cassiana

They rarely come back. When you break up its usually for a reason. I have been dumped by four men in my time that hurt me. I have dumped about five of my own. The guys I dumped, I dumped because we weren't suited and have never regretted it. THe guys who dumped me. One didn't suit me so I could see why we broke up, you cannot force a square peg into a round hole etc etc. The others broke my heart and they never came back. Except one. The one who brought me to this site. My favourite Ex. The one who broke my heart. The man whose reasons made no sense. He dumped me on April 3rd 2004. He has asked me out again. I will meet him on Sat 14th May 2005.

Every circumstance is different. I think someone could cheat once, be remorseful and come back and be a great partner. But there's always the risk that it will happen again.

Your ex has no right to try and keep you single and on stand by. You continue on going out and having a good time and meeting as many men as possible. You really should avoid a man who cannot make up his mind between you and his ex/current. Its not fair on you or her. I think his jealousy and his attempt to keep you from his friend shows him to be very self-centred. Calling someone a "fit bird" sounds very classy too. (not).

My ex asked me out last week. We havent seen each other in 13 months. I said yes. So matbe shell say yes too.

Dear Miss Silent. Calm Down. Calm Down. You have this really nice guy who seems to care alot about you in your life and you are driving him away. You are setting yourself up on a dangerous pattern, because if you lose this guy and get another you will only do the same thing. Did you ever see Tv shows where thr grown up children never visit their parents because as soonas they get in the door they are criticisied for not visiting enough. Nobody likes being constantly being fought with or criticised so stop it. Also sometimes when people seem to neglect you its because they have alot of things on their mind and this in no way is an indicator of diminished feelings or disrespect. You seem to me that you have extremely low self-esteem and this, ironically has made you self-centred in a very self-destructive way. You cannot accept this guy likes you and need constant reassurance, which is selfish and unreasonable. No human can give you enough, so when he inevitably fails you punish him be telling him its over when you don't mean it. (thereby punishing your "worthless" self also) Now he has feelings too and if someone rejects you , you feel rejected. So he will think you don't want him or As he has said that he cannot give you what you want (because you denand too much reassurance). You will feel rejected and your self-esteem will drop lower and then you will meet someone else and start the whole thing allover again. What can you do. 1. recognise that you have a problem. 2. Tell him this. 3. Tell him that you are going to work on it. The next time you meet do not. 1. Criticise him. 2. get offended if he is tired. (how can a man ever be comfortable around you if he must constantly be perky in case you take offence) 3. get offended if hes crabby. (how can a man ever feel comfortable around you if he must constantly be chirpy in case you take offence) 4. Do NOT fight with him, no matter what. 5. Do not break up with him unless you mean it. 6. Do not put pressure on him to commit. You are both young, relax enjoy yourselves. plenty of time for that later. 7. Do not hang around him 24-7/ The next time you meet him. 1. Be sympathetic to his situation. If you realised what he has going through maybe you wouldn't misinterpret every sigh. 2. Be good company. That's what we all want in our mate. 3. give him his space. If you have ever had someone cling to you, you know what a turn-off that can be. I also think, you need to expend some energy in between visits. I think if you got involved in a club or some charity work, or better still, both you would calm down and get a maturer perspective on things. See a councillor too if you think it would help. You need to try and spend less time focussing on your relationship and yourself. You need to fix these things now before you end up in a destructive cycle. Good Luck.

Well I've posted on this forums many times. I had a very brief but great relationship with a guy last year. We got on really weel and it came as a total shock when he dumped me. He'd even planned trips the following weekend etc. I immediately began no Contact. After four months I emailed him and got a cool reply. He made it clear that he planned to finish his apprenticeship and then travel. I said I thought that was great and he warned a bit. However our emailing was more on my side than his and after a third lapse of replying from him I gave up. Then 3 weeks later he started emailing. In december he finished his apprenticeship and headed off on his travels. He never emailied good bye or happy christmas. I lost hope. Then 3 months later on his travels, he contacts me. I reply with my usual brand of light-hearted answer. and things are like that for a month. then He apologised for the way he behaved last year. I graciously accepted his apology but told him that I had been hurt. Emails have been going back and forth since. Now Two weeks before his return he has asked to meet up. Of course I will say yes but How do I play it.

As always muneca, you talk a whole lot of sense. I do my ranting and raving here and to my closest girlfriend but with him I have kept it calm and serene. I too would love a male perspective. I would love to know if men would do all this just to be friends with an ex or would they want more. I do find that he gets discouraged easily and expects cues from me. Once when we met he came in for a kiss but I fluffed it because I was too intent that the movie we were going to see was not on at that time. I could see he sort of got selfconscious, instead of kissing me anyway. Also he only he held my hands once and I assumed that was because he didn't like public displays of affection. He mentioned it when we were breaking up. I would have loved to hold his hand. Another time we went for a walk along a beach and we sat up on a dune. Again all the signs were that he was getting ready to reach over and kiss me and that was what I was hoping for, but he never did. Then I thought I had misread it. Even lately this whole business of the X seems to suggest that maybe he doesn't have much confidence. I mean we did kiss an awful lot, we did sleep together and we always had a great time but still these tiny things happened. Also when I sent him a card on his birthday and gave him his gift that weekend he had tears in his eyes he was so touched. He bought me the most beautiful roses for Valentines and even as Id leave him at the weekend to go home he would be fussing about whether I had a bottle of water to drink during the 25 minute journey. He was so sweet and so fond of me that I was shocked beyond belief when we broke up. He had even made plans for us for the next 3 weeks before it. We never had had a cross word or a moments tension. I'm utterly confused. That's why when my family and friends are saying to me that he certainly wants a reconciliation because of what he has said recently, I am still very frightened that he will turn and bolt.

I agree. When he dumped me said that he was losing a friend. Also even as he dumped me I didn't hurl one insult at him. Since then I have only referred to what happened once and that was after he apologised. Even then I focused on telling him that I understood that he was under pressure but that I had been hurt and that I don't take these things lightly.That's the entire some of our relationship talk except for the dumping. When he has clicked open his emails from me he knows he will get humour and stories, not guilt or criticism. He dumped me, stopped emailing me and still chanced getting in contact with me three months later. I replied with a joke. A month later he apologised for how he treated me and I've written how I responded to that above. We are definitely friends but even though i haven't said it except for my above comment, that's what I want. If we meet up after his return and he suggests just being friends while he goes out and dates I will say no. I have been very very patient, very, very understanding and that is where I draw the line. I would like a little patience and understanding back. I think I have earned it. I have enough male friends already and its beginning to try me. I'm sick of being every man's second favourite girl after his GF.

I suppose the whole dating online thing freaked me out. I mean I only joined it because I was trying to get over him not as an alternative. I wondered was he looking for something casual and I'm after making it clear that I take these things seriously. I don't want him as a friend. I couldn't handle that. The thought of him introducing me as a friend to a new GF makes me queasy. I would rather never see him or even hear about him again.

I have never stopped wanting him back. After 3 months can you be in love? I was well on the way though. Well all I did was email him some jokes. He didn't reply. Then I emailed some more jokes. Again no reply. Then I emailed a third set of jokes. This time I got a personal email from him. It was cold. It mentioned his apprenticeship and how he planned to travel when it was over. I replied with a fairly light response, saying I thought that was a great idea. I tolsd him a few funny things that hasppened in work. I never mentioned the past, my feelings or our relationship. His reply was very warm. So I emailed him again with more amusing anecdotes. he emailed back to say they were funny. He would also email me jokes. However it would stop after awhile and then I would initiate it again. This wento n from August until late October when I decided I wouldn't initiate it anymore. After about two weeks silence he ermailed back. We continued emailing until December. It was always very light. Neither of us brought up the past. I didn't want him to dread my emails or wipe them without reading them. I knew that he could open them and enjoy them if I kept them light and hopefully realise what a catch I am. Anyway he stopped emailing in mid-december. the lastthing he sent were some jokes, no goobye or anything. I heard through friends that he had headed off in January and he was emailing them, but not me. That was a very low point. I didn't contact him, that would not have helped. Then at the very very end of February he emailed me and apologised for not emailing goobye or not being in contact for 3 months and he called me honey. I was shocked, I thought I would never hear from him again. So I emailed back a warm reply. I joked that he missed my last emails which were a cure for cancer, the following week's lottery numbers and the meaning of life. I said that I hadn't kept copies so I would have to go back to the lab. So I kept it light. We emailed back and forth for a month like that and then he emailed an apology for the way he had treated me last year and signed it with an X. I had to say something about my feelings that time. So i emailed back saying that I understood he was under pressure but that I was very very hurt at the time. However I accepted his apology and hoped that his time away would help him clear his head. I didn't put an X at the end. His next email was back to being light but there was no X. So when I replied I included the X and all our emails have had Xs since. However he hasn't mentioned meeting up yet. The only contact this last 13 months has been by email. As for the restraint, thanks, It was brutally hard but necessary. I hope it pays off. Love sure ain't for wimps I'm learning.

He sent me two emails , one a week after the break-up, another a week later both were only jokes. My birthday was a week later again and he sent me a card. It included some lottery scratchcards and wished me a happy birthday and luck with the cards and no more. I replied to none of these and that was the last time he tried. I waited four months because he had gone off to do an intense law course. I believed that the stress of that was why he dumped me and there was no point expecting a reconciliation while it was going on. I also felt that if I replied to those emails too readily I would be saying that it was okay to hurt me.

I agree.

Its also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He was doing university finals and he got a flu that just wouldn't go away. Then he couldn't eat. He lost a dangerous amount of weight and couldn't get out of bed. He was more or less housebound for two years. He couldn't even concentrate on a television show. It was sometime before he was diagnosed and there was alot of prejudice. He slowly got better and went back to law about six years after he got sick. He is 33 now and just qualified. He tires easily but is much better, but I think he is very afraid of relapses. He had a bit of a one last september. He tries to downplay it to me though.

I dated a guy for three months last year. He had had a few very short relationships, if you can call two or three weeks that. We clicked instantly and he was thrilled, really happy. Then he dumped me. He has M.E and had a stressful course to do for a couple of months in another city but I had presumed we would work through that but no he just cut me off. Anyway after some emailing etc etc we are back in contact. He has been travelling the worl since january but will be home in two weeks. I haven't seen him in 13 months. In the last two months he has begun emailing me and had apologised for the way he treated me and told me that he hasn't been involved with anyone since. I know that he had a two week holiday romance with a girl who treated him badly. He told his friends that he doesn't know why he goes for the difficult ones. I also know that he joined an internet site last week, becuase unbeknownst to him Ive been on it over a year. He hasn't logged in since. I know he would love to have a relationship. I'm very easy going and good humoured and maybe he was unused to that because his sisters (he has no brothers) are very Alexis Carrington demanding types and so were all the other girls. After his apology to me (which coincided with the fling) he started putting X at the end of each letter. I accepted his apology but made it clear that I had been deeply hurt and do not take these things lightly. I think he will want to meet up. I think he would like to date again. I'm worried though that he won't ask me out because he may see it as a serious commitment. OR I'm worried that he will ask me out and then head for the hills when we start getting close again.

Did you ever see a strange cat in your garden and wanted to make friends with it. If you rush at it with the best of intentions it will run away. but if you sit in the corner and ignore it and do something interesting, the cat gets curious, then braver, then comes over. After a break up the dumppe goes through stages, like the stages of bereavement. The dumper also goes through stages. Firstly it will be relief to have broken off with you. If you keep hounding the dumper they stay in that stage and your persistence reinforces their conviction that they have made the right decision. Ego and insecurity will make them take your feelings for granted and make them wonder what kind of bunnyboiler would go so ballistic over you. If you back away. There will firstly be relief and then Hmmmmm, she didn't contact me, well good. then hmmm still no contact? I wonder why theres no contact. maybe I should contact her. (but shell be all whiney and make me feel bad about myself) Still no contact? Ill contact her. God she sounded great. She was so happy and barely had time to talk to me she was so busy running off. She souned great. Did I make a mistake. Were our problems because of me, because she sounds great now. She hasn't replied. Maybe I should call her again. I kept up NC for four months before i emailed. I haven't phoned or texted my ex in 13 months. he stopped emailing at christmas. I wont email him unless he emails me. At the end of February he started emailing again. Since then he puts an x at the end of each email and has apologised for the way he treated me. I'm hoping that soon I will have my cat eating out of my hand. Good Luck.

My ex emailed me within a week of dumping me. He emailed me again a week later and then sent me a birthday card. I waited four months to reply. So you can reply to your own timetable.

Look up some of my stuff. My ex and I were in contact by email and then he didn't email me for three months.

well the dating site tells you if people log in or not. He hasn't logged in since he joined. Which I know was only five days ago. But he has emailed me in between. I wonder am I backup for it or it's back up for me? I suppose at least I know he wants a girlfriend. However i'm a long-term tiype and im not sure he wants that. He will be home in two weeks but theres no mantion of meeting up yet. By then it will be thirteen months since we've seen eacvh other.

I'm fairly brave when I know i'm doing the right thing. So about three times in the past I have asked out guys who were prevaricating and to a man they refused me. So I vowed never to do that again. However I did ignore advice and decided to email him immediately and I got a reply immediately. I often read about treat em mean etc etc and i know some guys seem to react when they are ignored. Now my ex did finally email me after 3 months of silence. But a few weeks back when he ventured his apology and put an X at the end of his letter, I didn't put an ex because I thought he wouldn't value me if he was too easy. I did accept his apology and told him how hurt I was. When he replied the X was gone. I assumed that I had come on too strong BUT i decided to add the X to the next one and he replied with an X. So I don't know whether to be mean or be soft. My last email was very complimentary.

To be honest your replies are more positive than I feel right now. Basically he dumped me last april. I was very upset. He sent me some jokes and a birthday card but I didn't reply. I think he dumped me because he was under pressure from his course so I waited four months until it finished to email him. We emailed for 4 months. At the start he was cold. He tolf me how he planned to finish out his apprenticeship in December and then travel. I replied calmly and he warmed a but. I know that he was ill at the time (M.E or chronic fatigue syndrome). Anyway I got sick of initiating emails and stopped. then he started it again. At christmas though he finished up. He never said goodbye and never wished me happy christmas. He went off travelling in January. After three months he emailed me and apologised for the silence. About three weeks later he apologised for how he treated me and told me that if it was any consolation he hadn't been involved with anyone since. I heard from a friend that he had a 2 week fling with a girl while travelling but it seems to have fizzled out. Today he emailed me a personal email and some jokes about men. At the same time he signed on to this site saying he had had one serious relationship in the past and that his ideal date is penelope cruz. Sadly i look more like Cate Blanchett.He did tell a friend of ours that he was back in contact with me but nothing else. I know people make excuses when they don't want to believe the awful truth. It has been made subtly clear to him by me and a mutual friend that he cannot mess me around again. Also at 33 he might feel the need to sew the wild oats he never had a chance to in his twenties. or as the book says maybe hes just not that into me. I feel sick. After he got back in contact with me I felt sure he would arrange to meet me when he comes home. I seem to be in limbo with him.

My ex dumped me a year ago. He started emailing me a month ago and apologised for his behaviour. He is abraod at the moment but is coming home soon. But I'm in an online dating site and he just joined it yesterday. He doesn't know I know this obviously. Why is he being nice to me if he really just wants to meet someone new? Or is he just hedging his bets?

Go out and get a great haircut. Make sure you look great at work. Always appear busy and happy. Do not let him knowhow you are thinking. Keep up the NC. If he calls, answer but be about to do something and sign off after ten minutes. Do not volunteer anyu information. If he asks about your love life tell him its none of his business.

I hate game playing. Everytime I meet someone that I really like I feel that they are so nice that surely there is no need for me to play games. My ex was lovely. He always rang when he said he would, he got me lovely flowers for valentines so I didn't think I needed to play games. I was so so so so wrong. As I sat and watched my angel telling me that it was over and that he had very little sympathy etc etc. I realised that I could not play games and die alone with some cats or I would have to wise up and get my game playing hands dirty.. So at 34 I decided to do the latter. I have played a game ever since. Under no circumstances would I let my Ex no that I wanted him back. My objective is to get him back but I would never tell him that. That would at best give him all the power and at worst send him running for the hills. He would have no respect for me. I never volunteer information. He has never asked me about my current love life or how I feel about him. thereforeeee he does not know. I tell him about all the exciting trips and concerts I have enjoyed but am deliberatley vague about who went with me. The message is clear, I'm independent and out there, not at home moping over you (though I do alot of that0. I also told him little anecdotes that imply how attractive some men find me to try and get a little jealousy going. i also mentioned places we had been to together but not in relation to us but in relation to the new fun experiences we have had there. I bumped into his family a few times but never mentioned him, but just was jolly and pleasant. I never ask him about his relationships etc. He told me voluntarily that he had been single since. I respond carefully to these revelations but I never tell him anything important unless he asks. I haven't even asked him when he is coming home. I know the date because I have a friend who knows some of is friends etc etc. At the moment the waiting and uncertainty is really wearing me down. I feel I've done my time, when's my reward. He is back on may 5th. I haven't seen him since April 3rd 2004. Ill let you know how it progresses. One thing that has worked so far is ' less is more.

My situation was a bit unusual I suppose. We were going out for only 3 months but we clicked from day one. We really liked the same things so there were very few causes for annoyance etc etc. We never fought or even had a moment of tension. He was mad about me and I him. However he has M.E or CFS. This had put his law career on hold for a few years. When I met him he had the first half of his final course done and it had been hard on him. He was at work in as an apprentice when I met him. He dumped me about two weeks before he had to do the final course. He had been getting migraines, two people were out sick in the office and this horrendous course was looming over him. Of course he never admitted any of that to me. S So we broke up. he did his course and had a mini relapse when he went back to the office to finish his apprenticeship. He was too tired to even go out for lunch his colleagues tell me. We emailed at that time. He finished his apprenticeship in december. From January to May he had planned to travel before he set down to work. That's what he is doing now. So we are not back together. I suppose I will have to wait a bit longer. He apologised to me by email about five weeks ago. It has been over a year since I have seen him. I have never rung him or posted a letter to him since or even texted. All I have done is emailed. When he stopped emailing me last december, I stopped emailing him. I was extremely angry with him. I still am to some extent. However I know the first rule of communication is Be clear about your objectives. My objective was to get him back. thereforeeee I had to swallow my anger. It has been very very very hard. very hard. Good Luck. P.S Did I mention how hard it was? and is still?

I gave my ex an easy break-up. He had absolutely no reason to dump me. We never even had a fight. He was still extremely cold to me after the break-up. I didn't deserve it. He was still cold. He apologised to me a year later. This shows that he knew what he did was cruel. She probably is aware of what shes doing now too. So you need to maintain your dignity, and don't crawl or criticise.