Double J

This is basically a post of reflection, but I'd like people to comment on it. I look at myself now, 2 years away from getting my bachelors degree, and I can't believe how time has flown by in my life. Where did time go? Seems like yesterday that I was on my bed doing homework for government class as a senior in high school, thinking into the future, and now that i'm a junior in college, that seems like so long ago. I spoke to my ex girlfriend today, who I dated toward the later part of my senior year, and it's amazing that that was over 2 years ago. I think time really flies when you're in college. Since you're constantly busy doing work week by week, before you know it the semester is over.. you're starting the next one, that one ends.. it adds on more and more, and just like that you're a graduate. I'm happy that I'm heading toward "the real world," but sometimes you can't help but reminisce about the past, when all you had to worry about was school, friends, and going after girls/guys. Do you guys feel the same about time in your life? I guess it should remind us to live for the moment, appreciate others in your life and do as much good as you can, because change is inevitable and you never know what could happen in a year.

In April, I graduated from the two year college I was in. That seemed to mark a new era in my life. It was around the time that I got into a wonderful relationship that I've been in now for 7 months, I got a new job, and I was in the process of transferring to the university to complete my bachelors degree. About a year and a half prior to this time in April, I had made a smooth transition to the two year college. I met so many friends in the small honors program I was in that I loved it. But I could recall that at that time, I wasn't content enough because I wanted a relationship to go along w/ the many friends. I met one particular friend that I got along w/ from the start. We had some classes together, and he eventually got kicked out of the honors program but we stayed in touch. The friendship grew stronger over time - we played basketball at least once a week, sometimes ate lunch, talked a lot about girls, and the like. Besides basketball and lunch or dinner, we never went elsewhere (excluding on my birthday) because apparently his financial situation isn't all that good. That's why I'm guessing anyway because I always invited him to hang out at the movies and he quietly declined. To make the long story short, around the time that I was getting ready to graduate from the two year college, I got into this relationship with my g/f, and that's precisely when me and my buddy started to grow apart. The basketball games seemingly stopped, and after one day in early april when we played I haven't seen him again ever since. The last day that we attempted to play, we agreed to meet at the park, but since it was so full and with no place to park, I had to leave home (he didn't have a cell with him). I have the feeling that he thought I did it on purpose, or that I never showed up because I was with my g/f or something. He seemed upset about it big time and still seemed upset when I tried to explain it to him. I recently emailed him telling him that I kinda missed the basketball nights, how competitive and fun it was. He told me online one night that now he's busier than ever - working fulltime and going to school. I understand that it's a reason why he's never around anymore, but the question is, is it the only reason? It's expected that once you transfer schools, your friendships with certain people won't ever be the same again, but after such a strong friendship that began in late '03, there's no reason why him and I can't play at least once a month (I put it in the email). The funny thing is that, as I said before, when him and I were very close, and I had so many friends around, I was longing for a relationship at the time. Now that I do have the relationship, I'm longing for friends again. Funny how life is. I love my relationship and couldn't be happier, but I need more of a balance between girlfriend and another social outlet with different people. I know I can meet friends at my university, but I honestly miss this friend of mine. He hasn't replied to my email yet. My question to you guys is this: Should I call him and tell him how I feel about the friendship? The last time I spoke to him online I told him we needed to save some time to play once in a while and he was like "yeah sure man" but something tells me he just said that out of courtesy. How should I approach this and when should it be time to say "the past is the past, time to move on"? Looking forward to your comments.

Hey Caldus. I can identify with what you are saying. I hadn't been in a relationship until now since '03, so I definitely had a good deal of time to get to know myself better and what exactly I looked for in a relationship. In my opinion, when you're in a serious relationship (as I am now), you don't have as much time for yourself, but you should insist on having SOME time alone. I think people need time for themselves, whether to hang out with their friends, cultivate a hobby, etc. Being single definitely allows you to grow as a person, but being in a relationship allows you to do the same. You could be single and see a friend of yours in a tumultuous relationship and say "Man, I'm glad I'm not in one of those," but you could also be in one yourself, and experience something that teaches you exactly what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship.

I agree with what DN is saying. I expected for there to be a divisive view on this among the genders. Lets get one thing straight.. I never said I feel I'm being "taken advantage of." My g/f never asks me to take her anywhere, buy her anything, etc. Maybe i'm just putting more pressure on myself to do things for her because I don't want her to eventually get bored or what not, I don't know. I just feel that there's nothing harmful about a girl picking up the tab for something small here and there.. I guess that until I don't voice my view, she's not gonna be aware of this..

Wow, could you have been more blunt? Thanks for the "encouragement." I pretty much expected a reply like this from a female. I'm sure that guys have a different perspective on this, so I'd like to read some of those. I'm not expecting her to come out of her shell financially. I'm just saying it'd be nice for her to actually offer to buy something here and there.. For example, buying the popcorn at the movie when I buy the tickets... or, buying a blockbuster rental one night.. something like that.

My g/f and I have been together for over 2 months, and I've loved every second of it. She's everything I could have asked for. However, one thing lingers in my mind- she doesn't seem to ever, under no circumstances, want to come out of pocket. I used to think that guys should always pay on a date or wherever they go with their g/f. But I realize that it's the 21st century - women are making as much as men almost. My g/f currently has a job, and she's known that I haven't had a job in a few months because of dedication to loads of schoolwork (currently looking for a summer one now). I'm starting to guess that she thinks I must have good money since I hadn't been working for a while, and that all my family members have decent looking cars compared to hers. My family might be a little higher up than her on the income bracket, but technically I'm broke. The only thing I'm hanging on to is my scholarship savings which are running out, and now i'm actively looking for a job. I know for a fact that my g/f is not a gold digger. She never asks me to buy her anything. She does often ask "what are we doing today?" but that's pretty much it. I guess she might feel that if I want to take her somewhere, I should pick up the tab as well. She also has 3 older brothers and she's the only girl (youngest), so maybe it's what she's come to expect. What do y'all suggest I should do? Talk to her about it? If so, how should I tell her in a way she could understand?

I've been with my g/f over 2 months, and I've never been happier. She is everything I could ever ask for and more. It's the first relationship I've ever had that has fulfilled me emotionally, physically, and on every other level. The past relationships were all flops with the wrong kind of girls - immature ones with personal problems that always had an issue to interfere with creating a meaningful relationship. I guess those were simply the wrong girls at the wrong times - a trial and error type of thing. It happens to everyone. With every day that goes by, I feel more attached to this girl. I've been infatuated by girls in the past, but I don't really think I've ever been in love. I felt I was in love with my elementary school sweetheart, but that wasn't real love - just a major little crush that we all have. Before this current relationship, I thought I was going to fall in love with a girl I spoke to online with for 3 years and then met in person. She was beautiful physically, but her immaturity, commitmentphobia, and personal insecurity issues sabotaged everything I felt for her - she was just a wreck and is still one to this day. I feel in my heart that I am in love with my girl now, but I'm not sure, and I know that she's confused too because she's never loved a guy before, much less been in a truly serious relationship of this calibur. So my question is - how do you know? And, if you are in love, when should a guy pop the magic words (Or should he?)

I think it's not impossible for someone to fall out of love for someone else if something happens IF they've been together for a relatively short period of time (3-5 months). But if it's been over a year or more, and both truly loved each other, then I think you just can't forget the person in a day.

Interesting topic. I remember having a good discussion with you two guys a while back on something related to this, and i'll join in on this one as well. I'll start off by saying that before I got with my current g/f about a month and 3 weeks ago, I was an avid reader of sites like double your dating, the seduction one, link removed, and others. Now ShySoul, I understand that you disagree with the stuff they talk about, and that you say it "isn't for you." And I respect your opinion. But just because it isn't right in your eyes doesn't make it definitively wrong for everyone else. It's very easy to say that something is not good when you haven't even tried it, and we do that all the time. I'm sure in the past you might have judged a certain food as being unpleasant when you hadn't even tasted it, or a certain movie/book genre as not being your type without having read or seen it. Being c0cky/funny, teasing, being unavailable at times, and doing all that other stuff to attract women works for many guys who are willing to step out of their comfort zone to attempt them, but obviously, you're not willing to do that because you feel it's not for you. We're all wired differently with different predispositions. You seem like you don't want to try it because you feel it might change you, or you feel like you'd be compromising your personal values. You guys seem to be arguing different points - Shy is saying that the gimmicks don't work in the long run for finding love, but Spatz is talking about the stuff in a different context - he says they are effective in the world of dating. I can level with ShySoul on one point, though. For example, I met a couple of girls from online in person last year, and i used those meetings as a good opportunity to apply the stuff I learned from Double Your Dating. It turns out that none of the stuff really worked - the meetings led to nothing. Now, this can be attributed to a number of different things. You can say that the girls wanted to meet a guy at their own convenience (one was a rebound attempt, the other had recently gotten cheated on) and weren't looking for anything substantial in the first place, but why lie to myself. The truth is that they didn't seem to feel attraction for me in the first place, and I honestly didn't feel the same about them. Thus, under those conditions, the c0cky stuff just ain't gonna work. Believe it or not, ever since I was young I was a really shy and quiet guy. It wasn't until college that I was tired of being a nonamer and decided to come out of my shell. I won't deny that once I came accross the DYD stuff and became intrigued by it, I did change a little once I started practicing the material. I became a little more c0cky and aloof around girls, but it still didn't get me anywhere. I think girls might have sensed that I was trying to act different. When I hooked up with my current g/f in March, I can honestly say that everything happened "naturally." I didn't have to alter the real me - she liked me just the way I was without having to be a bit arrogant, and I guess that's what ShySoul is trying to say. That the right girl will like you for who you are without having to change anything about your personality (by the way, I DO tease her, but in a playful kind of way she loves). Truth is that I was lucky, but, was I? There's a saying by Thomas Jefferson: "Why is it that the harder I try, the more luck I seem to have." I didn't try to deliberately look for a g/f any way I could. Instead, I tried MEETING as many girls as possible in school, in the gym, anywhere. When I set up an account on link removed, a girl who I knew back in 6th grade contacted me. We met in person and guess what - she is my g/f now. Realize something, guys. Relationships are very complicated. No offense to the ladies, but girls can tend to be very indecisive. Your success rate also depends greatly on the actual girl you're dealing with. She might like you for who you are one day, but another day she realizes that isn't what she really wants. I think your best bet is to be yourself, but with flair and confidence. Go out and LOOK like you enjoy life, even if you're faking it. I don't agree with what Shysoul said about all nice guys having confidence. That's not necessarily true. And what spatz said about first impressions is true. All in all, if you're looking for a harmless date, a fling or casual sex, the double your dating stuff is a good source. If you're looking for a serious relationship head on, there's nothing better than link removed and those other sites where you know exactly what other people are seeking and it's less of a hassle. Until next time guys.

Well, I wasn't with her that long... Only about 3 months.. I'm sure that if I would have been with her for a much longer period of time - say, three years - it wouldn't have been as easy. It depends on the circumstance. If the relationship is short like mine, it's possible to initiate a breakup and then find someone new that you gain genuine feelings for pretty quickly. However, if it's with someone you've been with for years, you might go looking for someone else after the breakup as a rebound attempt to try and forget your ex, even though you really feel nothing for this new person. It happens all the time.

I broke up with my ex two years ago. I am currently in a new relationship, and honestly, the best way to forget about an old flame is by hooking up with someone new. I still stay in touch with my ex online via instant message, but now her and I are both happy in our new relationships. Prior to hooking up with my current g/f, I went through a phase that I started listening to music CDs containing songs that came out when my ex and I hooked up, and it brought on a nostalgic feeling. But that went away sooner or later. The reason I broke up with her two years ago is because that infamous question started to pop up in my head - "Could there be someone better?" especially after she behaved so childishly in the early months.

I got into a relationship with my g/f about 2 months ago, and things have been progressing pretty quickly. It seems like each week we do something more, either groping in a different area of the body or what not. Me and my g/f have dry sex a lot.. She says she's not ready to do the real thing yet and she won't be for a while, and I dont mind because she wants to take her time and I respect that. We're both relatively new at this stuff - before this girl I hadn't really done anything major with any girl.. nothing beyond second base anyway. For the first time, I went inside my girl's underwear yesterday with my hand and I started creating motions everywhere with my fingers.. It was obvious she was wet down there, and when I've come within close proximity of that area and happen to smell, there's this odor... i'm wondering if it's the smell of wetness when the vagina lubricates itself, sweat, or a combination of both? It's definitely much different than the smell of a guy's cum - it's a much stronger odor and it doesn't smell as pleasant (no offense lol). I mean, from other guys who are more experienced in this area, they've told me that when a girl gets wet down there, it tends to be a bit "stinkier" than when a man does, and maybe that's what I'm starting to see now. So why the smell? I'd like the ladies especially on this forum to comment. Thanks

Ok let me give you all a quick rundown.. I got into a relationship over a month and a half ago and I couldn't be happier.. everything is going great... now here's the thing... I'm currently not working and just focusing on school (very demanding workload) to keep my GPA high for scholarship purposes.. I'm going to start working again once the semester is over.. My g/f knows that I'm not working, but she never offers to pay for anything. I feel that yes, the guy should pay most of the time, but once you're in a relationship, it's OK (I think) for the girl to offer once in a while. Maybe we're still too early into the relationship. By the way, she does work and I don't. She's NOT the type of girl that asks "hey buy me this this and that," thank goodness, because I can't deal with golddiggers. I really don't feel like telling her directly that my budget is limited as far as spending is concerned - right now I only have scholarship savings, and I try my best not to ask parents for anything. Should I start to worry that this girl might be on the stingy side, or is it too early to tell? She does buy me candy here and there because she knows I love them.. but I don't know.. She is the youngest of 4 - three older brothers, and her the youngest.. might have something to do with it. .. any comments welcome. Thanks.

I agree with Beec. I could add another example which is kind of different but very similar in principle. When I kiss my g/f, I sometimes pull away right when she puckers her lips. She doesn't expect this at all, so what does this do? Exactly, it makes her want the kiss more. Teasing works wonders, and being unpredictable definitely creates more attraction because it makes a girl crazy to know what's going to happen next.

I think that in the long run, trying to pursue someone who is already taken is a waste of time, unless, the person is having problems/is about to break up. But even then it wouldn't be a wise choice to hook up with the person because there's so much baggage to go around from the previous relationship. When I started college, I went crazy for this girl who would flirt with me a lot, but turns out she was taken. What gave me an even less of an incentive to pursue her was the fact that she loved him and was completely loyal to him. In my opinion, stay on alert in case something happens with that relationship, but continue meeting other girls. Try not to get too emotionally sucked in by this girl.

liasonred, I wish you the best with her, and I hope things are able to work out. My biggest concern with your situation is the fact that you might be trying to play the role of "savior" here. Trust me, I've been through it. My ex suffered from depression and had other problems, and I wanted to save her and turn her life around. It took the life out of me - eventually I had to move on. In your case, I could imagine how hard it could be being with someone for such a long period of time and having this happen all of the sudden. There's that saying that says if something was meant to be, it'll work out. Maybe you do need some time away from each other, and that will make you both miss one another to the point of solidifying your relationship with her.

stl, I know it's your decision, but I REALLY advise you not to tell her that. Not only does it sound corny, but it sounds like you're very needy and desperate for her approval. Don't mean to be blunt man, but I'm just trying to help you out. If you really want to woo a girl, do it with your actions - flirting, humor, a bit of c0ckyness here and there. But professing your feelings like that just diminishes the challenge and intrigue they love in a mysterious guy.

I think once a girl really falls in love with a guy, that's when she starts to think "Hey, this guy might finally be the one.."

In my opinion, this guy is anxious to have a girlfriend. I know this because I went through something similar toward the end of high school. I met this girl out of nowhere, started liking her, and within 5 days we were making out and I was pressuring her to be my girlfriend. She kept saying she wasn't ready, and that she needed time (till at least after graduation). I never understood why, but all along she wanted time to GAIN feelings for me - she was attracted, but she wanted to take it slow and get to know me better. I'm sure you're going through something similar. IF you're interested in him, tell him to either take it slow and that you want to get to know each other better. When I kind of "backed off" from this girl, things got better and we eventually hooked up. Good Luck

weakinside, You already know she has a boyfriend. She even introduced you to him? Why do you insist on pursuing a girl that is not interested in you, let alone unavailable? My advice to you is to try to meet other girls to take your mind off of her. Also, try not to become so reliant on meeting girls over the internet. Use it as a secondary source, but it's always more gratifying to meet people the conventional way. Take it from someone who has ample experience meeting online girls in person. Experiences and circumstances may vary, but sometimes you might meet someone from online in person that could turn out to be different from what you originally anticipated.

Be glad that at least she told you the truth, so you no longer have to waste time on her. For future reference: I think giving flowers and candy and poems and other stuff to girls should only be done when already in a relationship, or at least when you already know that she likes you. If you're unsure as to whether she likes you or not, giving her this stuff hurts your cause, IMO. It's almost like saying "Here, I'm trying to win your approval by giving you this - please be mine." Doing it too early kills that "mystery" that girls can't get enough of - the "does he like me or not" stage. Now, once she's told you how you feel, give her flowers and candy (1) if you feel the same (2) if you feel she deserves it (3) Because you want to.

Kyo, I am a firm believer that life is what we make of it. There's this saying - I don't know where I heard it - but it says that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'm not saying you're insane, of course, but the implication might relate to you, somewhat. Sometimes we have to motivate ourselves to get out of the comfort zone and make certain adjustments. Of course, I've never met you in person, so I have no idea what your techniques and general approach are when dealing with women. I advise you to make certain changes. Maybe you could try frequenting different spots for meeting women, other than just work. Do you make girls laugh? Women are suckers for men who can make them laugh, so maybe you can work on that as well. I'm not saying for you to change your whole personality - that's not what I'm saying at all. But if something in particular doesn't seem to produce any results, maybe you should look to make some minor changes.

This is true. Not always but usually when the girl pursues the guy, the guy is not interested in her the same way. Don't know why, but us guys usually have to put in effort to get the girl we really want. Maybe it's just the whole "wanting what you can't have" thing.