Should I tell his wife?

[JoyfulCompany]

Maybe you need to reflect on what "available" means to you. Married men who give you attention, profess love and promise you the moon and the stars are certainly not available.

If someone is in the middle of a divorce, has been in separation at least for 1-2 years and doesn't live with their spouse - okay then, could be available, depends.

Yikes, you work together? Please, consider looking for another job, this is a terrible situation.

[the naive]

I have been looking, but I love my job and I earn really good money. I'm really hoping to be out of there by the end of the year, but I haven't find the same job or similar money. I've even considered moving area, but right now it's not really an option 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, the naive said:

I have been looking, but I love my job and I earn really good money. I'm really hoping to be out of there by the end of the year, but I haven't find the same job or similar money. I've even considered moving area, but right now it's not really an option 

You don't have to remove yourself from your own life for him. You just have to remove him. But please keep in mind that he's a liar and has already told you and his wife a mountain of lies, so telling her a few more is what he'll do. He'll just throw you under the bus to save his butt. 

[MissCanuck]

Don't tell his wife.

While I don't disagree that she has a right to know that he cheats, it is no doubt going to keep you embroiled when you really just need to keep the door firmly closed on this chapter.

The ensuing drama could also affect your professional life. 

It won't be worth it for you. 

 

[the naive]

I think I might have to. I can't cope with him in and out of my life, and if we continue working together, that's always going to happen. 

My life feels like it's destroyed whether I tell her or not. At least I did feel I was doing the right thing by telling her

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, the naive said:

I think I might have to. I can't cope with him in and out of my life, and if we continue working together, that's always going to happen. 

My life feels like it's destroyed whether I tell her or not. At least I did feel I was doing the right thing by telling her

No it’s the wrong thing. You chose to take the risk of having sex with a married man. 

[Seraphim]

No, you want to use her and her anguish to get him off your back. Believe me you go to her he will make your life a living hell. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, the naive said:

Having taken a step back, I can see he was just using both of us. She never deserved any of this

You dont say. And you didnt think of it when you had an affair with her husband. But when you did finally realize that her husband wont leave her for you. So now you want to create drama for him by telling it to his wife. Not because you in particular care about his wife but because he didnt leave her for you. So you want a revenge.

Keep your schemes for yourself. He took you for a ride, accept that and move on.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, the naive said:

 I did feel I was doing the right thing by telling her

Did you already tell her? You're life is not destroyed. You've taken the first steps by ending things, but please follow through and delete and block him.

[the naive]

No I haven't told her. I nearly did

[lostandhurt]

Having been cheated on I can tell you I would have wanted to be told.

Your motives are the only thing I question.  Why do you feel the need to tell his wife?

Revenge? To have him to yourself? Hurt him like he hurt you?

  Obviously his wife's feelings didn't bother you during the affair so why now?

One of the biggest problems with our world these days is when wrongs are not exposed to the harsh light of day.  People regularly say don't cause trouble, let it go and let them figure it out, it is none of your business and on and on. This is the problem because as of right now his wife doesn't get to make the choice to stay, go to counseling, kick him out, divorce or what ever because she is being lied to, put at physical harm from possible STD's and wasting her life with a liar and cheater.  

You harmed her by banging her husband and you continue to harm her with your silence. 

 If you all of a sudden want to do the right thing for the right reasons then tell her and take your lumps for your transgressions and deceit but don't be surprised for what happens to your life in the wake from the truth coming out. 

 Simply saying you are doing it to relieve your guilt is short sighted even if it is true.  I would tell because my conscience would haunt me knowing someone is being hurt and I did nothing to stop it, close friend or stranger they are still a person that should know the truth.

    Lost

[JoyfulCompany]

44 minutes ago, the naive said:

No I haven't told her.

I really hope you decide against that. Won't do any good, it will only bring chaos - to you, too.

Often times behind a cheating husband, there's a wishful thinking wife who'll gladly take any story about a "crazy stalking woman" chasing after her beloved faithful husband before being willing to open her eyes. You never know. And you shouldn't care, especially in the shoes you chose to wear in this situation.

[Batya33]

I don’t think the affair partner should be the one - perhaps anonymously ?  I just don’t see her being the right messenger. 

[JoyfulCompany]

It's really really complex to say what's better. Some people prefer to know, some not. Sometimes there are kids involved, sometimes not. Some marriages can navigate through infidelity, some not.

I think it's quite bold to decide what's better for someone else. Maybe if you're not involved and it's a friend who've told you they prefer to eventually know - then yes, maybe you tell.

But when you didn't care in the first place and you were involved it's so much worse - your motives can rarely be the right ones and you can't know if you're doing anyone any good. So better not.

[the naive]

9 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Having been cheated on I can tell you I would have wanted to be told.

Your motives are the only thing I question.  Why do you feel the need to tell his wife?

Revenge? To have him to yourself? Hurt him like he hurt you?

  Obviously his wife's feelings didn't bother you during the affair so why now?

One of the biggest problems with our world these days is when wrongs are not exposed to the harsh light of day.  People regularly say don't cause trouble, let it go and let them figure it out, it is none of your business and on and on. This is the problem because as of right now his wife doesn't get to make the choice to stay, go to counseling, kick him out, divorce or what ever because she is being lied to, put at physical harm from possible STD's and wasting her life with a liar and cheater.  

You harmed her by banging her husband and you continue to harm her with your silence. 

 If you all of a sudden want to do the right thing for the right reasons then tell her and take your lumps for your transgressions and deceit but don't be surprised for what happens to your life in the wake from the truth coming out. 

 Simply saying you are doing it to relieve your guilt is short sighted even if it is true.  I would tell because my conscience would haunt me knowing someone is being hurt and I did nothing to stop it, close friend or stranger they are still a person that should know the truth.

    Lost

I don't want revenge, if they stay together, that's her choice, but it should be her choice. 

The past couple of months, he's make all of our decisions for us, which I allowed. And I do wonder if he had stayed away, maybe I wouldn't be considering it now.

I naively and stupidly believed we would be together, and that we were working out if we worked as a couple before he left, and then he was going to leave, with minimal damage. 

I know, I'm going to have to accept everything that comes my way, and I more than deserve it. I do just as much damage to myself.

I do wonder how I would feel if he cheats again and I could have told her. She, if she wants to, could leave him and find someone who actually loves her. 

No matter what I do, I feel like it's the wrong thing

[the naive]

19 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

It's really really complex to say what's better. Some people prefer to know, some not. Sometimes there are kids involved, sometimes not. Some marriages can navigate through infidelity, some not.

I think it's quite bold to decide what's better for someone else. Maybe if you're not involved and it's a friend who've told you they prefer to eventually know - then yes, maybe you tell.

But when you didn't care in the first place and you were involved it's so much worse - your motives can rarely be the right ones and you can't know if you're doing anyone any good. So better not.

He's decided for all of us. I just can't let go of this feeling, I should tell her, but I do see everyone's point. 

[the naive]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think the affair partner should be the one - perhaps anonymously ?  I just don’t see her being the right messenger. 

I'm not sure how to do it anonymous, and educated guess would tell them it's me

[JoyfulCompany]

So - he decides to go into the sunset with you - the heck with his wife, she's left without a choice, no problem.
But - he decides he wants to stay with his wife - what an awful cheating weasel, his wife must know, it must be her choice.

Sorry, the justice in this is beyond me, i.e. another way to say the intrusive feeling you have to tell her may not be coming from a good place.
 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, the naive said:

He's decided for all of us. I just can't let go of this feeling

It seems like the person you're most angry with is yourself for falling for this. Interaction with either of them will not repair that. You'll have to work on yourself, rather than continue to inject yourself in his marriage. That's just another way to extend the drama.

[LootieTootie]

Well it looks like you are going to tell his wife regardless of what anyone says on here.

Just be ready for the outcome - which probably will mean more drama.

[JoyfulCompany]

Are there any kids involved in the marriage?

[Seraphim]

If you do do it count your job over . 

[shouldhavelearned]

You're so worried about the right thing to do

 

 

Stop sleeping with married man

 

 

[Superstickyone]

What is the reason exactly why you wish to tell his wife?  If not for revenge, then what?  To help the wife realize?  I would not do it.  He's going to lie through his teeth and try to mollify her, to save face.  He should be dealing directly with his wife if he's unhappy for whatever reason.  Of course, no, some avoid issues & sneak around.  Like your case.

I would pack up and leave them be, move on with your life.  Tell not to contact you ever again on the future.

He's a total waste of your time.  MM are famous for hot and cold.  If it was that bad, he would have been divorced by now.  You've been hoodwinked!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[redswim30]

I want you to think for a minute about what would actually happen if you told her. 

Real life isn't like the movies where the AP tells the spouse, the spouse ditches him and becomes your BFF and you together you trash his cheating butt. 

NOPE. 

Things that could actually happen:

1. He's obviously pissed that you told his wife- he starts harassing you at work 

2. You tell his wife, SHE starts harassing you.  (I'm never quite sure when ppl say "they'd want to know" that they don't seem to accept that the AP is rarely, if ever, THANKED for this.  More often, you will get harassed - called every name, texting things, sent terrible messages, etc- with the potential of even worse things that may happen to you by either him or his wife.  In many cases, it becomes violent.  (I do work with cops, and this is far more commonplace than people care to believe)

3. He thinks " My wife knows now, so we may as well go for it" and contacts you MORE. (She may already know he's a cheater). He may think " If my wife's not gonna leave me over this, then I may as well do the crime if I'm already doing the time."

4. He makes your life a living hell at work- others at work find out and get involved, takes sides (and it sucks, but most of society will blame YOU, not him) You're the "Jezebel" that led him astray and he just couldn't "help himself"- unfair and sexist, but this is sadly the more likely scenario.  (You'll be surprised at the amount of WOMEN that will feel this way towards you)

My point is nothing in the above results in LESS contact with him.  It sounds like your HOPE in telling his wife is this-  "I'll tell his wife, she'll get pissed at him and leave him (serves him right!), and then he'll never bug me again", you're being naive.   In the vast majority of cases, that does not happen.  There's a far greater chance of you becoming embroiled in even MORE drama than of "absolving yourself" and "helping her" by telling her. 

The time to "tell her" would have been after the first time he tried to get in your pants and you said NO and THEN TOLD HER.    I'm not going to judge you, but I will ask you to not be in denial about being "concerned for his wife", you aren't concerned for her.  Your reasons for wanting to tell her are about punishing him and hoping her anger will save you from him contacting you more.  You'd be further hurting her to save yourself from the mess you created.  That is not being kind to her. 

Put this firmly in your past.  Move forward.  Don't contact him or his wife.  Look for a new job and let this be a lesson to you in not getting involved with a married person again.