Should I tell his wife?

[the naive]

Hi,

I'm going around in circles and could use some advice. 

I was in a relationship with a married man. We broke up 4 months ago and 2 months ago, I found the courage to take a step back. A month or so ago, he started getting back in touch. I ignored him at first and then begged him to leave me alone. He continued to message, telling me he loved and missed me, and questioned if he wanted to stay with his wife or be with me. It felt like he wanted to start things back up again, as he also said about seeing me. I kept my distance. 

Having taken a step back, I can see he was just using both of us. She never deserved any of this and she definitely doesn't deserve her husband telling another woman he loves her, and clearly isn't going to remain faithful.

I want to tell her the truth, she nearly caught him a few times before, so she knows who I am. I don't want to hurt her, but I feel she really deserves to know, especially now, it feels different.

I'm so torn and really don't know what to do.

Any advice or thoughts?

[Starlight925]

No, do not tell her.

How does that serve you?  

How does it serve her?

You get to assuage your guilt, you get to take revenge on him for being such a jerk, you get a momentary lift.

She gets a lifetime of knowing that you were the one who made her aware her marriage is a farce.  She will cry, she will yell, her world will be turned upside down.  And in her mind, it will be from you.

All you can do is take this lesson:  never ever ever date another woman's husband.  Ever.

He will reveal himself to her over time.  The truth always comes out.

[Seraphim]

Don’t unload your guilt on someone else, just do better and never do that again. 

[LootieTootie]

How long were you with him?

Even if you now feel like its the right thing to do, I don't think you should. Just leave them alone. I'm sure the wife will find out sooner or later.

[the naive]

Official we were together a year, but we've been involved for over 18 months.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, the naive said:

Official we were together a year, but we've been involved for over 18 months.

What’s official when he’s officially married ? You mean you had sex for a year ?  No don’t tell her.  For all the reasons above.  At least it’s over!

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

What’s official when he’s officially married ? You mean you had sex for a year ?  No don’t tell her.  For all the reasons above.  At least it’s over!

Agreed, you can’t be official with someone else’s spouse . 

[Starlight925]

Official started having sex with a man who violated his marriage vows.

Official started a year-long pattern of lies.

Official started talking about helping him break a trust with a woman to whom he pledged his life.

Shall I go on?

[shouldhavelearned]

It would only be for you to tell and what do you gain?

She clearly has some clues and suspicion

And she would question your proof 

Two wrongs don't make a right

 

[the naive]

I have more than enough proof, but I don't want to flaunt the affair. Just confirm to her she was right and she should know she can't trust him

[Seraphim]

If you were truly concerned about her welfare, you wouldn’t have started this in the first place. So don’t pretend to her now that you have her best interest at heart.

[Starlight925]

You've had 5 people here tell you no, don't tell her.

Yet you still are trying to give us reasons you want to.

You're dying to tell her.

Go ahead, tell her.  (not).

[JoyfulCompany]

I'm sorry I will sound harsh, but I find it hypocritical that you had no problem starting something with a married man and only want to tell his wife when it didn't "work out". I think you wanting to do it doesn't come from the best place internally at the moment. It's more like a desire for a revenge against him and not a concern for his wife. If you were so concerned for her, well, you know... 🙂

I'm not exactly judging you but that's my honest opinion. My belief is that the one having a partner takes the bigger share of the "blame", the other is more like "navigating through and supporting a morally grey area". I've been in the grey area before (although nobody was married) and it brought drama, suffering and a ton of guilt, so I think I learnt my lesson. So, take all of this as your lesson, block this person and stay away. And maybe think why you don't believe you deserve the full love and attention of someone who's actually available.

Put a quiet end of this chapter and move on. Good luck.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, shouldhavelearned said:

It would only be for you to tell and what do you gain?

She clearly has some clues and suspicion

And she would question your proof 

Two wrongs don't make a right

 

I agree. If you care this much about spouses being betrayed give a huge donation to a reputable organization that helps victims of domestic violence for example. Give the amount that would require you to cut back for at least a week on extras like a fancy coffee drink or other luxury items. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Rather than stooping to the level of hanging him alone...so to speak, why not own your role in this, where your behaviour was just as selfish as his?

Would telling his wife make you feel like the hero?

 

[the naive]

It didn't work out months ago, and I left them both alone. I didn't intend to tell her and I was trying to find a way to move on.

I've only considered it now, because 4 months on and still in this cycle, but he knows I'm not willing to restart things. I don't want to be the third person in their marriage anymore.

I'm not proud of what I was a part of, and did (very, very naively) believe he loved me and wanted us to be together. 

[the naive]

I know I have to face the consequences of my actions, and I am definitely not the hero

[LootieTootie]

Have you tried blocking the guy?

[the naive]

I have accepted what I've been apart of, I know I have to live with this, and I am trying to redeem myself with my friends and family.

I've already learnt from this experience and never intend for it to happen again.

We work together

[Starlight925]

OK look, I'm not going to continue to beat you up over this.

You have clearly taken responsibility and learned from this.

Next move:  Block every contact you have from him.  Never respond to him, ever.  Even if he divorces her and shows up outside your house with a boom box and flowers.  Ever.

Get some therapy to help figure out why it is that you thought the best you could do was 1/2 of a relationship that you truly deserve.

 

[JoyfulCompany]

7 minutes ago, the naive said:

I've only considered it now, because 4 months on and still in this cycle, but he knows I'm not willing to restart things. I don't want to be the third person in their marriage anymore.

You have the power to end the cycle but you're still partially giving it away to him by keeping some communication line open. Not worth it, block him everywhere and thus - allow yourself the space and time to heal and move on. The shortest path to your future happiness is to not let him bother you with his BS anymore.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, the naive said:

We work together

How long have you worked together? Is he or you in a supervisory position? 

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps, except for business.

He and his wife could cause all sorts of headaches for you, given that you work together. If you tell her, he'll tell her it's over,it meant nothing and he'll depict you as an unhinged fatal attraction case. 

Clearly it's very transparent revenge for staying with his wife.  And somewhere sadly the hope that you'll destroy his marriage, and he'll run off into the sunset with you.

Please reflect how you went down the dark lonely road. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. 

Affairs are very lonely and isolating. Please get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Because of the secrecy involved in affairs you'll need to unpack and sort out what happened privately and confidentiality with professional guidance and exploring why you went this way.

[the naive]

Nearly 2 years, he's in middle management.

I don't want to be with him, not after everything. There will be no walking into the sunset together. 

He never acted unavailable, looking back, he really was an arsehole 

[Cherylyn]

Ghost,  block,  delete permanently. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, the naive said:

Nearly 2 years, he's in middle management. He never acted unavailable,  

Being married is unavailable. You can do this, but it could backfire. 

He has saved his marriage throughout and whatever you tell his wife would be dismissed as: he made a mistake, you meant nothing, it was just sex, you chased him, you're unhinged, etc etc etc.

She's not going to thank you for your "altruism". She may already know he's a womanizer anyway. 

Place your time effort and energy where is does you some benefit, such as therapy to explore why you got caught up in this.