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cassiana

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Everything posted by cassiana

  1. cassiana
    and believe me Vert women don't know men either else I wouldn't be on this site. I think you are doing the right thing. You are being cautios and that is very sensible, she hurt you before. Be nice but hold a little back. I think the prospects look good for you though as long as you take it very slowly. Otherwise she may panic again.
  2. cassiana
    After another week of emailing jokes and notes back and forth I have decided to do about 11 days of NC. After that I will email him again but it will only be for about two weeks before he is finished his job. Then all contact will cease. It will be up to him. Meanwhile I'm a month and a hlaf with a new guy who i'm just starting to warm a little to. That's usually when they dump me. You reallly have to keep it cold or they lose interest. I must master that before its too late.
  3. cassiana
    So you initiated contact to begin with until he cut you off? So how was contact re-established?
  4. cassiana
    It seems to me that it hurt her to hurt you thereforeeee if shes trying to get back into your life she wouldn't want to give you false hope. If it was me I would only contact you if I wanted you back.
  5. cassiana
    People who go back to aBUSIVE PARTNERS HAVE AT THE VERY LEAST SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES i would think. They can accept abuse better than they can accept kindness. Sometimes it springs from childhoods where the only time their parents acknowledged their existence was in a negative way. Thus abuse gets confused with attention and that attention is better than none. Good attention from a loving partner may come too late and may be impossible for them to handle and may feel undeserved. Or it may not be trusted. If every significant man in her life has abused her to date then she may feel that you will eventually be the same. The waiting for the inevitable cruelty might be more stressful than the cruekty itself. she may think shell be too soft to deal with it if it doesn't come soon. In the end she may feel its better the devil you know etc. These are just some ideas by me. What this means for you is, as tragic as it is you can do nothing. Like an alcoholic she can only quit when she wants. Be supportive if shell let you but get on with your life. You cannot save her only she can do that.
  6. cassiana
    I'm going to pick you up on the phrase "knowing my ex". You can live with someone for fifty years and not know them. When you proposed you didn't know that she would return the ring. Most men would admit they don't understand women and vice versa. I don't know either of you but as a woman I would be very cautios about contacting a man I had hurt for fear I was giving him false hope unless I wasn't if you get my drift. But that's me and anyone else who is a bit considerate.
  7. cassiana
    He was unfaithful. You broke up before. He says he has met someone else. You should pack your bags and go. Do NC. I think a year from now you will be glad you got away from this man/
  8. cassiana
    It sounds to me that she likes you but when it came to marriage she got cold feet. The time apart geave her a chance to calm down and think. At the very least, this contact that she has feelings for you and has questions about your relationship that she needs to answer.
  9. cassiana
    Oh my god but this guy is having his cake and eating it. If you make it this easy for him he will have nothing but contempt for you. You meantion security blanket well that's the key, insecurity. You have an open relationship, which means you have no relationship. Go out and get another boyfriuend. Your only hope to keep this guy is to treat him mean. He deserves it. Plus the new guy might be nicer. He might show you what you are missing.
  10. cassiana
    i agree. Show respect for her, her parents and the boundaries they have set. That's better than any melodramatic gesture.
  11. cassiana
    Congratulations. can I rub my cursor on your icon for good luck?
  12. cassiana
    gee if i knew that then I wouldn't be here. However Ill tell you what I have done so far to make my ex miss me. 1. four months NC even though he sent me a card and some emails. 2. I started emailing him 3 moths ago, just jokes. 3. When he emailed me a letter with his travle plans etc (me not included), I replied in a bright and breezy manner. I inckuded no personal details of my own but alluded to my own holidays but didn;t say wh o wiyh. 4. I forwarded jokes to him and other men. I also forwarded jokes that other men had sent to me. This would be obvious on the emails. 5. Last week he wrote and thanked me for my personal emails he said I should be published.( this means he actually likes my emails and still likes me, at least platonically) 6. Since then I wrote him a piece about a weekend at a health spa. I made it funny but also subtly included pieces to remind him of what I look like and that other men also find me attrsctive. 7. He has no idea if i'm dating. (I am). If I do get him back then adapt this to suit your situation. We can but try, Good luck to us both.
  13. cassiana
    Could you get a third party to pass on the message.?
  14. cassiana
    I think you have done exactly the right thing. Keep it light, be cool and don't let those floodgates of emotion out and I think that you could be on the road to success. Good Luck.
  15. cassiana
    I have everything nailed except action 8 which I'm will have nailed in a week or two and attitude 3 which I don't believe is always the case. Not a bad score thought.
  16. cassiana
    Love is a cruel game. If you let him use you for sex he will never respect you. A famous person once said that a woman can achieve anything by not giving in. Tell him you want to date and no more sex until hes been your proper boyfriend for two months.
  17. cassiana
    This may be the wake-up call he needed. People only get into fights regularly if they like it. Stay out of it. Whatever effect this has on him it will be better if you are not part of it.
  18. cassiana
    I made up my mind again not to contact him if he didn't contact me. I would never waver from this as I'm very very stubborn and have done similar things in the past to men who have been hard on me but here I'm not so sure if its the right thing. I can't judge because I don't fully understaND HIS ILLNESS. Anyway almost a week goes by and then yet another forwarded email. It was a joke about the perfect couple in a car who pick up santa and crash in the snow and only one survives. You have to guess who. The joke is the woman because theres no such thing as santa or the perfect man. Anywway I reponded with a one line email. Dear ???? how did you know that I was in a car accident? This elicited within ten minutes the first personal email since september. He replied like quasie modo I had a hunch. Then he thanked me for my emails and said what I wrote should be published. He asked after me and it was a warm and pleasant reply. I felt dissatisfied after it. I really don't know. I didn't reply yet. I will send him stuff for the next four weeks. Then he will be finished his job and will be offline. He cannot contact me by email anymore. So he will either have to go one step up the foodchain to texts and phonecalls or leave me behind forever. What do you think he will do? As it happens I do write extremely funny letters and emails and am very witty in person. However I don't think men find that attractiver. I don't know. I made him laugh alot. He used to say that it was good to laugh. I know its not much of an update but I just wanted to tell someone. I find all this a bit humiliating and frustrating and pointless.
  19. cassiana
    I didn't think I was giving a solution, just offering advice and an opinion. If I had a solution I would have used it on myself months ago. And, having read what has been written since, I still hold true to what I wrote. Be careful and play it cool is always good advice.
  20. cassiana
    Funnily what you say is more hopeful than what I was thinking. I was thinking he was just sending on stuff to me unthinkingly and that hes too sick at the moment to write proper emails or deal with me anyway. The idea that he might actually have feelings for me scares me in case it isn't so. If he has feelings then its something I can work on. I can keep things ticking until his health improves and then finesse a situation where he can manouvre without embarrassment. Meanwhile i'll keep my options open by dating away as I am now.
  21. cassiana
    A balanced relationship should satisfy both parties. Here he gets to have everything his own way. He has a life with his wife and child and then you on the side. He also gets to visit your house. What a good existence he has. His wife is a victim because she believes her husband loves her and has made a commitment to start a family with him. If she ever finds out she will be destroyed. This doesn't bother her husband. All he cares about is his gratification. If a child discovers what their parent has been doing it can make them very insecure and make them very untrusting in relationships. And then there's you. If he dumped you tomorrow you would have nothing. If he dumps you ten years from now you will have less. At least his wife would have her child and lots of sympathy. He will never leave her. He could very easily dump you, especially when children take up more of his time. You will be heartbroken and no-one will sympathise with you. He lied to you for two years. Only low self-esteem on your part can possibly make you think that this liar and cheat is worth the sacrifice. Get out now. Do it for yourself. This time next year you could be in love with a man who appreciates you.
  22. cassiana
    It sounds to me like he cares but isn't sure. A breaking point like this is not unusual in a long relationship. You must decide what you want and make certain of what he wants. Then if you do reconcile this new beginning will allow you better communication in the future if you push that as an issue. Use this as a time to outline what you need and what he needs. Then if it works out you could end up better than before.
  23. cassiana
    If I broke up with a guy I would know the difference between being friendly and being flirty. I would be at pains not to lead him on. As she is quite young and just discovering her power as a woman she might be leading you on for the ego boost or she might still be attracted to you. For your own safety assume nothing. Play it cool, you are a single guy and she is not your girlfriend so don't let her treat you any other way.
  24. cassiana
    Well I know hes not a player. If hasn't got the energy to go out for lunch hes hardly chasing the babes. Besides my sources concur. I'm the last woman he dated and the most significant relationship he had. He sent me another forward today. This time it included the sentiment that it takes years to meet the right person, a minute to realise it and years to forget it. Heady stuff indeed and very significant except that his sister sent him it an hour before he forwarded it on to me and a male friend of his. The guy of course could be a buffer and i am first on a very small list. He can't maintain alot of friends because of his health. However the emails are becoming more frequent. I have been replying with a couple of newsy emails of my own which I send to a few people but are actually designed to target him. Like yesterday I emailed a jokey poem I wrote about going to a spa for the weekend (a spa where we once meesed around in in the car one night but never went in) for my first ever massage (he gets one weekly for his illness and was always recommending I do it) I mentioned how I would get my body covered in mud and would be even more gorgeous than ever next week (which he won't see but I wanted him to imagine) and that my trip to see Bridget Jones would have to wait (we used to go to the movies alot and I wanted to show we still do). I didn't teel him I was going with a group of girls though. If hes trying to keep himself in my head then two can play at that game. I'm still going on dates too.
  25. cassiana
    Thanks for the great advice everybody. No i'm not over him, I absolutely thought he was the one and I never think that way. There was a click there that i never had before. If you are familiar with my previous whines you will know that he has chronic fatigue syndrome which I attribute as the cause of a relationship that though short (3 months) was great with never a cross word or inconsiderate gesture between us. This illness has complicated my reaction to his situation. When he originally got sick Cfids was a misunderstood illness and alot of people just thought he was lazy. He lost alot of friend and was at home for 2 yrs. I know from a mutual friend that he is barely hanging on at the moment. He goes to work in his office but stays in every weekend and doesn't even go for lunch. This is why I have cut him more slack than normal. i'm torn between treating him like an ex and worrying that as he is ill I shouldn't just abandon him like his friends did before. I have asked advice on cfids dedicated sites but I have had no response so far. Because of his illness I suspect I was his first proper girlfriend and the first woman who didn't dump him after a week even though he is 33. I also suspect that it may have been his first sexual experience. I can't be totally sure. But i have to think of myself so I have been dating other guys since. However I got sick of starting these little communications and then it dying out. This time after I had given up, he started the communication. Again cfids complicates everything. I know how draining it can be so maybe these forwards are his way of keeping in touch without the struggle to write. When a Cfids sufferer is feeling really bad they cannot even concentrate on television programmes. He is a man and has his pride. He was honest about his illness but also didn't like to appear weak in front of me. if i confront him now and he does have interest he is too ill to act on it and too proud to admit it. Just like he never gave me a good reason for breaking up with me but I know his relapse started then. I'm sorry for rambling on i'm just really cut up by this. My plan is to assume its allover, read nothing into this persue my new relationship (date #2 today), keep sending him emails ( i agree with reborn these forwards are the bottom of the communication chain) and see what happens. Interestingly Reborn the last email I sent him was a little funny essay about how I lost my father during a rainstorm, I sent it to him and a good male friend of mine. None of us can know whats in the mind of anyone. God I miss him though. Thanks again for your advice.
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