rainy soul

Hi, I was just reading over your post and was thinking how similar it sounded to where I was not so long ago. Its true the head knows the truth that the heart refuses to listen to. Remember that coming out of a toxic relationship is similar to coming out of an abusive relationship I stress similar...We are broken down and have given so much of ourselves that when its over and they are gone we are left not only broken heart but broken spirited aswell. I think that as you rebuild yourself your heart will once again have the courage to listen to what your strong mind is telling you. When it finally hears the message there is no turning back. Good luck!

Hi Everyone, Although it has only been a few weeks since the pain ended I wanted to write and provide some hope to those of you who believe that the nightmare will never end. When my fiance left me on New years I found myself in a new city with no friends, no life and no self-confidence. I dreamt of him everynight, cried endlessly, contemplated suicide, drank myself into oblivion and walked around like a half living not even person but thing. I tortured myself with thoughts of him with others, I felt thrown away, I tried everything to get him back and in the end...nothing. In the end actually everything. I reached a point where saving myself became more important than saving my failed relationship. I turned deep inside of myself and reconnected with the person I was when I met him except for, even better, I have learnt so much since that person that I was. The world is full of opportunity again. As a side effect of the breakup I was working out all winter and have lost alot of weight infact I would say that I am stronger than ever and because of feeling like I survived a near death experience walk around a little lighter then everyone else and am very thankful for life and its little beauties. Yes it really is like a rebirth... The rose colored glasses are off, the smoke has cleared and I can look back at my relationship for what it really was and not what I wanted so despretely for it to be. I can see that I was trapped and life knowing best made sure that i would be free from that and sent her message in true life fashion that it would not be easy but in the end the rewards would be all too sweet! When did we stop believing that we are not fabulous. I see now that I allowed myself to be broken down little by little over the years a sign that things were not healthy but a sign I so easily ignored. We are fabulous and life once again when we are ready opens its arms to us and opens every door of opportunity. I have filled up my own skin and find myself alone in the world but involved in the most sacred of love affairs...an affair with myself. That day that we all have or are praying for, that day when we finally wake up and are free has arrived. Not so long ago I could not believe that it was possible and it is...It waits for all of you! Lots of love to all of you

Ok I feel a little strange with this whole thing... I wount go into too much detail but lets just say that I was dumped 4months ago after a several year engagement. I have very, very recently been back in the dating scene (if thats what one would call it?) Anyways, I'm not totally out of the post breakup pain but I really feel that things have started to turn around in the past couple of weeks..were getting there! Anyways, I recently met a guy and have since gone out for drinks with him...he has also just come out of an engagement about 3months ago (difference is, he was the dumper) Anyways, I'm trying to find a happy medium between falling for him by force of association and lets face it it dulls the little pain that is left and developing a friendship that if "its meant to be" it will be, over time. I know that I will be leaving for the summer and have made it clear to him that I am not totally over my ex and am just looking for something casual...don't ask me what that means as I haven't defined it entirely for myself, but I know that casual means nothing too heavy, no jumping into another relationship! Does it really exist that you can spend some time with someone and maybe have a little intimacy without getting crushed or crushing someone else? Or am I just fooling myself? I really don't have any experience with the dating thing...its exciting but also unchartered waters! Any advice? Thanks...Ps there seem to be all these "rules" about dating, is it alright to ask someone out for a friday night date or does that just scream, I don't have a life?

HI alonegirl, I know what your talking about exactly. I too do not have many friends here as I was the one who moved away from my old life. My old friends are only an hour away but they have gone on a trip ...with my ex ofcoarse! But I have to admit that I have sortof just accepted the patheticness of the weekend...Now its not so bad but I remember driving home from school and feeling everyone else's anticipation of the weekend approaching, seeing people with their friends and loved ones having beers on patios or sitting at cafes and my big plans were to hit the yoga mat and head home for the evening to talk to my mom on the phone..excuse me while I laugh at myself. I have forced myself however to get out as much as possible, invite new friends out, do anything. In some ways that has helped alot because even if I could see my old friends they want the old me around, But the old me doesn't exist right now and I end up having to pretend like I'm doing just fine! At least the new friends so long as I don't bombard them with my heart break don't know any better and assume that this is just how I am...a little subdude. If you can't find anyone to go out with make a point of making an evening for yourself at home..Force yourself to go out and get a movie(comedy) and maybe a bottle of wine with a box of Kleenex to go with. I would personally recommend the movie the wedding signer as there are some scenes that will having you roaring at how eerily similar they are to our situations. If you really feel like you need to lay down in bed for the weekend then do that too...I did it for the first week after we broke up..I'm talking no eating, no showering, didn't change my clothes for seven days, just completely took a holiday from sanity, but you know what it changed absolutely nothing! Your pain is still incredibly fresh make sure you keep yourself occupied or if you really feel like you need to lay in bed for a week then do that but whatever you do, do it for yourself! Take care

Hi Idon'tgetit! Can't tell you how much it means to all of us heartbrokens to hear some news of hope... I have my own little victory to share on a much smaller scale and I will probably forget this feeling in a couple of days but carpe diem!!! I went on a date last night and believe it or not it was not a total waste of time infact it was fun and I laughed and enjoyed myself. He was also very nice and considerate and everything that my ex has not been...anyways, whether or not this turns into anything doesn't really matter...what matters is that this morning I woke up and for the first time in months didn't think about my ex...until 20mins later...Yes this is progress! I felt freed for a few moments of this torture and someday I will be free forever. Take care

Hi nebbish and Blackgoaty, Thank-you both for your kindness. I am constantly blown away by the generosity of complete strangers on this site. It reminds me of the good in the world and provides that all too needed shoulder to cry on... Its not that I'm glad to hear that he might me feeling some regret or that its been hard on him but in some ways it helps bring some peace to my heart that our relationship did mean something. In time I will see the true value of this... As for seeing a therapist, I was seeing a counsillor at my university. It did have some benefits such as being able to talk through my emotions without judgement or limitations such as its been three months get over it. In the end though I didn't really get the tools to help me heal that i was looking for. But maybe that is just a reminder that in the end we all have to deal with this alone...nobody else cries themselves to sleep with us or wakes up with a jolt at three in the morning and remembers that our loved one is gone. On the up side, we also are the ones that get to rise like the pheonix from the flames...I am waiting to take flight and am trying to make steps towards it. Thank-you all for your help pm me anytime!

Any other insights? I feel like I'm sinking deeper into a depression. I've started torturing myself with thoughts of him seeing someone on a regular basis. In some ways it almost would have been better than finding out that he has been sleeping around. Better in that him falling in love again would be the ultimate stake through my heart instead of having to first deal with him sleeping around coming to terms with that and then him having a new girlfriend. I want out of this...I want my life back...I want some hope that this breakup was for a meaningful reason and that our relationship was not an illusion or a waste of time...Sorry for the repetitive nature of my posts, this is the only place I can turn now.

I don't know...I think in many ways no contact has hurt me in the end. I will always wonder if I should have fought more for our relationship. Then there is another part of me that know that no contact means no hurt. Its true that I may once again extend the olive branch and be shot down. This is just really hard, i miss him and I can't believe that he doesn't miss me at all.

Hi Everyone, I've been thinking about sending my ex an email and telling him that I miss his friendship...something short like I miss our friendship, can we talk? I was doing no contact for a few weeks and then he called me. I was happy and confused and he made it clear that he was just calling to say hi. Then a couple of days later I found out that he has been sleeping around. I sent him an email (pretty cold) just saying that I wanted him to pay the money he owes me and that I wanted to come and get my stuff from him. He later said to a friend of mine,"i hope she doesn't come and make a scene, " which thank-god I didn't when I saw him infact I was pretty nice and asked him nicely to please pay the money he owes me. Anyways, a few days later there was some money in my account and an email from him asking how things were, just letting you know I put some money in your account and finished by saying talk to you soon. I just really miss him. I know that we could never go back to what we once were but I miss our friendship and I have a hard time believing that as we never fought he can't be missing it too just a little. Should I email him, leave the ball in his court or will it just end up looking like a trap, something he might take as me trying to get him back. Help!!

Its hard to say, I have been dumped in every long term relationship I have had and I have also been the one to initially bring up the possibility of breaking up and then within a couple of months whammo! On the other hand every short term non serious ie 1 or 2months not living together no plans for the future I have been the one that has ended it. It can go both ways but I have noticed a pattern in my life. I think we can learn but the key word is can! Like you mentioned its easy to get wrapped up in a new love and if your like me believe its finally the true love especially when they put a ring on your finger (like my ex) and although there were many moments were I thought or talked about breaking up because I felt like wallpaper in our relationship I didn't. Who knows but being aware of a potential pattern or problem is the first step to changing it...right? This is the first time I've REALLY identified my own tendencies in relationships so who knows maybe I'll be the one breaking hearts the next time...god it must be nice in comparision to what we are going through!?

Hi thanks for your input, Could you explain this guilt alittle more, have you experienced it being the dumper... I have never ended a long term relationship like this one, only short term a couple of months where I wasn't living with the person and I did feel guilty but also very relieved. I deffinately never went out and slept with the whole town. Thanks!

Hi Everyone, sorry for those of you who have read my pathetic posts and one possibly similar to what I'm going to ask but I'm 3.5 months into the breakup and I'm having alot of trouble finding some kind of peace with what has happened... Anyways (again sorry to those who know the story) my fiance and live in boyfriend of 4years broke up with me on New years pretty much out of the blue. Since then he has not spoken a word of it to his family and friends (which happen to be my close friends aswell). He told me on the phone (one of 4calls in three months) that he is a 'raging alcoholic' and has according to my close friends been sleeping with different women every week in his drunken states. I saw him last week and I couldn't believe how much weight he has lost. Not that he was overweight in any way to begin with but now he looks almost sick...In a nutshell I've lost 10pounds due to being so depressed and not eating etc etc, and when I looked at him part of me thought oh my god he looks exactly like I do! I guess I'm curious to know if anyone has any opinions as to what is going on with him. I guess i've been feeling like wow I can't believe that after so many years of being together and having a happy realtionship he could just pull the pin and never look back, and then there's another part of me that thinks well maybe he's been self medicating himself, sleeping around to fill the void and has lost all this weight because he's not doing as well as he wants everyone to think. I really don't know and I'm not trying to find some way to be with him again, I understand that it is over but his strange behaviour has made me rethink our entire relationship and has almost been more painful than the breakup itself...any thoughts??? Thanks guys, take care

God it could be me writing your post...lets see my fiance of four years left me 4months ago (on new year's eve) and has been sleeping around with every girl insight since. My list matches yours exactly minus the antidepressants...infact as time goes on I'm getting worse! Anyways, as for emailing this info to your ex the problem is what is it really that you want to accomplish by doing it. Yes, I too want my ex to know how he has destroyed me and have thought of doing the same thing as you. And then I realize that 1) he may not even respond to the email 2) he might respond and say get over it 3) I just don't think that if i'm honest with myself that I'm going to get the reaction out of him that I really want. I know there will come a time when I will have the opportunity to say my peace to him but I want it to be face to face. I don't want him to be able to hide behind an email. As many would say "its over he has the right to do what he wants, " but i'm sorry I don't treat people let alone those that I had vowed to marry with such disregard. Your time will come too...if thats what you believe needs to be done. Hang in there, I know exactly how you feel!

hey disEnchantid, Whatever I have left of my sense of humour is telling me that when the pain is gone (please god let that be soon) we are going to look back at these experiences and laugh! I think that in some ways the universe or whoever is protecting us from jumping too quickly into something else, who knows maybe something that is dangerous. I would imagine that like myself you are not over your breakup...this is where it sucks because we feel like we have been thrown away by our exs and then we go out into the world and feel like we suffer that same rejection all over again...but in the end are you really ready to jump into anything...for as much as I would love someone to come and erase my ex I know that that is not a good idea. Take care

Hi disenchanted, I had to laugh when you said that you were talking to some guys last night and they didn't seem interested as this happens time and time again to me. I think without realizing we are somehow sending out the damaged goods message. Yes re-entering the dating world sucks at this point...I know for me I almost felt agressed that other man could now put their hands on me and I felt heart sick everytime I saw a young little 18year old girl shaking her thing...I would think yup he could be sleeping with someone just like her...anyways, I really think that talking to a therapist is a good idea especially if you feel uncomfortable turning to your friends..I know I do! Take care