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Thread: How do I deal with him ghosting on me?

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    He is also a coward if after more than a year and more than two years of friendship he can't talk at least once to explain himself to you. I think you are much better off without him.
    This is what is making me more upset. It's not like he's some random guy who I dated and it didn't work out. I've been in love with guys that ended terribly, but we went our own ways... no friendship, nothing. But with this guy, I actually thought he had some respect for everything we had, even before the romantic relationship.

    He answered me yesterday, saying he's got no time for anything, that he's doing a course and then has to go to work. And I believe him, but don't you have 10 minutes of your day to respond me? Did you really have to ignore me for 2 days straight? When he texted me back, I started crying, but not because I was sad or happy, but out of anger and I was also angry at myself for letting him get to me like this.

    I told him I wanted a mature conversation, at some point, and I asked him to not ignore me. And then he did ignore me. I am done with this BS. I texted him again saying I will move on with my life and if he at wants to talk to me, he can text me, if not, we'll just see each other around. I am honestly baffled about how he didn't even miss me or thought about me because he's just "so busy". I'm really wondering what this guy wanted to do with me in the first place. I think he has no respect for anyone in his life.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sunnyfeels18
    I think he has no respect for anyone in his life.
    You think? People are who they are, and this is a man who has repeatedly, and glaringly, shown you that he is immune to respecting you, other people, and himself. Cheated up the wazoo on his ex. Can hardly be bothered to work. Mooches off others. Lashes out in childish ways. And so on, and so forth.

    In other words, he is, right now, being very consistent. There is nothing baffling to it, nothing mysterious. You just don't want to see that because it means accepting what has always been the truth, the truth you have bent your brain and scarred your heart to avoid accepting: that he is complete jerk, that you invested your heart in a complete jerk. Tough pill to swallow, that one, so you want him to give you a glass of water to make it go down easier.

    But investing our hearts in jerks does not transform them into saints. The opposite, in fact. It rewards their jerky behavior. So if you're wondering what he wanted from you—well, it's that, what everyone wants in romance: a reward for being themselves.

    I understand your hurt, your frustration, and I'm sorry you're in the spins. But try to understand the irony of what you want right now: that if he was capable, in breaking up, to treat you with warmth, with kindness, with maturity then you would not be breaking up. You'd be in a healthy relationship with a good dude. But no. You were never in a healthy relationship, but in a dysfunctional relationship with a bad dude. Your breakup, as breakups do, is just mirroring the dynamic you guys had when you were together.

    You are angry right now because he is refusing to give you the story you have been telling yourself, the story you've clung onto in order to stay in something that you should have let go of before it really started. What seems like a simple enough thing for you—a 10 minute mature conversation—is simply impossible for him. You've never had that. To expect it now, when things are over, is a fool's errand. It's like a professional tennis player being upset with an elementary school kid for failing to return a 125 mph serve. Sure, he can complain about the injustice of it all, or he can go play tennis with someone who knows how to play on his level.

    If you're willing to dig deep—to take the lens off of him and put it back onto you—I think you'll come to see that your frustrations right now, while totally human, are a bit misdirected. You are seeking a reward for your efforts. You want him to give you the one thing he never gave you: respect, decency. But people give what they have to give, not what we want them to give. They don't exist to serve us, which is why we try to choose people who compliment us. Use this moment to explore why you chose someone who did not compliment you—as, it seems, you've done in the past—and you'll be much better off than waiting for him to transform into someone he is not, and has never been.

  3. #23
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    When you get involved with someone who shows you love and trust, you at least expect that person to respect you. I honestly don't have any doubts in what a human being is capable of doing. And in all honesty, the more he ignores me and treats me as if I'm invisible, the more I lose anything good I ever felt towards him. It's easy to love someone when you've got nothing but the person there, it's easy to love when everything is going good and you both are getting along. It was so easy to love me when I was "perfect" and didn't care about him the way I care now. He is truly the worst person I had the displeasure to have a relationship. It's curious he says I make him feel guilty when I say I have anxiety attacks because of all this. Well, in a way he is, if he felt so bad about it he would care about me more. He's a selfish jerk, I have never felt so betrayed in my life. The more the time goes by, the more I am disgusted by this person.
    Last edited by Lovelavie; 08-07-2019 at 12:51 PM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    HE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!!!!

    I’m not saying he doesn’t sound like a jerk because he does but man Im glad I’m not the only one who sees through your tinted entitlement lens.He didn’t ghost you, he broke up with you, he’s responding to you, he’s just not ‘saving’ you, you’re expecting him to come back out of obligation. No, no, no.

    You are doing yourself such a disservice right now. Leave him alone, stop demanding he respond to you. Just stop. Leave it alone you’re broken up. I hope for your sake you will stay single and work on your self esteem, if not you’ll just attract another guy just like him and it’ll be rinse wash repeat.

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I have no doubt it’s painful, but again you gotta work through these codependent expectations if you’re to start to let him go.

    Also you don’t have to villainize him to make give yourself a false sense of self, it’s short lived, if you find joy in his failures you’ll find pain in his triumphs, your focus is better used on you, why you accepted his treatment, etc.

    I wish you luck on your journey.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 08-07-2019 at 01:32 PM.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    How do I deal with him ghosting on me?
    I'd recognize this as a reflection on him, not me. I'd ghost him back.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'd recognize this as a reflection on him, not me. I'd ghost him back.
    That's the best thing I should do. Not that he'll miss me or anything. I'm quite sentimental and nostalgic about things. I have this group on Whatsapp with my closest friends and we all started sending old pics of us and while I was looking through them I realized he had always been with me in most of the situations in the past, even as friends, he was always there with me. We always had a connection, even when we only hooked up, we would always go back to each other no matter what happened, life would always bring us together. I've never had this kind of thing with anyone. I thought I knew him, I thought that even though we might not have worked out in his views, he would have respect for me. I know this shall pass, I know I'll be fine in the end... but jesus, some people just make it 1000x harder than it should be. I seriously hate relationships and I'm done getting involved with anyone for a really long time.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I know it's hard to process, especially right now, but feelings and connections are not black and white. We tell ourselves stories to find comfort in the ambiguity—swinging, say, between the story of "a love like no other" and the story of "an awful person I never knew who hates me."

    Rarely are either of those stories actually true, but there is a comfort in both, the comfort of certainty. Right now you are finding comfort in a catastrophic story being "certain," putting thoughts and feelings into his mind that you actually have no access to, making assumptions about him along the lines of him "never" missing you, and so on.

    That's an understandable response to pain, but it is a limited one, for the reasons well articulated by figureitout. The story of the two lovers becomes the story of a victim and a villain. The less dramatic, more commonplace story of a relationship that didn't work becomes the epic, singular story of being screwed by relationships to the point of "hating" them. The story about how "some people just make it 1000x harder than it should be" replaces the story—perhaps just as true, or at least a truth worth exploring—that some people make things 1000x harder on themselves when life does not deliver exactly what they wanted delivered.

    Breakups suck. Been through a handful, and it's incredible how the devastation can feel new every time. Hugs, sincerely. Most all of them can be reduced down to a simple story—a thing that once worked, in some way or another, that stopped working. When we can allow ourselves the humility to explore our own choices, rather than the choices and feelings of another, we have an opportunity to grow, find value in growth, and make different choices. When we operate from a place of pride—blaming the choices of another for how we feel—we often find ourselves repeating the same choices while hoping for the different results that fail to come.

    Something to think about, or not, as you grieve and move forward.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sunnyfeels18
    That's the best thing I should do. Not that he'll miss me or anything. I'm quite sentimental and nostalgic about things. I have this group on Whatsapp with my closest friends and we all started sending old pics of us and while I was looking through them I realized he had always been with me in most of the situations in the past, even as friends, he was always there with me. We always had a connection, even when we only hooked up, we would always go back to each other no matter what happened, life would always bring us together. I've never had this kind of thing with anyone. I thought I knew him, I thought that even though we might not have worked out in his views, he would have respect for me. I know this shall pass, I know I'll be fine in the end... but jesus, some people just make it 1000x harder than it should be. I seriously hate relationships and I'm done getting involved with anyone for a really long time.
    I honestly recognize those feelings.

    I remember back when I was maybe 17 or so, I had a very warped sense of self and low self esteem, I had not one but TWO boyfriends tell me they had met someone else. They hadn’t but I was so adamant that they not break up with me that I clung to them so hard that the only other option they felt they had was to say there was someone else, pathetic right? Yep, I was that girl. I did not accept it because it triggered my abandonment issues, it left me vulnerable to an abusive relationship because the type of men who like women who cling for dear life aren’t typically the best guys out there...you mentioned you’ve been in abusive relationships before so this is your pattern. Only you have the power to fix it, he won’t... he can’t... it’s not in him... you deserve happiness, codependency May feel like happiness because that person, your pacifier takes the anxiety away but it’s typically short lived. You have to find happiness within, then and only then can you start to heal and date out of want and not need.

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