Matt-Lee

Over the past month I have put various threads on this site titled: She wants me in her life but not as my girlfriend Relationship cool off - wants to see me without intimacy GF wants me back after 1 month break but told me she cheated HELP! Got back with GF Christmas Day and it is MUCH worse! I would like to thank you all for the great advice that I have received - and I am sure you are probably wondering why on earth I am still with this girl. My girlfriend is 18 and has two sides to her which rapidly change on a daily basis from one extreme to the other. This seems to have got worse over the past few months since she has had a full-time job at a bowling alley. When she turns, which is often unpredictable since there is no logic to her emotional thoughts and perception to a normal reality, she becomes very abusive, controlling, and angry - even violent if you don't SHUT UP and BE QUIET. When this is happening she doesn't seem to care or have any feelings or guilt over how she is treating me. She will tell me that she doesn't want me near her, that she doesn't like me, fancy me, or really even want me, that i'm pathetic, emotionally unstable, and that I not making her happy. She can get very verbally abusive and sometimes I have had to plead her to stop. I am quite a sensitive guy. I 26 years old, confident, nice looking, have a good job, live on my own, and have lots of good friends. I have been bought up to respect other people, to be friendly and have good will towards others. I am happy with myself and have dealt with a few emotional situations including an abusive landlord that I lived with about 6 years back where he threatened me and forced me to pay money to him! I have been with my girlfriend for 19 months and we have always argued alot, however there have been loads of great times aswell. She hasn't been that bad in the past and of course I have made allowances for female mood swings, hormones, age difference, her angry past ( she has had 3 different alchoholic dads, been raped by a local gang, had an abortion). After the last thread I posted yesterday after she asked me back on Christmas Day. Over the weekend the abuse started again. I have been very confused and there are obviously little options left to act upon: 1. Finish the relationship, get out, and move on with my own life with little contact. 2. Get Counselling I met up with her last night - the last few recently phone calls have not been talkative on my side and she has definitely sensed that I am not happy. We met at a cafe. She was very quiet and I did not really know quiet what to say to her. She is also in some trouble at work as her boss apparently tried it on with her a couple of months back aswell as others and it has all come out. She doesn't have ANY close friends at the moment as her social skills are not great and she only knows people as aquaintances and usually doesn't gell that well with females. I said that I had found somewhere that have proffesionals that we could talk to that specialise in Relationship Counselling. She has agreed on several occasions that this is a good idea and that she wants to give it a go. She is also happy to pay half. I ended up walking her home - she was completely wonderful and made it very difficult for me to not kiss her. She was all over me and we ended up having sex - it was very sensitive and she showed she was very shy - I know that she is very unconfident in bed and she really made an effort to relax and seemed to enjoy herself and it was really nice. She had spent yeasterday tidying her room and sorting through stuff and she told me that she had had a good sleep and was really missing me. Because of her behaviour I have seen this cycle before and with such a change in her mood and the fact that even though I was distant she didn't seem to have a clue why. It is very hard to tell if she is consciously or unconsciously being emotionally abusive and as I love the nice side of her very much am finding it difficult to give up on her - she needs help from a proffesional. When we were chatting about the Relationship Counselling I mentioned that we would have to be open minded and prepared to handle critizism. There may be things she won't like and that they make ask you to talk about the past. She sounded reluctant to talk about the past saying that it was unneccesary and that we were only there to make our relationship work. She is still keen though. What should I do - do you think I should talk to the Counselling centre on my own first - or will that be unfair? Has anyone been through this before - can she change - does she know she's doing it? - I am very confused - I don't want to leave her - but I don't love the angry side of her - it's like another person completely as if it doesn't remmember how it feels when it comes out of her, or even like me. Your advice is greatly apreciated!

Hi guys I have been putting some posts up here over the past month as I am in despair because my girlfriend seems to have completely changed into someone else and I am having trouble working out who she is, what she wants with me, and where do go from here. The last thread was "GF wants to get back with me but has cheated" which will give you the background. She asked me back Christmas Day and over the past week we have spent time with each other. It was all good over Christmas and I spent it at her house. However when something didn't go her own way she turned - and this time much worse than ever before - one time she started punching me in the head and kicking me out of her room and tried to throw me down the stairs. This is a difficult situation to deal with as I don't hit women and if I try to restrain her she makes out that I am being violent to her. She seems to be convinvced that I am being nasty to her and she twists every conversation to make out that I am starting on her and only remmembers things that I say in defence to her bad mannered, insultive, cold, vindictive, spiteful, cruel, manipulative, and angry behaviour. I also mentioned that I was going to meet up with one of my friends (a girl) that I have known for a long while and she took my phone and locked herself in a room, went through all my messages and erased the ones from girls and their numbers from the phone! After these episodes have taken place and escalated to the point where she made me sleep with no cover on the sofa locking herself in her room, refusing to be nice and calm down. She does not want to talk about feelings with me and refuses to hear me talk to her about the way this is making me feel. Then she will change back and act like nothing has happened and starts kissing me and touching my hands and being nice to me. She keeps talking about me taking her out and that I need to make her happy. She decided she wanted to make love with me the other day - and it was the worst experience ever. She started talking about something else at the beggining, then she told me that I couldn't turn her on, that at least she was trying even if she was pretending to want me, and to just hurry up. It was awful - we used to get on so well and she used to crave for sex from me - it made me feel so insecure. I even asked her if she even liked my personality and she said "well - I know that you improving your life". Then she got up and coldly just got dressed and went to work early. I went home completely gutted and very upset and confused - then she phoned me the next day as if nothing was wrong like I was her idol. What the hell is going on with her - is she insane?

Thanks to everyone for your great and helpful replies. Since we broke up I have been alot stronger and have started the gym again - I have also had attention from other females although I am not interested as being 26 I have had my time of flirting and liking attention. However I am going to continue thinking about myself (not too much of course) and make sure everything I want is happening. You are right - maybe we should take it slow, although difficult as I do love her and she lives nearby and has made me very welcome with her family. Maybe I should just date her for a while and cut out the intimacy. I should make time for seeing friends and doing hobbies. Any advice on how I should explain my actions when she wonders why I'm not wanting to be real serious straight away - I know she will ask and because she is insecure I don't want to give her the wrong impression. Thanks again

Hi My girlfriend of 18 months who is 18 and I am 26 broke it off 1 month ago after we were both always arguing. The problems were that she wasn't happy as we were always seeing each other and not really going out, dating or having adventure, and fun. My problem was that she was being a bit too controlling and when she wasn't happy she would take it out on me and make me feel bad about myself. We would conflict and sometimes she would become quiet spiteful and abusive. In the first week that we had broken up she went out with a group of guy friends on the town. I know these guys (although not that well) and she had known them since before we met. It seemed quiet inocent and I even helped her chose some clothes - she is insecure about herself as she has suffered a lot of bullying at school. It seemed that she wanted to be single as she liked getting attention from other guys - but that was it. The next day she phoned me up and was crying and she wanted me to come over as she missed me and loved me. I went round and she was crying in my arms saying that I'm so good to her and that she really loves me and doesn't want to break up. We got back together but when I saw her in the week she was really distant - when I questioned her she flew into a rage and decided that she did want to break up. During the month we continued talking and she kept going hot and cold and couldn't not talk to me for any longer than a couple of days without phoning me and telling me she misses me and loves me. She wanted to keep seeing me but refused to call it anything or discuss her or my feelings. On Christmas Eve she wanted to get back with me and wanted to make a fresh start - she admitted that she had been confused about what she wants, and didn't feel the excitement in our relationship, especially with all the arguments. Since we broke up we have had space and gone on some dates which have been nice. We have also been less dependant on each other and started to make improvements on our lives. On Boxing Day she told me that she has been holding something from me and tried to tall me a couple of times - on the night she went out with her friends she half slept with one of the guys which was a huge mistake and she was really really drunk and they had got her drugged up. She said that they were just playing and the next thing she knows is it was going further. She then started crying and everything stopped before it went too far. She said she just spoke about me to him and he understood and they promised to never talk about it again. She is really sorry and has been really nice over the past week and keen to make things work agreeing to her faults and that she is going to make the effort too. Am I making the right choice to get back with her - I love her very much and she is only 18 and although very mature in some ways she is emotionally immature and is going through lots of changes and thoughts. Is there any advice?

Thanks for the advice guys. It has got to the point where I am confused about who she is myself. She has two personalities - one that love's me to pieces and another that despises me. It is very hard to predict which one you will talk to and sometimes it's like walking on egg shells as any form of disagreement may sometimes trigger her abusive side. All I have ever done is loved her regardless of these issues and believed that she is strong enough to sort herself out. Only time will tell but the abuse is going to stop right now. She has set the rules with her terms on how slow we should take it. I am not really sure at the moment whether this is an attempt to emotionally control me or not. I need to set my own rules and terms that she must respect. I will also need to work out how to react if she does loose her rag. I am going to go with it until New Year and see what she does - if there is no change then I'm going to back right off. The one thing I know is that the first stage of getting back together is to discuss the problems we had, why we were arguing, and what we are going to do to stop hurting each other. She will need to admit that she has this problem - perhaps going to a couple counsellor may help her see that her peception and values to a relationship may need improvement and changes. If she can start by doing this I will know she is serious about sorting herself out.

I posted a thread on this site last week titled "she wants me in her life but not as my girlfriend" - about my girlfriend calling off the relationship as we were argueing alot and she had started to get too abusive and controlling. My girlfriend can get quite hot headed and verbally abusive when she has bad mood swings, doesn't get her own way, or cannot handle a difference of opinion or critisism. Bearing in mind she is only just 18 and has had experiences of an angry household through childhood, school bullying, abortion at 15, and problems with contraception which effected our sex life. Over the weekend we were both going to a party (separately) as we know the same groups of friends. At first I was unsure about going as I was still not clear on what was going on with us. She told me she didn't want to be my girlfriend but continued to want to see me and talk to me but refused to discuss feelings and the relationship. I didn't want the night to be awkward for us but decided to go and get there at the beggining to catch up with everyone. I had spent last week feeling depressed and confused about what was happening and how to react to her so when I got there I decided I was going to enjoy myself and not let her see it had effected me. I had a really good time and people told me that I looked really well and I regained my confidence and danced the night away. When my girlfriend arrived I was not immediately chatty but said hello and asked how she was. As the night went on she seemed a bit down and was sitting in the corner. I kept going over briefly for a friendly chat about general stuff. At one point she said "why are you being nasty to me?". I said "what do you mean?" - she said that I kept going off - in other words she wanted me to stay by her side - or maybe wanted to talk more - I told her that I was just catching up with everyone and I made sure I kept going over and chatting to her aswell. In the end she pulled me outside and said that she loved me. She wanted affection and she told me that she thought she needed counselling. I held her for a while without really speaking about us. She asked me to come home and we fell asleep in each others arms without needing to be intimate. I went home in the morning. The next day she asked me over when she finished work and I went, dressed up nice, and offered to cook for her family. Again we spent the night. I went to make a move and she shyed off (my fault) - I was still a bit confused and wanted to know what was going on. For the first time in weeks she spoke about her feelings and thoughts. She said that she is confused about what she wants and how she feels. She said that I am very confident, open and sure about who I am and my feelings for her. She said that she is trying to understand how she can feel like this (she is a bit unsure of herself although she has so much going for her). She said she just wants to test the water and take it slow to see if we can have a future and also to give herself space to work out who she is. She said to not push her and to let her come to me - just like Friday night at the party. I am happy with this as now I know where I stand - It's what we both needed and now we are not so dependant on one another and have the space to focus on our own lives. Whenever we have seen each other and NOT discussed the relationship it has been great. I want to make the right decisions with what is happening - am still a bit confused as not sure how long this may go on for, or how long it will take before we can express our feelings more intimatly, and don't want to push her. Has anyone been through this kind of experience before and is there any advice on how to play it safely from here? Thanks peeps

Thanks for your advice. Her behaviour is very confusing and as she has a Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde kind of switch between these behaviours and it is difficult to tell which one to trust. My love for her is strong and see's behond all her barriors and fears and underneath she is petrified of being vulnerable. Perhaps getting this close to her makes her feel too scared especially as I have more recently started to understand about this problem. She has pushed me away because I have stood up to it and tried to find solutions to her actions by asking her WHY she behaves in this way towards me. So far she has used anger and emotional threats as a means of avoiding the subject but in recent conversations since we have officially broken up she has admited her awareness to this problem and mentioned possible councelling. Her mother told me they tried Anger Management with her when she was younger but it did no good. Perhaps now she is older she is more intelligent and stronger. I don't know if I can help her but it is at the point where if she continues to push me away she will wreck what we have. It is a very confusing and difficult situation for me but I feel good within myself that I am caple of putting someone else before me and this gives me the strength to persevere. However there will come a point where I will have to think about myself if she refuses to sort it out as you can only give so much.

Ive had a brief look at these disorders. It is possible but it doesn't happen if she's happy. She is very demanding and needs lots of attention and gets frustrated when she feels neglected but she is very intelligent and likes to do things to help chill out. She does need to manage her anger and may not of had the most ideal parents as role models for relationships

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 18 months. There is an age gap - she is an intelligent and mature 18 year old girl and I am 26. We have loved each other very much and she has helped encourouge me to better my life as when she first met me I was a bit of a disaster with money but very charming. As we were so fond of each other we found ourselves practicarly living with each other at times when we both were not working or had any money. Slowly I picked myself up and turned my life around as my love for her helped me feel my inner strength again. However my girlfriend slowly started to become emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative. I know that she has always loved me but there is a definate problem and she often gets very angry when things don't seem to be as she wants them or expects them. She has sometimes spoken about times when her father was drunk and violent before leaving the whole family with no money. Then at school she was spitefully bullied and ended up in lots of trouble with the police because she tried to "fit in" with bullies. She then walk away from that life and started again in a relationship at the age of 15. She got pregnant whilst on the pill and had an abortion. The father then told her he didn't love her and left her. We got together not long after and have been together since. I have really tried to be there for her but whenever I stand up to her behaviour she goes over the top and looses her temper lashing out verbal and sometimes physical abuse. When she calms down she is really upset and sorry. Recently after a really bad argument she broke it off. She told me in a fit of rage that she didn't love me anymore, or even like me, and she kept going until I finally broke down. She then changed back to her kind and caring self to comfort me. I was devistated as I have been so strong and not given up on the quest to get her through to these issues. I know she must have been hurt badly when she was younger and she knows how much I love her. She has told me that she needs to be single at the moment, have fun, chill out. She doesn't have many friends due to her rough area and trying to stay away from trouble. She has also recently started a new job and is earning money for herself and making new friends there. She says that she is really confused and wants to stop hurting me. She doesn't know why she is so spiteful. She doesn't understand why it happens but seems to think that I wind her up but she doesn't exactly understand why. Most of the time this only happens when I challenge her behaviour. When she said it was over I backed off and then she called me up and told me that she does love me and that she misses me and she wants to see me. We have been meeting up and it has been hard but I have tried keeping it cool. I know she loves me but she told me last night that she doesn't think we can be together. Since she broke it off we have been getting on really well. I am falling more in love with her and we look at each other just like we did at the beggining. She said that the way we are at the moment is really nice and she won't let it go back to the way it was. I am scared about taking this risk. She says she wants to be friends. I have tried to talk to her about getting back but she shy's off and avoids the subject or tells me she doesn't want that, or even "it's time to go now". She has never met my parents and has said she wants to. She wants me over her house Christmas Day and to spend time with me on New Years Eve. She still wants to go out and meet up and she even talked about dinner dates. This is really hard work because I am hurting and miss her and want to be intimate and passionate and talk about my feelings. I am confused about what's going and what she is doing or what she wants. Does she want to see if we can get on this way. Do I stick it out? I know that I need to concerntrate on my own life and allow her time and space. Has anyone got any advice or had a similar experience before? Thanks