cassiana

So do you think I go around wearing tight tops? i was only describing myself physically because this is a sightless forum. In real life I dress quite modestly. I cannot answer the neediness thing because you are saying its not an obvious neediness, in that i can be quite cool and independent and yet project neediness. So love is like a bank loan. You cannot get the loan unless you can first prove you don't need it. in my twenties I didn't look for love and it never came near me either. But then I suppose it was my lack of neediness that drove me away. If i am needy what can I do to stop being needy. I have my hobbies, im financially secure, i'm even a published writer on the side. I also have lots of friends and have just returned from holidays in China.I speak three languages excluding English.I wonder if I had written that first the last time would i have been told that i lived too much in my head and needed to work on the physical. God i'm so frustrated.

All my friends boyfriends really like me and say how attractive i am. I am very easygoing. im medium height with a great figure and am a natural blue-eyed blonde. I have great legs and a great sense of humour and never really complain and rarely lose my temper. I have lots of female friends. Guys like me but the longest relationship I ever had was 3 months.Am I intimidating or just not sexy. What's the matter with me. I always dress well and try to look good. I'm not fussy about restaurants or food. I look about 30. I just don't understand why im so popular with guys but not to date. I'm fit, enjoy hillwalking but am feminine. It's a mystery to all my friends. I just cannot figure it out.I love music, the cinema, theatre, TV.

Isn't it amazing that we never really see how selfish they are before they dump us. Then after the dust has settled we see what they are really like. My ex dumped me twice but then tried to make me sound like I had misunderstood him to our mutual friend. I hadn't been hard on him even during the break-up and here he was being unecessariyl cruel. Why is it that guilt makes people cruel to the people they feel guilty about being cruel to in the first place. Also is our mind playing tricks on us when we are in the relationship or after it has ended or (as I suspect) during both?

Dear Tod Fixing yourself should be for yourself. If you are only doing it to win her back you will fail. I know if my ex changed his appearance its still wouldn't help assuage my fears that he would slip into his old ways as soon as he got what he wanted. Form what you write there is alot of resenment under the surface. She would perceive your attitude and keep well away.

Look my Ex suffers from depression and has put me through hell. I cut him slack and was patient. All he thought about was his feelings it never occurred to him that I had any. When he reconciled and then broke up by simple not telling me I finally lost my temper and said some very strong things to him. Not because i didn't like him but because they were true. He wallows in self-pity. No matter how much I care for him I cannot fix him. I would love if he fixed himself and came back to me. But until then its hard words from em and alot of truthsaying. My kind words didn't help and were thrown back in my face.

That's a fairly harsh remark to make. Maybe her behaviour is a reaction to her experience. You must realise this probably hurt her alot.

I hate to be pedantic but if you have been trying to fix yourself for almost 27 years but gave up a long time ago, well you couldn't have spent almost 27 years trying. You can never stop trying. You will never find love if you stop trying. How can a woman love you if you don't love yourself. that's love 101. Jeden Tag du ubst Tod, warum ubst du nicht das leben?

I totally agree with your advice. In my own situations I have been very rigid about NC and following the rules hasn't worked for me. Still I believe Nc is the right thing to do. Your advice about playing it cool and not bringing up the relationship would all be what I would day. What fascinates me about this thread is its longevity. You all hang in there and care for gradle. Her ex too is still on the scene. It just seems to me that Gradle must have some indefinable appeal.

You are supposed to give up on the battle (this relationship) not on yourself. You have problems, well try and improve on them. try to be less anti-social. All girls are different. We have our problems too. We don't all want Brad Pitt( have you ever heard him interviewed). Das Tod ist nicht so suss.

You have just lost a battle (this girl) but you can still win the war (love). I read somewhere once that you never lose until you have given up. Sometimes people think that doing nothing is giving up. Sometimes doing nothing is what you must do and is very hard. Good luck.

But look, this is one of the longest threads in here. You are all hanging in there for her too, despite or because of the way she behaves.

What interesting me in reading all of this is the amount of times you broke the rules and you still in with the same chance as if you had followed them. By all conventional logic this should not be. Could there be method to your madness?

At this stage, I think you have got nothing to lose and 4 months of NC will show her that you are rational. good luck.

Since our initial break-up I have been trying desperately to replace him. I have dated several men and despipte many well meaning peoples' exhortations that i'm worth it non of them seem to impressed either. Sure if i could meet a great guy I would forget my ex but sad to say he is so far the best relationship I have ever had. Bad and all that is. I have been practical dating men and I'm out trying to find someone new every weekend. If that happens my ex is history. However as long as the opposite sex refuse to value the charms that well meaning people who I cannot date keep telling me, my ex is my best bat. It is eating me up because I have long suspected that my niceness is what allows other people to undervalue me. This time rather than be gracious as all the best books recommended and this situation has proved wrong, I have replied with anger. Even some of you were telling me less than a month ago that things were looking positive. My friends thought things were looking positive. Our mutual friend thought things were looking positive. How am I to believe anything if he flip flops so spectacularly and then all my friends follow suit. When we started dating everyone thought he was mad about me. They were wrong. Then he dumped me and they said he would never come back. they were wrong. Then he came back and they said he must really care. They were wrong. Now hes run away again and half are saying he will be back when he gets his job and half are saying foget him. I do not know what to think.

I totally empathise with you. My situation is vaguely similar and i'm demented from his mixed signals. He asks me to meet up and then tells me he cannot cope with a relationship. Of the 11 people who have given an opinion so far to me 6 say he will come goos and 5 say forget him. I'm totally confused. I'm sorry i'm no help in giving an answer. All I want to do is offer empathy. Good Luck.

I totally empathise. I have always said exactly what I meant. If I lie in life at all, i'm well aware that I'm lying. In relationships if I say I love someone then I mean it. If I use the word definitely then I'm definite. I never seem to learn that other people don't think about what they say. I remember once remarking to a work colleague how you meet people on holidays for example and they say "we must do this again" yet have no intention of it. She said she says that but she "means it at the time". That drives me insane. So i'm with you. I cannot understand why people aren't more careful. Now I judge people by what they do and not the crap "they mean at the time" that comes out of their mouths.

well I met up with my ex in mid may. He came back on a thursday. On the monday he texted our mutual friend asking for my number as he had lost his phone in Australia. He texted me an hour later asking was i still on for saturday. I said yes. He said great stuff. Then a little later he texted to say it would be great to catch up. That was my first alarm. I went up to his house on saturday. He hugged me and gave me a peck on the lips. we had a nice night. we went out for a drink. He started getting a migraine so we went back to his house. He thanked me for coming and said we must definitely do this again, how about saturday week? I hesitated wondering if I was available. He immediately jumped in saying another weekend would be fine if i was busy that weekend. I said I was free. Then he said he was unemployed and job- hunting and didn't know if he could handle a relationship just then. He said what if we were just friends and then see what happens. I said that I felt that when we dated we did too much. He said he didn't want to appear weak. I said I didn't think he was weak. That there was no need to impress me as I was already impressed. He crumbled at that. He gave me a big long hug and kissed me on the lips. We parted on the best of terms. He said he would definitely be in contact and that I should definitely keep saturday week free. He promised we would have a better time than this. That Tuesday he texted to ask me if I was free from 2 to 4 on wednesday as he was coming up to my town. I texted back within ten minutes saying yes and where did he want to meet. No reply. That was my second alarm bell. The next day I asked him again by text where would we meet. He immediately texted back to say that he couldn't make it today. I txtd back to say okay and i hope his migraine was better. That was Wednesday. A week passed and I didn't hear from him. This was the wednesday before our next meeting. On Thursday evening when he hadn't replied. I texted him. " I presume by your silence that you have changed your mind about the saturday that I should definitely keep free and haven't had the courtesy to tell me" He texted back to tell me I was great and deserved happiness and he was a mess etc etc. I texted back to ask what that meant. No reply. I sent it again friday and then he told me he wasn't able for a relationship right now etc. For the first time I expressed my anger and told him how selfish he was. That was over 3 weeks ago and it has been radio silence since. I felt very relieved that I finally got to tell him hoiw angry I was albeit by text. I have this strong feeling that he will contact me again after I come back from my summer holidays in July. Do you think he will contact me?

No i'm single at the moment. I thought my ex loved me but he didn't. I was just looking for pointers that I wouldn't be fooled again. Yes he was nice to me, but that's no indication.

All I had with my ex was good times until he suddenly ended it. He has come back and run away a few times. At the end of the day I don't care if he loves me or hates me from afar, hes no good to me unless he is anear. a month is a short time. He could well come back to you. My ex came back after a year then ran again. That was 3 weeks ago. I have officially thrown in the towel.

Hi there myjane I know how this happens. They are great to you at the start, everyone thinks you are the cutest couple ever then the more immature partner finds it all a little too real and tries to sabotage it. You know in your heart that this was great, you know they care yet here they are treating you like the scum of the earth. What can you do? I'm in a similar situation. I finally lashed out at my ex two weeks ago. But I didn't apologise because what I said was true, he was being selfish and cruel. I totally understand why you got mad. You tried to hold it together for so long, tried to be forgiving and crap was your thanks. Even Jesus blew off steam. You have cut him so much slack that he should have cut you slack. I think, and this is just my opinion, that you shouldn't have apologised. He is the cheater and by apologising for your undersatndable outburst you have put him in the stronger position. My advie to you is go away and do not tell him at all. He didn't consult you when he was kissing another? Don't try to contact him. Sometimes its hard, but less is more. Very best of luck.

How can you tell if a man loves you or if you are just wasting your time?

First of all the word most doesnt mean all and to use the term gross exaggerration is surely in of itself a gross exaggeration. Secondly Benjamin Disraeli once wrote "there are lies, damn lies and statistics" so its hard to lend credibility for a bunch of numbers attached to a bunch of years for no fixed country accredited to no known source. Also in this day and age in some countries marriage doesn't seem to reflect commitment either. I have read in the media of the nex concept of starter marriages. So marry as much as you like, you can still be a commitment phobe. I also think there is a big difference between breaking up with someone because you are not compatible together which is wholly understandable and breaking up because you are afraid of commitment. They are two totally different things.

well that's slightly ironic as most men give the impression that they merely want women for sex and then to move on no strings attached. Hence the term commitment phobe was born to cover what is in fact a far more selfish urge. Then in late middle age your commitment phobe might realise that hes getting old and hed better find someone to wipe his bottom in old age.Also he feels the urge to procreate. Then he marries what he can for that security. Example . Warren Beatty. The man is no different from the woman exacept that he has more time.

I think what Falucci said was spot on. I'm definitely going to use that point in my next argument. The reason why women want commitment is because we are at the mercy of our biological clocks. A man can be as selfsih as he likes and string women along but he may alos be denying her a chance of children and the fulfilment that that brings. A women cannot do that to a man. A man can say he doesn't want to settle down until he's 70 and then become a father a woman cannot. Women would be alot more relaxed too if they didn't have to make a decision on motherhood so early and with no going back. I wish men would be sensitive to that. I never put pressure on my ex. He keeps contacting me, then panicking even before I had a chance to open my mouth. that's why I think Faluccis analogy is perfect. To my Ex i'm like money. He wants me, he enjoys me, he just doesn't want to give anything back. I think hes selfish. in business you have to speculate to accumulate. Its the same in life. Commitment phobes end up with nothing and eventually nobody cares anyway.

Why do some people have such fear of commitment and view it as a burden? Is this just a line? Does this make them selfish?