cassiana

Do you think that if you are patient and wait and send your perfect little emails that when they come back they are doing you an enormous favour and that you spend the rest of the relationship in the weaker position?

I feel like you guys all the time. Sometimes it wakes me up at night.Its not a question of meeting someone but the right someone. I thought my last ex was the one and we were so in sync that when he dumped me he rocked my confidence. Can I trust my instincts. Now im doing something I would never ever ever have dreamt of doing before. Im dating two men. Both tell me im beautiful, that they are glad they met me. I think Yeah RIGHT, I've heard that before and the last guy was more convincing. When We kiss I think of my ex and as I drive home after the dates I sometimes cry. Im angry at my ex because he has sent me back out to the big bad world alone and im being devoured by the wolves out there. All my good intentions and ladylike morals have left me alone. My impulse now is to do the opposite of what my instinct tells me. Yes honey, lots of people feel like you do.

No Contact is like dieting. Most of us need it and it can do us good and maek us feel better but if you overdo it, its death. The hardest part is knowing when and how to stop. Getting back with an ex is like rockclimbing. Just when you get to the top of some outcrop and the summit seems within your grasp you look out and see a whole new set of hills and obstacles between you and your goal. By the time you get to the top you are looking hot though and it all seems worth it.

Glad to hear you survived. I would move the car though. It could blow!

Today I feel like saying GAH! Because I said this stage would be interesting I was wrong. It has been over a week since my last email and the sod hasn't replied. I know he is busy with his sister's wedding in Italy at the weekend but all he has to do is make sure he gets his but in a suit and on a plane. One little email wouldn't kill him. Does this mean that he will never see me for the gods gift to mankind i am or is it true that men can only focus on one thing at a time? GAHHHHHH! By the way when he does reply it will be a long time before I will grace him with my witty reply. GAH!

We see what we want to see so its hard to tell if she is down or you hope that she is. I will tell you about my friend Helen (false name) whose story inspires me in my current situation. Helen and Mark had a great relationship. They just clicked and within a year they were talking marriage. Then out of the blue when they were together one year Mark tells Helen that he just doesn't see her in his future. She was gutted but said fine but I don't want to see you or hear from you again, its too painful. He rang her a few times for a couple of weeks then stopped. She wouldn't take her calls. She was truly heartbroken but got on with things. After about three months she had a relationship but it peterd out quickly. Then she continued on and was even planning to move. Then nine months after the relationship he rings her up and asks her out and begs her to take him back. She did but very slowly and with reservations. They are getting married in December. I'm trying to match her and maybe you should too. I'm amazed you r ex was brazen enough to ask if you are seeing anyone. I think the policy here is to be vague and maintain an air of mystery. If shes interested doubt and hope can win her back. All you can do is assume the worst and hope for the best. If you start dating you will look far more attractive to her and maybe you might actually meet someone nice.

I think that was a very insightful way of putting it. In all the success stories I have been party to with friends and acquaintances, the dumpee got on with their lives as best they could. I have been trying to emulate that in my own situation. Last week I was happy that we seemed to be back on friendly emailing terms but then when he didn't reply over the next few days I got upset. Maybe he is tiptoeing away. I don't know. My best friend dated a guy for a year but he kept cancelling on her. She fought with him over it but she was way down his list of priorities. She dumped him and they went their separate ways. Hes been trying to get bakc with her for the last year. Yesterday they went on their first date. Though she was the dumper, she only did it because he neglected her and now shes hoping that he will prove himself.

You are welcome. obviously all women are different but i know what some are capable of and some aren't. I also know that men don't often see their real faces. Some are genuine but some are best avoided. good Luck.

I would also advise no contact as she is with someone else. How nice and cosy for her to have a new guy but also the security of knowing that you are still there looking for scrAps. Did she dump you for him? The best revenge is to live well. Go out, have a good time and date. She might come crawling back, she might not. But if your thinking about you then you will feel better. She may not be so lucky again. Heh this site is full of girls who never got that lucky once. I hope hubman got out of that fire alive.

If I dumped a guy and was dating another I wouldn't want to see my ex unless 1. I was unhappy with my current guy and needed the ego boost of seeing someone I know likes me ( I wouldn't be so mean as to do that personally but some women would) 2. To have a friend whom I could use to make my current ex jealous (again too nice to do that) 3. I missed my ex and regretted the break-up and wanted to test the waters. (I could do that) 4. I felt really bad about hurting my ex and wanted to show that though we are no longer together that I do care about him and what he is going through. (While I would feel that about nice exs I'm too much of a coward to do that) 5.i am angry at you and just want to show you that I'm doing better than you. 6. I am angry with myself about what I did and am taking it out on you. (I personally couldn't do 5 or 6 but I have a friend who is at her meanest to me when she feels guilty for having let me down.She resents me for making her feel guilty) 7. She is thoughtless and just felt like meeting you(women generally invest alot of thought into their relationships so its unlikely. So does she fall into any of the above categories. Whichever motivation she has should determine your response.

My advice would be softly, softly. Anything that comes on too strong will scare her away. Flowers, presents or occasions of great effort and expense can be perceived as forms of emotional blackmail. If she still has mixed feelings then you could frighten her. Don't be romantic, if you are just back to talking. Take your time.

Well I was absolutely gutted when we broke up and thought he was the one. The months of NC helped me. Now i'm in a position where this new guy might be okay and may the better man win etc (assuming both don't think nah!) Its less stressful than sitting by the phone tearing my hair out. I think I followed the classic advice given here very closely so it will be interesting to see what happens.

Sorry Johnny, you are right I meant dumper. I am a terrible typist.

We broke up five months ago. He made three weak attempts to contact me within the first fortnight, but I didn't respond. He was about to start the course that caused the break-up anyway. After the course ended I sent him a joke by email( just like the email he sent me after the break-up) He responded within a day. He didnt respond to the next joke so four days later I sent him another and as he didn't reply to that I sen t him it again. Two days later I got back a cautios but personal email. It made clear that hie plans were finish his internship then go travelling. I read between the lines that I didn't figure in his plans while all that was going on. After the weekend I sent him a friendly and funny reply.I mentioned some fun things I was doing and some casual gossip etc. He replied the next day with a much friendlier letter. He mentioned he was getting ten weeks of social dancing lessons from a woman once a week. I didn't know what make of that. The next day I sent him a bubbly reply. He hasn't replied yet (two days). My plan is to email only as replies to him and at irregular intervals. I intend never to mention our relationship and I have given nothing away about what is going on in my lovelife(I've just began seeing someone in the last week). I,m not going to ask him out, especially behind the new guy's back.Any trips or plays I have mentioned never refer to the gender of my companion.( sometimes a date, sometimes a girlfriend) Am I doing the right thing?

While I don't have a success story of my own, I do know several within my circle of friends and acquaintances. I have referred to them here and there throughout my posts using false names for them. They are all true stories and If you would like I could list them here. The common thread is that the dumpee got on with their lives assuming that it was all over and the dumpee came back. Contact and time varied. I swear all my stories are true.

I have read that the key to getting your ex back is hope mixed with doubt. NC is good because it allows you to calm down. You may be angry and bitter but if you want your ex back better to keeep that to yourself. A few weeks break will help there. NC will help them doubt there hold on you. The occasional text will give them hope. However if you do it regularly at whatever spce intervals, you are becoming predictable so you lose the element of doubt. Mix it up a little.

Dumping is rarely mutual. it seems to me that you dumped him and he to save face, then decided to agree My ex dumped me and after two weeks emailed me a joke.I ignored it though I wanted him back like crazy. After coldly dumping me, I didn't think a joke really showed any respect for me or regret for what he had done. I contacted him myself four and a half months later. So if you want him back and are sure of it make a greater effort. If you have done enough to show respect for him and his damaged pride and he still doesn't reply re-establish NC. He will come back in his own time or not, depending on how he feels.

You are in the right place then. THere are alot of us who feel the same. I think the thing is to get on and live your life without ever expecting her to return.

When things are bad I have tried confiding in friends and family but really they don't want to know. I have always been the self-sufficient type whom they leaned on and when I need help they can't cope. I have expressed my feelings to a few and they have brushed them aside as something that I would never do. I consider this response to be very unhelpful and very selfish of them . I have severed frierndships because of it. A friend in need is a friend indee etc. I have little time for counsellors. Their responses are the same. They never give answers but ask you to find them within yourself. HELLO If I could do that I wouldn't be here paying you money. How concerned can someone be who will never see you again no matter how on edge you are if you don't sign the check. As for my EX. For now contact has been established.He may be happy with that or think that he has me on ice until he finishes his job, does his travelling and comes back about march but he is wrong. I am dating someone else. If this works out then my Ex is toast. He is on ice for me but he doesn't know it. I think counsellors call that taking back the power.

Well My ex dumped me over five months ago so I don't think it is really indicative of a justifiable fear on his part that I would be on the lookout to replace him is it? I cannot say whether he felt insecure in my feelings for him or not. All I can say is that he had no reason to doubt me. I felt he was the one for me and still do despite everything. My present on this site is indicative of this. He may have thought that I was more experienced in relationships than him by using the logical idea that I hadn't been sick and he had but again I never alluded to past relationships. Please explain this. He dumped me because he was going away to study for three months.I presume from this that he wasn't too interested in me or he felt that if I waited for him that he would owe me some sort of commitment that he wasn't prepared to make. While we were together I was never too busy to meet him, was always on time and never looked at another man. I was gutted when he dumped me and it showed. Tell me how any of that was manipulative ? Since the breakup there was absolutely no contact by me for 4 and a half months. How can that be perceived by him as manipulative? Manipulation cannot be cited as a cause for the break-up. If I'm trying to be manipulative now it is because he didn't appreciate me when I was genuine. You also think that he was probably unhappy dating me. He suggested lots of things he wanted to do and I participated in and enjoyed them all because we have similar interests. He sent me affectionate texts and emails. If he was unhappy while doing this it would suggest that he was the manipulative one not me. However I don't think either of us are manipulative. I think he was very happy dating me. I certainly wouldn't want him back if i felt otherwise. When describing myself physically earlier on I was making a point. It certainly does not mean that I'm obsessed with my looks. I think your image of me is some overly made-up blonde bimbo tottering to work on high heels. Nothing could be further from the truth. I don't even wear make-up to work. While I do like a little sympathy when I'm down I don't think there is sanyone, anywhere who doesn't. (poor all of us) Also I doubt if I'm the only one on this site who has cried while typing nor do I think that when very very upset am I the only one who hasn't wondered if it would be easier to go to sleep and never wake up. Must I keep these thoughts bottled in here,like we do in the real world? Believe me it is the ones who bottle it up who are in the greatest danger. I don't think I overreacted. I said that I was sorry if I made him angry. Note the words sorry and if. I also think that you have drawn alot of sweeping conclusions about me. I'm not histrionic. I'm a practical reserved shy person who has difficulty showing her emotions and drawing attention to herself in the real world ( hence the lack of make-up at work etc). While pigeonholes are handy in some regards, in other ways they are to general to be of use in deciphering the thoughts and actions of any one person. On Monday I replied to my ex with a very chatty sort of email. He replied on Tuesday in an equally friendly manner and I have responded again today. After he telling me that he has M>E and then he dumping me, the fact that I have contacted him after all this time must show that I genuinely care, that I am committed etc. I have no intention of mentioning meeting up or our relationship. i will leave that up to him. I'm not sure if that is what he wants.

Dear Stomacstress We were together for three months.I read that article and I think we were as far as the second phase only. It was all great dates and good company. We often went away for weekends. However you can only learn so much about someone in three months. He didn't realise that there was more to me than he had seen. He was shocked when I got angry at being dumped as i was never even mildly annoyed while we dated, but Heck I was happy, I wasn't repressing it. I'm an incredibly easy-going person, exceptionally so. I don't sweat the small stuff. However when Its something important or people impose once too often on my good nature I get really really angry.I don't smash things and I son't name call but I have a way of stating the facts that cuts to the bone. So despite the fact the fact that i never insulted him I left my ex feeling thoroughly bad about himself and what he had done. The question your article asks, was there things wrong in the relationship? Well I try not to be too negative when dating, nobody is perfect so all I had were mininiggles. His eyes filled up with tears twice, but on both occasions he was talking about his illness and on one occasion how he felt that his siisters were more concerned about how his illness affected their image. when I asked him how he was, he would tell me that he was tired. He was big into health food, resting, massage etc. I know he was recovering from M.E and needed to be careful, which I approve of, but there was the feeling that he was wrapping himself up in cotton wool. I met all his friends and family but he never met any of mine. I think that was partly my fault becuae I'm shy and let him take the lead anyway. Also the way he talked and acted through our relationship made me think that all that would happen in the fullness of time. On one occasion he texted me while he was in town shopping on a saturday saying he was going home but would be back in to meet me later. I texted him to say I was in a coffeeshop in town with my female best friend and would he like to pop in and say hi. He said another time. There never was another time. What bothered me (mini niggle) about that was, well I had made a huge effort with his family and friends and he couldn't be bothered just to stick his head in. But I know that after shopping he was going to have a lie down before meeting me. Every weekend he planned something nice for us to do and one weekend he panicked because there was nothing on. I said why don't we just rent a movie or go to the pub, but he wouldn't have it. Sometimes I wonder did he over exert himself and felt too tired to cope. If he did, he did it to himself. You say that your Exsays similar thing to me but you cannot tell her yet what you are feeling. What are you feeling?

Dear hitek-redneck Thanks for your reply. I woud have liked the drink but I live in Europe, but maybe next time I'm in America. I've driven accross it twice, great place, nice people. Glad to hear that your life is going well. I know I shot down your suggestions. I'm a very over-analytical person and i've been obssessed with this problem for months without coming to any conclusions. The thing is we can never know another person's mind for definite so you can pick holes in anyone's argument.I get so frustrated, it was such a good match you know. there has been a developement. Yesterday, Friday, he sent me an email first thing in the morning. He thanked me for my jokey emails and said they were hilarious. Then he told me that he was back at work after his course, that he was off to Italy on the 25th of September to his sister's wedding. He told me that his work finished in December and that he planned to take time off to travel. He wished me a nice weekend. Now he is a very analytical person too so every line he wrote would be carefully weighed. my interpretation of the note was that he was making it quite clear that I don't figure in his immediate plans. The thing is I was well aware of these plans all through our relationship but didn't see how they affected our relationship. people go off to war for 18months and they don't need to dump or divorce. I think that he is very selfish and wanted to cut off all hassle while he goes off and finds himself. I also think that despite this i'm in a better position than I was on thursday because now I can write back. He is selfish and confused and immature. I think it might be possible to make him think that he is missing out. He is prone to jealousy and self-pity and I hope to use these to my advantage. I will email him a bright and breezy reply on Monday afternoon alluding to a great weekend but vague on who I was with. Meanwhile I went on a second date with a guy last night and I'm going on a first date with a guy tonight. I'm keeping every option open. I might meet someone else which would be great but that aside do you think my strategy with my ex will pay off?

I'm sorry to hear that you are so upset. Firstly most people have bad times. Also most people have a low opinion of themselves. These feelings are common. You may see people looking well-adjusted going down the street but they are not. It just doesn't show in public. What exactly is falling apart? Firstly your parents divorce. This could be a good thing for your mother and it means you can visit her while not having to deal with your father. You fear the change, but from what I can tell its a change for the better. Secondly your brother is divorcing but that is his affair. it doesn't impact directly on you. As you get older you will realise the importance of not worrying about things you cannot control. Your priority should be to make a go of your own marriage. You are a bit young in my opinion but I have often heard of long happy marriages starting off at an early age. My fear here is that you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. By fearing a marriage by like your parents and not accepting that yours is different, you may ultimately damage your marriage.This is what you must deal with now. Try counselling. I think it could help. People get release from self-harm. Don't fall in that trap. Try healthier ways of releasing your frustration, excercise or so,etimes I go for a drive and scream in my car. It gets it out. also remember your hormones. I had a diary when I was 18 and I just wrote that I wanted to die. It is a fraught time of life, but it ends. I know my hormones still affect me every month. If I know that's the reason. I relax and get my perspective back. I hope thats some help.

Well im sorry that you are angry with me. The truth is I do follow advice. I contacted my ex after four and a half months on the advice of Beec. What you say about game playing makes sense and it could be true. Its just that the whole M.E thing means that there could be other issues at play here. While behaviour falls into general patterns all situations are different and I'm just afraid that if I don't give the full story you won't be in a position to give your best advice. As for sympathy, of course I want it. In the everyday world I get up make myself look as well as I can and go out and do my job. Tonight i'm going on a date with a guy. Tomorrow I'm going to see another guy, I'm doing my best. But here is where I go when I feel low or scared or that this is all too much. Some people might get drunk or whatever, I go here. Here i repeat myself over and over again and I feel alot better if someone says you poor thing, whats so wrong with that? I would do the same for you.I know you don't know the answer, how could you, you don't even know where i'm from or what my ex is like but the fact that you took an interest made me feel better.

I wonder is it a conditioning thing. With me when I get let down again and again, it gets to a stage where I can't cope with someone being nice to me. There is this feeling that, My life is very hard right now and I'm coping, if I let this guy in he will make me soft and when he inevitably dumps me my life will be even harder than it is now. just a thought.