murrayfaces

I forgot to post this earlier. It is a website briefly covering one type of abusive relationship. It may or may not give you insight into what your Sister is feeling, that might help you uncover ways to help her. link removed

I understand what everyone has been saying about "she" (your sister) having to help herself, and make these conscious decisions for herself to get out. But, that's not the ONLY way out. There are several other ways out, and one of them isn't that pretty. I am sorry to be so blassé about that, but it's the truth. And it's what I had to hear from my parents which finally made me realize that I had to end it, for good, after being strangled for the last time. I'm not kidding here. I'd heard friends/family tell me for so long to get out, but I had kept everything so secretive for so long that I knew getting out would be really hard. That's what your sister is doing right now. Had I known how supportive everyone was going to be for me in getting out, then I probably wouldn't have had the crap beat out of me on the night I finally kicked him to the curb. Had I told my family more of what I was doing, then I could have saved myself one last episode. See, your sister needs to know how domestic abuse ends, and you can't spare the ghory details here. I know that sucks, and she's probably not going to be real happy with you, but if you want to her stay safe and get out of this situation, she needs to know how much everyone supports her getting out. Your parents really need to be involved in this, as does the rest of your siblings. I know it's going to be embaressing for her, but it will help her to see everything in a better light if she hears it from the people she loves, and love her back. I'm not necessarily prescribing an "intervention", although I equate abusive relationships to drug addiction. Once people are "hooked", they think they can't live without it....it becomes their life. Your sister's life has become abuse, and she doesn't see any alternative. As her sister, remember these things: Just because someone abuses you, doesn't mean you don't love them. Unfortunately for some of us, we get love and abuse entangled. I never saw why people stayed in abusive relationships until I got into one. Understand that you're not going to be able to see how she could possibly love this man, but understand that she does. The abuse is just an unwanted side-effect of the love that she wants. I know it's twisted, but you have to have been there to see how it works. There's so much I want to say about this topic, and I'm trying to be calm about it, but you've got to get her the heck out of there. I know, everyone says only "she" can do it, but you and your family need to be really firm when letting her know that you all know what's going on, and let her know what the real outcomes usually are: a miserable life filled with pain and abuse, or worse. Sorry to come accross so bold, but this topic is something really close to my heart. I hope the best for her. Let us know how she is doing.

Floyd462- Her wanting to discuss her family issues with you isn't good for your recovery. Because you're not together anymore, she needs to respect that she can't use you as a sounding board anymore. It really does go against you moving on. I imagine it's really tough having to see her at work. Is there any way you could change jobs/locations? As for the sex thing, I don't know what to tell you, because I still get these feelings from time to time, but very rarely now(5 months since split). They will go away, you just need to make a conscious decision to not bring them up - if they pop up, repress/supress them. That's in your control. I'm sure alot of people are going to disagree with that tactic, but what the heck else are you going to do about these grotesque images. Trust me, I've seen them, literally - I caught my former partner twice with other people, once in our hotel room bathroom, and once in another room in our house. So, I known what you mean about these really painful thoughts. Read up about the "no contact" thing on this website. If it weren't for NC, I don't think I would be doing this well 5 months later. It works, but you have to stay commited to it. Let us know how you are doing.

I've noticed a rash of this exact some scenario popping up lately on these boards - I've even posted about the 4-month mark and why it seems to affect so many people. These chance encounters we have, we let them turn into something more important to us(although we don't see it at the time), because we are again exposing ourself to that other person. It makes us extremely vulnerable. I guess we think, Oh it's been a few months, I should be OK with seeing them. WRONG, at least for me I know that it's wrong. I know I would be a total train wreck if I had to hang out/conversate with him, or even share one of those "friendship" moments, because like Gilgamesh reminds us that these were not just lovers, but they were our best friends. I almost freaked out yesterday just when I thought I saw him riding in a car next to me. Chandler, stay strong pal, and I think thing's will be better soon. Just take your own advice and remember to protect yourself and your feelings.

Falloutboy, I'll try and say all of this with the utmost and grace and tact I have available(not that much), so sorry if this is rather blunt. But, I have been in and out of relationships with men and women for the last two years, and I've got alot of things to say about your situation. OK, you say you're still attracted to men, but you speak as though the thought of having sex with a man repulses you? You were in a relationship for over 2 years, and never had sex. That's really strange, and I'm not sure if you could classify it has healthy. Not that sex is everything, but unless you've got an "arrangement" - (lavendar relationship) with someone, sex should always be an open option. I do understand how you were upset about being forced to come out. Alot of gay people see that as a monumental milestone in their life. But, I am also a lifetime fence-rider, and constantly take crap for not choosing one way or the other. Bottom line is, if you're unsure, don't let anyone force you to come out. But you mentioned the violence/abuse words in the relationship, and that immediately throws up the red flags for me saying "get out now". Why do you think getting a girl and settling down is the answer to everything? You sound like you have alot of latent, repressed insecurities and acceptance issues with your attraction to the same sex. Do you possibly have intimacy issues with people of either sex? I know, these questions are rather blunt, but I am trying to get you to delve more into why you feel the way you do. Look, I've got no real examples of healthy relationships right now. Over the last two years I spent most of it with an extremely abusive male person(I'd call him a man, but that would be a disservice to the real men in the world), who abused me in every way possible, including depleting my finances, cheating on me, and trying to take me out of this world several times. During this time, I was also sleeping with my brother's ex-girlfriend. You could truly make a really sad movie out of my life for the last two years. All of this, because I was not being open with my feelings, letting people know where I truly stood, and not really analyzing why I was doing the things I was doing. This sounds like the way you were when you stayed with this guy for over 2 years. Why did you do that? You can't judge all relationships you're potenentially going to have with guys in the future on the one relationship with this guy. Are you just looking for a girl to erase the memories/stigma associated with this past relationship? What are you going to do RIGHT NOW! See, I started to get my life back together when I decided what had to be done right now to get myself feeling better. Are you going to see/talk to the ex? I personally say NO, simply because you need that disconnnection in order to get a clearer picture when analyzing this relationship. But, don't overanalyze. Simply spend a little bit of time going over it, and maybe even write it down. Then, think about what you what in your next relationship. Do not even think about the sex of the person when doing this, and don't write don't write down physical things. Just write down the truly important things in the relationship. Now you will at least have an idea of what you deserve, and what you are will to do back. As for the sex of the person, maybe you can just leave that open right now. Sorry for the verbose-ness - but you seem like you really need some direction right now. Maybe my gustapo-like interrogation may help.

Of course, PSM, totally true. I have alot to say to these people, but everytime I see them the "L" word comes up everytime. That's why I come to these forums, because I don't exactly know how to put the pieces together. I know I should stop telling everyone on the planet that I sleep with that I love them, because I don't, or maybe I do. Or maybe I should stop sleeping with everybody. Either way, this anonymity makes things alot easier for truly expressing my confusion in the situation. And NO, I am trying to cut out the sex/love conundrum that is caused by this. I have talked to both of them, and I am slowly realizing that I need a 100% break from this entire situation, which makes stop calling them all until I can be fully honest with them about where I am coming from. None the less, I appreciate you being so up front about this. It's true....had I been more honest with all of them in the first place I probably wouldn't have gotten into all of these messy situations. Most people, including my best friends, would never be so bold as to tell me to change my ways.

used-2 I started reading this thread a few weeks ago, and I am so happy to hear that you are feeling OK about being out of that abuse-filled relationship. Stay strong, and remember that you survived that s*** and you are alive. Just please try and not SEE him again. It's not a good thing. I know sometimes it is very inevitable, and very unavoidable, but just try to do that. Those who abuse will one day be punished for what they do to us, but it's not our place to stand around and wait/watch for it. It only does us a disservice. Keep your head up, and continue the therapy....and stay the F*** away from him, as much as humanly possible. Remember that abuse is something that we for some reason think is OK, so we have to remember to stay away from it until our mind is clear and we realize that no physical harm is ever OK.

I know. I've got to stop using the "Love" word too much. I've got to stop thinking that sex is something so blasse that it means nothing, because it is important when it's with someone you care about. Finding new people is going to be something I need to do. And, I think I'll keep alot of this drama somewhat secretive, because I think it might scare them off. I think that's OK, although not entirely honest, but sometimes 100% brutal honesty isn't the best choice. Maybe I can sum it up as, I've had some drama for a few years, it's over, and I've moved on. That sucks to think that people probably see me now as this totally un-trustworthy person when it comes to who I sleep with. I really don't sleep with everyone's mates/best friends....anymore. RBC

James, I am so sorry to hear about this situation. But, you know you did the right thing, especially for her. Otherwise, she might have ended up, well, dead. And then what? I imagine you feel awful right now, but I think if you really step back and see what a tremendously good thing you did for her by saving her life, I think you'll feel better about yourself. No, this won't make it any easier, about being out of of the loop on her treatment, but this may give you time to work on yourself. You said you've been dealing with her disease for the last year, so I imagine that there are parts of you which are kind of empty right now. If in fact her family wants you to step out of the picture right now, know that it's only for her best interests. I know, so where do YOUR best interests come into play. Unfortunately man, that's why you're going to have to take this time to work on yourself, because you can't honestly say that this whole situation hasn't taken a mental toll on you. I hope this isn't sounding harsh, because I can tell you're in pain. But, know that you did something for her that obviously no one else had the courage to do. Know that the medical condition she put her body in didn't promote a healthy mental condition, so you've got to let her get the treatment she needs, and become healthy again. But, now it's your turn to get healthy again. Living with someone who not only requires you to lie for them, and holds that over your head in threats of breaking up, but also makes you watch them destroy themself everyday - dude, that's bad for you. I know you love her, but you need to work on YOU right now. And no, that's not selfish. She's in a hospital, for her medical/mental condition. You're not, so no one is going to monitor you daily. Look, I lived with someone for a long time, and watched them self-abuse(just cutting and burning themselves, not as serious as your ex). But it sucks none the less. Worse, I also was stuck in the situation where I couldn't tell anyone about what was going on with us, because I knew he would leave me. I was trapped by love, and she had you trapped by love. But look, you tried to get out for a reason, as did I. We knew that it was killing us to be in that relationship. What you're feeling now isn't so much a responsibility to her, as it is relinquishing that control factor that was so evident in your relationship. You were controlled because you knew that you were having to live in someone else's lie, and support them through it. You did the right thing, she's getting medical help now. You are not the enemy to anyone. You need to regain personal control in your life, build up your self-respect, and try(I know this is almost impossible, but we always say it), try to regain your self-esteem. Right now your self-esteem probably looks like swiss cheese, full of the holes your relationship put into it. Yes, you may cry for a while. I think I cried for almost a month. But it will STOP. Remember, she was probably headed for a drastic life/end of life change until you stepped up to the plate. Now do the same for yourself. Let us know how things are going.

Obviously if seeing the person upsets you so much, then NC has to be the way to go. But, it depends on yourself. I think NC is the ONLY way to go if leaving an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Having contact after a relationship filled with pain only makes the pain 10x worse. But, this is all more in the scheme of getting yourself out of horrible situations, and ensuring that they don't happen again.

You're going to be OK. Like they say, it's just a bad day. Some days are really, really tough, but know that better ones are around the corner. It's ironic that I started this thread this morning link removed where I talk about hitting this point after 4 months. Are you sure you can't try some no contact. I think alot of us would agree that it's one of the few things that have helped. I know it helped me, and still is. But it's going to be a little harder for you to take the plunge, especially since you have been trying to initiate contact since your break. I know about the birthday thing, mine was just a few weeks ago, and it actually wasn't hard at all. I thought it was going to be hard, but don't psyche yourself up thinking it's going to be bad. Remember, good days are right around the corner, but you have to be willing to accept them when they come around. Write back here more and tell how you're feeling.

OK. So at least I know it's not just me. Maybe the "fourth-month freakout" should be listed in the stages of grief. I mean I can't even compare how much "better" I should be now, compared to then. I'm almost 50 pounds lighter, I'm not carrying someone's burdens, I'm free to speak to family and friends, but sometimes I don't feel better. But that's rare, and it's only when shoved in my face that it really upsets me. So, I avoid any chance encounters or anything like that(at least now I do, after being hurt by a few of them). One note: how many of us have done the *67, blocked your number, and then did the hang-up after hearing them answer. Someone's doing that to me now, like 5 minutes ago. Oh, that's so first breakup month annoyance tactic.

I was just wondering if anyone else has noticed this. As time passes on past a breakup, using no contact, after a few months, do you find yourself at a low point around 4-5 months into it. This is after a period of feeling really great about yourself, totally moving on, but still one day it hits you. It's almost like after awhile, you don't really miss the person, you miss the breakup. Maybe we get attached to that post-breakup person in ourselves, in efforts of keeping from fully moving on. It's like, now we know it's over - we completely accept it - and now we have to ask ourselves, where do we go from here? We spent so much time worrying about the breakup, and taking care of ourselves, but now what? Like I said, this is so strange. I have been so happy recently, feeling great, getting out, traveling, doing things I never could/would have done with the ex. I definitely know I don't want him back, but when do we know we are ready to try it with someone new? BTW, quick note on no contact. We also have to remind our friends/family that we're doing this for a reason, so that they can work with us on this, not against us. Actually, this is probably why I feel down in the dumps sometimes, when I find out my brother(someone who is closest to me), calls/hangs out with the ex, and then tries to tell me about it. My latest thing - if you do hang out with him, don't tell me about it. It's not lieing, because we have a pre-arranged agreement that you won't tell me about it. It's sad when we can let go, but our families/friends can't.

Time does help heal wounds, but it won't/can't if you choose to open them up again everyday. And that's what you're doing by speaking to him daily. If you really want to stop thinking about him, start by stopping talking to him. You don't think about somebody as much if you don't hear their voice everday. Sure, you will still think of them, but less and less as the days go by. One thing I find is that I am worse certain parts of the day. So, you have to keep busy during those times, and find lots to do. I hate to hear that you're feeling so down. I don't like anyone to have that feeling, because I still have days of that feeling. I think if you start today with no contact, you will start to feel better in a few days.

I just want to crawl under a rock for a few months, and speak to NO ONE. You're exactly right. Most of this has caused way more pain than pleasure. But, it continues to get better. I went ahead and took the road trip, and it was OK, except that our friends were giving us crap the whole time about being the "happy couple". Of course, we blew it off, knowing it's not true. All said, the trip was OK, but it reminded me of all of the reasons why this girl and I never made it work out, permenantly, in the almost ten years of trying. But, when I get home, I find out that my brother has been chumming it up with another of my former partners(the male). That hurt TONS. I was pissed. And then to top it off, we ended up getting sloppy with his/my ex girlfriend, at which time she told me about being at the ex(male's) house for dinner, hiding it behind my back. I don't know when this happened, nor do I really care anymore. AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH. I think I may have to move out of this rotten town to get away from all of this BS. Does anyone have an open space on the floor to sleep....I promise I won't sleep with any of your friends, or family members.