What if he becomes interested in her

[JoyceVib]

Hi guys,

 

Ive been dating a guy since some months, its going really great. It feels stable (weve known each other for years). 

Now a thing that bothers me a bit is that I have a friend who is a model and absolutely gorgeous in a unique way. She has some features I have as well and as for character we are very similiar in person. 

 

I am 100% sure she is absolutely his type. And that can happen.

The thing that bothers me is that they never met, I only showed pictures of her a year ago and talked about her. He once told me the only girl friend I have he really finds pretty is her. It did fit in the subject we talked about, wasnt a weird thing. 

Now he sometimes asks me how she is doing, when she texts me shes not in a good place he wants to visit her and when I say Im gonna meet her he says to say hi from him. 

He never does that with any of my other friends, which he actually did meet in real life. If other friends say they have a problem he never comes up with going there to help and he never asks about other friends either. 

I talked with him about my past, only had cheaters and its a big issue for me to trust.  Also talked about finding it hard if he meets her (after he said he finds her pretty). He says he wants me and it really feels good and stable. I trust him. 

Still I think subconciously there is some interest in her (which I get). But it brings up previous fears of the past and it does stay in my mind a bit. I dont know how I feel about introducing them in real life. But I dont think its a big thing, but more a big fear of me I dont want to become reality nontheless. 

Does anyone know how to deal with your boyfriend being slightly interested in a friend? How to rationalize this?

 

Thank you!!

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

when she texts me shes not in a good place he wants to visit her and when I say Im gonna meet her he says to say hi from him. 

Stop talking about her. He seems inappropriate.

[Jibralta]

30 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

Now he sometimes asks me how she is doing, when she texts me shes not in a good place he wants to visit her and when I say Im gonna meet her he says to say hi from him. 

I think that's really weird behavior. I can't imagine ever saying something like that to my boyfriend, "Hey, tell your hot friend 'hi' from me." It's just so obviously inappropriate and I know it would make him look at me, like What kind of asshle are you?

[Rose Mosse]

Tell him his comments are inappropriate. You need to vocalize better and not stew like this in private or allow your thoughts to run amuck. You’re dating now to gauge whether you accept or don’t accept each other as you are, behaviours, quirks, beliefs etc. Were you fishing for compliments by showing him a photo of her since you are similar to her? 

You said you trust him but it doesn’t sound like it and his comments don’t build trust. They beg more questions than offer answers actually. 

[Kwothe28]

41 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

Now he sometimes asks me how she is doing, when she texts me shes not in a good place he wants to visit her

Its a weird sentence, what do you mean "He wants to visit her when she is not in a good place"? He doesnt know her lol

Anyway, one basic fact of life is that people have more "lighter" attitude toward beautiful people. She is a model so him getting "giggity" when you mention her isnt really that strange. Doesnt mean that he would cheat. However, that "he wants to visit her" is kinda really strange sentence to say. "Say Hi" at least here isnt that unusual thing to say when you meet someone without that person, but that first part is just weird. What, he wants to console her? 

[JoyceVib]

19 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think that's really weird behavior. I can't imagine ever saying something like that to my boyfriend, "Hey, tell your hot friend 'hi' from me." It's just so obviously inappropriate and I know it would make him look at me, like What kind of asshle are you?

I agree! It was today and we were on the phone. After we hang up I realized I didnt like it. If it happens again I will call him out on it. 

[Pleasedonot5]

6 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

I agree! It was today and we were on the phone. After we hang up I realized I didnt like it. If it happens again I will call him out on it. 

Since it happened today, why not just call him up now and tell him that what he said bothered you? 

[JoyceVib]

12 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Tell him his comments are inappropriate. You need to vocalize better and not stew like this in private or allow your thoughts to run amuck. You’re dating now to gauge whether you accept or don’t accept each other as you are, behaviours, quirks, beliefs etc. Were you fishing for compliments by showing him a photo of her since you are similar to her? 

You said you trust him but it doesn’t sound like it and his comments don’t build trust. They beg more questions than offer 

I dont understand why the part about my reason to show the picture of her is important, feels out of context. I showed him because I feel proud of her being about to make art like that. Its really gorgeous and unique. 

I think the problem about telling a story in a  forum is thst youre never able to show the full story around. I focus on this subject not to make the topic too long. I do trust him, I can talk about anything with him and vice versa, he is kind and if I let him know something is up so far he always listened and made an effort to better the situation.  In this case it might sound like a big deal but it isnt (yet anyways). Im talking about a time spectrum of six months, and I think it happend around 6 times by now. Today I had him on a call and talked about my friends I was gonna meet this week. Only when I said her name he asked me to say hi. After the call I realized I wanted to call him out on it. Too late unfortunately, next time I will. I get your point 

[JoyceVib]

5 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Since it happened today, why not just call him up now and tell him that what he said bothered you? 

I was thinking about that, but I dont want to make a big deal out of it. I think its better to mention at the moment he says it. If it happens again I definitely will.

[Rose Mosse]

Good luck then with the conversation when it comes. 

[Batya33]

Two really odd things about this story.  First is how focused you are on this particular friend and your assumptions about how he would be attracted to her in person - that's just a really odd thing to focus on with a new partner especially.  Does he make rude comments in your presence about women he finds attractive who you see when you're out?

I think he's interested because you've made this such a focus consciously or otherwise so now he's intrigued beyond noticing that she looks attractive.  I am not anywhere near a model and it never once occurred to me in all my years of dating that someone who I was dating exclusively might be attracted to one of my friends to the extent of any actual concern.  That's mostly because I dated men who I thought highly of -people of character and integrity.  Who wouldn't just chase after someone who looked "hot".  Even if she was hot plus "like me" - I mean really?  Doesn't your boyfriend deserve more credit than you thinking he's going to pursue your friend because she's like you and with the "bonus" that her physical features are more model-like?

Second is why she comes up so much in conversation - I think again you instigated this - but yes it's odd that he wants to go visit someone he's never met to "help" her.

Now if he's generally making classless, tacky comments about women's looks then I get it.  Then it's not about your friend but his lack of character and basic manners.  

I think it's fine that you told him about your past trauma with cheaters.  But it's not his issue.  It's yours.  

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  It's weird that he says she's really pretty to you.  He should be considerate and respectful of your feelings by exercising discretion.  He demonstrates too much enthusiasm for your friend and tells you to say "hi" to her despite not knowing her.  That's odd and unacceptable behavior.  I would not introduce your friend to him. 

Maintain separation between your boyfriend and your social life with your friend.  Don't text her when you're with your boyfriend otherwise she's a distraction for both of you.  Wait until your boyfriend is not with you on a day you're not together.  No sense creating avoidable situations if you can.

Something about your boyfriend is insincere and disrespectful towards you and your relationship with him.  He doesn't sound like a long term keeper.  Something is off with him which you need to heed as warning bells in your brain.

[SooSad33]

Saying someone is pretty should be acceptable.

I'm sure he is probably enough into you he won't risk things by leaning her way? I hope he'd be more respectful.  Is not like he is not interested in you.. and a guy ( if he's for real) won't just dump a girl for another, just because she is pretty.

You said she is in a bad place?  Then I doubt she would even look twice at him.. or I hope not. Plus, out of respect, don't you think she wouldn't even go there, knowing you are involved with him?  ( am assuming he is still young).

 

[Tinydance]

Maybe I'm on a different wave length to everyone else here but I just have a huge pet peeve about people being shallow. I think if my boyfriend was acting like this, it would actually really put me off and even to the point of ending the relationship if he didn't stop doing this.

Yes of course if she's a model and very beautiful, he would likely find her attractive. But what I would find concerning is that he shows no interest in any of your other friends as people or their well being, even though he's actually met them. The primary person he should care about here is YOU because you're his girlfriend. So he should care about all your friends (as people) if you care about them.

The fact that he keeps saying you should go visit the friend and to say "hi" from him, but never does it for your other friends, plainly shows that he's super shallow. He doesn't have a genuine interest or care about people unless they're hot.

He's saying to go visit and to say hi to someone he doesn't even know. Visit for what? It's obvious he doesn't care about your other friends in the same way so for him to visit he might be thinking this friend of yours might become interested in him. So if she became interested, will he just dump you? Of course men are attracted to beautiful women but there's a difference between thinking she's hot in his own mind and actually behaving like this.

Do you really want a guy who's going to keep trying to go after another woman just because she's attractive? And what makes it worse is she's actually your friend.

Men will always see beautiful women around them but the point is they should like their girlfriend or wife enough that they don't actually do anything about it. He's very obviously doing something about it.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

Now he sometimes asks me how she is doing, when she texts me shes not in a good place he wants to visit her and when I say Im gonna meet her he says to say hi from him. 

This is strange, considering he has never met her. It's quite obvious he wants to get to know her and he wants to put himself on her map, so to speak. 

10 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

Does anyone know how to deal with your boyfriend being slightly interested in a friend?

Frankly, I have never dated a guy who behaved like this. And if I got the idea that a boyfriend liked a friend, well, I wouldn't bother keeping him as my boyfriend. 

[Carnatic]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Saying someone is pretty should be acceptable.

I'm sure he is probably enough into you he won't risk things by leaning her way? I hope he'd be more respectful.  Is not like he is not interested in you.. and a guy ( if he's for real) won't just dump a girl for another, just because she is pretty.

You said she is in a bad place?  Then I doubt she would even look twice at him.. or I hope not. Plus, out of respect, don't you think she wouldn't even go there, knowing you are involved with him?  ( am assuming he is still young).

 

He isn't just saying she's pretty though. The OP acknowleges that the one time he mentioned her being pretty it was in context, so maybe she asked him 'which one of my friends is most attractive' or something.

But asking after a girl he's never met, and suggesting he go visit her when she's down is kind of weird. It's not out of concern for her because the last thing she wants when she's down will be her friend's boyfriend who she's never met before turning up, and the OP does say that he doesn't know this level of 'concern' for her other friends... only the one he thinks is the most attractive.

It's certainly a cause for concern... even if it's unlikely that the two of them are going to get together it's still fairly creepy behaviour. Maybe he's joking or trying to wind her up or something, or doesn't realise he's doing it but in that case then it's probably worth bringing it up as an issue.

[waffle]

18 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

. . . he sometimes asks me how she is doing, when she texts me shes not in a good place he wants to visit her and when I say Im gonna meet her he says to say hi from him. 

 

 

I'd tell him that his faux concern for her wellbeing is touching but she has enough men rushing to be by her side when she's in a funk.

He sounds a bit like a clown and for all your claims that the relationship is "stable" it doesn't really seem like it.  I think for now I'd quit mentioning her to him in any context and see how things proceed.  What she does and says is none of his business anyway.

[Andrina]

I can't imagine my husband or any of my female friends' partners wanting to tag along when said friend needs a shoulder to cry on. They'd breathe a sigh of relief when left out of it. You're seeing a pattern here, so trust your gut and don't ignore that strange behavior. 

If it were me, I wouldn't even have a discussion with him. You can't change what's been on his mind even if he were to no longer to voice it because you've told him to stop.

Even if he were never to go after her, he could indulge in voyeurism and fantasy and act differently around her than your other friends. Just because you knew him as an acquaintance or friend before you started dating doesn't mean you knew how he'd be as a bf. What is his relationship history? How old are you two?

You've only been dating a few months. I'd get out now before you waste any more time since you feel like your relationship is built on quicksand versus concrete.

[Batya33]

I don't think all straight men are attracted to women who look like models just like all straight women are not attracted to men who are supposed to be "hot".  I do think men in general are more "visual" but adult people of integrity don't chase after people or express interest in getting to know another person just based on looks other than maybe in a joking way or a celebrity crush way - and certainly not expressing it to their significant other.

[boltnrun]

He could also be attracted to a woman who isn't super pretty.  Being pretty doesn't guarantee he wants to leave you for her, just like being NOT pretty doesn't guarantee he won't.

[waffle]

23 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

He once told me the only girl friend I have he really finds pretty is her. It did fit in the subject we talked about, wasnt a weird thing. 

And frankly I've never had a conversation with anyone where a comment on my friends' attractiveness would be natural and not inappropriate.  Something is definitely not right here.

[smackie9]

If you don't trust him, you must trust her no? Nothing can happen unless she follows suit. If acts he like a total idiot and steps out of bounds, would she not reject him and tell you? Then it would mean she did you a favor and have every reason to dump him because you now see the kind of person he is. Does any of that make sense?

[catfeeder]

If my BF had one friend who he's spoken about but is the only one of his friends who I've never met, that alone would make him stand out as a special interest to me.

You either believe that BF is trustworthy, or you don't.

If not, then that doesn't really say anything about this particular friend--it's a much larger issue.

[Coily]

I just have to wonder if the OP being proud of her friend's modeling career may have put in the BF's brain that he needs to pay special attention to the model friend?

It does strike me as odd he is carrying on this way, but maybe he thinks this is being supportive in a weird way.

The only way to get at the root of this is a genuine conversation between the OP and BF, "calling him out" will just lead to lies and deception at this stage.