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cassiana

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  1. cassiana
    Dear Ticklebug While it is true that there are loners, there are also people who think they are loners when they are not. My brother was keen to live in another country and thinks he has itchy fet but he was folling himself and we all knew it but he wouldn't listen. He gave up his job and everything and moved. Six months later he was desperately homesick and now is trying to get back. I think my ex is also fooling himself with the loner business. He likes to be by himself, don't we all, but hes no loner. He spent ten days alone in L.A and he didn't enjoy it. Then one day he had a train journey to make and asked me to take it with him, for what? for company. Now he proposes to travel for three months alone, a guy with chronic fatigue syndrome trekking around the world alone for three months. As for a specific goal, Ive had people telling me that knowing what you want is half the battle. I also heard that if you try hard enough you can achieve anything. Is that just crap?
  2. cassiana
    My ex is an ex because of circumstance. Hes been single since he dumped me almost nine months ago. I have dated three men since. I'm dating a new guy for almost as long as I dated my ex. If his circumstance changed I hope he will come back to me. He's going travelling until april/ He will be travelling alone. I think he sees himself as a loner but he was only ever alone once when he went to LA for about 10 days which he later described as madness. So i'm hopinh that the travel will give him back his strength after his illness but also make him realise that even the lone ranger had a mate. I'm also hoping that I made a sufficient impression on him that he will come back to me. Am I dreaming?
  3. cassiana
    In the last year I had my heart broken by A, refused to date B, dumped C, was dumped by D (but don't care) and am currently dating E unenthusiastically whilst pining for A.I also have struck up friendships with F and G but haven't dated them. I also have a friend who is ten years younger than me. He is the brother of my friend and is home for christmas. We email each other alot. Hes called H. We are quite attracted to each other but would never act on it due to age, geography and the fact that it would upset me friend. We have never spoken of it either just flirt and touch alot. Over the holidays B,C,F,G have all texted to ask how I am and wish me happy christmas. E texts me everyday often and we are going away for new years. And H bought me a christmas present. D never contacted me and A used to email me until he finished his job in December but hasn't contacted me since. Why is it the guys I don't want are so persistent and the guy I want always so resistant. Do I have some sort of phermones that are released when i'm not attracted to a guy and make me irresistible? Do I have some other phermones that repell men i'm attracted to. Why is it I can have any man I don't want?
  4. cassiana
    Ultimatums are disasters. Never issue an ulitmatum. When you were in the relationship you broke it off when you felt like it but now after hurting you she must come to a decision at a time when it suits you. Because you don't like feeling uncertain. Yet isn't that what you did to her. I think you are being unsensitive and unfair. Take your medicine like a man. She may care for you but needs to trust you again and ultimatum will definitely send her running. It makes you sound very controlling.
  5. cassiana
    my girlfriend(as in platonic) left her boyfriend several times because he is so inconsiderate. She wants him to love her and make her a priority in his life. But his job, his mates, his family and his beer all come before her. Maybe your ex left you for similar reasons.
  6. cassiana
    I know some men like that. They have an argument with their boss but cannot answer him back and come back and take it out on people who cannot fire them. My brother's ex gf came from a background where education was not respected. She was the only one who stayed on until 18. I wonder did my brother's intention to go to university make her feel threatened. That to keep him she had to drag him down to her level. I sometimes read about spouses trying to make their partners pack on a few pounds to make them less attractive. Never underestimate the lengths people will go to control other people. To be honest I always doubted my brother's GF's abuse stories.
  7. cassiana
    I agree with wimpy. To mess someone about once is bad but forgivable sometimes but to do it twice is unforgivable.
  8. cassiana
    I like that analogy too. Could i had my own hopeful spin to it. As long as you have an ember and fan it gently you can bring back the flame. Fan it too hard and extinguish it forever.
  9. cassiana
    Heres my question. Which is more true for you "Out Of sight out of mind" or "absense makes the heart go fonder"? Is it different for the different genders? Do men or women miss their exs more. Do more male or female dumpers regret their decision?
  10. cassiana
    I wish my ex felt as you did! However I am dating someone else. At the moment I would take my ex back but as time goes on my decision might not be the same. Also I heard my wonderful ex, whom I cared about so deeply, saying those cold, cruel things. I know what hes capable of doing. I know if it suits him to jettison me he will. Why go back to that. Can I ever trust him again. Its been eight months and even though im still gutted the pain is not as acute. Im afraid of feeling that bad again. I must protect myself because he won't protect me. Hes only interested in himself. If I feel this way,then i'm sure your ex feels some of those things too.
  11. cassiana
    To be honest I don't like the sound of this.As you and most people know there are stages in every type of relationship, but more so in a romantic one. You never dated but sat next to each other at work and he proposes marriage. That's extremely, extremely odd. Then you give a very reasonablr response and instead of apologising for putting you in an embarrassing situation he basically sulks because you didn't say yes. Then, even though he presumably thinks he loves you,he expresses his resentment at another party being involved. I would advise you not to date him and make more people you trust at work aware of what he did because he sounds very strange. Tell him that you only want to be workmates. If hes acting this strange when hes trying to win you, one can onlu imagine how much stranger he is when you get to know him. Be careful.
  12. cassiana
    My brother's first girlfriend treated him in a similar manner. She had gynacological problems, claimed she hhad been abused by a man etc and she was 16, and my brother 18 when they dated. He had the chance to go to university about 90 miles away but she wanted him to stay with her. She dumped him when he wouldn't bow to her wishes. He was gutted. Whenever he would be home he would visit her. She encouraged him whether she was dating on not. When she was engaged my brother called to see her after coming home from where he was then working. She made moves on him. He was thrilled and told me. I told him what I'm telling you now. "Beware for that's one dangerous woman". He was furious with me, because he didn't want to face the truth. Yes she married the other man and they separated two years later. I think your ex sounds like her. She's using and abusing you. Shes telling stories of being damaged and frail but is probably an iron butterfly. She tells you she doesn't want you too close but is annoyed when you don't hang around her like a lovesick puppy. Then rather than admit it she asks you why you are being nasty. Shes manipulating you. I wouldn't go within a mile of her if I were you.
  13. cassiana
    I know what you are going through i'm going through it myself, eight months and counting. When I was dumped I didn't express my anger and hurt. Instead I focussed on what behaviour would most likely win him back. A male counsellor friend of mine told me that he had told his ex calmly exactly how he felt about her good and bad and felt he had taken control back by doing so. "But did she come back?" I asked. "No" he said. So I told him then his feeling of control was purely an illusion. He still wanted her and she didn't ask him back.She has control. I don't believe in closure. Its just an excuse to try and win them back one more time and that never works. Better to be seen to be getting on with your life.
  14. cassiana
    So what's happened in the last week?
  15. cassiana
    Its not easy is it. You follow the good advice but still you think about it. In so many aspects of your life you can work harder and be rewarded. However in love sometimes you have to restrain yourself and other times theres nothing you can do. I'm dating again but still missing my ex. I'm also worried that ill end up messing someone else about.
  16. cassiana
    I have had a look and given my thoughts. Do you have any thoughts on my predicament?
  17. cassiana
    Okay here's my two cents which could be completely wrong but i'll give it a go. Did you ever want something for so long and so badly that the longing wore you out? I remember as a child that I wanted a hoop, I wanted it for ages and ages and everyone had one but me it seemed. I remember i got a little down and then to cheer me up my parents bought it for me. But at that stage it was too late. Something else was bothering me and the good of the hoop was worn away by the exhaustion of longing. Your gf wanted commitment for you for so long that the constant frustration of her dreams had worn her down. Your good qualities were eroded in her mind by being associated with the negative feeling you produced in her by refusing to commit. After awhile you stopped being her nice boyfriend but became who denied her her dream. A dream of you and her together in a meaningful way. At a conscious or subconscious level you were secure of your knowledge of her love for you. So you ambled along complacently thinking that whenever you were ready she would jump to it. BUT your ex is a person too and she got tired of waiting and probably feared that her childbearing years would be wasted, you would never decide to settle down and even if she couldn't have children you could always have them later and with someone else. You were thinking of yourself but if she didn't think of herself then shed be a bitter childless spinster and clearly her happiness was immaterial to you. So while still caring for you but afraid that you would continue to deny her her family she very practically decided to double her chances. Now the fact that she was increasing her chances probably allowed her to relax about her sutuation and let her not push you so much. You sensed this subtle change at some level and this uncertainty or ,more relaxed attitude made her more attractive to you. So you decided to commit. But at this stage your rival had shown himself at least at this stage to be the more practical prospect. He is probably ready to commit. She may prefer you but fear that if she goes back to you that you will sink back into your complacency and ruin her hopes. So she is trying to make a choice that many women have to do. That's why shes emailing you. Does that theory sound plausible?
  18. cassiana
    I hope so. Up until the day he dumped me we never had a moments tension. Even when he dumped me neither of us insulted the other. I said I was upset and got up and left. He felt bad. What broke us up was his illness and his work. Now he wants to travel a bit before he settles down to a job. I just don't know if im in his plans at all. I emailed him monday, he emailed me wednesday. He should be finished work either next week or the one after. Will he just stop emailing?
  19. cassiana
    If you are not good enough to date, then you are not good enough to mess around with. hes probably squaring it in his conscience by saying that he isn't sleeping with you.if you want him back you have to show strength, independence and self-respect. Don't let him touch you. If it annoys him, tough, hes annoyed you more.
  20. cassiana
    That woman of your dreams stuff is her fighting you with semantics. It as you say a figure of speech. Shes only looking for something in what you say to blame you for all this. Did she not catch the first half of that sentence. One great thing about NC is that they can't twist your words.
  21. cassiana
    I have been dating alot since we broke up. I'm trying to find someone new but we were such a perfect fit. I'm on my third boyfriend since the split. He is nice but theres nothing like the easy relationship and chemistry me and my ex had. I just wonder can something that special all be on one side?
  22. cassiana
    If I've ever been mean to an ex it was because I was a coward. Too afraid to reject them properly. Too afraid to hurt their feelings. I have exs who contact me that I have dumped and I always reply. However I never instigate contact because I don't want to lead them on. I could go two weeks without contacting the ex who dumped me but then he will send me an email. So is that guilt and just trying to be nice?
  23. cassiana
    My friend's fiance committed suicide. He had it planned for months. They had a five year old child together. He kept boasting that he and Elvis had something in common. No-one knew what he meant. He meant that he was going to die on the day Elvis died. He cheated on her repeatedly. He left his son fatherless. The point i'm making is that there are many about blaming themselves in actual fact it was his decision. Nothing anyone could have done would have saved him. If you give up your happiness to stop him killing himself, he would do it anyway. Also there is a world of difference between those who genuinely attempt suicide, those who do it as a cry for help and those who threaten it to manipulate others. Which category is your guy in? Be careful, unstable people can be dangerous to others.
  24. cassiana
    I think you are right to try and sometimes people break-up learn and come back. They learn to appreciate what they had. That's surely better than staying together and resenting the other person for holding you back. I hope this ends well. I'm watching with mounting tension.
  25. cassiana
    Can I just clarify who you are replying to? Well you see im the girl and my ex is the boy. Do you really think its great that my ex emails me? I have kept it very very light, he even complimented me on how funny they were. I was hoping that hed call me though. I also suspect that being a man he sees nothing in my emails and as he plans to travel for 3 months he has no interest in rekindling the romance. Also alot of people have said on this forum that exs aren't exs for nothing and that if you show how improved you are they will wonder what they missed etc. All sound advice but my difference is that we were going fine until he had a panic followed by a relapse of M.E. this has made me waver as to what to do and what to hope for. I'm a determined and hard-working person when I know what the right thing to do is but here I'm bewildered and flip-flop between NC and emails. If I email him am I showing him he still has me, if I don't am I being like all the other people who abandoned him when he got ill. Will I ever feel secure with him?
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