Should I tell his wife?

[SherrySher]

18 hours ago, the naive said:

Hi,

I'm going around in circles and could use some advice. 

I was in a relationship with a married man. We broke up 4 months ago and 2 months ago, I found the courage to take a step back. A month or so ago, he started getting back in touch. I ignored him at first and then begged him to leave me alone. He continued to message, telling me he loved and missed me, and questioned if he wanted to stay with his wife or be with me. It felt like he wanted to start things back up again, as he also said about seeing me. I kept my distance. 

Having taken a step back, I can see he was just using both of us. She never deserved any of this and she definitely doesn't deserve her husband telling another woman he loves her, and clearly isn't going to remain faithful.

I want to tell her the truth, she nearly caught him a few times before, so she knows who I am. I don't want to hurt her, but I feel she really deserves to know, especially now, it feels different.

I'm so torn and really don't know what to do.

Any advice or thoughts?

Did you know he was married from the start, or not long after? Because if you did, your morals and ethnics on cheating, is not good.

You telling her after you knowingly slept with her husband and knew he was married, will only make you look even lower.

You will look like you're trying to cause more damage and I do question if you are.

You're not interested in taking care of another person's well being, otherwise you would have never touched her husband in the first place.

The best you can do now, is leave well enough alone. Stay away from him, and reconsider your stance on cheating and married men.

[SherrySher]

19 hours ago, the naive said:

I have more than enough proof, but I don't want to flaunt the affair. Just confirm to her she was right and she should know she can't trust him

Just stop.

You've done enough damage to this woman to this woman's life.

You're not helping anything by telling her.

[tattoobunnie]

I would want to know, 100%.  

[TacticalLinguine]

I would 100% want to know. If you find a way to do it anonymously, great. Tell her, block him, be done with it and leave that poor woman alone. She does deserve to know about the knives in her back; both from him AND you. 

[Seraphim]

The thing is if she tells her and she thinks her life is a crap show now, just wait. This man has questionable morals to begin with. If he’s willing to cheat on his wife, he is willing to get someone fired and screw their life over like you have no idea.

[tattoobunnie]

If he is your superior, or any way can jeopardize your job, I would tell HR, so they cannot hold anything against you if he, himself, tries to retaliate.  He can try to get you fired, whether you say anything, not say anything, feels obligated to back, don't go back.

Yes, he is scum.  But if she gets this information, she has time to prepare her financial statements, look for hidden money, gather evidence of infidelity to work on who gets the house, custody terms, business dealings, etc.  Being blindsided where he just packs up all her stuff one day, and puts her out in the street to make room for his new honey - NOOOOOO WAY!!!

[Lambert]

I think you're feeling stuck in this cycle because you're not taking any actions to move on from the guy.

By focusing on deciding whether to tell the wife or not is you playing out the last ditch attempt to keep this all going. keeping it active and alive.

If you were to block this guy, hold your boundaries and not hurt anyone else any more (including yourself) that would also end the cycle. 

Being with married guys is lowering yourself and your value.  Work on your self esteem and then you won't be easily swayed by pigs that don't respect their wives and vows.

A married guy is never a catch. If he was so great he wouldn't be a cheater.

[waffle]

Meh.  Bunny boiling (ala Fatal Attraction) never does any good; all it does is send the betrayed wife into Stand By Your Man mode.  They will present a united front against you, the homewrecker.  Like others have said here, you'll get thrown under the bus as the crazy woman chasing after him wanting him for yourself.  I've watched it.

This isn't his first time cheating nor will it be his last.  Let someone else rat him out.

Update your resume because you're on your way out.

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

If he is your superior, or any way can jeopardize your job, I would tell HR, so they cannot hold anything against you if he, himself, tries to retaliate.  He can try to get you fired, whether you say anything, not say anything, feels obligated to back, don't go back.

Yes, he is scum.  But if she gets this information, she has time to prepare her financial statements, look for hidden money, gather evidence of infidelity to work on who gets the house, custody terms, business dealings, etc.  Being blindsided where he just packs up all her stuff one day, and puts her out in the street to make room for his new honey - NOOOOOO WAY!!!

That’s if HR chooses to believe her. They may not . It’s not set in stone it’s  going to go her way. She may find her azz out the door. 
 

I have told HR about certain people and my husband has too, not in reference to cheating or anything like that, but we found our ass out the door, not them. 

[Seraphim]

People think HR is to protect the employees. It’s actually not they protect the company and more often than not they stick with whoever has more power in that company for fear of their own job .

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, the naive said:

I want to tell her the truth, she nearly caught him a few times before.

No one has ever won a Nobel prize for this supposed act of "altruism". Sadly it comes across more as "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".

[redswim30]

31 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That’s if HR chooses to believe her. They may not . It’s not set in stone it’s  going to go her way. She may find her azz out the door. 
 

I have told HR about certain people and my husband has too, not in reference to cheating or anything like that, but we found our ass out the door, not them. 

YEP!  I've seen my share of women in the workplace be blamed, fired anyway, or if not fired called all sorts of names, etc.   Let's also hope his wife doesn't show up at work to confront you or worse. 

Sorry, OP- but you're living in a fantasy land if you think making your affair known while you work together isn't going to somehow backfire on you in both personal and professional ways.   You were a WILLING participant in this affair. That's not going to look good for you. He could hit you with a potential defamation lawsuit if you try to get him fired.   All he has to do is show that you were a willing participant in the affair and you're seeking revenge for breaking up with you and he's just trying to "save his marriage".  Where do YOU think the sympathy is going to go?  They could even hit YOU with "hostile work environment" for bringing this to them.  As Seraphim wisely said, HR is MUCH more concerned about the company, not your upset feelings that you broke up with your affair buddy.  They will also not have interest in "protecting you" so you can (or did) rat him out to his wife. A lot of places would fire you simply for asking that.  HR isn't your personal bodyguard.  How would you even start that conversation- " I started an affair and now that we broke up, I want you to protect me if he or his wife get mad at me."

IMVHO,  If someone is married to a serial cheater (and it sounds like this guy is) they usually make any and every excuse to blame anyone BUT him (or her, but in this case it's a guy).  It's ALWAYS easier to vilify the person you don't know than to admit your spouse just doesn't love/respect you.   No one has ever been "thanked" for telling someone they were cheating with their spouse.  Even if she was told "anonymously", do you really think that's going to go "better" somehow when you said his wife nearly caught you and likely knows it is you?  And do you really think he's that stupid?  I broke up with my affair partner, who is now mad at me/won't restart up with me and my wife suddenly found out "anonymously"?  

I highly advise you to STOP contact, find a new job ASAP, and put this behind you.   

 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

YEP!  I've seen my share of women in the workplace be blamed, fired anyway, or if not fired called all sorts of names, etc.   Let's also hope his wife doesn't show up at work to confront you or worse. 

Sorry, OP- but you're living in a fantasy land if you think making your affair known while you work together isn't going to somehow backfire on you in both personal and professional ways.   You were a WILLING participant in this affair. That's not going to look good for you. He could hit you with a potential defamation lawsuit if you try to get him fired.   All he has to do is show that you were a willing participant in the affair and you're seeking revenge for breaking up with you and he's just trying to "save his marriage".  Where do YOU think the sympathy is going to go?  They could even hit YOU with "hostile work environment" for bringing this to them.  As Seraphim wisely said, HR is MUCH more concerned about the company, not your upset feelings that you broke up with your affair buddy.  They will also not have interest in "protecting you" so you can (or did) rat him out to his wife. A lot of places would fire you simply for asking that.  HR isn't your personal bodyguard.  How would you even start that conversation- " I started an affair and now that we broke up, I want you to protect me if he or his wife get mad at me."

IMVHO,  If someone is married to a serial cheater (and it sounds like this guy is) they usually make any and every excuse to blame anyone BUT him (or her, but in this case it's a guy).  It's ALWAYS easier to vilify the person you don't know than to admit your spouse just doesn't love/respect you.   No one has ever been "thanked" for telling someone they were cheating with their spouse.  Even if she was told "anonymously", do you really think that's going to go "better" somehow when you said his wife nearly caught you and likely knows it is you?  And do you really think he's that stupid?  I broke up with my affair partner, who is now mad at me/won't restart up with me and my wife suddenly found out "anonymously"?  

I highly advise you to STOP contact, find a new job ASAP, and put this behind you.   

 

1000% And it is also why you don’t mess around at work. Because then your entire life becomes a dumpster fire.

[Coily]

The only way you could let the wife know is by doing so anonymously, and at the oblique. But if you do so directly, it's basically saying "Hey I banged your husband, it didn't work out so you get to suffer with me."

I personally wouldn't tell the spouse of a cheater if i was the other party. It will paint you as more of the villain than the cheater. That's typically how human nature works, sadly.

[lostandhurt]

After you tell his wife come back and let us know how it all turns out.

"The Truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you"

David Foster Wallace

Lost

[1a1a]

Yes, do tell her, not for you but for her, the chump whose health is being endangered and who’s partner is currently convincing her she’s crazy for suspecting him. 
 

perhaps, better to find a way to do it anonymously but she should know. Yes her world will be turned upside down, yeah she might even blame you, but that’s better than being deceived and endangered. Need a place to find courage to tell her, read the letters on chump lady’s website. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

I’ve spent a lot of time reading infidelity boards, accounts of the men and women victimized by someone’s selfish behavior, and many, if not most, of them absolutely would want to be told. 
 

sure, you may be doing it to relieve yourself of guilt, or to punish him for lying to you, etc etc.  But what about her? What’s best for her, the real victim of this story? it’s hard to say what side of the fence she’d be on, I personally think she deserves to know esp being that she already suspects it. However, I’d probably spill the beans anonymously for several reasons 

[Jaunty]

I don't think it's your place to tell the wife.  You don't belong in the midst of their marriage.  Stay out.

[smackie9]

Most of the time they wouldn't believe you because you are an outsider. Their heart is on their husband's side...they will believe him more than you. 

[Wiseman2]

 OP LAST VISITED :August 1, 2023

[Callia]

I don't think you should tell her. That is a very dangerous game. It's just not a good idea in my humble opinion.

[boltnrun]

Why do people keep digging up this thread that's seven months old?

[Callia]

 

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why do people keep digging up this thread that's seven months old?

It came up in my feed when I was browsing this site. 

[catfeeder]

On 3/4/2024 at 7:50 PM, Wiseman2 said:

 OP LAST VISITED :August 1, 2023