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cassiana

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Everything posted by cassiana

  1. cassiana
    I think the answer to this lies with some of the things you haven't revealed. For instance the nature of the relationships you were bothi n when you two met. She returned top that Ex and lost interest. Couldn't she do the same to you again? And how long were you with the ex you broke up to be with her. What is the appeal of this Ex? Is it her looks? i reckon she needs time to think and you should keep your own counsel for awhile.
  2. cassiana
    Decide what you want from a relationship. If he isn't going to give you that then move on. I would not have anything to do with him while he's dating another woman. The fact that you see him while he's dating another and he tells you about her makes you his FRIEND, not his girlfriend now or ever. I bet he's not telling her about you. If you want him as a friend only then keep this up. If you want him as a BF then tell him that you don't want to see him anymore because its too painful and you are only interested in him if hes your his exclusive BF and you are his exclusive GF.
  3. cassiana
    You assume the fact that she ignored you is rejection. That's not so. Considering all you have been through together?apart lately she just didn't have the resources to cope. You ignored her too, probably for the same reason. She's probably think that you snubbed her too. It's hard seeing an ex but you can learn nothing from her behaviour as she can have learned nothing from you. As for the mutual friend, she/he was in an awkward position, it certainly wasn't a snub at you.
  4. cassiana
    Well when my ex dumped me unexpectedly he was totally in the wrong but his mind was made up. I was gutted and furious but I knew throwing insults at him was pointless. He asked me what I felt and I said that there didn't seem much point telling him. I got up and walked out. I started NC and kept it up for four months. When I contacted him again through I never mentioned our relationship. After about four months he stopped emailing me. He started again 3 months later. He apologised fort breaking off contact. Again I made light of it and never mentioned the relationship. After a month of this he actually apologised to tell me how wrong he had been. I replied by saying that he had hurt me but that I appreciated the apology. The moral of my story is never criticise and no matter how angry you are don't start hurling insults. When people behave badly they know it. They will apologise if they are any way decent if you create an environment that allows it. If I had insulted him or moralised or patronised him etc etc he would never have apologised. Does anybody want to spend time with someone who makes them feel small? Yesterday I found one of those letters I was on the brink of posting to him. It was full of vitriol. I had a stack of vicious emails saved too. I would apologise if I was in the wrong, but only if i'm in the wrong. Being big enough to admit you were wrong has great power, but if you apologise all the time when you are not to blame you look like a doormat.
  5. cassiana
    Dear Muneca Thanks for the hug. It certainly is a situation that takes alot out of you mentally doesn't it. You choose your words with such care. you pick up on everything they say. In the past month ive rollercoastered from, he'll definitely be back, to hes pulling away. A friend gave me a copy of "he's just not that into you", which was depressing and a little simplistic. I hope it works out for the both of us. Men seem to need time to work out relationships. Women seem to need time to work men out.
  6. cassiana
    considering what you said in your last email I would strongly advise you not to meet him. Voncentrate on this new relationship. You are obviously too attached to your ex to be friends with him. Don't throw away a great new relationship to try and ressurect the old one. Also stop ringing and emailing him. He should take the initiative and he will if he cares about you and he won't if he doesn't. Contacting him will only drive him further away.
  7. cassiana
    Dear Muneca, To tell you the truth I feel scared. I'm afraid that something will go wrong and we won't get back together. It has been a very hard year and i'm feeling the strain. I'm focusing on getting him back rather than speculating on a fututre because that would be too painful if things didn't work out. It has been a year since we've even spoken to each other so i'm even nervous about meeting him again, that's if he asks me.
  8. cassiana
    What are the circumstances of the meeting? I would definitely go if it was to a meeting where I would be shown to my best advantage. If it was a place where I didn't feel confident, then I wouldn't go. I would also pretend that the messy breakup hadn't happened and would never refer to it.
  9. cassiana
    Thanks for both your responses. Thus is my wee update. I replied in a cheery way telling him all the concerts etc I had been to, as he asked and I decided to put an X at the end of the letter. He replied as soon as he got it and his reply had an X back on. So i'm presuming he didn't X me the last time because I didn't X him. If that is the case then he's not pulling back is he? What do you guys think? Thanks.
  10. cassiana
    So i responded to my ex's apology. In the middle of my usual light-hearted stuff I had a small paragraph. I said that I knew he had been under pressure last year and that men aren't known for their multi-tasking but that I had been very very hurt and disappointed by what happened. I said that I don't take these things lightly and that in these situations you always run the risk of having the rug pulled out from under you. I said that I did appreciate the apology though and that this trip would give him an opportunity to clear his head and what is left is gold.I didn't put an X at the end. He waited about nine days to reply. the reply made no reference to what was said. It was warm and funny yes and asked me what concerts I have been to etc. There was no X at the end this time. I wonder why he has withdrawn again. I remember that during our last proper date before the break-up we got particularly close and I know that he doesn't really confide in anyone. I haven't replied yet. I wonder does he think that I'm in the bag so to speak and want to introduce an element of doubt. I plan a light-hearted reply that tells him about all the great gigs I have been to. What do you guys think is going on with him?
  11. cassiana
    That's not No Contact. That's some contact. Instead of using the phone or email you are using your brother. She's telling him stuff in the full knowledge that it will get back to you. You have reassured her through your brother that you haven't cut her out of your life, just given her the space she wanted. That sounds like alot of contact to me. This is the NC equivalent of dieters thinking that if they take leftovers from someone else's plate that it doesn't count. On both counts it does.
  12. cassiana
    First of all, congratulations on your success. May I ask do you have any idea why he broke up with you when you had given up so much to be with him? May I ask what explanation he gave for that and what explanation did he give for his change of heart?
  13. cassiana
    Personally, I'm a little soft. If I started NC and my ex kept tinging, I would eventually answer. But then I saw that film "Sideways" recently. This guy hurt the girl he was getting romantically involved with. She ignored all his calls and letters. When she was ready she rang him up and explained this and they were reunited. I think you could give yourself a little time to think about yourself and her etc. Joe Di Maggio loved Marilyn Monroe until the day he died despite everything she did. But he wanted her at home doing traditional female things and so he lost her. He got mad at that 7 year itch poster and that was the beginning of the end. If he had accepted her career he might have been able to have her longer and maybe save her life. Nelson Eddie Loved Jeanette Mac Donald. She was his singer and co-star and her career was as important to her as his was to him. But he wanted her to retire when they married. The result. They never married. In both these cases men wanted to limit women to old-fashioned stereotypical roles. But women like to stretch themselves too. I'm not for a minute saying you want this. But because you said you were old-fashioned I just wanted to give you some examples to make you think. If I were a man I certainly would be put off by a promiscuous girlfriend, however I wouldn't insist on a virgin either. All relationships are compromise. Good Luck.
  14. cassiana
    I was concerned when you said that you couldn't take her back if she had sex with someone else because she wouldn't feel "truly mine". First of all, that sounds very unchristian and unforgiving. What happened to hate the sin, love the sinner? Secondly it sounds that your love is very conditional if not a bit controlling. Thirdly. No-one is ever truly someone else's. We stay with each other because we care not because we are owned. It scared me to read that and maybe that's whats scares her too. You must respect her and you must not impose your value systems on her. All relgions are interpretations of God's law by humans who are fallible. Who is any of us to judge so harshly. You must love her for who she is as a person, not as a virgin. I think that you should ask yourself have you been a little too dogmatic in the relationship? If you are offering her a gilded cage she won't come back. A relationship should be about freedom as well as commitment.
  15. cassiana
    Thank you both very much for your great advice. I think the key note from both of you is caution. I agree with you Scout that his ability to handle relationships is a big concern. I do not think that he trusts his body anymore and tries to avoid stress at all costs.He will be jobhunting when he returns and that worries me.I also agree with you Muneca that it takes alot out of a man to admit he was wrong. Knowing that makes me hope that he has come to some decision about his future. I'm going to take my time to reply. I have already rejected a few drafts in my head. You always tend to be too emotive at the start don't you. I have to be careful because he has only apolgised for what he has done, he has not implied anything about the future. I have to say that I do not know if I could have handled all this so well if it wasn't for this site. It really put me on the right track. Thanks.
  16. cassiana
    Dear Scout Thanks for your reply. My initial reaction as he said "break-up" was "be careful how you react girl, because this isn't the end of this". Then about a month after the breakup I found this site which has been a real help to me. It was Beec who suggested that I email my ex last august for example. I think I agree with your suggested reply but for one thing. I really want him back and if I refer to his future relationships etc does it sound like that I'm suggesting that I would never take him back. I would, if I thought that he was sincere about wanting me back. It is really what I have been working towards.I think I will use large amounts of your suggestion (i don't know how to quote on this forum). He has had counselling before. Depression is a big part of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. You are working hard and you are cut down in your prime while all your peers move on get jobs, get married and have families. I do like the way you put it about having to work at a relationship and that it should be fun. Of course my ego was hurt. You both have a great time and everything is perfect and off he scampers, not because theres trouble between us but because hes under work pressure. As against that I know his illness is severe. He spent two years almost housebound in his twenties. I have been dumped before and never tried to get the guy back, but this guy meant so much to me and I know that he liked me very much. My big fear is, as you pointed out, that he could do this again. He is very clever though. He hasn't made it clear what he wants and he is sorting this whilst still away. Ideally this should be face-to-face. I'm cynical enough to believe that his apology includes an agenda. But does it match mine? I also know that had a weekend fling about two weeks ago with an english girl while he was away. They slept together but the next day he said something that she took exception to the next day and generally wrecked his head. yet he told me that he has had no relationships. I have had re;ationships of two and three months duration since our break-up but I have never menti0oned that to him. Should I?
  17. cassiana
    To recap. My boyfriend dumped me on April 3rd 2004 after a short but very special relationship. it was completely unexpected. He had made plans for trips for us etc etc. I came to the fairly obvious conclusion that it was a kneejerk reaction to illness (CFS / M.E) the pressure of work and stress at having to do a very intense law course for 3 months which he found difficult. He told a friend the day after that I had done nothing wrong. He told me as he broke up with me that I had been great etc etc. I got up and walked out on him. He looked miserable. He sent me some jokes by email over the next two weeks and a birthday card but I had begun NC. I knew there was no point salving his conscience and I did n't want to be a doormat. I knew also that the course was what was putting tremendous pressure on him so there would be no reconciliation before then. I waited four months until his course was over and he was back finishing his law apprenticesahip and then sent him some jokes by email. His reply was cold and mentioned his plans to finish his apprenticeship and travel around the far east. I replied saying that I thought that was a great idea and I hoped hed have fun. His reply was warm. So we emailed until december. At first I would email he would reply but it would fizzle out on his end. I knew from a friendd that he was very very tired and was staying in the office during lunch because he felt so tired. However around october I decided not to email him anymore. Then he initiated the emailing. Until december when he finished his apprenticeship and never emailed goodbye. There wasnt even a happy christmas or happy new year text. He went off travelling in january. I decided that I would never email him again. I heard that he was emailing his friends but not me. Then about 3 weeks ago, (early march 2005) he emaild me from New Zealand. He was sorry that he hadnt said goodbye and even sorrier that he hadnt been in contact for 3 months. I waited a week and sent him a very cheery reply. He sent me another email asking me about my holiday plans etc etc. I told him I was going to China (I am) and how I was going hillwalking etc etc that weekend. LATEST DEVELOPMENT Now I have just received a reply from him from New Zealand (where he will be travelling until he comes home on May 5th). He said he was sorry for hurting me and for being a ..... (rhymes with rick and bed). He tells me that he has been single since. That hes messed up doesn't know what he wants and could use a team of shrinks. He ended the letter with an x. He hasnt done that since we broke up. What is he up to and how on earth do I reply to that? What do I say? thanks.
  18. cassiana
    Is it best for you to remain friends? I'm mad about my ex and have written alot about it but I do not want to see or hear him ever again unless hes my bf. There are lots of people who can be his friend but it would be too hard for me. how would you feel if she introduced her friend You to her new boyfriend. At the moment you are giving her everything she wants. this allows her the luxury to wallow and not make a real decision. This is hurting you. Cut the umbilical cord. Do the NC. From what I gather here its your best chance of success and I think it has worked for me. early days yet, fingers crossed etc etc. good luck.
  19. cassiana
    You sound like you are making all the right moves. Where I live serious relationships at 23 are considered madness and socially very unusual but I know its different in the USA. At 23 you both have time and you really need to taste a few fruit to find your favourite. that goes for you both.
  20. cassiana
    I am confused about her parents. Parents should be for their children. If their daughter doesn't want you, why are they hoping that she will go back to you? How old are you and your gf? that is very significant. If your gf is going through a wild oats stage then her parents being on your side will only work against you. To give in and take you back would to be to lose face. It will look like they are getting what they want. None of us like that. if it looks like you are in laegue with them she may turn away forever. other than that I reckon that you are the perfect NC candidate. Do not contact her, be busy and when she calls turn on the timer. After ten minutes tell her you have to go. Do not ask her about her relationships. Do not tell her how you miss her. Do not volunteer any information about your own life. Do not beg. Do not ask her out. Read all the other mail here. theres a great one about winning your ex back. Good Luck.
  21. cassiana
    They always surprise us don't they. Nice to hear your story. It sounds like you are treading carefully which is the important thing.
  22. cassiana
    To me it seems that he is manipulating you big time. Hes testing you to see how much of a doormat you are. Can he break up with you and go off with another girl, have his fun and say sorry and have you take him back. How many times can he get away with treating you badly but tell you that you are gorgeous. Can he hug and kiss you and you still accept that you are single. Why did he say his friends laughed at the suggestion that he take you back? I think the answer to that would tell alot.
  23. cassiana
    Lord, where do you meet these scary women. I don't think you should have asked for space so much as a restraining order. I am not the clingy type. In fact i fear I do the opposite. That guys think I don't care at all because I give them so much space. My ex didn't use the term needs his space but I genuinely think he did need it. He had college work and travel lined up as well as an illness. So I left him too it. I havent called him since the breakup a year ago. He started emailing me about a month ago. I hope this means he knows what he wants and is not going to hurt me again.
  24. cassiana
    a girlfriend got together with her man at a young age. about four years into the relationship she dumped him went wild for a year and went back to him. she just needed to have her fling you know. anyway they are married now. i would adviise you not to contact him. when he contacts you be happy and bright and do not mention the relationship. get on with your life new activities etc. do not beg him do not criticise him do not try to guilttrip him do not apologise. be happy and fun no matter how little you feel it. do not volunteer any information about whether you are attached or single. I bet you will get some reaction. its hard on a person's ego when the person that begged to have them back one week seems to have happily put it all behind them the next. good luck.
  25. cassiana
    I know how you feel. I was like that for ten months. i'm still preoccupied with him but its getting better. I have dated five guys since him and i still cannot shake him. its hard but it ends. Sorry for not being more helpful
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