Kylie_1980

Thank you so much for your help. You have no idea how your comforting replies really touched my heart today. I received that email from my ex-fiance just as a part of my thesis was due tomorrow. Somehow, reading your replies gave me some sort of anchor that stablizes my emotions and get me to work on the important things. I do wish you all the best too. It's really hard- you find condemnation directed at dumpers on the message boards, articles etc. all the time that for people like me, support seems wanting. Only my dad and close friends are by my side, and even then, some of them still mutter the occasional "why do you want to throw away all those six years? He's already 29, you are ruining his life." or something like that. They do not understand the verbal abuse or think that I'm over-reacting to his temper that even I am convince that I am over-reacting until other close friends and relatives, plus my counsellor, assures me otherwise. But the whole cycle of self-doubt starts all over again very soon and I become very horrible to those who cares for me because of what my ex used to do to me- I feel that I am not only sinking further into mud, I am also propagating the verbal violence, (I have a bad temper myself too but it really exacerberted the situation and I was never bad tempered with my ex because I truly fear him). I guess leaving him is really the first step for me to heal from all those scars. I just wish I have done it sooner. My apologies for the whining... Feeling rather down today. I may come back tomorrow and look back in embarrassment at how pathetic I sound.

I actually discussed this in the thread, getting back together. He told me that he realize how much he had hurt me and that he would never treat me the same way again. I choose to not believe him because these promises happen again and again. At the same time, I wnat to give him a fair trial. In boards and to my friends, I know I have been weeping and moaning. However, when he was nice, generous, passionate and sweet to me, he really was, until I did something to piss him off (not picking up the phone within 3 rings, not calling him if I'm going to be ten minutes late, not putting cups on the right side of the table and being defensive each time he tried to point out my mistakes etc.) I mean, those were stuff I have done to piss him off so in a way, I think that maybe he was right in being angry, or that he was right to say that if I hadn't done anything wrong, then he wouldn't be angry and pissed. I know it sounds silly and rationally, I know that he overreacted but at the same time, I also know that my weak and grovelling nature allowed him to climb all over him. If he has changed, fine. but I have made up my mind not to go back to him. When I return, I think I'll just drop the wedding ring and a closure letter in his mailbox and then fly back to my safe haven. I can't believe how screwed up I am now and how even my sister thinks I'm wrong in breaking up with him because, in her own words, "Being scolded may be a good thing." I have a new boyfriend now and we almost had an argument, or rather, in the same situation, my ex-fiance would have, undoubtedly, being very angry at me. My current squeeze and me just had such a wonderful, open and respectful discussion without anger marring the situation. At the same time, I was so afraid that he would burst in anger or threaten to leave me like my ex sometimes do that I burst out crying in the end. I don't know, I just feel like such a mess right now that I can't meet my ex-fiance to give him the face to face closure and in a way, I feel extremely selfish, nasty and insensitive.

Hi all, I have actually wanted to break up with my ex-fiance many times, but each time I tried, either I couldn't do go through with it because he kept me emotionally and mentally hostage by threatening harm to himself, or he would beg and cry and I would soften my heart and take him back, hoping that he remains true to his word and change. Thus far, I have given him countless chances to change but it is always back to square one after a period of hope and potential. So I flew to another country for my PhD and also, to reevaluate my life. I know I have always been the coward in relationship- everytime we fight, I wouldn't stand up for myself because he would just pressure me down with insults and vulgarities, or just aggressive/overly assertive talk. However, he would be all apologetic and sweet after and I would feel that I made him angry. We don't quarrel everyday but I would say we have such arguments at least once a week. Also, he cheated on me three times with the same girl, I even spotted him kissing her in public. I should have ended it there and then but he had an exam which was important for his MBA the next day and I didn't want to risk him failing so when he begged me, I took him back. I am now in another country and eight months ago, I plucked the courage to call him up and broke up with him over the phone. I know we should have done it face to face but it was so hard and I really thought I could still make the relationship work because we had six years together and we were getting married. I did truly him. One day, I woke up and realize it wasn't going to work. I had no trust in him and I just heard news that he was seen with the SAME girl behaving like a couple in public again. Also, we had mild fights over the phone for things that I truly felt were beyond anyone's control but he took them out on me. It has been 8 months since and yet, he wouldn't stop pursuing me. He said he would be forever miserable and in agony as long as I am happy. He might not have realize it but it made me guilty- like I am being happy because he exchanged his happiness (he needs me to be happy) for mine. At the same time, I am flying home soon so I thought I would meet up with him and have some face to face closure with him. Now, I wonder if it's the right move because I am so afraid I would just be sucked right back into the hellhole. In fact, although I feel that everyone around me will think that I would have done the right thing to have met up with him, my close friends and my gut instincts are telling me that it is a very bad idea because my situation is different as my relationship is not the healthy sort and I probably need therapy to regain my confidence. I honestly can attribute my lack of confidence to him. Hence, I am in such a quandary. All over the internet, everyone says it's rude to break up over the phone. I am also wrought with guilt that I did not give my 6 years with him the due respect and dignity. Nonetheless, I felt that if I hadn't done it, I would have been married to him now and be truly miserable because I just don't know how to stand up to him when we meet face to face. He said he had changed but in the past, he had threatened harm to himself and he also threatened to ruin other girls' lives just as I had ruined his when I broke up with him the first time, about two years ago. I thought that was mean and insensitive of him, and though he changed, that fear- that threat he terrorized me with before always remained at the back of my mind, especially when my mom committed suicide herself after she wasn't able to handle her divorce with my dad. To cut this long story short, I don't know if I should meet him face to face when I go back. Would I be so wrong and mean hearted if I don't? I know he needs closure but I also need a peace of mind. Moreover, he just emailed me saying he wish me all the best etc. etc... but he'll be miserable and in agony without me... etc. It sounds like a closure letter. Should i just give him time and not contact at all? Thanks for all your help thus far. I send you all good thoughts. Kylie

The only bit truly worrying me now is the suicide option he might threaten or even go for if I'm too heartless and initiate something like a no contact thing. If someone have been through or witnessed a similar situation like mine before, please let me know how best to handle emotionally unstable people. And he wrote me a an email saying that he was going to fly over and see me. I told him not to come over coz there's nothing that can be done to salvage- he had too many chances in the past. We had taken heaps of "relationship" breaks with him always reaching some sort of enlightenment about his disrespectfulness and temper but they never amount up to anything. In a good relationship- you shouldn't have to change anyone, right? I believe that I don't want to change him- flaws and all. He has to reach those decisions by himself. Anyway, I have decided that from now, I want no part in it. And I won't answer his emails anymore. I read about co-dependency before and yes, I notice trends like that in myself. I don't know if it's because of my background but yes, i may just talk to a counselor like what some of you suggested. I really want a healthy relationship that will last. Kylie

I think I'm from the other side of the fence in this as it's my ex who wants to get back together with me. I only have one advice- sometimes it takes a lot of time to know a person is not right for you, and even more time for the dumpee to realize the dumper is not right for them. Which is why a six-years relationship may end just as easily as a six-months. A couple will only be right for each other if they both want to be with each other- that's my opinion and I think it's only logical. The thing is to try your best to move on with your life, live it the best you can and try not to be obssessed over rekindling anything with your ex. For if you don't, then you are not allowing yourself to heal from the pain and it will obviously cause you to be extremely myopic in your view on life, both laterally and forwardly- and the only consequence is that you will dramatically shortchange yourself. Things often happen for a reason. A suggestion I have is that you give yourself a reasonable time-frame... for example, if after two months he doesn't ask you back, then behave as if he or she will never do it and get on with your life. Who knows what's going to happen in the future? But one thing you will know is that you will not have WASTED precious time and life hankering after something that could, in the end, not be so worthwhile after all. And you'll also realize that there are SO MANY oppportunities out there- not just in relationships but also in friendship, family, education etc. and most importantly, a rediscovery of self-love. Peace out, Kylie, just putting in her two cents from the other side of the fence.

This is my first time to these boards... and I'm so thankful for all your support. I wish I am strong like the both of you were (sounding from your advice) and I think I am going to be in future. Right now, I'm concentrating on meeting him face to face to tell him once and for all we are over, lay it on the ground for me. Then have my dad send him home. The only problem is that I have sneaking suspicion that he might be suicidal coz he threatened me before. He told me he would never threaten me that way again... but I am afraid a strong blow will revert him to his old ways. Still, I owe him the truth. I hope I won't be too harsh. My friends told me whatever he choose to do with his life is his business. I have to live mine. Thanks everyone.

I yelled at him over the phone to talk over him so he couldn't do any manipulating verbal stunts on me, like before. He then tearfully told me not to think of him as a monster. I don't think he is a monster, just misguided. And I sorta thought that I have to be the one to save him from his dysfunctional family (his mom and dad split and his mom keep threatening suicide everytime she snapped. She is also incredibly irresponsible and selfish. Just stating facts as it is). The thing is, I was his everything and now he has no one, I feel extremely guilty. I can imagine him feeling really alone, in his room, crying each night like he told me he did. It hurts me deep inside but there's nothing I can do... I think I am also to be blamed because I allow myself to be treated like a doormat. I do not stand up for myself- or I used to and then I started giving him because I cannot stand the angry tirades. This behaviour has seeped into my current relationship with my new boyfriend sometimes demanding I oppose him and tell him to "suck it up" whenever he whines or was rude to me. I don't know, I just want to lie down and not face the world... it's hard, knowing that you have done something to make someone you do care about so sad- whether they deserved it or not.

My ex-fiance had a relationship for close to 7 years, engaged for the last three. I broke up with him because I finally had it with his verbal abuse each time he got angry at me, and also his cheating (3 times with the same girl). I still care a lot for him but I honestly feel that for the last 2 years, I have been dragging this relationship along. I have promised to forgive him but one day, I woke up and realize that this isn't the man I want to marry as I no longer trust him to respect me. We broke up six months ago and he still calls to beg me to go back to him. He became very involved in church activities and he said he tried but all other girls fall short of me and he is at the point where he is willing to do ANYTHING to win me back. He said he realizes his mistakes and that he will accept me for who I truly am and he will be the man for me- that I am his one true love. He told me to give him another chance to prove himself. My reply was that he should move on and in future, if we are meant to be, we will be. If not, then at least we hadn't live our lives for someone else. He said he was willing to suffer because I was worth it. He was really distraught and distressed and I worry heaps. Yet, I know at the back of my mind that he had tried to change many times in the past but his anger and weaknesses will always creep back to an issue for me. I can;t accept that. I just don;t know if I should believe that he will love me truly and go back to him. Another reason is that I met someone else and we are having a great time together. I also know that I have reached the stage where I can truly say I really do love him. I want to explore that further and yet, I don't know if I am selling myself short by not going back to my ex. who seemed like he is truly remorseful and he truly loves me. My current squeeze loves me too but our love is new and not as passionate or intense. For once I don't have a guy who is dependent and controlling and I feel unloved... I feel like if I broke up with him he wouldn't do anything to fight for me. I don't know... maybe in my heart, I'm just one selfish woman. I don't know what to do, I hate letting any of them down. I know I have been truthful all along to both of them but I also know I cannot keep vaciliating anymore. I'm always thinking about regretting breaking up with my ex... and hoping he will change. Now this seem like he has but I have feelings for somoen else. I don't know. What should I do? I am freaking myself out as well... I jsut don't want to make a mistake and hurt someone needlessly. Kylie