cassiana

As a woman dumped by a man, the no contact rule is probably the best bet. But you are two women and lets face it we women are a complicated bunch. We take things far too personally and over analyse and obsess. In heterosexual relationships you have the ying and yang of male and female thought patters a rocky sea that i'm only learning to navigate but two women thats new and rough in a whole different way.women may forgive but never forget. what i can say though is that your 24/7 living and working arrangement were a recipe for disaster. Even jesus, Buddha and Gandhi would be at each others throats. You two need a serious long term holiday from each other. Maybe you could say that to her. How about a 3month break. Then tou would have no contact but the prospect of legitimaTE non-threatening contact at the end of it. it is recommended that you could do something to improve yourself in the meantime change your hair, lose weight or something that you know would remind her of why she was attracted to you in the first place.

well this thread kind of matches my own story. my boyfriend was dumped after 3 weeks by a girl and then met me and asked me out. He is a bit of a pessimist and to his shock he had a great time and was not dumped. However fear of success is a terriblr thing because men have egos and I think commitment reared its ugly head though I have never mentioned it. Anyway after 3 months he without warning dumped me. He has M.E and was about to do a very difficult law course that he couldn't do when he was ill and the pressure got to him. I was shocked, i'd been in enough bad relationships to know that this was a great one. However I didnt plead or beg. I didn't insult him. However I expressed my shock and anger, squeezed out a single tear for effect and walked out. He looked miserable when i left and sent me two jokey emails within the next two weeks followed by a bland birthday card. With the help and advice of my friends I didn't reply to these cowardly gestures.I knew that there was no hope for us while he was freaking out about the course. Well its been four months of no- contact now and there is about four more weeks left in the course. In the meantime I have been on a 3week holiday to europe and went out on a few dates. I've tried to take it for granted that he won't come back but I can think of about 5 times within my own circle when the man came back after similar treatment. Last week I attended the wedding of a couple where the girl was the one who baulked at commitment after five years. they reconciled after she had a year to get it out of her system.If my boyfriend does come back I promise to post it here to give hope. All I can say now is 4 months of no contact can be done.

Please answer Tere's question. then ponder this. I was dumped by my guy and have been researching the best method to win him back. The advice I have been given is if he contacts me to be friendly and aloof so he will value me, fear losing me and spend longer than he ever has before thinking about me. It sounds to me like your ex is either intentionally or unintentionally doing this beautifully.

He should apologise to her because a man should never ever ever hit a woman, no matter what provocation. Men are physically stronger than women. Generally a woman's punch can do little damage whereas a man can do considerable damage. Its like taking a rifle out and blowing the brains out of someone who squirted you with a waterpistol. Its not comparing like with like at all. A real man should know that and restrain himself. The classy thing to do would be and apologise unreservedly for hitting her, no excuses he shouldn't have done it. Having said that she should never have tried to punch you. A real lady would know that a real man would never hit her and so would not use this taboo to her advantage. So basically both sides left themselves down there. I would hope as he makes his Im sorry and theres no excuse for hitting you apology she would have the class to acknowledge her own part in the saga. That would see both of them behaving in a civilised manner. She will never acknowledge it though if he goes in saying im sorry I hit you but you asked for it. Thats wifebeater talk. If he says we were both overwrought but I should never have raised my hand to you no matter what, then hopefully she will cut him some slack. You have to meet a woman in the middle. As for her dumping him, she did and he has nothing to apologise for there. However if he wants her back he would do well to follow some NC. P.S. If a woman tries to shoot you, shoot back, because that's comparing like with like.

She will of course read your letter. All people are curious. We may steam a letter open and shut it, but we always read it. It is obvious at this stage that you are not in control of your emotions. You are at the how could the callous ??????? do that to me? I've been there quite recently myself. It is a cold and friendless land. While you are at that stage you will only end up doing something stupid and NC is advised. As you get distance, you get perspective. You decide do I still want this person? What would be the best way to get her back. (Violence, weakness and guilt don't work, but a makeover and an air of almost indifference makes a gal rethink, hmmm ) If thats not possible or you don't want to reconcile, then plunder the experience for future use and take a break from gender warfare for awhile. Every soldier is entitled to a break after his tour of duty. When all seems lost ponder the career of John Travolta. In the early nineties he couldnt get himself arrested, then pulp Fiction and hes hollywood A list again. Did he suddenly become handsomer or a better actor. No. Instead Tarantino simply pointed out and reminded a fickle worl of what was always there. Travolta didn't change, but by being in that film he changed people's perceptions of him. There's a lesson there. About the hitting. It is a huge taboo. My mother was beaten by her brother and had it beaten (figuratively0 into me and my brothers that it is unacceptable period. If a man beat me I would be very very very very very very slow to forgive him. Having said that from what I can gather you weren't full on violent. Its really hard for me to judge but if you were rough, rather than dominating, aggressive ot violent, then eventual forgiveness is possible. I suppose it depends on how threatened she felt. For yourself, don't let your emotions rule your head again. You'll get further doing vice versa. good luck.

It sounds like you have had a tough old time of it. I'm no expert but I broke up with my ex last April because he was under pressure. I was very upset but had heard about this no contact rule. I plagued everyone both online and offline, what would be the best thing to do to win him back. The majority consensus was don't make contact. You are too upset and hurt to do anything but cry and plead which apparently doesn't help. So I haven't done that and I will let you know if NC actually delivers when he is finished his exams. However from my own friends etc I have seen people completely stuff up then change tactics and win back the situation. One girl I know had been dating this guy for 7 years but he lived at home and wouldn't move out. They broke up a few times when she tried to puch him and he would refuse, but though she did the dumping she would come crawling back and the issue remained unresolved. Towards the end they actually were broken up , went away for a weekend and he proposed to her and she put on her grandmother's ring. But then he lay waake next to her all night tossing and turning and was odd all weekend and she said do you want this and he said no. They broke up and by the weekend she was on the phone saying this is too hard. They got back together but broke up again. At this stage her friends took her in hand. She booked a flight to Australia to visit relatives and when she came back, she went car shopping. She was aloof when he rang and always busy. They were engaged within three weeks and married 7 months later. So if you stuff up , its not necessarily over. It might be but it might not be. So forge on with your life and see what happens. good luck.

I came here to get advice from strangers with no vested interest. Some said things I wanted to hear which was great. Some said things I didn't like, that made me feel bad about my chances of reconciliation. That's even better. I don't want to be comforted by false hopes. Likewise when I dispense my little nuggets of "wisdom" I'm not necessarily going to tell people nice stuff. I have told people that their ex sounds bad or that maybe they are being self-centred because I assume that these are people like me who are trying to get a handle on their situation. There's nothing wrong with having a fault, and it is wonderful when a fault that you were unaware of that is ruining your life is pointed out to you. You can work on it and benefit from it. I also am absolutely no expert and i'm only getting the version of events that one biased side is getting and thereforeeee my advice is coloured by that. I also take that into consideration on any advice I receive. So this site is like alcohol, use wisely, in moderation and don't let it become a substitute for living and after that enjoy it. Surely letting rip for a couple of weeks here after a breakup beats two bottles of Jack Daniels and a very large chocolate cake.

This is my reading of the situatio. You had an argument because you didn't get your way. You broke up. You reconciled. She was so in love with you that she wanted to marry you but you got cold feet and left her. This is a terrible terrible thing to do. Did you ever stop to think how she felt that night. You implied that she was good enough to screw but not to marry. That you would use her as long as you felt like it but wouldn't marry her. She probably felt the heart ripped out of her. She probably felt cheap and undesirable. She was probably very angry at your rejection from her. She needed to ease the pain. What is the point of working and being selctive if you end up on the scrapheap. Might as well grab the first guy I see, someone with no ties to me, so I can feel something again other than this pain. Does she want you to feel jealous, yes, because despite what you did to her she really cares for you. Why are you still having arguments and why is she still crying and why is she goading you if she doesn't have feelings for you. But now she feels that you have no feelings for her and after two breakups she reckons she cannot trust you. You caused alot of this yet you are vicious towards her. You are trying to blame her for trying to protect herself from the pain you caused. You don't seem willing to respect the lions share of the responsibility here. If you hadn't got cold feet she wouldn't be with this man. You talk about being harsh to her but the truth is harsh etc etc. Maybe the harsh truth is that you are a bit self-centred? I'm not having a go at you , I just want you to realise that you will never get her back with stick, you have to get the carrots out. I'm being harsh because you seem to care, but you're showing that to us but not to her. She probably thinks you hate her. Try to empathise with her. What have you told her about your feelings? I hope you haven't been putting her down.

I broke up with an ex last november, knew it was not meant to be and met my next boyfriend within 3weeks. When we broke up last April, It was under different circumstances and I know that there is a fifty/fifty chance of reconciliation by september when he returns to my area. This has been a very painful and stressful time. Unlike in the past with other relationships, I can't move on so easily, but I will if needs be. I have found this forum a great way of getting my frustration out of my system without hounding all my friends and family. Going over what happened ad nauseum works for me. It gets it out of my system. I have been devastated by this particular breakup but I've drawn strength from this forum and today as I sit here I know that if I don't reconcile with my ex I will simply move on and have even taken steps in that direction. This forum is great. People have told me what I didn't want to hear and also offered hope. We will use the forum for as long as it helps then move on. The time limit depends on the individual. But don't abandon the site because you don't like what you hear. But don't believe everything you hear also. None of us know the precise details of each others situation and our own personal bias sometimes creeps in to the advice. Use selectively, but not so selectively that you shut out the awful truth. Another thing, when I go out there again I will be a more savvy dater thanks to this forum.

I read your email and all I could think was typical! typical! He got it good too early and he has rosy view of the dating scene. What needs to happen is that he ends up having some really bad experiences. With typical hypocrisy he would probably be horrified to think you were doing the same thing. Funnily enough I have a female friend who did the same thing. She had been going out with a Frenchman for four years, they had a holiday to Italy booked and she dumped him. Then she went beserk, out partying every night for a month. He kept asking her why. She couldn't offer a rational explanation other than it was too soon for her. They reconciled a year later and are now married. So take comfort from that. BTw America didn't join the fighting until after pearl harbour when its own interests were threatened. Don't believe everything Hollywood tells tou.

Mixmaster has got it spot on. That is exactly how im feeling now. My boyfriend has M.E and had a really intensive course coming up. The week before the split one of his colleagues was in an accident putting more pressure on him in work and he got a terrible migraine. When he dumped me he praised me for my humour, my understanding and support. He didn't tell me how worrried about the course he was. Instead he said he needed his own space. He confided in a mutual friend that he was tired and that he didn't really mean to break up with me. He then sent me two jokey emails and a very vague birthday card. My feeling is this. I knew he had M.E and I had seen how it could impact on his life. I had been supportive so why couldn't he just tell me that it would affect our relationship for the duration of the course. I would have understood. I'm desperately hurt that he could jettison me in a crisis and if I agree to be his friend (not that he asked) I would be allowing him to ease his selfish conscience when I would still be hurting. As for a reconciliation, how can I be sure he has any feelings for me and won't toss me aside again the next time he has a crisis? To me dumping is about being sure that you and that person have no future together. Only a very selfish person would dump someone they liked rather than communicate.

It sounds like panic to me. I work in a school and one girl who had just received a permanent teaching post she had craved turned to me and said ohmygd im going to be stuck here the rest of my life. My reply was no you wont only if you choose to stay. So sometimes wished for security becomes a prison sentence. Its a panicked, am i doing the right thing reaction. Even though it is a great prospect in this modern shiny magazine world theres a bit of us wondering, could we do better, get more. My solution would also be based on a shiny magazine. Package yourself as something worth persuing, something unattainable, shift expectation and see what happens. i like to toss in real-life examples because they cheer me up. So heres a true one. Andy met a girl called vikki, just recently arrived from Russia. She still hadnt acclimatised herself to the local way of thinking and she had a lot of pressure from home for money etc. Andy fell madly for her, but she was less enamoured. Also the cultural differences made her seem alot colder. The relationship was progressing weel enough but immigration threw a spanner in the works. The very very nice, affable Andy offered a solution, marry me. They had been seeing each other a year and though Vikki was fond of him it is unlikely she would have married him at this stage if immigration hadn't kicked in. They lived together in a nice house and both had good jobs. Andy was one of those pleasant guys, who clearly adored her while her love was'nt as strong. They say the one that loves the least has the power and that was her. He was always thinking of ways to please her, he was very understanding and tolerant. Anyway Vikki met another man through work and a year after her marriage to Andy she began an affair. Andy was unaware of this. The affair went on for months and Vikki was thinking seriously about leaving Andy. She became cold and snappish with Andy who suspected something was wrong but didn't know what. He tried to pay no heed and ride it through in his own nice way but eventually he had to confront her. She didn't tell him about the affair but she told him that she was thinking of leaving him. Then Andy looked at her and said "Vikki I love you very much but if you don't love me I would rather you packed your thing and go and end things cleanly. I do not want to live with you if you don't love me". This response shocked her. She expected him to be understanding or beg for a chance to go to counsellors or work it out. She broke off her affair and remained with Andy and they are still together two years later. It was Vikki who told me this story. I know its not the same but I think the psychological aspect is quite similar. When my ex broke up with me he was shocked at my anger. He said to me that he always saw me as someone with a sunny disposition and he couldn't get over the change in me. Maybe i'm an Andy myself. Maybe theres a bit of Andy in everyone on this forum.

Dear Size 813 Family is family. They or may not love you to bits but when she dumps you the family have to go along. I accidently bumped into my exs mother, nephew and sister about 10 days after the breakup. I did'nt ask after him and we were all very polite. As his mother left she said, I hope I will see you again. I knew then that they were on my side and I don't think I would have got that unless I had been restrained. Restraint is everything in this game. Okay you acted a bit bezerk those first two weeks but now you know, restraint. 1. make absolutely no contact. She knows where you are and how you feel. 2. Do not pop up everywhere like a stalker. 3. If you do meet or she contacts you, be friendly but aloof. Let her initiate any conversation about returning. I'm 2 1\2 months into no contact. My ex is doing a course so I know I can expect nothing until that ends. It has been sheer hell. There is the lack of appetite, crying, frustration, anger etc etc. Do not resort to pills, you don't need them because what you feel is natural. If you suppress it you will never be able to cope with life. If you survive it, you will be a stronger person. When things are really bad, click on here and see that it doesn't matter what age or gender you are you can be treated like this and hurt. We are all dragging ourselves along too. I'm proud of myself though. I know if I win him back that he will not treat me so lightly again. Right now he needs to do his course and see that the grass isn't as green on the other hill. When he comes back to my green hill there will be a very big admittance fee.

Well Dr Nick If I still have feelings for a guy and have invested alot of time and sacrifice into the relationship and he turns around and said that he only wants to be friends again I would feel humiliated. I would feel that he was rejecting the most intimate part of me. To me it would be I thought you had a lovely personality but the rest was a disappointment. If I did become friends again and had feelings still for you then whenever you produced another girlfriend I would be gutted and wonder why her and not me. Then I would wonder, does she know our past. If she does I would be more humiliated and she, most likely would feel threatened. The only time I would rekindle a friendship with an ex was if I was totally over him and in a better relationship. Then I woouldn't feel humiliated but I would never rekindle it while single.

Do you want her back or do you want to date her? If it was me I wouldn't go back to being friends with you, you can't put those things in reverse and it would hurt too much anyway.

To be honest your ex sounds like pure trouble. Your relationship was run by him from the start. He was pushy and insanely jealous. It sounds llike the bad times outnumbered the good and that if you hadn't broken up you might be in a worse mess. I think move on, men are nicer than that.

Now I may be getting this wrong but it seems to me that she made temendous sacrifices to be with you and then she was left alone for long periods of time in the temple of your ex girlfriend possessions. Now you have moved again to another city, so presumably she would have to move yet again to be with you. We girls like to know that we are loved and that we are going to be loved into the future. She has invested in you but you have done your own thing and dragged her along. Now i'm only guessing from the scant facts I have but I think she felt unloved and unappreciated and figured that was never going to change. You should create a more positive environment around yourself before you contact her. You should be certain that shes the one you want and that you are willing to put in the effort before you mess with her again. good luck.

When my ex dumped me he said he might regret it. This suggested that there was still interest. It was either intentionally or unintentionally manipulative. The dumpee, who retains feelings can grab on to this but they shouldn't. My advice to you is this, do not contact him at the moment. A month of no contact isnt enough for either of you. For him because, and i'm not being facetious but I think of a good example from the simpsons. Marge kept nagging homer for being too soft on Bart so one time they send him to bed without supper. Bart is in bed thinking ,aybe they mean it this time, maybe I should straighten up and fly right. Then just as he is thinking this homer sneaks in with a pizza. When Homer leaves Bart laughs, suckers! If your ex has feelings for you a month isn't enough to realise that and to fear that he may have pushed you too far and has lost you. By putting up with all this and coming back for more you are undervalueing yourself and he will do likewise. Also a month is too short a time for you. If you tallk to him now your feelings will leak out no matter how much you resolve to be cool. At this stage love is like a poker game, you can't show your hand too soon. You need now to go out and occupy your mind. Try new things and date a bit also. You will seem more attractive to him because others will value you and then he will wonder if he let a good thing go. The ideal situation is that he would contact you and then be friendly but aloof.

It is an interesting point. Is it easier for the girl or the boy to get an ex back. I shall compare two real life examples. My friend met this guy through work and took a shine to him. She asked him to accompany her to a wedding, ha agreed then cancelled. A month later he dated another girl. That ended three monthd later and then he asked my friend out. They dated for more than a year. My friend really liked him but was very frustrated. She attended loads of weddings as his partner but he wriggled out of any of hers. He always had to cancel to work or help a very demanding sister. She dumped him a few times because he was making no effort. He would apologise but then do the same crap again. This wore her down. She knew she wasn't on his list of priorities at all. She finally dumped him November 2002. He contacted her at christmas, could they talk it over, she said okay but he never got back to her about the arrangements. That was it for her. Anyway he is in constant text contact with her and still calls to her office occasionally. Now she doesn't care, so sometimes she answers his texts, sometimes she doesn't. In May 2004 he asked her back by text. She didn't reply. She said to me that it would be the same old crap again and she didn't want to go through it and all his previous behaviour has put her off. He is still texting her and visiting her in his office. He could have got her back at christmas 2003 and probably for some months afterwards. im her friend and she tells me everything and I think its too late now. She dumped him because she liked him but he hurt her too much. She dumped him hoping that he would change his act and ask her back. She never wanted to dump him in the first place and would never ever ask him back. In my case my ex dumped me after giving the matter his attention for about ten seconds. He dumped me because he panicked, he has M.E> and had a very intensive law course coming up and the week before the breakup this tension had manifested himself in a two-day migraine which was something he suffered from when his illness was at its worse. He told me none of this. Instead he told me that he had asked not to meet me the previous saturday because he had a cold and didnt want to pass it on. He told me that that saturday he had realised that he enjoyed his own company. (This doesnt explain why he asked me to take a train trip with him the following monday, our last outing.) He told me that I had been great and nothing but supportive but he thought that things were stale on that train trip. I pointed out that I had been up at 6am to get that train and had a cold. He conceded this and said that porbably no-one laughed as much on that train trip as we did. This is true for though i moan on this forum, in real life i'm very witty and my ex really had a good laugh every time he met me. That trip had been great and we had clowned around etc. Anyway the upshot was that he didnt want to give me the real reason for the breakup and instead substituted it with excuses. We didn't have chemistry etc. I tore all his arguments apart. For example when cross-examined the chemistry story was based on the fact that we didn't hold hands in public. I pointed out I was shy and from a non-demonstrative family as was he. (We did hold hands once, but thats when an ex said hello to me. ) He conceded that I had given him much to think about. (so much for his legal career). He also said that he might regret this next week. I knew he wouldn't because this breakup was all about the course which lasts until august. SO i'm rambling now sorry. The thing is my ex dumped me because of pressures at work. The question now is does he regret it? Can he pony up the guts to come back, apologise and beg me to give him a second chance?

I think you raise a very valid point. I smiled when you referred to the dumpers as the bad guys. I recently saw the Fog of War in the cinema and one of the lessons Robert MacNamara learned in relation to the cuban missile crisis was, empathise with your enemy. I know our problems may not punch holes in the earths crust but it could help. I thought about what you said. I have dumped people myself and fely bad about it but I have never regretted it. The guys I dumped were all only a month or less into relationships and they were chaps I was allergic to. In each occasion I was relieved to be home alone and never once felt a pang of regret. I suppose that's why I'm so Angry. I have been dumped too by guys because they suffered my company and they felt relieved at my parting. On those occasions I may have tried to make it work but saw their point and felt relief myself. What makes me so mad this time is that we were both in a very very happy relationship when my ex pulled the plug for reasons that had nothing to do with me or our lovely relationship. It was a combination of exam pressure and the fact he is recovering from M.E. It could also be fear of commitment. He admitted while dumping me that we had a great relationship and that he might regret it. This kind of faffy must examine my nael dumping makes me angry. Its not like great relationships are common and I reckon they are worth preserving despite the inconvenience. But lets say he regrets it. How can he overcome his pride to tell you. The temptation here is to give a sign, some conciliatory gesture so that the way back is made smoother. I have done this in the past and it has never worked so this time I'm sticking with no contact. I will give you an analogy. I used to teach boys in their early teens. When you were a new teacher they would try and push you , you would put up with it until they went too far and then you would come down on them like a ton of bricks. They would sit there cowed and I would soften, that was my big mistake. Then they knew my bark had no bite and they would walk alover me. After trial and error the correct way to hanlde them is this. Wait for one of them to do a small thing wrong. Give him pure hell and dont soften. The rest think jeez if shes that tough over a little thing like that im not doing anything. The truth is the misdemeanor wasnt that bad but you have to establish that you will not be messed with. You win their respect. My ex sent me two jokey emails and a fairly vague birthday card within two weeks of the breakup. Before, despite the coldness of his words to me I would have jumped on these olive twigs to ease the path back to him. But what I'm really saying is I have no respect for myself. you needn't respect me either. Im an extremely proud and awesomely stubborn person but I believe that if I dumped someone and regretted it I would suck it up and apologise. I have done worse as a dumpee. If my ex comes back he will respect me. If I make it easier for him he will dump me again. Thats my theory toady anyway.

I love reading these forums. I'm currently adhering strictly to the no contact rule and rather than reaching for my phone or emailing my ex and losing him forever or boring my friends again and again I go here and I feel better. It keeps my fingers from wandering and it stops me from being bitter. If it wasn't for seeing so many guys missing their exs I would probably thing all men were selfish egomaniacs and I certainly wouldn't want to think that. I have learnt so much. For example I'm an active person and the stress of doing nothing was alleviated by the observation that, that is a sign of strength in itself. After my breakup i knew that there coiuld be no contact while he tried to cope with his stressful law course while managing his illness. So 2+half months down and !+half to go, but at least I will be travelling Europe for 3weeks during it. I love the fact that we are all experts and clueless at the same time. I would love to hear the happy endings. If mine works out I will come back and tell all. I don't know if I told this before but a friend of mine called Jennifer started dating paul and it was one of those theyre heading down the aisle relationships. Even though she was about 23 and he was about 28 within a year marriage had been mentioned by both. They were both very enthusiastic. Then one night he called over and very coldly told her Jennifer I don't see you in my future. She was naturally upset. Anyway he did try ringing a few times within the next week or so, the lets be friends thing and she said No it would be tooo painful. Now Jennifer is a plain girl with a weight problem but she goto n with her life. She was devastated but did briefly date another guy. She decided it was over and acted accordingly. Paul heard of the other relationship. Anyway nine months after the breakup and about five months since her other lack lustre relationship ended, he rings her up. He wants her back. She arranged to meet him and thrashed things out. They got back together but this time she gave less and expected more from him. She still went to his games etc, but nowhe had to do stuff she liked too. They are getting married in December.

Do you guys think that different strategies work for different genders? When my ex dumped me he said he had few friends and that by doing this he was losing one of them. He never said lets be friends. Two days later he told a mutual friend that he hadn't meant to break up at all but needed time to reflect on the relationship and its future. He told her and me that I had been great. As i have said onthis site he has M.E. and has embarked on a difficult course which will end at the start of august. He sent me some jokey emails and a birthday card after the dumping but before the course began. I think he might wanted to have maintained contact or something but the subtext was that really he was panicking about his course and couldn't cope. So i didn't reply because 1. I didn't want to add to the stress. 2. I didn't want him to think I was a doormat and all was ok. 3. He wouldn't be emailing during the course due to lack of facilities and time so I would be in silence anyway. 3. adhering to the NO Contact rule. So i wonder, staying friends versus no contact. I think with my ex his ego might not have wanted me to see how weak M.E made him. I have had people tell me that a man may prefer to dump a girl and have her still think him a man than expose his weaknesses. If that is true then maybe No contact might be a better strategy for retrieving a man whilst remaining friends may work better on a woman.

Thanks, I think you are right. I just worry that he might be afraid to contact me. I was pretty mad when we broke up and as 'im normally very placid it tends to scare the bejaysus out of people. Though some guys go for the emma peel vibe. Hes a bit of a beta male so it might be a turn -on who knows. The problem is I have overanalysed myself into paralysis with the result that 11 wks after the split and I haven't done anything. I will keep that up for the mean time. After that I think a convent. This stuff is worse than my driving test. Thanks for the support.

in a month I Will be in france. I was thinking of sending him a text message saying that I lit a candle for him in Notre Dame to bring him luck in his exams. I thougt that It would show I was out there living as well as being a fairly bland non-threatening message. Also he is more religious than I and likes that sort of thing. Would that blow my no contact? It would be 3months by then?

John and I dated for three wonderful months. We were both very happy. Then impulsively and as a knee jerk reaction to a bad week in the office and an upcoming out of town course he had to do he dumped me. He has M.E and was very worried he would fail this course which he wouldhave done six years earlier if he hadn't spent 2 years housebound with this illness. He dumped me coldly but by the time I walked out on him he felt like a rotter. The following monday he told our mutual friend Anne that he hadn't meant to dump me but just needed space to reflect on the future of our relationship. He never admitted to me how worried he was about the course, I learned that through Anne. She also told me he had had a migraine for two days about a week before he dumped me.He said he would contact me. He sent me two jokey email forwards over the next week and a very impersonal birthday card message. Then he went on his course. It has been over two months since the dumping and I have not contacted, not even replied to his 3 paltry attempts at communication. anne met him at the course (she was up there at a conference, they are in the same profession) and asked had he been in contact with me. He said that he had sent me a card but I hadn't replied. He was very guarded. The course wasn't as bad as he feared and when it finishes in August he plans to travel for two weeks. He hasn't been with another girl since (though i shudder with fear writing that in case I jinx myself). What should I do?