rejected it'll still be a valuable learning experience.

You should ask her out. She can't be putting this off forever. I'm in a situation similar to yours - I've been asking out this girl and she keeps saying she's busy. You should consider how i'm dealing with it - keep meeting other girls and take your mind off of it. If a person is interested in you, they'll let you know. If they want to go out with you, they'll let you know. As long as you've tried, you've done your job. I suggest you ask her out a few more times, and if she keeps saying no, leave the ball in her court and continue meeting other girls. That way, she might come around when you least expect it and you're not all bent out of shape waiting for her.

If you're head over heels, you're going to have to convey that you like her through your actions - hold her hand more often, carress her, maintain deep eye contact, etc. Do not start telling her how you feel because that's too instantaneous and is going to make her feel weird - just going from a friend one day to pouring your heart out the next. Take it slow. Call her soon and ask her out again. Maybe she's been busy.

Good question, Suzy. I can honestly say that I fell victim to this situation in my last relationship. I became a little too emotional in persisting something "official" with my gf who insisted that she wasn't ready for something so serious. She wanted more of a fling type of thing, and that totally made me feel like she wasn't as into me as I was with her. Of course, if someone you like tells you they're not "ready" you know what that means. It is only a matter of time before a person can get tired of expressing how they feel without getting anything in return. It eventually feels like a waste of time - like you could do better. Plus, feelings wear out. If I start to sense that I'm not getting what I deserve, I'll probably get tired and move on in a matter of a few short weeks.

Something I'd like to tack on: Just like a person can be very self-conscious of their looks, they can also be very self-conscious of their intelligence, and this might make the person a little stuck-up or gives the person a sense of being "better" than others. I'm not saying this applies to all bright people, but some that you should avoid. I really prefer girls that are at my level of intelligence or maybe slightly lower.

This question really goes out to the guys, but you ladies are free to comment. How much do you look into how intelligent a woman is if you're examining her potential as a partner for you? Personally, intelligence is one of the most important qualities I look for in a girl. I've been with girls that have been attractive, but far below me in the intelligence department, so the looks were not able to sustain the relationship alone. Since I consider myself bright, I need someone bright as well to teach me new things, just as I can teach her. A woman who is a 6 in looks but intelligent probably goes up to an 8 in my book. Being bright just gives her more value. When I say "intelligent," that does encompass cultural awareness, street smarts, book smarts, and the like. What do you guys think?

My pleasure, Mahlina. You guys have come up with some pretty good stuff, and I'm glad you've been sharing your experiences with the rest of us. You brought up a good point, Fallen, about being hard to distinguish who is right for us at this age when we are still in the process of getting to know ourselves. I think a lot of the things that come to us in life happen because of timing. You might meet someone you're interested in, but that person has just broken up with their ex, so they're not interested. Or you might meet someone that's too busy with school work and other tasks, but in 3 months when they'd have more time you'd probably get tired of waiting. So many of us have such busy lives that fitting in a relationship isn't always easy. I think you meet the right person (or who might very well be the right person) when both of you have similar goals and desires - you both are looking for a long-term relationship, you both can see each other every so often, etc. Relationships are a matter of compromise - and if one person is not willing to do their end of the bargain, it's just not going to work out. It's very possible for a person to give you the "I'm not ready for this" speech and then reach you 2 months later asking for another opportunity, and that's fine. But I've learned that if you have to be the one putting in all the effort - then you're just settling for less - someone who is not giving you as much attention or is not as devoted to you as you are to them.

Strike up a conversation with him one day. If you know him from a certain class, you could make things easier by starting off the conversation with something specific about a lecture or assignment. And like the previous poster said, although you might feel you're unattractive, don't let others see you feel this way. If you really set your mind to improving yourself, you can do it. But everything in life that you want to accomplish takes time and effort. If having curly hair doesn't appeal to you, why not try to straighten it out one day? Remember, believe in yourself.

Yes, I do think people can change for the better. I myself changed from a shy, antisocial guy in high school to someone more extroverted in college. It's all a matter of having the right mindset and being confident in yourself. You're still very young; I'm glad that you're making choices to change for the better. Like you said, you have to be determined; you have to picture yourself being a certain way (a way you'd like to be) and make it happen gradually.

I don't believe in love at first sight. How could you love someone you haven't met? Their personality might conflict in every way with yours. It's just instant infatuation. I'm sure many of us have met people we are physically attracted to immediately, but when we get to know them, we lose that attraction because it's not all about what lies on the exterior.

Benchwarmer has some good points. Most people feel the act itself of sexual intercourse is considered "making love" if both partners are in love, and merely "having sex" if it's done out of lust. Regardless, sex is still something very intimate. If not for the use of condoms, you are both engaging in something that sets the stage for a potential fertilization of the egg; hence, procreation. But people in society don't think of it that way. In psychology, i'm sure you guys have heard about the id, ego and superego. When the id takes over (acts on pleasure principle), sex satisfies lust, period. And I guess you can say that when you want it to be a more meaningful and profound experience, the superego is operative.

Pisces, why? Lol.

Another thing I'd like to add. As hard as it may seem, it's best not be unrealistic in expecting certain things from that right person. If you feel comfortable with the person's personality, but they are not as tall or robust as you'd like, who cares? These are just superficial things. Or, if the looks are fine but they lack something - say a sense of humor - don't just give up because of that. Those things can be developed as you and the other person become more comfortable with each other.