Lily04

yeah, well he was sorta in another country, so it was a bit hard I guess but yes, if any guys are listening: do the deed in person!! It helps us out A LOT, things are confusing enough as they are, without you using technology to make it 'easier' for you, harder for us!! thx, lily04 [edit] and he was supposed to contact me by tonight to discuss said 'date' (when we're going to meet) but he never did. so I going with my instinct, and saying it's not. this is why it's important to a) do it in person or b) specify where you're going to go, so you give the impression that it's a date and not just some friendly get-together. Your situation may be different, but since i'm not very close with the guy, i'm assuming the latter is true for me. ehh..oh well. i've already gotten over it, wasn't expecting much anyways, lol.

Join the walking club, that actually seems like a good idea, maybe I should try something like that..except not walking for me, jogging or biking..heh. But the gym seems like a good place too..try being more friendly, striking up conversations about things. Last summer I went to the gym & some guy in his mid-30s starting hitting on me and I didn't even realize until he asked me if I wanted a ride home on his motorbike..I was like, no thanks..that could have worked out if he was younger though, and not so ugly. hmm..how did that work out..oh yeah, he noticed I was doing a lot of exercises that day & asked me something about that, complimented me I think. If you want see someone, you can go up & pretend you don't know how to use the equipment or ask them about it, how they're doing with their reps, or compliment them. I remember seeing some guys strike up a convo. and were like "wow, I can't believe you can do that, I'm having enough trouble with this. how long have you been doing that for?" or try talking about something random, like the latest American Idol winner or something. good luck! you can meet people anywhere, it's just a matter of making conversation I think. good luck, lily04

ugh..he asked me on MSN so it's sorta hard to tell, lol. but I don't think it's a date..just the way he said it, it didn't really seem like it..oh well.

wow, these replies are great! thanks so much, lol. I'm in a situation situation (hinted about it before in my other messages) although didn't want to post..I guess I didn't know how to describe my problem. But this is excellent. I agree with this part: "Once your alone tell him that you fell that you've been drifting apart and would like to be better friends again, perhaps more?" The advice I received from friends was to ignore it, not mention it, because it'd make it more awkward but I think getting things out in the open will make it much easier, and if you guys are friends anyways, then it shouldn't be so complicated. My situation is different though in that we don't talk all the time on MSN..although you said you did a year ago right? not so much anymore..you can perhaps msg. him & ask if you guys want to get together sometime, you've missed talking to him and want to catch up with things? this is a friendly thing to do, and if you heard from friends that he still likes you, then it all's good! take care, lily04

sure, you can ask her to see a movie with you, that sounds cool. Or whatever else you guys find interesting..I don't know. Maybe you can get a drive to the movie theatre as well. On the other hand, a guy recently asked me if I wanted to 'do something' together and I never even really thought of it as asking me out..lol. Is this code words for being asked out? geez..hehe. Yeah, I really am clueless when it comes to this I guess but anyways, she'll probably catch on better than me, especially if you mention something to do together. take care, lily04

Hi Sparrow, I often feel the same way..I personally don't think it's depression, I just tend to feel depressed at times. I'm not sure about your situation though, but if you think you have control over it, you might not need a counsellor, although it may help..I find it's often helpful to talk about things with friends. If you ever want to talk, give me a pm..even if you think it's irrational, that's ok, I don't care. =) take care, lily04

Yeah, I can somewhat relate..I often feel more down in the wintertime, not really in the fall though, I'm usually more motivated then because school is starting. But around winter because of exams & the weather I feel more lazy and bored..this year I know I was definitely depressed for reasons beyond just that (school mostly, I felt like I had no control over my marks..among other things) but umm, how I got over that..I wrote a lot, and hung out with friends when I was really anxious which helped..I couldn't confess what was going on, but I just played a fun boardgame & allowed myself to forget my worries and it really helped. I played until 3:00 a.m. I think, until I was so tired I couldn't think about it, even if it seeped back into my mind. The problem with me is I freak out too much & can't get to bed until I swipe whatever's bothering me off my mind..hence there were many times last semester I didn't get to bed until 7:00 a.m. or not at all..hopefully you don't have problems with that. I don't really know what to suggest..for me, I have to feel an inner sense of contentment; if something is lingering in my mind I have to solve it or else I'll feel depressed until it's solved. So if something in particular is bothering you, try to improve it, or solve it somehow, prioritizing your goals. If it's schoolwork that's getting you down mostly, then just try studying more & getting As again, or at least having that good feeling of control over your life. Perhaps an organizer will help..it helps for me sometimes. good luck..hope that helped.. lily04

Thanks for the post! Very inspirational..I'm not sure I completely agree with the message..but I do agree that personal determination largely determines one's success, and I'm glad it worked out for you. I'm *really* hoping a similar occurrence will happen for me as well, as I'm aiming to go to law school, and have lacklustre grades so far..but I believe if I try hard enough I can turn it around & achieve what I want. I still have another 3 yrs to go after all..life events are largely determined by human actions (if not entirely), and I think this can be a very powerful & positive message. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

I'm in a similar position.. I'm going to take my test for the 2nd time next month & have been scared of drivingfor so long. I *hate* driving with my parents, they are nervous wrecks so I've hardly had any practice. The only time I practice is when my grandma comes down which has been hasn't been much lately, since my mom got in a fight with her. I think practice is key, just keep working at it & you'll pass eventually. My dad has been tempting me with a car as well, I just want to pass so bad.. good luck! My aunt passed on her 3rd try as well, sometimes it just takes time.

What exactly would you like to know? what you need to be a psychologist, or do you just want to learn more about psychology? you're still young, and have lots of time to think about that, but getting a general book in psychology may help, or one centered on your interests. To be a psychologist, I'm pretty sure you need a bachelors degree in psychology from university & then a PhD. I think a psychiatrist needs an M.D. (so they have to get a degree to be a medical doctor) and then specialize in psychology, so you can prescribe meds (a psychologist can't prescribe medication, that's the main difference.) But look it up on link removed if you're interested. Type in something like 'career information psychologist' and check out sites.. hope that helped, lily04

Hi, If you're mature, which you said & it seems you are, then I don't think it should be a problem. I'm 19 and was attracted to someone who was around 26/27, and we would have probably gone out if there weren't other things in the way..right now I'm attracted to someone who's 23 yrs old though. I think it really depends more on where you are personally in your life & mindset.. If you're in love with her and want to go out, then I would say go for it, don't let age get in the way. However, it seems to be more a question of commitment than an age gap IMO..you said " I know that she wants a serious relationship, and wants someone who is going to eventually marry her." Of course, this is a goal for many people her age, it doesn't mean it's going to happen, or that you should commit yourself for marriage going in. You also said: "On one hand, it seems like I'm throwing my single 20's life away"..first, you've only known her for 2 weeks. Even if you were 27 I don't think she should expect an engagement anytime soon. Go at your own pace, whatever you feel comfortable with. Love should never be forced. If you want to go with her, go, but don't do it thinking 'she's expecting something from this..I can't let her down.' You can go exclusive if you wish, but don't think that this is now the road to marriage, you've only known her for a short time after all. Let the love blossom & then think about those things. If it doesn't work out she still has time. One of my friends is getting married this summer & he's 30, it's not incredibly uncommon. I know she has her goals in mind and that's fine, but she should understand your point of view as well, and not put so much pressure on you going in. That's just my opinion anyways, hope it helped.. lily04

woah! ok..well that's good you got that off your chest, don't worry 'bout it. First of all, I don't think you should be so caught up in this guy, you're still young & there's lots of other guys around yet, trust me. If he only talks to you about your sister, he might like your sister more, but it doesn't mean the world will end. Maybe he just doesn't know you well enough as well because you haven't showed him your personality & just tell him about your sis. I would also suggest to give your sister privacy (not listen in on her phone calls) because you wouldn't like it if she did that with you, right? Although telling you to die is mean..and no, you shouldn't, of course, you seem like a very thoughtful & honest person, I think you're just stressing about this too much. I don't know what to advise about your family, but maybe talk to your guidance counsellor about the cutting & he/she can help you out, that is not good. Or talk to a friend, your parents, they probably care more than you think. I think you're probably just feeling really down & don't realize how great of a person you are..do something fun, whatever you like to do, go see a movie & just forget about him, there's plenty of other guys. I know that sounds hard to do, but ultimately it's not worth getting in a fight & causing all this stress on yourself. good luck, if you need to write, feel free, although I'm not sure I can help! I hope that helped somewhat.. luv, lily04

Hey, I've always gone with my friends, and I think most people do but I don't think it's that bad going alone. I wouldn't think any less of you if you went alone. I'm not sure, but I think more older guys go alone to pick up girls at bars (not so much clubs). By older, I mean mid-late 20s, early 30s. I think guys in their early 20s are too shy to go by themselves yet, if they were considering it. I know a couple of friends who are in law school go by themselves on occasion, although they're very confident & talkative and witty and usually don't have a problem striking up convos with people. If you appear confident I don't think you should have a problem, as someone else said. I'm not sure if it's true with girls..I think most girls go with friends, although I've considered going by myself to bars. If you go to a bar when there's a party going on, because of a sports game [i.e. EURO 2004!! (going on now if you're clueless about soccer)] and just go when it's packed and there's so many ppl. they won't even know. Plus there's the game to occupy you and strike up convos. about. just don't be a wallflower, find another girl who's drinking alone or seems approachable & go for it!

yes, I think she likes you! ask her out

well you never gave us much information to go on! How does he act around you? Does he talk naturally with you, like he does with your sis? Have you tried talking with him as much as she does? But I'd beware this type of situation, you could end up hurting your sister's feelings if she really likes him as well..you know, this same thing always happens in movies/TV shows and such, where one tries to date the guy, then the sister gets all pissed off, and they get in a big fight, the patch things up & decide the guy's not worth it in the end because their friendship means more or whatever..but this isn't the movies, so it's up to you..talk with your sister and see how'd she feel if you guys go ok, maybe she's ok with it if she doesn't like him as much or likes someone else too.. g'luck, lily04

Hey, I don't think it's too sappy at all, just say it! Or you can take out the 'missed' part if you feel uncomfortable with it & would feel tense saying it, it's not absolutely necessary. You guys can get talking about different things after that. I think it's a good idea..and yeah, give her an honest answer, I don't see why not..unless it would hurt her feelings or something? I'm sorta confused why you should ask that.. But yeah I'm in the same situation, I wanted to get together with someone I talked with, but didn't know that well, although he said he'll contact me today & never did yet..so I'm not sure what's going on with that But anyways, I don't see what harm can be done, you can ask if she wants to get together to practice tennis or something, you can say you've been looking for a partner & always had fun playing with her.. good luck, lily04

Hi, thanks guys.. I don't think I need a psychologist, I can usually deal with my feelings but sometimes I just get really down..it usually doesn't last for a long time though. I just feel a lot of anxiety..and regret. I might post about my problem later on, but I don't want to right now..or I'll pm someone. I think I might just overanalyze too much & that causes me to feel more down than I should.. Well thanks a lot..I should know next week how something turns out, hopefully for the better..=) thanks again, sparrow

I need to get over this..lately I've been feeling such intense feelings of regret and loss, and stupidity for ill-made decisions that I can't correct. I feel like I just need to confess to somebody, to get it out, but I can't talk to any of my friends because they wouldn't understand and wouldn't be able to relate. I don't feel anyone can relate. I know I'm being irrational, but I just want to turn back time, to where I should have said something differently, or done something differently, that may have established something that I now feel lost... I feel so empty.. I can't even eat because my stomach is twisted in knots and everything is without taste. I'm going out with my friends tomorrow, and I feel like they're always shoving their successes in my face, because they're happy and doing things, and content with their life, and I'm not. I've thought about going to a counsellor but that would be a voice of rationality, and I just need someone to listen, not judge. I just need someone to accept, not understand. Nothing bad happened so they won't understand, but there's just such a pain within that I need to eject and replace with something lighter. I don't know why I'm writing this, but I don't know what to do. I guess I just thought writing this would help... I know if I try to explain to someone they will think I'm being dramatic, that I'm feeling emotional over something that's nothing, because I myself would normally dismiss it, but I can't get over it. I just feel so stupid..

I'd suggest for you to go out with the guy, you need to move on with your life & get over your ex. You said that you want to get back out there & find someone, and I think this is a good way to do it. You may feel that you're not ready yet but you won't know until you try. Go out with him & see how it feels, if you have a great time, then go out again & take it as slow as you wish. If you don't feel comfortable, then you can just stay friends. Good luck, lily04

cool, Ayn Rand is one of my favourite authors too! I read the Fountainhead last summer & loved it, although I don't completely agree with her philosophies. And yeah, INTJ is 2nd rarest after INTP, less than 1% of the population apparently fits that profile. I guess I'm just a nerd at heart, lol.

I never read the whole thing, but she seems to like you..especially the last MSN message saying she was going to ask you out! I bet she just said she was kidding because you never responded at first and she was embarrassed. Just ask her out somewhere, to a movie or something, you won't know until you try!

Hey, I recommended this to a person in another thread, and just thought I'd put it out there in case others are interested: link removed I am INTJ. What did you get? I suspect there's a lot of 'I' (introverted) people here..it may help in better understanding yourself =)

Hi scrop, I can't remember what my advice was, but it was probably something along the lines of 'just do it.' Now that I know a bit more about where you're coming from, I see how difficult that can be. I know the feeling you get when you feel you don't belong, feeling awkward around people and feeling drained from being around them. Since I find I don't get along with a lot of people I don't have a lot of friends, but a small group of really close ones. I can be friendly with most people as acquaintances but there's just something missing so that we can't be really good friends. I think that's ok, you don't have to click with everyone. Initially, my goal was just to make new friends and didn't really care about finding a boyfriend. Sure that's great if you do find someone, but starting out as friends is less stressful. Maybe start with that goal first, and then let it escalate if you wish. Going out with the goal of solely finding a girlfriend, as others have suggested, makes it more stressful & less natural when conversing with people. I think what will help a lot is joining clubs that really interest you, so you can meet the type of people that may share the same personality & you can talk with more easily. Going to the beach is a good idea, but it might be more difficult. Also, small talk seems to really bore me..I can easily get into conversations about politics & philosophy, for ex. (one reason why I loved the debate club) but they don't tend to turn up as easily in everyday convos. If you join a club, there's already topics to discuss so you don't have to think them up as much. You can just try to be more friendly in general, but I don't think you necessarily have to go all out & change your personality. I still feel drained talking to people sometimes & feel empty in conversations. If you go to places that you know you'll meet people that you can be more compatible with just as friends, you'll at least minimize that feeling of emptiness/awkwardness, if not remove it. p.s. have you taken the MBTI personality test? that may help..according to that I am an INTJ, which I think *really* describes my personality. Knowing a bit more about yourself can help..here's one good test: link removed I know guidance counsellors also recommend you take it when looking for jobs, and finding out more about yourself as well (it's on my school website) so it is used quite widely. I recommend everyone takes it, many people have found it helpful for a variety of purposes.

well I was never really attracted to anyone in high school, so I never had the need to repress any unwanted feelings. In my freshman yr of university, however, that was different. There were a few guys I thought about & were constantly on my mind & it was difficult because I was going through a lot of other changes at the same time, and it was really affecting my academics..at that time, I was able to somewhat repress my feelings & really concentrate on school. It was a pretty bad situation though so I think if I were doing better I might not have been able to..i.e. I was failing one class & doing poorly in others. As I'm planning to go to law school, I started panicking quite a bit...actually during that time there is apparently a peak suicide rate among freshmens which is why the school gave us an interim break, lol.. So I guess it wasn't just me..but, um, I think it is possible to repress, but it really depends on your personality type & goals, and I guess state of mind at the time..i.e. if you're depressed in general, it might be easier to just disregard feelings like this.. But to be honest, I'd rather have NOT have repressed my feelings, I think I missed something valuable in what could have been a relationship. Now I learned & will not repress them in the future..since you're still young & in high school, I wouldn't really try to repress them because of grades, there's not much of a point to that. Being with someone & having them care about you is a wonderful feeling, nothing to feel guilty about, so in general, there's no need to repress them.

Yeah, both ways are good, the first a bit more subtle..it doesn't even really seem like you're asking for a date, just asking the person if he wants to hang out, which isn't that stressful. You can even just say it as you did in your post: 'do you want to get together to do something this weekend?' and voila.. good luck! girls asking guys out is always awesome, shows you have self-confidence in yourself which is always hot. cya, lily04