cassiana

I think alot of self-help books come up with one pithy quote and hang a book around it and make a fortune. As you said anyone can do that. How about "look inward to move forward", and its sequel "I'm still looking inward to move forward". All Love is selfish. All love is manipulation whether conscious on unconscious. When we care too much for someone we might drive them away when we are indifferent they are intrigued. This means that if you bubmble honestly through your love life you will end up being chased by those you hate and chasing those who will grow to hate you. Why not harness the knowledge out there and make it work for you. If you want a good job you don't go a job is a special thing that just happens. You put alot of time and effort into it. Love is as important so why not be able to work at that rather than relying on some mysterious alchemy. Should I build a love reume, go out looking for suitable candidates and what can I do to achieve my goals. There is someone I would like to win back but I think he's not ready yet to settle down. So If there was a tactic I could use to change that I would. However I'm looking for someone good, it need not necessarily be him.

I have read alot of books about love, getting people back etc. They all seem to say the same thing. They say that love should be mutually beneficial. That they will love you if they know you will love and support them etc. Also that you should tell them when you are angry so that they respect you. That you should let them do things for you. has anyone out there anything to add?

I don't think he's hurting. I thinks he's glad to be rid of me. I don't even think he read all my messages. I think the only thing he's concerned about is preserving his nice guy with an illness image. He may fear that he has blown it with our mutual friend. He may also be annoted that he couldn't string me along for a few more months before he gets organised. Anyway there would always be something. I saw his holiday snaps last week. Him with various bunches of passing strangers. That's about all he can manage. People who will go five miles down the road with him and then leave. I don't think he cares the slightest about me or what he has done.

Well I did confront him as best I could via text message. I have written it all in the forum getting back together under the title, after 14 months my ex wants to meet . He basically told me that he has changed his mind again and doesn't want me. I have expressed all my anger at him and his awful treatment of me. It's the first time I have shown him my anger. I would like you guys to read it and give me his perspective on it. To me it seems that I will never hear from him again. And to think two weeks ago he was holding my knee! Please make sense of this for me. thanks.

Well folks. After 8 days of no contact I decided to text him. It was thursday and we were supposed to have our nice weekend this saturday. My text "I presume that you have also changed your mind about the weekend I should "definitely"keep free. yet again you havent had the courtesy to tell me" his reply 20 minutes later "guilty as charged. you're a really fab person Cassiana. and i'm a real mess. best wishes to you. You deserve only happiness. xx D" My immediate reply/ "What's that supposed to mean?" After one hour I sent it again. When I got no reply I sent this in the morning. "I'm going to ask this again as calmly as possible. What's that supposed to mean?" His reply. " I should have phoned you Cassiana. Sorry! I did change my mind. Look i dont want a relationship. i just want friends. but i don't think we can be just friends." My reply. "I'ts always about you isn't it? it has never occurred to you that I am in pain?" His reply Cassiana i'm sorry if i hurt you. again O only wanted to meet up. no more. i was stupid. I was wrong!" My reply. "a text aplogy how classy. how classy to be told im surplus to requirements by cowardly text. thanks for boosting my ego cassiana now go away i must think about myself all the time. god i'm going to be sick. yes you f8888 did hurt me. i was doing fine without you but you started stringing me along last february. changed your mind when you came back and tried to wriggle out of it by clever wording. you have broken several promises and hurt me. im one of the best things that will ever happen to you but u f***** up. i was kind, hfunny patient generous easygoing. all you had to do was be kind to me. all i get from you is ignorance and rejection and by text a new male low. the most cowardly self centred means of all. the one thing you had going for you is that people thought u wer a nice decent guy. can anyone think that now? can you still say that about yourself? well can you? can you even justify your behaviour can you? I don't know if he read all that because he never replied. Its the first time I have expressed any anger towards him. If someone said all that to me I would never contact them again. So I guess he's gone. I think that he was stringing me along. He cannot deal with a relationship now but would like to have an option on me in the future. He kept flip/flopping. It was practically on an hourly basis towards the end. It was very cruel on me. So I guess that's the end of my story. I'm very sad. I did everything by the book and I still got treated appallingly. How can I ever meet or trust a man again? I would like to think my ex is suffering but the man seems to have no feeling or conscience.

The reason people are never picked out as being addicted to trees is because nobody is offended if you like trees alot. You can become addicted to anything. Its a comfort. The thing is if something gives you comfort, you will still wanted to be comforted at 45. Age doesn't make life easier, it makes it harder and you may need it even more. Weakness often is pathetic. It's pathetic that I have ten handbags and bought another today. It's pathetic that my father smokes behind my mother's back. It's pathetic that my obese aunt stuffs herself at night and pretends to be mystified at the weight gain. But we are human, we are weak and if my bags help me get through another weak without hurting anyone so be it. I dislike porn. I don't like watching it. But I don't think those that do are evil. And if some people get stupid unrealistiv notions about women from it, then it says something about them not the porn and all who watch it. Would you ban medicine because some people abuse it. Ban chocolate because some people are allergic?

Thanks for that Seren. It's funny but I do think of it as me versus his demons. It's also uncanny that your Bf is also studying law. It is often the smartest people who hurt the most. They think too much. As a teenager I used to worry about my weight so much that it dictated alot of things I did. So I can understand what its like to be so stuck in a negative thought pattern. When you come out of it you wonder what the hell was the matter with you. I suppose that's why I have cut him so much slack. I suppose somewhere deep down he knows what I feel. It just needs to become a reality for him. I suppose you are right. He wouldn't contact me again if he didn't care. Even as he dumped me he told me that I had been good for him. I hope his weekend away will have cheered him up. It's bad to be on your own but that's what he wanted. On Friday I emailed him a photo of my cool dude younger brother staring ecstatically into the eyes of his first baby daughter. I'm trying to wrap my family around him. He's never met any yet but I have brought them alive with descriptions. I'm hoping that this will help.

I do not believe in The One. I thinks its a dangerous concept. If we all held out for The Job, we would starve to death. Relationships are hard and there are no hard and fast rules. I have read the book, hes just not that into you and it annoys me how its touted as the answer. It was like going to your brother for advice and your brother not wanting to listen to you and your complexities just insensitively says, he's not that into you just to get rid of you. Rain forest have been destroyed churning out pap to make pseudopsychologists rich by preying on people looking for answers. each one of these books have one catchphrase and they hang a book around it. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I'm okay, you're okay, Feel the fear and do it anyway, Hell I could make up something equally as trite How about When love flies in, doubt runs out. I would also point out that though books have indicated to the contrary I as a woman can read a map and I drive a stick shift. My ex was special to me and I know he's wrestling with issues now. I do feel that we humans tend to judge ourselves in different ways. We judge ourselves by our own standards, by comparison by others and by the judgement other people tend to reflect back on us. My Ex fails by his own standards. He is not healthy, his ambitious law career has been thwarted and he has no money. My ex compares himself to his peers and family. they are all succsessful, mainly married and in control of their lives. My ex sees concern in his parents eyes and then the eyes of his family. He also preceives some embarrassment there. Amongst his male friends he sees casual indifference and a hope that the conversation won't deteriorate to being personal. Amongst his female friends he sees concern, even pity.They try to feed up his thin frame and urge him to get jobhunting etc. And then there's me. He sees that I like him, listen to what he says, am impressed by all he has done and am very attracted to him. I wonder will he one day believe that I believe in him and then believe in himself as a result. I wonder will that bring us together.

I disagree with the idea that porn cannot be an addiction. Some people wash their hands so much they bleed. Would you tell them that its something they merely choose to do and why can't they stop? I'm disturbed by the mixed standards in this relationship. You never mention what happen to the father of your child. But has been pointed out living in sin is not a problem for you but his porn is. Now I don't really object to either as they don't seem to be harming anyone in this instance but to condone one and condemn the other could be construed as hypocritical.

Then you need proof. I mean it must be pretty standard that when a parent is confronted by social services that the parent will deny it. Surely Social Services isn't that easily fooled! You need to get proof. Also practically every family is dysfunctional in some way but everyone deies it. Secrets and lies. Chances are at least one of the friend you think are having a "normal" family life are in is much dire trouble as you. Have you talked ot anyone at school or even someone in the medical or religious line. What about helplines?

I think my ex thinks he is weak and a bit of a failure. He had just finished his law degree when he got ill. Now he's 33 and just qualified but unemployed. I think he's great. I think he has really achieved alot despite the nine years he has been held back by chronic fatigue syndrome. He coped with the illness, not knowing what it was and thinking maybe that you were dying, the stigma of people not recognising it as a proper illness. He went back when he was able and finished his course and came top of his class. The first time he really opened up to me I was really sympathetic and he had tears in his eyes. Then he dumped me. Last saturday was the first time in 14 months that we met.It was he who initiated our meeting. He told me even more and I told him I understood. He said he tried to hide the extent of his illness while we were dating because he didn't want to appear weak. I told him I didn't think he was weak and there was no need to impress me, that I was already impressed.He told me he doesn't really have anyone to talk to. I said relationships areas much about bad moods, silence and gas as they are about bad times. He was really touched but hasn't contacted me since wednesday and then only to cancel an arrangement. Do you think he could be pulling back because he's embarrassed to have shown so much or what? Do you think he will ever let his guard down and what on earth does he feel for me?

Now just to complicate things, what if you have a low opinion of yourself and what you can provide. Would you still fall in love with that person who seems to have such a good opinion of you? Or would you think, she must be nuts, doesn't she see what loser I am. Or (to overuse or and make it even more complicated) would you eventually believe that her good opinion of you was the truer one?

If someone you liked and were attracted to you made it clear that they thought that you were great and as you gradually revealed your weaknesses they still thought you were great, do you think that you would fall in love them?

I would ask him back. As addictions go this one is relatively harmless. Here's this great guy with just one flaw and you make him feel ashamed and dirty. I feel very sorry for him. He was so accepting of you and your son and you couldn't accept his weakness. I think the person who told you did you no favours and I would question their motives. I thought the bible and most other religions tell you to forgive and also to hate the sin but love the sinner. I cannot believe you were so hard on him. If It was sex or child pornongraphy I would agree with you but some men enjoy a little porn and it is not a reflection on your relationship. Take him back, apologise for overreacting I beg you. He even went into a programme to please you. Are you so free from sin that you can cast such big rocks?

I think your ex is in an either or situation. She likes you but saw her relationship with you as totally focussing on you and no-one else even though you told her that was unhealthy. Haven't you been proven right. Now she's going out with her friend and making up for lost time. It seems to me that she will probably get tired of that scene. What she needs to do is learn that rather than focussing on one life she can combine the two in a very pleasant way. Also she is 19. I don't agree with now or never ultimatums in every situation. Sometimes they are perfect to give some one a jolt. But if you dish it out too soon or in an inappropriate situation you will get a no! Ultimatums make the person giving the ultimatum sound like a bossy bully alot of the time. If I was dithering and someone did that to me it would put me right off. With people you have to be more subtle. I think you should let her catch you eyeing up other women. See what reaction that gets you.

Dear Volution, I think with this guy, the depression isn't chemical in nature but as a reaction to stressful situations as he is in now. I could help with this situation if he let me. After all I'm really the only one he confided in. I want to be supportive but if i'm too much the doormat I will only earn his contempt. If he contacts me next week should I mention the fact that he promised to call and didn't. The fact that he's pulling back even though he came after me. I thought we had made such inroads last saturday. I don't want to patronise him either I want us both to maintain our dignity in this situation. Do you think with cfs there is any room in his heart for me?

Thanks for your replies. The thing is the depression is just a symptom of his illness. He actually has chronic fatigue syndrome. Up to the age of 24 he was grade A student and very active in sports. He had finished his law degree and got this flu that just wouldn't go. It sapped his energy and he lost stones in weight. He had to give up his law career and was housebound for 2 years. Finallt it was diagnosed. He developed a diet and excercise routine that helps keep it at bay but you never recover. At 30 he felt strong enough to return to law but its been very hard. He still got top of his class but would leave him so exhausted that he couldn't leave the house. Its like malaria, it comes and goes in bouts. When he's healthy he treats me really well. He opens doors worries if im cold, hungry thirsty etc. He even sends me texts thanking me for a nice time etc etc. He cooks me dinner and buys me flowers.When he's ill he just withdraws. He did attend a therapist years ago to help him cope with the drastic change in his lifestyle that this awful illness causes him. I don't think he is on medication but then, he may not have revealed it yet. Also it may be at odds with his illness. I care about him and would stick by him but its hard to tell to know how he feels about me.

I have written on other forums about my ex whom I met for the first time after 14 months last saturday. The thing is he has sunk into a depression which means he avoids me. I don't contact him when he's like that. In the past he has contacted me afterwards. The thing is I don't know where I stand. Can a man love you but treat you so badly and push you away when he's depressed? Should I throw in the towel? Whenever he contacts me I have been an angel of patience and good humour. He has no idea how much this hurts because I thought telling him would only make things worse. If he contacts me again should I tell him? I mean last sturday we had a lovely time though he was starting a migraine but he hasn't called when he said he would since even though he was the one who arranged the call in the first place. Please if there's any men especially out there who are like my ex, give me some insight. I don't want to turn my back on him if he's genuinely ill but I don't want to be a fool who can't take a hint after. He apologised about a month or so ago for dumping me last year. I'm confused by all these mixed signals. I also know that the only person he confides in is in me and each time he confides (about twice so far) he immediately pulls back. He's 33 and other than a therapist, i'm the only one he has confided in.

That Muneca is a big part of the problem. As with most men, his self-esteem is tied into his job. He wants to be a lawyer but is plagued with ME. How can I be a goddess and a light at then end of the tunnel and not go insane while he flounders in indecision? If he rings tonight I wont answer, I'll text him the next day that I went out for a drink with a friend. I don't think he appreciates how lucky he is to have me. You would think after a year he would have realised that.

I wsh I could relax RayKay, but things are taking a really negative turn. My initil fear about the text to meet up was the limited timescale. He is just back from his trip and hasn't got a job yet. It had all the hallmarks of the first time he dumped me. Anyway I thought it was rude of him not to reply. So at 10.30 on Wednesday morning I sent the same text again. He replied instantly that he wouldn't be able to make it up after all but would call me later. I decided to be supernice in reply so that he would feel like a heel. He prides himself on thinking that he's a nice guy. So I texted back saying no problem, I hoped his migraines gone, that I must go expand minds(I teach) and to have a good one. He didn't ring me last night. My feelings are these. He likes me but he doesn't know what job he wants (he's a lawyer but finds it hard with his illness). Also he toys with the idea of moving to a bigger city to get work (he hasn't told me). However he doesn't want to date me because then if he does do that he would have to dump me and he would feel bad about himself. On the other hand if he stays I think he would love to date me, because in his own self-obsessed, selfish way he likes me and he knows he's unlikely to do better. In many ways hes mixed up and the fact that he didn't meet me or ring me last night means that he has not made up his mind yet. I think things got more affectionate last saturday than he wanted and I think he wanted to meet me in order to establish a distance that suits him but decided against it. I'm being strung along. Now he likes to think of himself as a good guy. He is very soft and i'm sure had tears in his eyes last saturday. He even gets tears in his eyes during sad movies. He is very insecure about himself and is frustrated by his illness. He is extremely clever. He words things as only a lawyer can. For example he said hed call later that could be any day. He said on saturday that he needed friends around him and we would see how it could go from there. He is extremely self-obsessed and has no empathy. My feelings have never been considered in all this. He would dearly love to date someone and certainly that would be me if everything worked out. I think getting a job is foremost on his mind at the moment. What can I do with all this knowledge to tip things in my favour. Any advice? After all if advertiers can convince us that ponchos are a good fashion idea surely I can convince one flakey man that I'm a goddess.

Last night he texted me and said he would be in town tomorrow and would I be free from 2 to 4. I texted back to say I was and to let me know when and where. He didn't reply. So now I'm afraid that he's going to give me the brush-off again. It just reminds me of the time we broke up over a year ago. Has he panicked again? Did he get my text? I suppose ill know soon enough.

Thank you both for your replies. I will let you know how things progress. He was starting a migraine on saturday so I guess he will be laid out for a few days. I hope to hear from him soon.

Well last saturday I did it. I went up to my vex's house after almost 14 months. He kissed me on the lips at the door and made me tea and offered me something to eat. We had a pleasant chat and looked at his phots and then we went to a bar. Here we kept on having a pleasant chat.At midnight he told me he had a migraine. I know that he is prone to them and they are part of his illness but this was the first time that he admitted it to me. When we got back to his place and my car. He thanked me for coming down and asked me would I be free the weekend following the next (he's visiting his sister next weekend). I paused just to consider if I was free that weekend. Before I ad a chance to reply he interjected "if you're busy that's fine" I was very surprised that he was so nisecure . I said that I was free. Then he said that he enjoyed meeting me but that what he needed now was friends. That the break-up was so awful and he didn't want to go through anything like that again. This was slightly different than the more positive tone I had been getting prior to this but at this stage I knew him well enough I think to get to the crux of the problem I told him that when we were dating I felt that he pushed himself too hard. That he had been very honest telling me about the M.E early on. I knew what M.E was and I had a choice to walk away. There were things he could have admitteed to them which would have made me chose to walk away but M.E wasn't one of them. I said i knew he had it, he had been honest about it, so why when we dated did he pretend that he didn't have it. He admitted that he had been tired and by the end of the relationship hwe had been exhausted. Then I asked "Why didn't you say? You had me exhausted too. but I assumed that you were a grown man and would know when you were tired and would say it. I wasn't going to treat you like an invalid and go ££££ you know its past your bedtime" I told him that I was a grown woman with lots of friends, that I didn't need him to go to the theatre, cinema etc with me. I went to music, plays etc with him, mot to go to them but to be with him. If he wanted to stay at home and watch TV that would have been fine with me. He said that he didn't want to appear weak. I said that I didn't think he was weak and he didn't have to impress me that I was already impressed. He said that that was a lovely thing to say. He worried that he would never be able to take on a relationship. I said that he made it sound like he was taking on a burden and what burden? I said i'm a grown woman who can take care of herself. Also when you find the right partner that you are not taking on a burden, you are sharing yours. He said that he never thought of it that way before and that that was a better way of looking at it. That he never really talked about it before because his illness wasn't really spoken of in his family and that you can't talk to male friends about it. I said that you should have told me when you weren't up to going out. He admitted there were a few times when he was too tired and I said "and do you know what I would have said?" and he looked sheepishly and said " turn the car around". I replied "Exactly" Then he kissed me on the mouth and we had a long hug. He said "definitely keep that weeekend free and I promise you that we will have a better time" So guys what do you think?

Dear Rainy Soul I think your ex cared about you and probably still does. He never slept around when you were together. He made a commitment to you when you were both young and now he has a chance to mess around, see what he was missing. He will be like a kid in a candy store for awhile and then he will realise how shallow it all is and will want something maturer. I have a female friend who dumped her ex in a panic went off the rails for a year, got it out of her system and then came back. He may or may not come back. I also feel that you had little confidence in yourself, you expected the distance to damage your relationship and in your own way you pushed him away. If you want him back you must accept that he is gone. You must get on with your life. Study hard, socialise and do some dating. Keep in contact with him. If he rings be friendly. Email him a few jokes. Never bring up the past.

When you break your leg or get the flu its a tangible thing. It hurts like hell but you don't think "I'm going to kill myself becuase the pain will never end" and do you know why? Because you know the pain will end. Because people tell you this and you have seen it happen to other people. The brain is a complex and delicate thing. It stands to reason that it can get sick too. But people don't talk about that so much. So when your mind brings you pain you don't know anything about it and you think that it will last forever. That's not true. The pain that comes from your mind can get better too. One of the things that effects the brain is puberty. The hormone spurt that makes you have growing pains in your legs makes you have growing pains in your head too. But they pass. On a realistic level puberty is a time of adjustment, as you move from childhood to adulthood. You have yet to acquire the wisdom and privileges that adulthood brings though you want them. It can be very frustrating. Most people feel that. I found my teenage years very hard and in my dark moments I dreamed of ending it. I wrote it in my journal. there seemed no joy in my life and no future either. I felt, ugly fat and hopeless and friendless. But I was wrong. If I had given up on life so easily I would have missed so much. When I was 23 I made my best friend. I have made other friends since. Great friends. I was a late bloomer in the looks department too. So when I began to turn heads at 30 all those high school beauties were way past their prime and now those guys who wouldn't look at me in college were asking me out. But I said no, because they were a vacous lot not to appreciate me before then. I have travelled the globe with the money I've earned. I have had some great times. But to get to all this you have to go through puberty. You are not alone. Most people go through bad patches in their lives. Maybe there is someone in your class having the same thoughts as you. Thinking that nobody cares and wouldn't miss them if they left. Do you care about them?