Double J

One of my mottos is that when you set your mind to achieving something, and you stick to it, you can achieve it and much more. If you're not happy with your appearance, maybe you should sit down and before anything, list a series of goals that you might want to consider for self-improvement. Believe me - I was shy like you in high school and had a very low self esteem, but one day I just got tired of it and literally forced myself to become more social. It worked. I'm sure you can do the same in regards to those things you wish to change about yourself.

For now I suggest that you just talk to her (as friends) and make her feel like she has to work hard to regain your trust, which in reality she does. The fact that you were in the same situation as her but resisted temptation, but she did the opposite, is an indication that maybe you care about her more than she cares about you. Then again, we're all humans, and maybe she just got caught in the moment with that guy and regretted it. Again, try to be "friends" for a while and once you feel you're able to trust her again, give it another shot. Good luck

Outlaw, you're right on key with those points you make. If you care for someone, and she isn't willing to give what you're willing to give, forget about her. Move on. You can always find someone who IS going to put you as number 1. Many times, the problem is that girls don't know what in the world they want. Some girls want the cake and want to eat it too, but when that is the case, you might as well kiss her goodbye and wish her well, because those types of girls aren't worth dealing with. It's all about equality like you say - the key is that both partners should feel like what they have is too good to be true.. That's when you know it's love.

It depends on a guy's taste. I personally don't care about big breasts. Average size is fine, I look more at a girl's face and behind. But all these features come in second. Personality is always first.

by the way outlaw, what's your AIM screen name?

don't sweat it Outlaw. You seem like a very cool and mature guy, so if that girl let you go, think of it as something good. She probably didn't deserve you man, and she'll probably regret it later on. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm sure you (and I) will get our chance with the right girl. Like you say, it's not worth pondering over too much, because there are so many other things to worry about in life.

Last semester in college, I became a little interested in this girl I knew for a few months. I could tell you this - this girl is one of the major ultra-shy types. Someone who knows her told me she only had one b/f when she was like 14. She doesn't go on dates, doesn't go out much, and she's the bookworm type - she is super intelligent. You guys might be saying she sounds pretty boring, but I actually became interested in her because she's unassuming yet classy, cute, and serious about her future. Further proof of her shyness is that when I first tried approaching her to talk, she'd barely talk back; gradually, she opened up and feels comfortable around me now. OK, to get to the point. One day I casually when up to her. Since we often studied together, I ask her "We need a break from all this studying. Let's catch a movie sometime." Some girls would instantly KNOW that the guy is asking a girl out in this situation, but this girl didn't seem to get it. She replied with, "Oh, that sounds like a good idea.. Maybe Juan can come along too." Juan is a friend she's known since high school and they're very close (No they're not interested in one another, I asked). Some friends have told me that she said that on purpose to avoid a date because she could have been either shy or uninterested, others say she was probably totally clueless. What do you guys think? Take into consideration that she's probably never been in a situation like that one. I'm not interested in her anymore (she's still my friend) but I'm curious as to what you guys think for future considerations.

The reason that girls go for the best looking guys is the same reason a person might look for the best looking appliance, tool or other item in a store. Or we can even use a car as an example. It's like shopping, pretty much. As much as I hate to say it, we're drawn to what looks good because it makes us think that it contains more value. And as other people have said in this entry, girls pick the best looking guys (just as guys do with girls) because they want to "show off the merchandise" to other people and exhibit their partners to show off. I'm not saying this is always the case with all girls, but many times, it is.

I agree with what raggamuffin said. Sometimes, people do turn out to be very different in real life than they are online. Think about it - online communication creates a sense of "fantasy" where people start to build certain expectations of the other person because they haven't seen them yet. They start thinking of the person of how they envision them to be; hence, idealizing. For now, I advise you to be his friend, and in the future when a meeting can be arranged, see how it goes from there.

You just never know. She might, but she might not. She might look at you the same way she looks at anyone else that walks within a certain proximity. You cannot rely solely on a girl glancing at you, you need to pick up more clues when you converse with her and so forth, like touching, smiling, etc. Good luck

I agree that it's best to be yourself and not try to pretend to be someone you're not. What a "nice guy" does have to change is continually trying to be too nice. Think of it this way - the girl you meet has flaws and negative qualities that will come out sooner or later, so there's really no point in being ultra nice until she's proven to be deserving. And even then, you shouldn't be so extra nice. You should stand up for yourself nonetheless when the time is right, because believe it or not, girls like it when you do.

wlfpack, hang in there bud. Being single is as big a problem as you make it. It's all in the mind. If you don't think about it so much and focus on other things, it's almost as if your mind flushes it out. Of course, you'll think of finding a girl and what not sparingly, but don't make it an issue. Have fun, enjoy life... Everyone gets their opportunity sooner or later, just don't sweat it.

I agree with fantasia. Kay, you seem like a very classy woman with high morals. Don't get bogged down - just have faith and it will come. Like Aragorn said in Lord of the Rings, "there is always hope." I don't have a g/f now myself, but I've really learned to love myself and put myself first before wanting a partner. And when you're able to do that, ironically, that's when the partner comes to you. But telling from the way you write, you seem like that type of person yourself, so I'm sure the right man is headed your way soon. - Jeff

Hm, something tells me i've heard this story before... I don't blame you for having high standards in the looks department, because looks do count, but you're putting a little too much weight on it. A lot of girls fall victim to this. Next time you see a guy who you're attracted to, don't be misguided by his appearance. Get to know him first a little more, and if the personality isn't appealing to you, move on. You just gotta learn to balance it out more. It comes with experience.

Gooner, remember one thing - the mind is a very powerful tool. I kind of used to be like you in that I was shy to socialize and would often dwell on it, leaving me depressed. But guess what. One day I decided to say "enough of this" and I went out, approached people, and started talking to them. This made me a whole lot more self-confident. It's all about having a positive mindset, and I think we all have the capacity to make ourselves firmly believe something if we truly ingrain it in our minds. What I think you should do is be more positive and do everything you can to get to know YOURSELF better and love yourself to the fullest.. Once you do that, you become more confident, you'll feel more comfortable meeting and loving other people, and if they don't like you, you won't care. Remember, don't think negative. That just has a ripple effect that makes everything else go bad. Best of luck.

I agree Mahlina. I have this friend who likes me. She hasn't told me, but I could just TELL - her actions convey it. The thing is that although I love her personality because she's so sweet and caring, I am not physically attracted to her at all. But I won't get with her just because she likes me. It's better to be patient for someone who has a little of everything. Don't just go for the first thing that comes your way.

How can you have a successful relationship if you don't truly confide in yourself? It's just not going to work. In most cases, I think people that emotionally depend on others just end up getting hurt in an unfulfilling relationship. The truth of the matter is that people who do have self-confidence also want a partner who exudes that same quality. I have a friend who tells me that she's sad because she feels the need to emotionally rely on somebody, and she can't find anyone who wants to volunteer. Who WOULD? That's just crazy. I don't mind helping someone and giving them advice, but being a counselor on a daily basis? No way. People need to love themselves and then others will learn to love them.

I've noticed that several friends of mine (particularly those that are females) cannot seem to bear the thought of being single for too long. One of my closest male friends literally hooks up with any girl he meets who seems decent looking and available. I have a female friend who almost went bonkers looking for a boyfriend, and she ended up getting back with the first boyfriend she ever had. Also, this other female friend I know apparently got so lonely that she started calling me her "husband" and also began thinking of some random guy who used to like her in high school, but whom she never felt the same for. It seems like many people just aren't happy with themselves, and this is a problem, because you have to love yourself first. I understand everyone wants to have a special someone (I do myself), but I don't mind carrying about my business without the presense of a partner in my life. I'm confident that the right girl for me is out there, and well, as I keep meeting people, I can narrow down my options. I think other people who are a little desperate should try having this mindset. What do you guys think?

One thing you have to avoid is losing patience. I've been in situations like that where I've been lonely for a while and I suddenly get overly anxious to find a girlfriend. But it's true what they say - you quit looking and then she comes around sooner or later. Just learn to love yourself first. We should always think of ourselves as "number one" and a partner as an added bonus to our lives. Just hang in there and distract yourself with other activities, but continue going out and meeting different girls.

It's usually easier to talk over the computer. Think about it. It's an impersonal way to meet people online. You can talk and talk while watching tv, listening to the radio, and munching on food at the same time. It's actually very convenient, and you can even get to know someone on a more intimate level (quicker) online.. Only thing is that you set the stage for potential unrealistic expectations

I recently met this girl I have been talking to online for a while now in person. She had sent me her pic, and I must be honest and say that the way she looked appealed to me greatly. Don't mean to sound superficial or anything, but she looked even better in person. In terms of looks, she's everything I could ask for. But here's the thing. This girl is EXTREMELY shy! Even before we met, we didn't talk much over the phone because she's not much of a "phone-talker" due to her apparent shyness. The day I met her face to face, she showed signs that I presume to derive from her shy demeanor. She had said that she would act this way in person because it's how she naturally is, but man, I didn't expect it this much. She's much more animated online. She would toss her cell phone from one hand to another in person, didn't make direct eye contact too much, didn't want to sit down either. She even saw someone she knew at the mall, went to talk to her without excusing herself or introducing her to me, and then when she came back she went walking ahead of me. (Another thing - she works at the mall I met her in. So the meeting was for 2pm and she arrived at 2:36. Her shift started at 3). I know this was her first time meeting someone from online in person, so it'd be reasonable for her to have the jitters. I spoke to her again a few days after the meeting and she said that she always acts that way when she first meets someone, and that it takes her a while to open up. She kept putting smileys, especially after I said that she's super sweet (b/c she says no one tells her that when she first meets them. I can see why). I said I wanted to go out with her again and she didn't object to it. What do you guys think? Did she seem shy or just not interested? I'm sure girls would be able to answer this better. Some advice on the matter would be appreciated. Thanks.

The good thing about searching online is that yes - you are able to search based on a given criteria you have in mind. The thing is not to search for people based on purely superficial criteria; e.g. the girl has to have blonde hair. Focus more on personality aspects and eventually you are bound to meet someone with looks that complement their good personality.

I have a few experiences with online dating/meetings. I've met a few girls from AOL (all locals), and like someone mentioned above, it is best to look at the meeting as a way to meet a potential friend instead of a way to meet someone you're going to get into an immediate relationship with. In some cases, I wasn't even attracted to the girl after she sent the pic, but I just met her for the heck of it because she seemed like a nice and caring girl i'd like to befriend in person. Of all the ones I've met, there has only been one I got into an actual relationship with (who I talked to for close to 4 years online before meeting -- long story), but it was an on and off thing because she was super immature. The online world is just a fantasy that leads people to idealize others. Face-to-face encounters are what really tell the story.

It's understandable that you fear rejection, but remember - some girls convey mixed signals without even knowing it. It's only going to get worse if you don't find out for yourself what this girl's motives are. I suggest you (indirectly) try to extricate information from her as to how she feels. Easier said than done, I know, but at least you'll save yourself from wasting time on someone who might not be "feeling it" and you could find someone better for you.

Good job. You expressed how you felt, she was honest with what she wanted with you, and now you can move on to find someone else who is available and willing to give you what you're looking for. Don't keep yourself from being good friends with her. I was in a similar boat my first semester in college last year. This girl I met seemed wonderful, and she would flirt with me a lot. I slowly started liking her, but I knew I had to put out the flame when she said she already had a b/f. Trust me man - it's not worth it to tangle yourself with girls that can't give you what you want. You're only going to sink into it emotionally more and more and will end up hurt for sure. Once again, good job in telling her.