Double J

I've noticed that most of my male friends tend to look for, or desire girls with body types similar to theirs. My friend Mark is skinny and tall and is attracted only to girls who are tall and thin. Others who are considerably more robust (like myself) prefer thicker girls. Can you guys relate, or do you have a different perspective when it concerns attraction?

She sounds possessive and/or needy. If I was in your shoes, I'd tell her that even though she's my g/f, she doesn't own me. I also like to have some days to hang out with my friends without having to have the g/f there all the time. It's good to have some independence to do other things, and she should understand that.

My view is that, if you love a girl online that you've never met in person before, what you really love is the IDEA of being in love with her. You haven't actually met her in person; you don't know if there's chemistry between you both. You might meet this girl in person and realize that she's really not the type of girl you expected. When you first meet a person, both individuals are trying to make themselves look as appealing as possible, so of course, flaws don't come into the picture until later on. And, I think it's much easier for a person's true self to be concealed via internet. If she lives near you, try to meet her in person as soon as possible before it becomes a full-blown fantasy.

This has happened to me in the past, and I can honestly say that I've done it too. When I found out this good friend of mine liked me, I started acting friendlier with her despite not "liking her that way." Back when I was a freshman in high school, I liked this girl a lot.. When I told her, she said she was not interested but suddenly seemed friendlier and more interested in having more conversations. I guess people do this because they want what the other person is feeling to remain intact - it makes us feel good about ourselves. If one day we're feeling a bit lonely and need some attention, we know that the person who likes us is willing to give us the time of day. It also sets us at ease with the other person and makes us comfortable in joking with them and what not.

This last part says it all. You ask her out and she never says yes, plus, she liked someone else and needs a little help getting over it. If she was at least more willing to accept your proposals to go out, I'd be more inclined to believe she might like you. But this girl just seems to be playing games and wants all the attention she could get. Remember - don't pay attention to what a girl says. It's what she does that really tell everything. Actions speak louder than words.

ShySoul, I recently bought a book off of Amazon called "Understanding Women: The Definitive Guide to Meeting, Dating and Dumping, if Necessary" by Romy Miller. Keep in mind that this book is written by a WOMAN herself, so what I say in this post is derived from what I've read from the book thus far. Another thing - every single person gave this book 5 stars on Amazon so maybe you should check it out - it's written in a simple, straight-to-the-point style that readers can identify with. What sticks out is how she describes the type of man that the majority of women can't help but fall for. She describes men being of three general types: (1) The Confident Man, (2) The Bad Boy, (3) The Smart Guy. She says that number 1 is the most important one, but if a guy can possess all three and use each sparingly, he should have girls wanting him. Isn't that what I have been saying in a way? Another one liner that reminded me of you and this thread when I read it right away: "Women love to be teased, so don't hold back from doing it." Sound familiar? If a woman herself is saying this, it's obvious that your shyness has ingrained this negative perception of teasing women in your mind. Another one - "Women love a challenge." I'm not saying to believe or practice everything this lady says. It's your life - it's up to you. But you have to at least acknowledge the possibility that perhaps these things really do work, and not be so narrow-minded about it. People usually claim not to like doing certain things when in reality it's all because the person has never tried or is afraid to venture into that uncharted territory. Example - A few of my friends say they don't like bowling.. and when I asked them why, I found out most have never even played it! It's a defense mechanism called rationalization - meaning that you "talk your way out" of things by giving yourself excuses, and it's usually out of fear. It was implicit in your last post that you don't want to deal with the dating world, and you just want to meet someone unexpectedly and spend the rest of your life with the person. In my opinion, I think here you're using rationalization again. Your excuse for not trying to date around and find the right partner for you that way is by saying that you'll just bump into that person and it'll go naturally from there. It seems it's your "cop-out" excuse, and that in itself shows a little lack of confidence. If you think about it, what's so bad about dating? You're going out with the person and doing something fun with her to see if she's your type, or if you should weed her out and move on. To me, the reason you don't want to deal with this stuff is because you lack the drive and confidence to get out there and do it. If it saves you from having the guts to ask a girl out, why not right? News Flash - Most girls actually LIKE dating first. They like dating a guy first to see if he is really for her. You're not going to find many (if any) girls that will jump into a relationship in 2 days - it just doesn't work like that. If you're the type of [nice] guy that feels bad about trying out different prospects at the same time, then it's an even harder road towards finding the right girl. The more you've got to work with, the more likely you are to end up with what you're truly looking for in the end. I agree with you that one shouldn't let the thought of wanting a relationship have any bearing on your day-to-day decisions. Like i've told you before, I don't think of it as: I want to meet girls today so that maybe I get a relationship out of one of them. I think of it as: I want to meet girls today so maybe i'll just get to know a new, cool person. You said: "The more beautiful a girl is, the more likely she is to have guy after guy hitting on her. Which is where just being friends is better. She probably gets plenty of both people, those playing games and those showering her with compliments. So don't be either. Be yourself. Be a friend and be nice. " So you mean that if a girl is physically beautiful, you immediately put her on your "Out of my league" list and think you're only capable of making a friendship out of it? See, I don't think that's the right mindset to have. Another thing Miller says in the book I bought as one of the basic rules of women: - "Not all women are unapproachable and that includes very beautiful women. Sometimes they aren't approached because of their beauty. Many men are afraid of rejection and don't approach them. So they appreciate what little attention they get." ShySoul, I recommend you buy this book. Try not base your thinking solely on what YOU have branded in your mind as far as what makes women tick. Do some research to see what women really want - what better source than a book that is actually written by one of that gender? My opinion is that you're very stuck in that comfort zone, and you're scared to come out of it. Ever hear the phrase "Do whatever works"? How would you be willing to know what really works if you're reluctant to try different alternatives? But you seem content on waiting.. and if that's what you want to do, no matter how long it takes, then good luck to you. One more thing.. do you love yourself 100%? Then why don't you think that you can be the prize? Why don't you think that a woman would be super lucky to have you? If you have a lot to offer, you should feel like you're the prize. But you can only feel like the prize by exposing yourself out in the world, and that world is usually in that of dating. I think guys that don't do anything at all to put themselves in positions to meet more girls (whether it be to get a date, get laid, or a relationship) don't really deserve what they're looking for. Think about it - who would deserve a promotion more - someone who goes the extra mile to have success, or someone who just adopts a "go with the flow" attitude? Think about it.

I think the reason why most people have more meaningful relationships with people when they weren't looking is because it tends to unfold naturally - and those are the relationships that really last.

This "Hollywood" type of meeting might only happen IF you're putting in some kind of effort to go out and meet women. It's not about going out and finding women - it's about becoming more social by establishing connections with people. Usually meeting someone will help you meet other people - people meet others through others. But if you're waiting for a girl to come knocking on your door saying "Hi, I like you, do you want to go out sweety?", then you're in for a major disappointment. Given your name on this forum, I'm not sure if you're really putting the effort. I understand that it's harder for people when they have to work and have other responsibilities, but still... you can still reserve at least one or two days of the month to go out and try to meet people. You have to put yourself in situations where you can do this, but with the ultimate purpose of it benefiting you - working out, karate, school organizations, etc. Do you understand where I'm going with this? I'm not trying to put you down in any way. I was once like you thinking of a fairy tale romance type of thing. Sometimes meeting someone like that comes down to luck - being at the right place at the right time. You might use what I told you about my ex and I as an example of this, but if I wouldn't have decided to join the club that led me to compete and meet her on the trip, it wouldn't have happened. Do things to better yourself, and in the process, you'll meet girls that are trying to do the same. That ties into what you said, ShySoul, about things happening naturally. But just sitting around and not doing anything about it is not letting things flow naturally - it's just using excuses not to take action. Talking to girls online is a good tool, I'll give you that. But don't prolong meeting her in person for too long, because then you might build an idealized image of her that might not be consistent with reality. If you're looking for a girl to "complete" you, then I think you have to change your mindset. Women don't complete you - you complete yourself! Women are just a bonus. Why? Because a woman can be in your life one day, and could just walk away the next week. But you'll still be you. That's why women precisely want men who have active lives and don't drop everything they're doing for them. Another thing - instead of thinking that the girl you're searching for is the "prize" so to speak, think of yourself as the prize. Think that whoever you choose will be lucky enough to have you - not the other way around. But you obviously have to know that this is true. For example, if a guy isn't happy with himself and gets flustered around women, would he really be a prize? You have to work on yourself to be the best you can be - that's all there is to it.

If a guy is truly interested in a girl, he'll do what he can to get her. This guy seems to be doing the opposite. Perhaps you should just move on.

Well, that's pretty much it. Confidence, having goals, having outside interests like playing instruments or sports, etc. You say you're desperate.. why? Girls are very good at sensing this.. If you want to change certain things about yourself, do it for yourself. Not to get a girlfriend.

Like someone said before, if you have to rationalize whether you truly like the person who likes you or not, you probably don't "feel it" for him or her, at least not presently. Of course, that can built up over time. I had a friend in high school who liked me, and I had the utmost respect and admiration for her because she was a great person. But that attraction factor just wasn't present. I think people are more inclined to try and reciprocate what another feels for him/her if the person has no other options to choose from.

What do you mean?

I think girls like to be teased once in a while, but not in a childish way. You see, busting on girls (especially the really hot ones) conveys that you could have fun with her and you don't really care what she thinks about you. There's also something about touching (sometimes called kino) that for some reason seems to make a girl more inclined to view you as "more than friend" material. I don't mean touching in a sexually threatening way, but very subtle. Still, nothing attracts girls more than confidence.

My ex g/f used to suffer from depression, and sometimes it got so bad that it actually made me depressed - amazing considering i'm usually very upbeat. Now imagine two people with that problem - it's like a double whammy. I'm not saying it can't work; i'm sure you guys would be able to console each other. But it's very possible that, not only will your depression keep you down, but when you're trying to be high-spirited, his depression might put a damper on that. It's something you have to think about but perhaps you both need "sunnier" partners.

Women are attracted to confidence, sense of humor, and a guy that has goals and wants to accomplish them, among other things. I don't think shyness really figures into the equation. I mean, there might be some girls that feel more comfortable with shy guys, but if you have a guy AND a girl that are shy, who's gonna make the move? As long as you approach the girl and are confident in doing it, I don't think she'll be concerned as to whether you're shy or not. At least not in the beginning.

ShySoul, You're under the impression that just because a guy likes to be unpredictable and tease, that he can't be a "true" nice guy. Just because a guy likes to keep a girl wondering a little does not mean that he's ruining his chances. I never said anything about sending signals that show you could care less, either. This is a "Dating" forum. Whether you want to admit it or not, the courting process IS like a game. Unless a girl is extremely conservative/religious-oriented, most girls are going to want a little challenge to spice things up. That's just how girls are - live with it. Remember something - Girls are different; they each have different motivations and interests, particularly at different stages in their lives. When girls are in their early twenties, they tend to want to have fun and not get so serious, yet when they reach their 30's, that's when they look towards making a family. Be mindful that not every girl, at your age, is looking for a guy with your type of personality. Some might be, but believe it or not, some actually want the type of guy that challenges them and isn't so easy to figure out. Thus, if you meet one of these one day, what are you going to do? Am I saying you should alter your personality to suit them? Absolutely not. But ShySoul, pouring your heart to a girl too soon is deadly. I did it back when I met my high school ex I mentioned in the other post, and that was the time that I thought being the nicest guy in the world was the ticket to getting women. Boy, was I wrong. In fact, there came a time that I started acting more aloof with her, not kissing her rear all the time, and that's when she told me something i'll never forget: "I like the way you're acting with me lately.." I was like "huh"? How could that be? It's now that I understand how girls LIKE to be challenged. You seem to have this idea of the "fairy tale romance of sweet caring guy that finds perfect girl with no flaws" in mind. Let me tell you something my friend - Just like the perfect guy doesn't exist, neither does the perfect girl. Someone said above that you're in a comfort zone and are being resistant to change. I agree. I used to be extremely shy too, and I still am to some degree. But I wouldn't have been able to gradually improve on becoming more extroverted without leaving the comfort box and taking risks. In order to be successful in life, you have to experience failure - it's inevitable. And since you really haven't had much experience in the dating department, you have yet to experience failure and you feel that you'll meet one special girl and that will be the end of it. It doesn't work this way - it's all about trial and error. You might have to go through maybe 20 women before you meet your "one." Even though you might hear many girls saying they want a "nice guy," you see many of them go and find guys who embody a set of qualities that completely contradict that. Understand that it's not about what YOU feel - it's about what women feel. Attraction isn't a choice - it's an emotional response. And being nice might help you gain affection from a girl, but it does nothing to spark attraction. Like I said before, being nice can be MIXED with being unpredictable - like giving her a small little gift when she least expects it. But giving her gifts all the time (a typical nice guy trait) is almost like buying her affection and yes, is a wussy thing to do. I think that the more beautiful a girl is, and the more she knows she's in demand, the more unpredictable and playful you should be. Why? Because by being nice and doing the typical things like buying her gifts and showering her with compliments, you're being like every typical guy. Being a bit challenging, teasing her, and showing her that you really don't care if she rejects you shows that you are comfortable with yourself, and that you will not cater to her every whim just because she was lucky enough to be blessed with good looks. I'll end this post talking about you and the online girl thing. I don't know if she's the first girl you've gotten close to online or not, or whether you've met online girls in person yet. But I have firsthand experience with this too. Have you spoken to this girl on the phone yet? Nearly every girl I've spoken to in instant message, i've connected with somehow. They've all liked talking to me. But you have to understand that online communication as opposed to in-person communication is completely different. It makes a world of a difference when you're actually in front of the other person and you're able to see their expressions and mannerisms. As for me, the majority of the girls I've met in person from the internet have had issues, ranging from being cheated on to being drama queens to girls that see shrinks. Out of 8 or 9 i've met offline, I've had a relationship with only one. But that's besides the point. You have to meet this girl in person as soon as possible to ascertain that there's chemistry, that she's sane, that her picture (if you've seen it) is really her, and so many other intangibles. I'm happy for you that you're using the internet as a medium to get experience, but like I said, everything is just a fantasy until you meet in real life. You could be talking to a 40 year old man that's just trying to pull a prank on someone, so that goes to show that text is just text. IMO, the best time to be a true nice guy is when you're already in a relationship with a girl. I stick to the notion that in the world of dating, being nice might get you a few points here and there, but it is not enough to land the girl.

Like muneca said, cyber relationships are just fantasy until both people meet in person. If you haven't actually met the person or even spoken to him/her over the phone, you might really be talking to a woman posing as a man or vice-versa, while you might be stirring with "feelings" that should never develop in the first place.

Then that should tell you that she's just a big flirt, and you shouldn't put too much thought into what she's doing with you, because she's doing that with everyone else.

I think you should pursue your friend no longer. When a girl gives you the friend speech, it's not worth it to convince yourself that things might change or whatever. The chances of that happening are usually very slim.

I don't believe in soulmates either. I think a person can click on many levels with several different people. The thing is that when a person meets someone with whom they feel a strong bond with, that person is obviously not going to be questioning things by saying "Hey, this person seems to suit me well, but I'm going to see if someone out there suits me better." We become so content with that person that we put him/her on a pedestal - a "too good to be true" type of thing. Usually, that person seems like "the other half" until a few months or years down the road when the honeymoon phase passes and your typical relationship problems creep in.

She might like you, but it's just not enough to go by. Some girls are just attention seekers that like to flirt around. I've encountered them before, and if you're in high school, the number of girls that do this is rampant. Keep observing her behavior, especially to see if she does this with other guys.

You shouldn't look to meet girls just to see if you can get a relationship out of one of those encounters. What you should have in mind is that you want to meet them for fun or simply to make a new friend. You can't go against the natural flow of things - you might meet many girls that aren't interested, but most likely, some will be. Don't worry about the outcome; let things flow naturally.

ShySoul, I don't mean to completely knock off everything you're saying, and I respect your opinions, but I honestly side with LTAwesome's viewpoint. The truth is that being nice is something that girls normally associate with a friend. Nice guys are always there when you need them, sacrifice their time for others, do anything to accommodate girls, etc. If you think about it, why would a girl be attracted to a guy who gives her everything she wants? If anything, it's going to make her spoiled, and when people are ALWAYS there at your beck and call, you're going to be tempted to take advantage of them sooner or later. I'm not saying that a guy shouldn't be nice, but everything is always better if used in moderation. I don't know if you understood what LTAwesome was trying to explain about teasing, but I can attest to the fact that it really works. It just sends out all the right signals that you could care less what she thinks of you, as long as you refrain from doing it in a derogatory/demeaning manner. Okay, you're nice... So? How does that separate you from other guys? Things that really attract girls are qualities that make you unique, such as writing poetry, sense of humor, play the guitar, etc. Girls are also very keen on a guy who's mature and can carry thoughtful conversations. I have a friend who's the nicest guy you'll ever meet. If you need him, he'll be there for you. But he seems to have adopted the same mentality you have (and I admit to having this mentality in the past) about "waiting" for the right girl. He puts no effort into going out, joining clubs, or doing anything at all to put him in a better position to meet and interact with girls. That is why he has ZERO game, and he's probably never had a g/f in his life. I'm not saying that you'll never meet this girl, of course. I've noticed that the majority of guys would readily accept a long-term relationship with a decent girl if it presented itself. Life just has a way of bringing things to you when you've worked on it. I'll give you an example. I met my high school ex girlfriend unexpectedly on a field trip my senior year. We spent a few days in a hotel for state competitions. One day, all of our fellow peers left the hotel room, and it was just her and me. At that point I knew that I had to take advantage of the opportunity. I approached her and acted nice, but I also threw in a few jokes and didn't make it so "serious." A few days later she was the one asking me for my number, and that's how we hooked up. If I would never have taken the initiative, nothing would have happened. "Bumping" into a girl and falling in love seems like something you see in the movies. My encounter with my ex was sorta like that, but nothing would have happened if it wasn't for me. As a man you have to be willing to risk rejection. Like LT said most girls will not approach guys, but if you've made a good first impression, they'll be the ones giving you the signals later on. Like I said earlier, balance is the best policy. Mixing "being nice" with teasing, flirting, joking, and maturity lead to success. Just like other things in life, too much of something either is either not good, or just plain boring. Using each of these things in moderation not only makes you unpredictable but it keeps the girls on their toes. Hope this helped.

Kyo, I think it's okay not to believe in the whole soulmate thing, I mean, I believe that there isn't just ONE person we can connect with so intensely too. But I don't think you should bash it out of bitterness. You should remain hopeful that you could meet several different potentials, so long as you put yourself in a position to meet girls. I think we all get opportunities in life - but it's up to us to take advantage. Like basically every guy on this forum, I wish that girls would do more approaching, but the fact of the matter is that they usually don't. It's the man's job as part of the courting process. You have to be willing to assume that responsibility. Don't give up man. Dating and finding love is just like finding a job or doing good in school - once you give up, you're bound to fail, but continually trying puts you closer to the end you want to meet.

Whoa, this is an unusual question. It's just in our biological makeup to be attracted to those of the opposite sex (Hetereosexually speaking, of course). Not all guys play games all the time, you know. No offense or anything, but why are you asking this? lol