Boyfriend sex chatted, is it cheating?

Dear all, hope to feel better getting it off my chest and get some advice. I've been with my boyfriend now for a year, we met each other at work, we both live away from home in a foreign country and I dont have as much friends as him so I have no one to talk to.

We immediately connected and our relationship developed. We have same goals and dreams in life and enjoy each other's company. Since we met, we are both striving to be better and to improve each other at everything. We don't argue that often and overall have a very good relationship. He is a good person, kind, generous, and I know that he does love me and is serious about me. Next month we are both going on our annual leave and are planning on getting engaged. Already told my family and he spoke to my mom and I met his sister and have a good relationship with her.

Normally Im a trusting person unless you give me a reason not to trust. Couple of months after we started dating, I accidentally saw a whatsapp pop up on his phone from a girl calling him "babe". Out of respect I disnt open it and asked him to explain. He told me it was a girl he knew from back home and showed me the conversation. There was some flirting especially from her end and I got upset and we broke it off for a couple of weeks. He didnt let go off me and chased me asking for forgiveness and swearing he woulsnt do it again. I took him back thinking to myself at least its not cheating.

It took me a while to start teusting him again, but For the next 9 or 10 months, i would get overly jealous whenever i see that he was talking to any girl even if it was an old college friend. There were a few times when he would talk to someone and delete the conv and i would find out somehow and we would have a big fight. He would always convince me it was just innocent chats and that I needed to trust him more.

Two months ago, i found out he was talking to an old friend on facebook and there was some flirting involved and hid it in secret conversations. He said that he didnt tell me because i was very stressed at the time with work problems, and hid it for my own good.

I again broke it off thia time for 6 weeks, and he consistently chased me asking me to take him back, swearing he has changed, that he would always be honest with me and that he has become more responsible and wants to get married and starts a family with me, and that this time he knows that if he strays, ill leave and he would never break off his family and that I was the most important thing to him. He criend and begged for me back.

I again took him back always trying to convince myself that maybe im exaggerating, that maybe i need to stop being jealous and that he is just talking to friends. But it was more that he lied amd hid things that made me hurt and angry.

Things were fine for a while and i could see he started changing, he would tell me whenever a girl messages him and offer to show me the conv. He always assured me that he would be honest with me whatever happens.

Just yesterday while at work, I felt the need to go throw his phone maybe for the first time in months but I had a feeling something wasnt right. I saw a dirty conversation between him and a girl, all including sex videos and exchanging dirty sex commands. He broke down saying he got drunk yesterday (different problem as we agreed he wouldnt drink because he does stupid things when he does) and he started texting this girl for the first time and that it was a one time thing. Which i dont believe because the beginning of the conv seemed like it wasnt the first time they talked.

He broke down and started crying heavily begging me not to leave. I was stunned and disgusted with what i saw. I was speechless while he tried to convince me not to leave him, saying that he needs me in his life and everything he has been doing for a year is for our future, saying that he would be lost witjout me and would become a terrible person if i left him. Saying that he wants to marry me and cant picture his life without me.

I said i couldnt promise him anything and that he was a different person to me now and that i thought he was a cheater and left.

This time its either i leave him for good or stay with him, there is no in between. Am i making a big deal out of this or did he actually cheat on me ? We have been having problems recently and are very stressed due to problems Ive been having and relationship problems as well so im starting to feel some blame as i wasnt treating him very well.

I really dont know what to do. I love him very much and i know he loves me and needs me. Im just scared of being cheated on and deceived again.

Any words would be appreciated.

Yes, he is cheating on you. Yes, he will continue to do so if you stay with him. Gather your strength and self-respect, and leave this jerk! Everytime someone crosses your boundaries and you stay with them, you communicate that the behavior was okay. You are an anxious mess and cannot trust him for good reason. Please end the relationship and find someone who actually loves and cares for you.

Sorry to hear this. Yes this has seriously deteriorated to a cat and mouse game, a parent-naughty child dynamic, and warranted distrust and sense of betrayal. Yes break up. What he lets you see on the phone is a show and the tip of the iceberg, there may be women everywhere, especially a gf in his home country. Do you really want to be made the heavy who needs to patrol and police? Try to make other friends and try not to be so vulnerable and dependent on him.

Just yesterday while at work, I felt the need to go throw his phone maybe for the first time in months but I had a feeling something wasnt right. I saw a dirty conversation between him and a girl, all including sex videos and exchanging dirty sex commands.

I am glad that you found this now instead of after you married him. DO not marry this man. In fact, leave him. He will only cause you misery

Since you have taken him back the umpteen other times he did this, you have now taught him that he can continue and you will stay and accept it.

Do not expect him to stop since you have continually given him tacit approval to engage in cheating behaviors.

He is cheating and it's not the first or even the second time. Obviously having the attention of other women is more important to him, than his relationship with you. Besides, you've already taught him that all he has to do is cry and beg and you'll take him back again and again. You are a very convenient sucker and he clearly doesn't respect you one bit. Time for you to leave him for good and if you won't, then accept that there will always be side chicks and he'll always cheat and be sure you can live with that happily.

I'm afraid this is an extremely toxic relationship and you should break up. I don't know if your boyfriend is crossing a line by flirting with old girlfriends, but you go insanely jealous if you see him or hear about him chatting with a girl. You broke up with him several times over this, the last time for over 6 weeks! You're having huge arguments with him. It's obvious you don't trust him. You're going through his phone. You demand to know every time a girl contacts him, and he has to tell you and show you the chat. This is not a healthy relationship.

You didn't say what your ages are, but all this sounds like high school drama. Besides being jealous, you're controlling and demanding. You're trying to isolate him from his friends. You're telling him what to do. These are signs of emotional abuse and you like making this guy constantly beg for your forgiveness, making him prove his love time and time again, showing that he's probably emotionally dependent on you rather than in love with you.

Everything you've written is a warning sign that this is an unhealthy relationship, and for both of your sakes, it would be best for your mental health to split up. You're just not good for each other, and you need to work on your jealousy issues. Perhaps your next boyfriend won't have as many female friends.

Yes, this is cheating in my books.

You need to stop falling for his tears and empty; that's just a manipulation tactic to get you to stick around while he continues to hunt for other women. He hasn't changed and has no intention of changing either. He's not boyfriend material, let alone husband material.

Dump him. Find a guy who really loves you. This one doesn't, and has no respect for you.

There's no saving this relationship. He's cheated and been caught several times and got away with it, plus the many possible times he hasn't been caught, I can't see him stopping. Even if he did stop now, your trust has been damaged too much and that itself has the potential to cause drama and a breakdown of the relationship.

I'm with the others here... Dump him and move on. Unless you willing to have an open relationship and share him with other women!

HE IS CHEATING ON YOU!

OP, You need to wake up. This guy is a liar and cheat. He has shown you repeatedly that he can't be trusted, yet you keep on going back. :( How can you consider a future with someone like this?

You need to find someone who you can trust, and who respects and loves you. Lose this guy!

Relationships don't have to be this way. You could have one where the one time you think to go through his phone, it's full of pictures of you and all the fun things you have done together. And you never feel like you have to check up on him again.

I think you are asking the wrong question in your headline. Is it cheating? That shouldnt even be the concern. He did this many times even after being caught by you. Changes for a month...then goes back to sneaking/lying. The same flirting and even hiding it in secret convos. This is all too much. Trust is gone. Its going to be stressful on you to police this guy. He simply doesnt care and u leaving him is the only way he will learn. I wouldnt stay if I were u . He sexts way too much. Eventually he will take it further. Trust is broken

This isn't about the chats per se....it's about his lying to you, his manipulating, his hiding things from you, being inappropriate with other women, disrespecting you, breaking his promises, and lastly betraying you.

All of those things are major issues and things that you cannot fix. You have asked him to change time and time again and he has promised, only to run right back to other women.

He cannot love you if he keeps running to these other women.

You know that it won't work, these problems are too big now and it's non fixable.

You've given him many chances already, he will not change.

This is a form of emotional cheating. If you accept this behavior now, you will not be able to break him of it in the future and it will always be something you agreed to in this relationship.

Why don't turn this on her.

He cheated and it's normal to act paranoid. She is not emotionally abusing him. Way to minimise his part in all this. -_-

I'm afraid this is an extremely toxic relationship and you should break up. I don't know if your boyfriend is crossing a line by flirting with old girlfriends, but you go insanely jealous if you see him or hear about him chatting with a girl. You broke up with him several times over this, the last time for over 6 weeks! You're having huge arguments with him. It's obvious you don't trust him. You're going through his phone. You demand to know every time a girl contacts him, and he has to tell you and show you the chat. This is not a healthy relationship.

 

You didn't say what your ages are, but all this sounds like high school drama. Besides being jealous, you're controlling and demanding. You're trying to isolate him from his friends. You're telling him what to do. These are signs of emotional abuse and you like making this guy constantly beg for your forgiveness, making him prove his love time and time again, showing that he's probably emotionally dependent on you rather than in love with you.

 

Everything you've written is a warning sign that this is an unhealthy relationship, and for both of your sakes, it would be best for your mental health to split up. You're just not good for each other, and you need to work on your jealousy issues. Perhaps your next boyfriend won't have as many female friends.

I had a fiancee like this once. He constantly talked to girls and sexted. I found out in the end and tried to end things, he gaslighted and denied it profusely. He manipulated me to give him another chance...But after a month of me feeling like I was going insane, I had to end it.

There are guys out there who would not cheat even if girls were throwing themselves at them. Why settle for this piece of trash? Stay strong and leave him.

He is cheating and no, alcohol was not the problem. Your boyfriend is a serial cheater, he loves the attention of other women, he loves flirting and has no remorse hiding it from you or doing these things.

He is not genuine is the crocodile tears and begging. They are fake. He does it to get you to come back but if he truly meant them, he wouldn't have done it after the first time.

You don't need to replay this scenario over and over. You should have told him you wouldn't accept it after the first time, the next time he did it should have been the end.

It's not going to stop and if you believe that, you are deluding yourself. He won't stop, he has proven that to you over and over.

He is addicted to the attention of other women.

He has no loyalty, he does not respect you and he doesn't love you. He wouldn't be doing these things is he had those emotions for you.

You need to get back down to reality, accept who he is and move on. You can continue fooling yourself that he will change, but you will only be stuck in the repeat cycle for more of this crap.

Once might be considered a mistake, repeatedly it's life style.

Sorry for the person who suggested you were paranoid and controlling. Trying to twist yourself into a pretzel and ignoring your intuition when it's screaming at you will make you feel like you are losing your mind. Trying to stay in a situation like this will bring out the worst in you.

This guy has shown you who he is. I just can't help but think if this is all you've found out, imagine everything you don't know. This guy has a whole `nother life going on. And you are trying to plan your life around him?

You've given him too many chances. It's time to cut this one lose.

There are guys out there who would not cheat even if girls were throwing themselves at them. Why settle for this piece of trash? Stay strong and leave him.

^^ This.

If you married him, expect more of the same.

Talking to someone online isnt always cheating.

For the first conversation, you said there was flirting on her end.. thats not cheating. What was his response? Did he flirt back?

You broke up with him for weeks over this? Is he not allowed to have girl friends that he chats with? If the chats were not appropriate, then okay... but you still took him back.

Then you constantly worried that he would "cheat" again...which probably affected the relationship.

Then he did it again, and this time it looks worse if you actually saw videos..

You need to move on.