Lily04

Hey, Please don't view the last 27 years as being 'negative' because you've never had a girlfriend. So many people seem to place relationships as the #1 thing in life, but it's not. There's a lot of other things in life to enjoy, as well. And you're still so young..please don't even consider suicide because of this..there's always the potential for change, and if you work hard enough, you'll see it. My advice would be: First, work on yourself & your interests and at the same time, learn to become a better conversationalist. The last point was a goal for me as well..Personally, I love challenges & learning to be more open with people I viewed as a game rather than some nerve-wrecking obstacle. And to be honest, I'm not perfect, but I'm not shy anymore (still quiet sometimes, yes..but not shy.) I think it's also a great deal about meeting people you are compatible with. I find when I 'click' with someone it's very easy to talk about things; however, when there's chemistry missing, it's just a strain and then I become quiet & it's hard for me to keep up a conversation. That's why, for me in any case, it's important to become friends first & have common interests, personalities, etc. If you think about it, it makes sense - aren't you more open & talkative around your friends than strangers? Just view meeting girls with the intention of being friends first..I find that a lot easier. Also, learning to read body signals is a great suggestion. I used to be *horrible* but after reading a few helpful websites, and just being more observant myself, I feel less confused about things..and how to approach people. Type in something like 'reading body language' on link removed & that may help as well..or this website may have tips as well. Maintaining eye contact is a biggie, and not too difficult if you're talking to an interesting person anyways. Lastly, appreciate the type of person you are. If you're an intelligent, sorta shy guy who doesn't really like the bar/club scene, don't force yourself to go there & likely be disappointed. Join some interest groups/clubs, go to company functions, do things that are interesting to YOU. There, you'll meet people who you'll likely find interesting as well. I think this is why internet dating can be so successful - you contact people who already have the same interests, and a similar personality (you gather) so it's easier to maintain conversation. I'm not saying the people at bars aren't compatible with you, but if you're a quiet physicist, for ex. you probably won't be attracted to the extroverted party girl that typically enjoys surface talk & drinks..so don't try hitting on those type of girls. Hope that helps..and don't give up! You'll meet someone eventually. I know someone who's getting married next month & he's 30..just met his finance last year as well. You never know when you'll meet someone, and you can't force love. It will happen, just be open to new experiences & people, and you're bound to find it! Take care.. sparrow

I'm sidetracking a bit, but just wondering, how long have you guys been going out for? It's just something I've been wondering..when you can call someone your bf/gf, as I just started going out with someone but I sorta feel like it's going a bit fast..I think you can essentially call someone you're boyfriend/girlfriend when you feel comfortable around them enough & it's mutual - you don't necessarily have to ask..but if you're talking about going exclusive, I guess you should ask..I'm completely new to this dating stuff so I really don't know.

Hey, I also think that she probably likes this guy more than just 'friends.' I think you should tell her how you feel, although she may counter back that you're just overreacting & such. But telling her that you're trying to lose weight & be more attractive to her, and that you want to know what she feels for this other guy may help bring more honesty into the relationship. I know if my boyfriend were doing the same thing I'd ask what's up..I don't think it's too far-fetched. Good luck to you though, and hope everything works out! Take care, sparrow

sure, that sounds great..people do it all the time, it can be a way of getting to know some people better in your class & perhaps even building a relationship in the process. Just think of it as a fun thing to do with friends, and don't stress about it, it'll just make you more nervous! And having coffee/going out for lunch shouldn't be something to get nervous over. Maybe say it casually like 'I'm going to try that place out on (blank street), do you guys want to come along?' Then they'll say sure, and you happily run along. =)

I agree; I also think it has to do with low self-confidence. I've never had a boyfriend until this summer, and never really thought about it much..I was always too busy with schoolwork & other things to really let it get to me. And I was never really interested in anyone anyways. I think when you like someone genuinely you'll know, and it's no use pushing yourself to like people you don't, just to have someone. It's not worth it..and for the people who feel like it is, they're probably too insecure to realize that they should look for people who are compatible with them. There are people out there, it just takes time. But now that I'm dating & see how fun it is, I can understand better those people that have difficulty being single..I've never really understood why it was so heartwrenching before.

Hey, Thanks again for your post! And sorry, oops, I thought you were a girl for some reason..I might've confused you with someone else though. But in any case, I think you're definitely right about the 'getting over stages' part. Now that we're more comfortable with each other & know each other better, I feel like he's acting differently. The salesman persona is dropped, and I feel a lot more comfortable around him as a result. I think the reason was because he really liked me & just didn't want to mess it up, so he tried impressing me all the time. Unfortunately, unknown to him, it was actually turning me off not on (well honestly..how many ppl. like to hear people brag about themselves?) He doesn't do it anymore though, or at least not in such an explicit manner. Even the way he talks is different now..before when he would leave phone messages they would be in a very excited, gushing voice which made me feel awkward..but now they're more calm... Ultimately I think he's liked me for a long time & so when I agreed to go out with him he was escatic and probably just tried to impress me, so he wouldn't lose me..ALTHOUGH it is also part of his personality. He still hints about the accomplishments of his friends & talks about the income he'll earn and such, but I'll stray the conversation away when he gets to talking about that. He's definitely not as bad though. I think he noticed that he was going a bit too far though, as well..the time when we went out & was bragging a lot and asked me why I was so quiet and such (when I had 2 exams that day & felt as if I was literally going to drop dead..well duh..) the next day we met, he was a lot more quiet & looked regretful and said he hardly got any sleep that night (which I could tell..) I think he also sensed he was acting a bit off.. But thanks for your message, it is good to hear a guy's perspective on things. If he gets back to his old ways (which he still tends to do around some of his acquaintances), I'll probably have to let him know to cool it down a bit..so I will take that into account. I know I could hurt him a lot if I just said it explicitly, so I will have to let him know gently that I don't appreciate it. I don't want to change his personality though - I just want him to see that being a little humble about your accomplishments is much more attractive than braggingabout them..

I was wondering the same thing, and I think the replies are right..they're basically the same thing. I always thought 'girlfriend' was sorta reserved for if you've been seeing the person for a while, i.e. not just one/two dates, but some may use it more freely than others. When you just start a relationship I think the person would use 'seeing someone' or 'we're just dating' but after awhile when you know the person better & the relationship develops, 'girlfriend' seems to develop as well. I was surprised yesterday when a friend asked the guy I'm dating if I'm his 'new girlfriend' and he sorta hesitated for a second before responding 'yes' and hugging me which I thought was cute. But just a day or 2 before he referred to me as a 'friend'..such silly terms =) I'm guessing if he's insisting on saying 'seeing someone' it probably means that he just started dating her (like a few days ago maybe) and is reluctant to call her his gf yet, or isn't sure how she feels about him yet. That's why I was hesistant to call him my boyfriend anyways in the beginning.

Yeah, I still feel a bit like this..although I haven't kissed much yet! But the first time was definitely a bit awkward, I think because it takes time to get the rhythm right..someone mentioned this in another thread as well. The only thing you can really do to make it less awkward & more comfortable & enjoyable for you (I would think) is just to practice doing it more often & eventually you'll get the hang of it. That's what I'm hoping anyways.

just thought I'd let ya know that the same question was asked on the "dating" forum: link removed That one got more replies. =) Hope that helps.. sparrow

I just wanted to add in as other posters have suggested, since it seems like you're unsatisfied with your appearance, I would definitely work on that. It will boost your self-esteem and that's important, esp. when you're breaking up, so you can handle it. It's just something to do for yourself..whenever I feel something is lacking in myself, I always try to improve it, whether it's looks or personality, etc. I feel it just makes me a better person overall & really does help me have a more positive outlook on life. Good luck, sparrow

Yeah, usually when you're looking at each other for a bit that could be a sign..although like the last poster said, some girls may be more shy about it & not give signals, or would like you to initiate it. You could try kissing her on the cheek though to start, and if she kisses you back (on the cheek), then move to her mouth..that's what my boyfriend did on our first kiss and it worked

Hey Lily (and if anyone else is still reading this ^.^) Well I had my first kiss yesterday! It was pretty cool, and I wasn't even stressed out, hehe. =) I think it was because we were both laying down taking a nap & I was too tired to really care, and he just kissed me then & I kissed back without really thinking. It wasn't hard, but our rhythm was off initially, although I started to get the feel for it afterwards. I guess it just takes practice But anyways, thanks again for the advice guys, it helped make me less nervous as well, so thanks soo much! =) See ya, sparrow

Well I wouldn't call my boyfriend 'ugly,' but he does have a nerdy look about him, and wouldn't be the typical guy you'd have a crush on. But I did..he is very intelligent & sweet, which is what I look for most in a guy. However, my sister can't understand why I'd want to date him & when I told her he's leaving in September, her response was 'thank god..' I am a little above average though so that's why..I was approached to do modelling in the past, and most of my friends expect me to date above-age looking guys. But to be honest I've never had a boyfriend in the past, even though guys have asked me (good-looking guys too) because I've never felt a connection. To me, communication is very important & if I can't talk to the guy openly & intelligently, then I don't go out with him. I'd say working on your confidence & social skills will probably get you farther than looks. But definitely work out if you think you're overweight, that will improve your self-confidence as well..and just don't wear shabby clothes, and you're bound to get a girl eventually. =) Honestly, don't stress about it, just work on setting goals and working on yourself, and soon enough you'll feel more confident about yourself & talking with girls, and they'll be flocking to ya in no time take care.. sparrow

Hey, don't worry about it..I don't think he'd be offended by that..but if he still wants to see you tomorrow that's a good sign. Just be honest about it..tell him you were a bit nervous because you never kissed before. He'll probably find it sweet, if anything, and think it's cool that you were honest about your feelings.. Good luck & let us know how it goes. =)

Thanks Lily.. I'm just so embarrassed about it. I know he really wanted to kiss me, as he tried more than once, and at the most perfect times, but at first I didn't know he was going to, and felt confused..and later I just didn't want to because I was nervous. I really wanted to tell him that I never kissed anyone before but I thought maybe I could avoid telling him that if I just kiss him later..which never happened. He didn't seem too upset about it afterwards, but I just talked with him over MSN a few minutes ago and he seemed pretty airy..I just hope I didn't offend him. I just feel so bad..I know tonight was perfect, I really should have kissed him but I couldn't..hopefully tomorrow will be just as nice though. Thanks again Lily..

Sparrow, sweetie, please don't be upset! He probably thinks you just want to take it slow & sees it as a challenge, don't worry about it! I would suggest that you tell him tomorrow though as you said, just so he doesn't think you don't like him or something..but he'll probably find it endearing, as another poster said, so don't be scared about it! maybe just ask him to show you how it's done..and enjoy it =) take care.. lily04

Hi guys.. another post so soon, I know. Anyways, tonight was absolutely perfect..we watched 2 old black and white movies, it was so romantic. The only thing was that he tried to kiss me (open mouth) multiple times but I was too shy to kiss back! I sorta kissed him, but it wasn't the response he was looking for obviously. I was just really nervous. Next time I see him (tomorrow) I'm going to tell him that I never kissed anyone before, so that way he knows why & doesn't think it's that he's doing something wrong. I feel so bad but am still so nervous! This *really* sucks!!! Anyways, just wanted to post 'cause I'm sorta upset about that..but hopefully things will be better tomorrow..I feel like such an idiot.

Hey lostrelic, Is your other screename Slagar? I'm just a bit confused about how we gave you advice on this, but if you're someone new, then that's cool too =) And don't worry about the dry lips thing..I guess it's a bit harder for a guy, because I *always* get dry lips (and hands, although I know that's hereditary) and just make sure I keep chapstick around anyways. Guys probably use chapstick too though, you could get the unflavoured type & she probably wouldn't even notice, if you're insecure about that! (just don't get one that's too smooth/gooey.) But I understand what you're saying - I would feel the same way if I never kissed someone for that long. That might be why my friends still haven't kissed yet actually..so maybe you should find a special reason why you should! If you're x month anniversary is coming up that'd be great. If not though, then just kiss her at the end of the date and if she looks surprised just say that you've always been meaning to do that, and thought now was about time to try. (or something like that.) Or just don't say anything & surprise her, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if she kisses you already. good luck, and thanks for updating us! - sparrow

From personal experience I see basically 2 ways to deal with this: 1) Start looking for other girls to forget about her. At the movies just be friendly but nothing more.. OR: 2) Talk and flirt with her & see how things work out at the movies. It seems like she is/was interested in you at some point, and so maybe things can work out with you two. I don't see how you have much to lose, especially since you're with your friends, it should make it less awkward. It seems like you really like her, so I'd just say go for it! Start flirting gradually & see how she responds. I know how you feel about liking someone for a long time & trying to get them off your mind. That happened to me personally..I took #1, because I was really depressed but after talking to more guys realized that it's not the end of the world, and I'll meet other people. That sounds pretty simple, but at the time I was really depressed and it was hard. Then, by coincidence, we happened to meet and #2 (go for it) sorta happened. And now we're dating, lol.. Even though you acted weird around you for awhile, don't think she lost interest in you because of it. She may have, but she may still like you, just as you still like her. So just be open to things & maybe something will happen. =) HTH, sparrow[/i]

Hey, I actually forgot about this thread! But I just wanted to say thanks, Sandra, for the words of comfort & others. We haven't actually kissed yet..I think he senses that I'm not really used to the dating scene although I haven't told him, so we're taking it slow which I like. It makes me feel more comfortable. =) I feel much more comfortable around him now than before though; I feel that he's trustworthy & so things aren't as awkward as before. I think that's the key to things..before I was nervous about even hugs a bit, because it was new & unexpected but now I'm getting used to it. I think kissing is the same for me..he kissed me a few times on the cheek last time & I kissed him back (on the cheek) and then we said good-bye. This time things may go further but I'm not sure..I'm not really planning anything, I'll just see how it goes. Thanks again for all your help guys! =)

I'd suggest meeting in person as well. For conversation tips though, just find things that you guys have in common & discuss those - i.e. similar tastes in movies/TV/music/literature/school majors or classes, etc. You can also talk about your goals (where do you want to go to school next yr or where does he work) and stuff like that. Don't plan it out, just take things as they come. =) Hope that helps, sparrow

awesome!! let us know how it goes, I'm interested. And there's probably people who are curious about the success of Internet dating that'd like to know as well, so keep us updated. =) take care, sparrow

The same thing happened to me..I just started dating someone 2 weeks ago except he's moving to a different country waay on the opposite side of the globe in September. We haven't talked about it but I know there will be hurt sometime if we continue dating..but we're still dating so I don't think either of us want to acknowledge that or care about it now. I think it must be harder though if you just started dating & are leaving in only a couple of days..that's a bit different. I would be more hesitant to start a relationship then. But if you guys really like each other I suppose it could work..try e-mailing him! That way you know he'll get your message. hope things work out.. sparrow

Hey Lonely, 1) Heh..well objectively I guess I am a bit above average, as I was recommended for modelling in high school. But I wouldn't say I'm really gorgeous or anything..and I looked at your pics & you look fine! You have a sporty look, which is cool, you don't look nerdy or anything at all. So that's good =) To be honest, the guy I'm dating looks sorta nerdy actually, as I look for intellect above looks anyway..and as he's a grad student, he's always spending $$ on books, never clothes. So looks is really only part of the equation. And you look fine 2) Oh, I didn't realize you were only taking one course..that sorta sucks. But you can talk to people from other courses..who are in a similar major to have some common ground. Or just start attending campus events, join clubs & such. 3) You may not like parties, but if you have your friends help organize it, it can be fun..throw a toga party or something! hehe =) I dunno, I'm not a very party person either, although once in a while I think it can be a lot of fun, especially with your friends there & for a big occasion like Halloween or start of school or something. But it's up to you..a good way to meet people from your college though. Just be optimistic about the situation, don't get too down & depressed. You're a good-looking guy, and have a sensitive personality, there's tons of girls who go for that.. [edit] also the internet route isn't too bad, just go for reliable, well-known sites. I was thinking of doing that as well before, it seems to be getting more popular.

OK, thanks phybrid. Now thinking about it, I think I did the same thing as the girl you were with as well - I just continued on talking as if nothing had happened. I think it was because I didn't want to show that it was a big thing for me, I just wanted to act natural..but I suppose a better response would have been to put MY arm around his as well. But as I said, I am sorta shy & new with this stuff, so I just didn't know how to react. But now I know I should just be more outgoing with this stuff & probably show my emotions more to encourage him..it's only fair after all. Also, phybrid consider the possibility that maybe she's not used to this as well, and didn't know how to react. I'm not sure what her personality is like, but maybe she's a bit shy/nervous as well..