J Sorel

I think that how you handle his anouncement in the couple of days to come is very important. Tell him that you undetrstand his need for space, but be direct, also make it clear that you will be there for a certain amount of time and in a limited way until he gets is head cleared up. Tell him you support his taking time to think things through, a badly made decision is not something you support, but that he also needs to keep in mind that his "break" is giving you conflicting messages and that you are willing to support his needing space in the short time, he shouldnt take it for granted that you will be there whenever he needs you. When e chooses you, then he'll have all of yuo. So long as he's unsure, then he should know that tis means things wont continue just as before ... Be strong and clear. Good luck, Sorel

Oh thats good news! Ok listen, give her time to come around.. answer if she calls, but dont always be there when she calls. Dont play too hard to get, but I think u shoudl continue to appear removed and distant, ... not too much, but enough so she realises that she COULD erally lost u.. My ex came back crying and I let him know Id take him back right away, and it turned out that he just wanted confirmation that I was still there for him.. and then he took off again..So dont give her the certainty that u will just be there for her whenever she comes around.. I think ure doing alright my dear.

I think Dan was right. In this case, there's no point in using no contact.. you made amistake, u came clean, give her time to forgive you.. back off, but do something charming, original , once in a while, an inside-joke kind of thing.. leave something fo rher .. (dont overdo this, a few time is more than enough) and dont demand anything in return,, not for her to talk to you orgive u some of her time or whatever.. Just remind her your in her life, and that yuo love her, and understand that she neds time, but yuo lov eher enough to wiat for her to heal.. (Dont tell her youll wait forever.) But being gentle is the key here.. dont go overboard..! You have agood chance, she obviously cares a lot about you. A guy di dthe same thing to me,, I forgave him in time. and we had a few more years together and it was lovely.

Dear Belle, I do apologise for getting mixed up between the realtionships.. Sometimes its difficult to understand thru this email medium. Well, I do understand where you are now in your thinking.. I know for myself, that if this guy ever comes back to me, I cannot take him back right away , even if i want to, for it will be suicidal and the only thing he will learn is that a person can do the worst things to me and get away with them.. He may do it again,.. I suppose that woud be my reasoning for making it hard for someone to come back.. It could be that, in your case, this boy was dreadfully afraid you would hurt him again if he made it too easy for you.. BUT.. I have a feeling that although you did the dumping, it was not for the frivolous reasons my guy left me for.. Im sure that you left for serious reasons, and that changes everything.. When a breakup happens for significant reasons, both parties have to accept responsibility for the end: the one who officially ended it for taking the decision, and the other party for having had something to do with that decision.. and it seems like this guy is focusing on his hurt a bit too much. You want someone who can be magnanimous towards you. Capable of looking beyond his own hurt.. But you know, I doubt he will never contact u again. .people dont work that way.. You'll hear from him, and I admire your strength in not allowing him to make you beg.. You respect yourself, he will respect you in the end, and you cant have love for someone if u cant admire them...and that applies even if u decide to forget about him and go on to others.. I dont worry about you settling for just anything and that improves your chances of hitting it right the next time.. So really, you are doing the best thing long-term. Bonne nuit!

If u had split cause of fighting or differences in religion or cultrue or other thing sthat some poepl split about.. I would say, stay as a friend.. Here she took u for granted.. she is confidant to g out and seethe world cause she knows ure there waiting.. Really.. Its death to your chances in this situation.. Later.. AFTER she pursues u to get in ocntact with u.. u canconsider edging back in as afriend knowig that she has and is till the one trying to draw u back into her life.. but not NOW... ITS giving her more reason to not want to be with u.. PLease.. a guy who is friends with an ex who is like" I want to see what else is out there" STAND UP FOR YOUR WORTH BOY>> if u dont.. SHE SURE AS HELL WONT EITHER. I mean this kindly, i know the hell u'regoing thru.. and i just want u to succeed.. Youre a nice guy.. bu i want u to finish FIRST, not last.

I think you are spot on about the whole 'consumer culture' affliction.. We feel the need to change cars and clotehs and what not so often.. I thin it may very well have the social lives of certain people. I too feel badly for them, because they will continue on an endless search for a happiness that keeps slipping away.. Have you ever read Charles Taylor on the effect of consumer culture on our private lives.. or Simone Weil on the theory of attention? You may be interested in what they have to say.. esp Simone weil..

Dear Belle, Your case sounds heartbeaking.. really its sad, because here you have two people who, ddep down, are open to trying to be with each pother again, and yet, cant seem to get the actual words out.. Perhaps if you found some super-classy way of saying "have you noticed, honey, Im not running after yuo, the more you play at being distant, the more distance you really put between us? " He may stop to think.. and it may opne the kind of honest discussion that seems to have broken down between you two and has been covered up by a second level game. it has been 7 years, and aftr eseven years, I think here i sreal love between you.. Even the ultimate game players turn in their cards before they reach the 7 year mark.. You dont want to end up like the two in Dangerous Liasions (the original La Close one) where it turns out, at the end of all the games and hurt and double-speaking, that there was real love.. but just burried between the social levels.. Try and find a way my dear, in one sentence maximum,, of telling him this.. it will slice through so much, and you should have all the confidence of the years behind you..Im telling u, a relation betwen people that exists before they go out, and goes on after you are "officially" not togethre, but yuo are a super-intelligent girl and you know that.. You have had a real relationship with this person for seven years, more actually, when i think of it.. Woudl you consider being the one to slice through the game?

You probably recall that in 'Le Rouge et Le Noir' Sorel meets Mathilde de la Mole.. the Parisien girl who falls for him becausehe ha sa lot going for him and does not fall for her charms.. she tries desperate;y to win him.. She siucceeds, but then as she was always more prone to what the Greeks called 'Ludos' or 'Love of the Game' than real love, she dismisses him, finding her feeligs suddenly didminished now that she has him in her pocket.. Sorel meets the German Prince, Korasoff, who gives him instructions to follow.. he says, astutely, that there are humans who are sentimentaly intelligent and can see true love an dbeauty where it exists, but the majority can be defined by certain behavioural patterns.. He insists that this Mademoiselle de la Mole is one such creature and advises Sorel to 1) ignore her existsnce 2) pay court to another woman of stature who Mathilde could be intimidated by 3) be utterly cold when she seeks him out.. He also says to continue to put her in her place periodically aftre he has won her back, that he must follow these tactics from time to time.. Then Stendhal has this wonderful anecdote about a hunter who raises a baby tiger from birth, and tho the tiger knows nothing but the hunter, and feels for him as though he was his mother, still knowing the nature of the tiger, the hunter would continue to caress the tiger and love him, always carrying a gun in his boot.... If, as in Le Rouge et Le noir, my "Mathilde" rus back, I may feel, as Sorel felt he could not really love or admire a creature so governed by the rules of her 'Orgeuille' -that I cannot not really love him.. If I win my game of silence, I can free myself of my love for this individual because I will know, that he too is one of those foolish creatures run by these principles of pride and loss.. and feel my capacity for sentiment to be at a higher level.. Who knows, perhaps I wont feel this way and will take him back.. but on a rational level.. this may very well happen..and thsi may be a small tragedy.. but less than what I am going through now.. Someone once said: He who must destroy something to discover what it is, has stepped outside the bounds of wisdom." I hope a) that he realizes what was.. and that b)I realise that he is a creature who stepped way beyond the bounds of wisdom.. I cod tell myself that now.. but if it turns out that he did not really love me and never runs back, tehn he hasnt stepped outside wisdom,, he was correct in leaving me.. I just find it hard because he has so few people in his life who genuinely love him. He has few good friends, and a bad family life.. He once wrote to me that everyone leaves him eventually, but that I would stay, and he never wanted to lose me, tha tI was the only thing of value in his life, the only one he believed in.. and that he would not want to lose that at any cost. That was in February when I was deciding wether to spend another year in France or not.. Can humans really be so capricious? Something must have been true.. and I bet on that. I hope that I am not foolish in doing so..It is horrid to think that all was a little Parisien society game for entertainment. Like Tarot.. why DO they adore that game so?

Saying things has a way of deflating things.. I think you shoudl concentrate on doing datey things.. so it looioks like u both just "fell into it " again.. like it was stronger than the two of u and no one tried to "get it to happen".. thats always better. Best of luck J

Merci pour tes mots.. Je sais que t'as raison, que je ne dois me donner a quel'q'un si bete.. mais il n'a que 24 ans.. Peut-etre qu'il a pense que c'etait sa derniere chance a vivre la vie des adolescents.. Mais t'as raison.. mais ca fait mal quand-meme.

Oh Im glad you all dont think the letter wa sutterly crazy.. I do understand if u're uncomfortable writing it.. I myself opted to not even tell him what I thought but just let him figure it out.. Can I ask you guys a ? this has always worked forme in the past which is why I offered the idea.. but what about in my case.. My guy and I were together for 2 2/3 years, I moved to another country to be with him for two of those years, and in January he asked me to move in with him and i was unsure cause he gets claustrophobic and i didnt wasnt sure he could handle it in th elong run, ot yet, i wanted to takeit slow for his sake.. and then he aske dme again in April, and was all like "oh you have to your my family, my best friend"..I said ok, and then he went on vacation with his family (so i wasnt too worried) to the Caribbean for 6 days... and on the second to last day met a girl, who was pretty but not amazingly pretty, and 4 years younger than us (like a baby really) kissed her in a cluc and decided he wante dthe single life and all.. I left the country, and havent spoken to him since.. it WAS such A FLIP SECOND DECISION on his part>. I CANT HELP BUT THINK IT WILL HIT HIM IN THE FACE.. I was such an awesome, cool, girlfriend, (sorry but when i see how other girlfriends are: either too naggy or too clingy, too weak or too bitchy.. i tried hard to be just righthim) been 8 weeks. 2 weeks ago he sent me an email saying he was sorry if he hurt me, that i was still a main character in his life etc and he'd be glad for news fromme.. i interpreted it as a lets be firiend email which i think is lethal.. to any chance of reconciliation if the othe rperson just has taken u for granted.. they'll never come back if they have u in their life as a friend... BUT my ? is: FROM WHAT I HEAR, HE'S GOING OUT ALL THE TIME PARTYING , ISNT GOING OUT WITH ANYONE, BUT SEEMS TO BE LOOKING FORWARD, AND IF HE REGRETS, ISNT SHOWING IT TO ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME.. SO IT LOOKS LIKE HE ISNT MISERABLE.. ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS WITHOUT CONTACT.. WILL HE STILL GET IN TOUCH WITH ME? WIlL IT STILL WORK OR IS IT POSSIBLE for him to really just be so fabulously happy never hearing form me again that he never bothers to contact me again and regret?

Hey, I didnt quiye understand what u meant.. do u want to date HER or other people.. if you mea other people.. come on- thats not cool AT ALL.. and you'll never make your relationship work if u go in withthat attitude. I THINK that u meant (and I hope thats what u meant) date HER... if thats the case.. dont tell her, but you can ease into it by doing "dat-Y' things and then let nature work her magic, Good luck Sorel

Dear Cassiana and Kuhl, 1) Cassiana- I 'm Canadian.. soI was actaully referring to the masses of Canadians who lost their lives on the Normandy coast.. I wnet there recnetly after the breakup , before i left France.. the bunkers of the Germans are still there.. and there's still twisted metal all over the beaches .. Funny. Thanks for the mails.. Its true, from what i hear he is out partying and even introduced the girl he met on vacation (who he's not dating - he realised she is even too dumb for him hahah) to his friends (who were my friends in France and who adored me) and they were horrified at how foolish and average she was and everyone ended up teasing him afterwards- to his face.. it was shortly thereafter that he contacted me.. I think he needs to hit the walll.. I dont mean to be full of mysefl but really, I have a lot going for me, (i have law degree, was a model before i decided it was to superficial for me, and wrote a script at the age of 24 that was turned into a multimillion dollar film being shot this summer in Europe and India- funny how i needed others to remind me of all that cause i had completely forgotten I had any merit whatsoever- how debilitating!) PLUS he has no info from me, and luckily, from past experiences where ive done the same thing.. it seems to raise the "vanished" (if they vanish in time and dont beg or anything demeaning, which i didnt ever do) to mythical status while the idealised vision of the "single life' starts to wear thin.. I try not to wait for him to crumble.. he seems to really be trying to make a go of it on his own.. Ill just stay silent.. its always the most noble and self-respectful thing to do. But I hope he will realise that there is no ideal woman out there.. He ha dit great, I really loved him, gave him a challenge was soft when he needed it and hard when he needed it.. I think its a tough act to beat. I also want tobe realsitic.. i mean, what is a 'great' person is totally subjective.. but he was happy with me, I think he just got overly -confident.. but its like what Hegel said in his Phenemenology- about the maintenance of tensions: a relationship lasts as long as the tension holds, .. as soon as one person starts to feel like they are stronger, the recognition that 'The Other' gives them is no longer valued.. they sek recoginition from other sources.. usually this happens as 'The Other' keeps trying to give them more and ore recognition, unwittingly devaluing their recognition each time they give more.. The first grows stronger and finally leaves..What the First doesnt realise in a lot of cases, is that they get their feeling of strength and ocnfidence because of the recognition of the Other.. Except for my one disastrous incident in the shopping district,, i never broke down, and luckily.. have held the fort for two months in utter silence.. He has no recognition from me. I think its should stay that way for a good while. Its only hard to try not to put my life on hold as Im so used to working hard and achieving results soon in all other aspects of my life.. and this.. could go any way.

a) It turns the tables around.. suddenly, yuor not so sure of her character anymore... She has as much to prove about her self worth as yuove been trying to prove to you.. Its deadly to let someone think taht yuo will accept them unconditionally when they are like "oh well, im not so sure about yuor value".. what rubbish.. scrap that situation out of yuor head.. no one falls in love with someone who doesnt value your self worth.. and questions anyone who doesnt want to be with them.. b) It doesnt gie her reasons for why yuor suddently"turned off" but if she has hal a brain she'll begin to think that its cause you've seen right though her (and you should be able to really.. she's grown confident becasue of the love uve given her and now thinks she's good enough for saomething else.. )also rubbish.. a situation which will be stopped by basically writing taht t letter.. for she will be like "uh oh.. he thinks i have an awful character and thinks HE can do better.. and she will have reason for believeing this becasue she knows, deep down, that she's being full of herself, becasue she has you at your feet. c) dissappearing means you mean it.. not answering yuor calls will make her feel like she screwed up and revealed a not so great side of herself that turned you off, and she didnt even realise she was making that mistake.. she'll likely panic.. its not easy to leave someone youve been close t oo unless your certain they adore you.. (that doesnt apply for people who fight. but it seems that wasnt the case between ua ndthat she just took u for granted). d) It gives you control.. you can "dump" too, a relationship doesnt just end when the definitions say yuo are no longer a couple.. a relationship is really the relation people have with each other and it existed beforeyuo two were an official couple and it exists now that yuor not.. so you can show some control too.. and you should not look like u want to be with someone who doesnt see yuor value.. cause then u devalue yuorself, and then, how can they ever value you.. but yuo look rational if yuo're like "hey .. u dont look that wonderful to me anymore after how yuove been acting.. sorry" that is how a fully confident person would act.. but sometimes its hard to see that when yuor blinded by hurt.. e) stick to the disappearing act for a while.. it helps to travel if u can.. go to the country or to another city. if u cant.. dont stay home, and dont go where you'll see her.. f) really stick to it.., if u do this an dbreak she'll know you have no balls at all.. she wants someone she can admire.. and that means someone who will stand up to her.. thats what yuo have to be. g)trust me... im a girl . DONT break yuor resolve, she'll respect u less h) THsi filps the tables and balances out the score.. Next time u talk (in a while )youll be on even ground. i) do this soon.. like now.. if you do it in a while it will look like a tactic as opposed to a real decision uve taken about her character. j) this was done to me.. i flipped out and ran after my ex., and i consider myself a very proud person.

Follow this: I give her two months max beofre she comes back; Send her an email.. Write exactly this: "Hey you, Listen, I dont want u to think this email was written out o fbitterness or hurt.. although umay not believe it, but Im way beyond that now.. Thing is.. Something just clicked in my had during our last phone ocnversation when you were saying all this stuff about needing to find what esle is out there.. I dont know, but something inside of me just turned off, where you're concerned. I hope you wont be insulted by this, or think im being mean unneccarily, but I thought I should let you know that, on second thought, i just dont see you the same way anymore. Sorry, but soemthing just turned off. Well, take care and i really do hope all the best for you. Dont think Im a bastard or anything, I wish you well." And then disspapear.. dont take calls nothing