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Hello All,

 

Without getting to personal, I wanted to keep this somewhat general and ask about Sex and Marriage and the "whys" and "confusion" I have being a man with this sensitive topic - Somewhat geared towards the married woman on the boards, but open to anyone who wants to add some advice!

 

1. Why is it that when you date you seem to have a different perspectives on how Sex should be between the two of you, (IE - frequency, level of interest, spontaneous, experimentation of different things, and energy level etc) ?

 

2. Why is it when your married those things mentioned above seen to dwindle and ones / or both in the marriage perspective becomes less of Sex and more of the daily grind ?

 

3. Why is it that when a man/husband wants to make love to his wife it comes off like he is a teenager in heat to the wife? After years of marriage shouldn't it be both ways? Why does it become the man initiation all the time? Why does the woman become so uninterested?

 

4. Are there woman out there that can handle the daily stressors, kids, home chores etc and still have a pumped up libido? Or does that not exist?

 

5. Yes I've heard my share in the last year (weirdly) of Men claiming they are "too tired" however how did we get to that point? Isnt sex suppose to be enjoyable? Men saying that is rare unless they are tapped out of the marriage but Woman seem to have the excuse down to a science

 

6. What are the major players in a persons (wives) life that will completely zap one of her sexual desire on any given day? (Ive heard the actual comment "I have my urges during the day, but than they quickly fade away" if that is the case why not act on them with your husband?

 

7. What does it take to bring back that energetic, lusting person you once known ? Going away alone? House chores done? What does it for you ? Isnt having sex/making love bring two closer? Feel good? Lessen stress? Have fun?

 

8. Does having the kids out of the house eventually bring back that lust, and sexual health that you once had?

 

9. Overall why do woman change and why is it so mental to get in the mood?

 

10. Does it bother you that your husband/man has such a high libido all the time?

 

Thank you all in advance! I would say on my own personal level this hits home, and while I will always have the libido of a 16yr old, I often ponder these things, and it makes me question how someone can go from one person to another in a few short years ...Now we arent talking about happiness or the state of marriages or anything too deep ....and I get that when things are crazy (COVID, depression, children or family issues, etc) than things can go sideways for awhile but other than that?

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For me it was menopause. Have ZERO interest and lack of hormones changes the skin in EVERY part of your body. It makes sex painful and skin can tear. It doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely adore my husband or don’t think he is handsome or not attracted. That still remains.

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Oh blimey , I am trying to just take this for what it is without the sexist connotations it gives off .

 

I have never married but lived in civil partnerships .

 

I have to say I have only ever met one man who can actually put his money where is mouth is . Over and over I have met men who do the talk , love sex , lots of sex , experiment , role play yadyada and when it comes to it 6 months down the line everything changes . I know many many women who feel like that and have experienced that so this is a two way street buddy .

 

I think the media has a lot to play in the damnation of women and sex . Especially the older sit coms were sex was used as a reward for men for being a good boy ... taking the rubbish out and hammering a nail in the wall . It is always portrayed as the women who controls the sex because all men appear to be gagging for it and all women are busy doing their embroidery .

 

But you have obviously experienced this first hand regardless of the media , but just know it is not * women * it is people in general .

 

I think most people calm down a bit after the honey moon period ..so there is that to consider .

Having children does change things for some women . Sometimes a woman is cut to shreds down there and childbirth can spell out a life of sexual pain for the unlucky few .

Quite often women can lose a lot of confidence post natal ..we can come out of these things with enough stretch marks to guide you round the outskirts of Russia and that weight gain ...ouch ..

Those are real and genuine reasons that I know post natal women struggle with ..

 

The rest of your questions I apply to both men and women .

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For me it was menopause. Have ZERO interest and lack of hormones changes the skin in EVERY part of your body. It makes sex painful and skin can tear. It doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely adore my husband or don’t think he is handsome or not attracted. That still remains.

 

Oh God vic I am the opposite , honestly I could do next doors dog some days .

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Everyone is different, but I will answers these as honestly as I can.

 

1. Why is it that when you date you seem to have a different perspectives on how Sex should be between the two of you, (IE - frequency, level of interest, spontaneous, experimentation of different things, and energy level etc) ?

 

I just have to go with everyone is different on this one. You need to find someone who has sex as as high a priority as you do.

 

 

2. Why is it when your married those things mentioned above seen to dwindle and ones / or both in the marriage perspective becomes less of Sex and more of the daily grind ?

 

This is exactly the reason why some people who love sex, don't want to get married. Even with couples who are SUPER into each other, the 500th time isn't going to be as exciting as the 1st- 10th time. Dating is much different than daily life.

When you are dating of course the sex can be more spontaneous and fun, you are only seeing the person for fun. Once you are married, real life kicks in. Your partner WON'T always be in the mood. Life happens. Again, this goes back to finding someone who sex is the same priority level as you.

 

 

3. Why is it that when a man/husband wants to make love to his wife it comes off like he is a teenager in heat to the wife? After years of marriage shouldn't it be both ways? Why does it become the man initiation all the time? Why does the woman become so uninterested?

 

I don't think all women are like this, but I won't lie, some are. Some women just see sex as a means to marriage and children and lose interest after both. Or you may have a wife who just isn't that interesting in sex for itself.

 

4. Are there woman out there that can handle the daily stressors, kids, home chores etc and still have a pumped up libido? Or does that not exist?

 

It depends on what you mean by "PUMPED UP". Most women's sexual desires do change after children. It's the old joke- " You can either have a romantic and sexual marriage OR children, but you can't have both." There are lots of women who have amped up sexual lives, but they often are not married or do not want children. Of course, some women exist who have and want both. Everyone is different. But if you are looking for a woman who is NEVER stressed and constantly wants sex- THAT woman does not exist.

 

5. Yes I've heard my share in the last year (weirdly) of Men claiming they are "too tired" however how did we get to that point? Isnt sex suppose to be enjoyable? Men saying that is rare unless they are tapped out of the marriage but Woman seem to have the excuse down to a science

 

NOT all women, but some women do see sex as simply a "duty" and don't really enjoy it. Men who don't want sex give excuses, too. Just ask my ex-husband. It's all about finding someone who matches your level.

My ex husband and I weren't at the same level. My current husband and I both prioritize sex, so it's different.

 

 

6. What are the major players in a persons (wives) life that will completely zap one of her sexual desire on any given day? (Ive heard the actual comment "I have my urges during the day, but than they quickly fade away" if that is the case why not act on them with your husband?

 

This is normal, I think. But I think it's normal for men as well. Maybe you're at work? Maybe you just watched a sexy movie, but by the time your spouse gets home, you're tired?

So, I actually think this is normal. Life and stress gets in the way sometimes.

 

7. What does it take to bring back that energetic, lusting person you once known ? Going away alone? House chores done? What does it for you ? Isnt having sex/making love bring two closer? Feel good? Lessen stress? Have fun?

 

You need to know your partner's love language. Maybe it IS doing chores for your wife, or maybe it's having a date night. I think you need to think the opposite way, from a woman's perspective. IMVHO, most women need to ALREADY feel emotionally close and in a good mood to WANT to have sex. We don't see sex as a MEANS to lower stress, that's more of a guy thing in general.

 

8. Does having the kids out of the house eventually bring back that lust, and sexual health that you once had?

 

Maybe yes, maybe no. Some parents once the kids leave the nest, find they have nothing in common anymore or their marriage has gone totally by the wayside. IMO, you need to work on that NOW and not wait until the kids are gone cause that might already be too late. And NO, I wouldn't expect a YEARS long pattern of not making sex a priority suddenly to change just cause the kids are gone. Some women (and men) actually get depressed once the kids leave. This is ESPECIALLY true in marriages where the kids has been the glue to an already crumbling marriage.

 

 

9. Overall why do woman change and why is it so mental to get in the mood?

 

Again, I don't think every woman is like this. But kids DO change everything about your sex life. Period. It's just a fact. You have to both want to make sex a priority or it won't change.

 

10. Does it bother you that your husband/man has such a high libido all the time?

 

I LOVE that my husband has such a high libido. But his ex-wife didn't. Most of this boils down to finding the right person to begin with. You cannot magically make someone want sex to be a priority if they don't want that.

Not to get down on kids, but it's just true for a lot of people that having kids often makes sex dwindle or become non-existent at least for a while, if not a long time unless you make it a priority. That's why people really need to think about what matters most to them and what they are willing to compromise on.

 

To be totally honest with you, a lot of women stop caring about sex after having kids. But lots of other women don't- they still want it. Change happens anytime you are with someone for a long period of time.

Long marriages are WORK and you have to be willing to do that work. Or if in the long run your partner ISN'T willing to do that work, you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not.

Marriage changes things and so do children. This is why it's important to either decide that sex is your highest priority and NOT get married so you can be free to just have that FUN and that PUMPED UP feeling that never fades since you just have one new partner after the next. Or you get married and try to work out with your spouse whether or not you want kids and IF you do, how you will navigate making sex a priority so you don't lose that connection.

 

Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is an important element. I don't mean to sound down on kids and I don't like to generalize, but in my experience I find most of these things to be true. Many people have kids and still have strong sex lives, but it DOES require more work and effort from BOTH partners.

 

But the truest of them ALL is this, people don't really TALK about sex and how much of a priority it is for them before marriage. But everyone should. I think many people marry and do not discover they are on MUCH different pages about sex until it comes times for kids or even AFTER and by then, there's much you can do others than either TRY and work on it together or separate.

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Everyone is different, but I will answers these as honestly as I can.

 

1. Why is it that when you date you seem to have a different perspectives on how Sex should be between the two of you, (IE - frequency, level of interest, spontaneous, experimentation of different things, and energy level etc) ?

 

I just have to go with everyone is different on this one. You need to find someone who has sex as as high a priority as you do.

 

 

2. Why is it when your married those things mentioned above seen to dwindle and ones / or both in the marriage perspective becomes less of Sex and more of the daily grind ?

 

This is exactly the reason why some people who love sex, don't want to get married. Even with couples who are SUPER into each other, the 500th time isn't going to be as exciting as the 1st- 10th time. Dating is much different than daily life.

When you are dating of course the sex can be more spontaneous and fun, you are only seeing the person for fun. Once you are married, real life kicks in. Your partner WON'T always be in the mood. Life happens. Again, this goes back to finding someone who sex is the same priority level as you.

 

 

3. Why is it that when a man/husband wants to make love to his wife it comes off like he is a teenager in heat to the wife? After years of marriage shouldn't it be both ways? Why does it become the man initiation all the time? Why does the woman become so uninterested?

 

I don't think all women are like this, but I won't lie, some are. Some women just see sex as a means to marriage and children and lose interest after both. Or you may have a wife who just isn't that interesting in sex for itself.

 

4. Are there woman out there that can handle the daily stressors, kids, home chores etc and still have a pumped up libido? Or does that not exist?

 

It depends on what you mean by "PUMPED UP". Most women's sexual desires do change after children. It's the old joke- " You can either have a romantic and sexual marriage OR children, but you can't have both." There are lots of women who have amped up sexual lives, but they often are not married or do not want children. Of course, some women exist who have and want both. Everyone is different. But if you are looking for a woman who is NEVER stressed and constantly wants sex- THAT woman does not exist.

 

5. Yes I've heard my share in the last year (weirdly) of Men claiming they are "too tired" however how did we get to that point? Isnt sex suppose to be enjoyable? Men saying that is rare unless they are tapped out of the marriage but Woman seem to have the excuse down to a science

 

NOT all women, but some women do see sex as simply a "duty" and don't really enjoy it. Men who don't want sex give excuses, too. Just ask my ex-husband. It's all about finding someone who matches your level.

My ex husband and I weren't at the same level. My current husband and I both prioritize sex, so it's different.

 

 

6. What are the major players in a persons (wives) life that will completely zap one of her sexual desire on any given day? (Ive heard the actual comment "I have my urges during the day, but than they quickly fade away" if that is the case why not act on them with your husband?

 

This is normal, I think. But I think it's normal for men as well. Maybe you're at work? Maybe you just watched a sexy movie, but by the time your spouse gets home, you're tired?

So, I actually think this is normal. Life and stress gets in the way sometimes.

 

7. What does it take to bring back that energetic, lusting person you once known ? Going away alone? House chores done? What does it for you ? Isnt having sex/making love bring two closer? Feel good? Lessen stress? Have fun?

 

You need to know your partner's love language. Maybe it IS doing chores for your wife, or maybe it's having a date night. I think you need to think the opposite way, from a woman's perspective. IMVHO, most women need to ALREADY feel emotionally close and in a good mood to WANT to have sex. We don't see sex as a MEANS to lower stress, that's more of a guy thing in general.

 

8. Does having the kids out of the house eventually bring back that lust, and sexual health that you once had?

 

Maybe yes, maybe no. Some parents once the kids leave the nest, find they have nothing in common anymore or their marriage has gone totally by the wayside. IMO, you need to work on that NOW and not wait until the kids are gone cause that might already be too late. And NO, I wouldn't expect a YEARS long pattern of not making sex a priority suddenly to change just cause the kids are gone. Some women (and men) actually get depressed once the kids leave. This is ESPECIALLY true in marriages where the kids has been the glue to an already crumbling marriage.

 

 

9. Overall why do woman change and why is it so mental to get in the mood?

 

Again, I don't think every woman is like this. But kids DO change everything about your sex life. Period. It's just a fact. You have to both want to make sex a priority or it won't change.

 

10. Does it bother you that your husband/man has such a high libido all the time?

 

I LOVE that my husband has such a high libido. But his ex-wife didn't. Most of this boils down to finding the right person to begin with. You cannot magically make someone want sex to be a priority if they don't want that.

Not to get down on kids, but it's just true for a lot of people that having kids often makes sex dwindle or become non-existent at least for a while, if not a long time unless you make it a priority. That's why people really need to think about what matters most to them and what they are willing to compromise on.

 

To be totally honest with you, a lot of women stop caring about sex after having kids. But lots of other women don't- they still want it. Change happens anytime you are with someone for a long period of time.

Long marriages are WORK and you have to be willing to do that work. Or if in the long run your partner ISN'T willing to do that work, you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not.

Marriage changes things and so do children. This is why it's important to either decide that sex is your highest priority and NOT get married so you can be free to just have that FUN and that PUMPED UP feeling that never fades since you just have one new partner after the next. Or you get married and try to work out with your spouse whether or not you want kids and IF you do, how you will navigate making sex a priority so you don't lose that connection.

 

Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is an important element. I don't mean to sound down on kids and I don't like to generalize, but in my experience I find most of these things to be true. Many people have kids and still have strong sex lives, but it DOES require more work and effort from BOTH partners.

 

But the truest of them ALL is this, people don't really TALK about sex and how much of a priority it is for them before marriage. But everyone should. I think many people marry and do not discover they are on MUCH different pages about sex until it comes times for kids or even AFTER and by then, there's much you can do others than either TRY and work on it together or separate.

 

Amazing Response! Thank you and all so far who have responded! I am going to throw this one out there now, what about the basis that a woman needs attention / love from her man on the side of sex, that one always throws me for a loop! When a woman doesnt get enough attention (and interestingly enough its not sex attention) she at times can stray, ive seen that as well! Maybe someone can answer to that?

 

As for your response sounds like kids (and yes i have them) are part of the mental struggle! And its hard to have that talk when your dating your having a ton of sex, you dont foreshadow that happening when you get married! But yes the priortizing part is huge part, however talking about sex turns it quickly into a chore! This is the double edge sword! I would for one love to hear a woman say i initiate all the time, and my husbands loves it, i hear many woman say they dont get enough, and yet when the man wants to have sex its the kids or im tired, its kinda silly! The disconnect is real and starts with the attention, the good day, the good mood, but its timely a small window of opportunity in my book....

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Yes I've heard my share in the last year (weirdly) of Men claiming they are "too tired" Well, your clear stereotypes of men vs. women in this department probably transfers to other areas of life, so that could be one turn-off. Why is it weird that all men aren't just like you? I dated a man for a year who, after the honeymoon period, only wanted sex once every two months, and I was the one left wanting.

 

I recall answering one of your posts quite a while ago and gave detailed advice. Obviously nothing has improved. What have you done, proactively, to improve your relationship?

 

Reasons a person doesn't want to have sex, whether male or female. Antidepressants can lower libido, along with anger at the partner, exhausted from chores, child-rearing, stressful career, intense pressure from partner, staying in marriage just for the kids or financially unable to leave marriage, etc. Always had a low libido, but everything's on overdrive in the honeymoon stage, so that wasn't clear then. Communication about needs is poor. No longer physically attracted to partner. Outgrew the relationship.

 

Possible remedies? Ask her what she wants to improve the marriage. Her answers might offer insight. Stop being so thirsty for sex. For now, concentrate on pleasing her without the end goal as sex. Do more chores. Tell her to take time for herself while you attend to the kids. Give her a back rub or foot rub. Buy her a romantic card or small gift even though it's not a special occasion.

 

You can also attend couples counseling if none of that works to improve things between you two. Good luck.

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Mr. Ad.

 

I'll pick number 10 on your list.

 

"10. Does it bother you that your husband/man has such a high libido all the time?"

 

Absolutely not. Why would it bother me? I think it's great.

 

And:

 

"Isnt sex suppose to be enjoyable?"

 

Of course it is, OP.

 

Redswim, I agree:

 

"people don't really TALK about sex and how much of a priority it is for them before marriage. But everyone should. "

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I don't think a deep dive into the most time-tested of gender stereotypes has ever served anyone—man or woman—in finding greater intimacy. Not with themselves, not with a partner.

 

As a thought experiment, imagine a woman trying to understand you through such a questionnaire. Would you feel more alive, more human, more understood, more "seen" in the sense of feeling almost (and thrillingly!) naked even when your clothes are on? Or would you feel like monkey in a lab, a frog dissected in Biology 101, the complexity of your person reduced to a sitcom script? Would you—to put it bluntly—be turned on or turned off?

 

Something to think about, or not, as you see fit.

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I think its hard to answer these questions as in all men, all women. This list seems rather your person experiences, projected on to population.

 

With that said, I think the most effective way to get what you want out of your relationship, is to understand yourself: your needs, what is acceptable, what is not. and then having the self confidence to seek only that which meets your criteria.

 

many women love sex and want it a lot (whatever that is) and many men lose interest... its really as simple as that for me.

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Stress in the marriage/household = Stress in the bedroom.

 

You need marriage counseling to get the cards on the table about all the brewing resentments and have a professional guide you to start a productive dialogue. Begging, pleading, joking, etc. surely isn't working.

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To summarize, you wondered why a woman would be more inclined to want to have sex when she's single and dating someone and then wonder why things would change with the stressors of a household and taking care of children?

 

I am going to go stereotype here. .but I think it applies for most.

Men make love with their bodies, women make love with their minds.

 

So if your wife spends the majority of her day taking care of everybody else's needs is it any surprise she doesn't have much left over at the end of the day?

What can you both do to change this?

 

One of your questions was if the stressors were removed would it make a difference? Well of course. But what if you are one of the stressors?

 

Your life has changed. That's a fact. You can't expect your sex life to remain exactly the same as it was when you two were single. And so you know, it will change again and again as your life and marriage evolves. You need to learn to roll with it. I am not saying you aren't supposed to expect intimacy, but you need to let go of comparing what it was like when you were young.

 

It's a common universal struggle, but couples work together to come up with a plan to change it.

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I am quoting this because as far as I am concerned it is true.

 

"Sex is a bonding, emotional experience for men too.

For most men, sex is a way of connecting to your wife emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. The sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends."

 

"Sex lowers stress and anxiety by releasing all sorts of good-for-you hormones, and that can help ward off depression, too. Studies show that men and women who have intercourse with their partners have greater satisfaction with their mental health."

 

What's not to like about this picture?

 

Forgot to add that it is immensely relaxing.

Edited by LaHermes
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I'm married with a son -almost 12 years (son is 11). I'm not going to answer these questions because of how loaded, stereotypical, negative they are -not every single one but so many it taints all the discussion/answers. People are individuals. People marry for individual reasons. People have kids for individual reasons. I'm atypical in the sense that we married later (42), had our child right away, I was home for 7 years (very atypical at my age and given my career) and I also think it depends on what the sex life was like before, expectations, health/life situation (um, pandemic anyone while going through menopause??) - and just so many daily and individual variances that it's hard to discuss and even harder when the questions have the sort of negative bent/agenda most of yours do.

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Self-entitlement is such a turn off... I don't know about anyone else but I feel like my lower half bits just drop off and walk away after that.

 

Personally it's an attitude thing. A nice dose of confidence, flirting, compliments, great shared topics... what is there not to love? Everything after that is easy peasy.

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I am quoting this because as far as I am concerned it is true.

 

"Sex is a bonding, emotional experience for men too.

For most men, sex is a way of connecting to your wife emotionally and physically. It builds a bond that promotes closeness and emotional intimacy. The sharing of intimate pleasure in a marriage enables couples to bond more deeply as friends."

 

"Sex lowers stress and anxiety by releasing all sorts of good-for-you hormones, and that can help ward off depression, too. Studies show that men and women who have intercourse with their partners have greater satisfaction with their mental health."

 

What's not to like about this picture?

Exactly. . but when there's a road block getting into the bedroom, that needs to be addressed.

It's like going to the gym. There are times it's the furthest thing in the world on your mind at that moment, but you walk out always glad you went.

But even with what you wrote, men need sex to feel intimately bonded. Women need to feel emotionally bonded to want to have sex.

 

I get it, it's a stereotype. but I lived it. It's not right or wrong, just differences.

My ex would wonder why I didn't always just have that teenage urge. . after him being gone, feeling disconnected, being alone with two small children and not 5 minutes for myself.

He even told me something along the line of it being my obligation. Not those exact words, but . .

 

I did start to think something was wrong with me. Until I got divorced and had a relationship with someone who didn't feel he was entitled to it.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Fully agree Reinvent.

 

" but when there's a road block getting into the bedroom, that needs to be addressed."

 

If a couple are quarrelling 24/7, can't stand the sight of each other, regret having married the other person, and of course if one or other of the spouses is ill (mentally or physically).

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I'm like Pippy...someone once asked me how many times a week I wanted sex and I answered "14".

 

My EX husband wanted once a month, even less the last year we were married. We went an entire YEAR without having sex! Notice I refer to him as my EX husband.

 

I am in my mid-50s and am as much a horn dog as I've always been. Sadly I have had zero opportunities in the past few years...and I still think 14 times a week is the perfect number!

 

So...I can't relate to your issue with your wife except to say your experience absolutely does not apply to every single woman on the planet. I don't know how things are in your marriage so I can't say if that's a factor.

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I'm like Pippy...someone once asked me how many times a week I wanted sex and I answered "14".

 

My EX husband wanted once a month, even less the last year we were married. We went an entire YEAR without having sex! Notice I refer to him as my EX husband.

 

I am in my mid-50s and am as much a horn dog as I've always been. Sadly I have had zero opportunities in the past few years...and I still think 14 times a week is the perfect number!

 

So...I can't relate to your issue with your wife except to say your experience absolutely does not apply to every single woman on the planet. I don't know how things are in your marriage so I can't say if that's a factor.

 

Marvellous post ..infact I am going to go for it and say * post of the day * :D

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Marvellous post ..infact I am going to go for it and say * post of the day * :D

 

LOL thank you.

 

I went to the doctor several months ago and for some reason one of the questions on the forms was "are you currently sexually active"? And "If not, is it by choice?" And I wanted to write "why, do you know someone?"

 

LOL

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Absolutely what I'd say Bolt ROFL.

 

"I went to the doctor several months ago and for some reason one of the questions on the forms was "are you currently sexually active"? And "If not, is it by choice?" And I wanted to write "why, do you know someone?""

 

What sort of question is this!

 

"If not, is it by choice"

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