cure_me

Hey, Thanks to both of you for your replies, they gave me something to think about and both helped. PersonalMe: I'm glad you agree that it's normal for things to slow down as we get more comfortable with each other. I know that he hasn't stopped caring for me, so I shouldn't be so paranoid. I'm going to try to relax around his friends so that at least they can get to know me for who I am, and we'll see what happens. Kurodashi: I agree that I need to work on my self-confidence. In general, I like myself as a person and I think I do deserve someone great like him, I guess it's just hard to get used to something so awesome happening. Plus I just don't have a lot of experience with love/relationships. Anyway, if I start feeling really terrible about myself I will definitely talk to someone. But for now I'm just going to take it easy and not agonize too much and see how it goes. Thanks again!!

Hi, I've been seeing this guy for about three weeks now and in general, it's going well. I can hardly believe my luck at being with him because he's amazing... and the first couple weeks we were very smiley and attracted, kissing a lot and he would say wonderful things about me. This hasn't changed exactly, but it's cooled down in the last week or so. I'm sure this is normal, and I don't want to rush things anyway. But I still feel unbearably anxious all the time, almost paranoid that he'll lose interest and break up with me. We talk about it when one of us is feeling weird or down and it's ok. So I can confide in him, but I'm still worried that his friends think I'm boring or something because I've been feeling shy lately, and I don't want him to start thinking that. I think all of the negative feelings and shyness I've had lately is due to this paralyzing fear of losing him. I want this to work, and I think it can, but not when I'm overcome with worry- I have to get back to being my normal self. It also might have to do with my last boyfriend, months ago, who suddenly stopped acting interested and dumped me without warning. So my question is, what can I do to relax and be myself around him and his friends? Also, since I'm lacking long-term relationship experience, what does a couple have to work at to keep it going strong? thank you!!!

Hi. I've been friends with this girl (she's now eighteen) since we were 10 years old. She's always had difficulty getting close to others, which resulted in me being the only friend who's really stuck by her all this time. I just want to mention a few things about her which may or may not be relevant to the problem- she's adopted, and her parents are reasonably protective of her, but she rebels, gets herself into bad situations, and wants to hide it from them- she seems to think they will only be angry, so she doesn't confide in them. She's rarely been very connected to people/life at school (although she has made efforts at times and been involved in activities). About seven years ago she started lying to me and my other friend, about anything at all, little things, big things. We were still kids and we confronted her about it but thought she'd grow out of it. We went to different schools for a few years until 11th grade, when she was expelled for falsely accusing a teacher of sexually assaulting her. She had in fact made up the story (a cry for attention??) and so she transferred to my school. She seems to have issues with sex because throughout high school she would date and sleep with different guys, some of which she met through the internet and were years older than her and seemed to have stability issues of their own. She would also make up extravagant stories about the sexual things she'd done and sometimes be caught lying. Finally, things seemed to settle down a bit and for about a year I didn't hear of her doing these things. But I was away at college so I can't be sure, I guess. Now, though, she has a new boyfriend who is ten years older and lives a couple hours away, but she refuses to tell her parents because "they would disown me". She's gone to see him while her parents were away, and wants to again, but I told her I was worried and asked her to please stay. I told her I was concerned, and asked how well she knew him, and she said that she knows him pretty well, she said she knows his favorite color and stuff like that. And she was serious; that is her idea of actually knowing a person. I'm hoping she won't go to see him this time- I explained that I worry when she's off in another city with some guy and no one knows she's there. (She isn't a very good judge of character, and she makes some very stupid decisions. I'm not trying to make her look like an idiot, I've just seen it happen time and time again.) But I asked her if she could pay back some money she owes me, and she said that she owes other people money and did sexual favors to pay it. I told her, ok, forget it for now, DON'T do that to get my money for me. The reason she owes me is she was supposed to come to an event with me and couldn't make it because of her impromptu hitchhike to see her boyfriend. And this is the other problem: her excuse for ditching me and going to see her bf was that she was in a confused state of mind because her uncle had just raped her. She told me the circumstances of it but she said she couldn't remember the details, she just didn't know exactly how. Now, despite her previous lies, I said I believed her, because I can't be sure if it's true or not. Obviously it's a very serious accusation and if it isn't true she shouldn't be using it as an excuse for something. I told her to please talk to her parents about it and anything else she needs help with, but I don't know how else I can help. I'll be going back to college and I'm just praying she meets some true friends when she starts college too. And yeah, not that it matters in comparison, but I don't know how I'll get that money back from her when she's that embroiled in lies and/or problems. I know this was very long but any advice would be great... thanks.

Thanks, you guys. I think I'll email him and ask if he wants to get together, for coffee maybe, and if that goes well hopefully we'll find out more about each other and go out again to do something else. I'll try to relax about the conversation stuff, because he's pretty easygoing and I really don't need to be nervous. Besides, I think we do have some stuff in common. Anyway, I appreciate the help!

Hi. I've liked this guy for some time, and he found out a couple months ago. Since then I've had more chances to see him and talk a bit, but now that it's summer we've only talked online. And it's just small talk, like, hi, how are you, how's work, etc. We obviously wouldn't talk about personal stuff since we hardly know each other, but I'm finding it hard to come up with stuff to say to get him more interested in me. I like him for several reasons but I need to give him a reason to like me, you know? Since he knows I like him and we've chatted, should I just ask him out for coffee? And is there anything I can bring up in the conversation that will allow us to get to know each other better? All the small talk is leading nowhere. Thanks so much.

Yeah, I also think you should go for it. She laughs at your jokes which is a good sign and you have the advantage of being in her class, so I say grab the opportunity while you still can. Just ask her if she wants to hang out after school sometime, something casual. I know you're looking for a way to subtly let her know you like her, but in my opinion, it would save you both a lot of time and uncertainty if you were more direct and asked her out instead. You've already talked with her and laughed with her, so why not make the move now? Personally, I find it hard to tell whether a guy likes me or is only being friendly unless he actually tells me. And I'm reeeally shy so I know how hard this is, but try not to worry about keeping her interested with an especially meaningful or witty conversation- just try to talk to her as if she were one of your friends, i.e., act yourself. I definitely wouldn't hold it against a guy for being a little extra shy and reserved on the first dates. As you get to know her it'll get easier. Ok and lastly, I really hope you give it a shot. (My senior year is over in two weeks and so it's now or never for me and the guy I like... I'm going to take this chance while it's here and I hope you do too!)

Ok, well something significant has changed since my last post. One of my friends told him that I like him. He couldn't remember who I was so she described me to him... she said he was really curious. That was yesterday. Today we saw him around a couple times but didn't talk to him, he was distracted by his friends and I'm not sure if he's figured out that it's me yet. I'm not too upset that she told him because now at least I have a reason to talk to him... I don't know how well it'll go though. I'll find out on Tuesday at school if I get the chance to talk to him. I'm thinking I should just be really casual and maybe joke about it, what do you think? I've never been in this situation before, with a guy knowing I like him without him really knowing or liking me yet, so any advice would be such a big help!! Thanks.... oh my, the more I think about this the more nervous I get.. please help!

Thanks Stratotiatus and Daeralic- I'm starting to feel more confident about it. I've never asked a guy out before so it will be tough, but I'm going to try talking to him a bit more first. I actually think I'm more afraid of being ridiculed by his friends if the story gets out than I am of being rejected by him. But then, high school will be over in a month, and I might not see these people ever again so it shouldn't matter what I do now. I thought of one way to do it- maybe I could talk to him a bit more over the next month, and then take him aside at the prom and casually ask him if he wants to go out (assuming he's not at prom with a date of course). I'm thinking of prom because by then exams will be over and it'll be the last time everyone from school will see each other (so if he says no, I won't have to face him or his friends again, and if he says yes, we have the summer). What do you all think of this "plan"? Good, or recipe for disaster?

Thanks so much Starkitty. I actually do share a few interests with him, but I don't know how to bring it up and I don't really know if it's enough to go on. The thing is we are both graduating in less than two months so there won't be another play, but there will be other school events. It's better when I can get him alone, but most of the time he's surrounded by friends. I've been in this kind of situation a few times, but never took any action. I really want to make the effort this time, because I really really like him and I just have to try and make it work.

Hi everyone. I've liked this guy, from a distance, for a few months. I was originally attracted to him physically- I hadn't actually talked to him since last year in a class we shared, and even then it wasn't much because we don't have the same group of friends. But even so, back then he talked to me in the hallway (falling in step with me behind his friends) asking "hey, aren't you in my biology class? but you weren't there this morning..". In the bio class he asked if I was on the girls soccer team and no, I wasn't involved in any sports. One other time in line to sign into an activity he jokingly stole my place in line but gave it back. So those were really short conversations. Six months ago at a costume dance I was really dressed up and he looked at me and went, "Whoa, fancy". Anyway! This was all before I really liked him. I have no classes with him anymore so lately I've been trying to come up with an excuse to talk to him, which is hard since a)no common classes, b)no common close friends and c)I'm shy. But last night I went to see the school play which he was in and was amazing, so I got up the guts to tell him he was really good. He was nice, smiling and said thanks. But I need to keep talking to him so that he remembers me, you know? I would love to get to know him better, and there's only a month and a half left til we graduate. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do? Thanks so much for reading this long thing!!