On The Basis of "Sex" and "Marriage"

[pippy longstocking]

LOL thank you.

 

I went to the doctor several months ago and for some reason one of the questions on the forms was "are you currently sexually active"? And "If not, is it by choice?" And I wanted to write "why, do you know someone?"

 

LOL

 

HAHAHAHA yes ...* please go to room 7 to have current situation rectified *

 

[reinventmyself]

Say it again Bolt!

 

"I still think 14 times a week is the perfect number!

"

You're my hero. . .lol

Having had years to revisit all these things and giving it a lot of thought, I have a healthy libido. My partner and I are very evenly matched.

But what is different here is - he meets all my other needs outside of the bedroom. He never feels entitled and he doesn't think twice about it if it doesn't happen.

It's because of all these things combined that gets us into the bedroom. It isn't always about waiting until you have that urge. It's about being motivated to meeting my partners needs because my needs are not only met, but overflowing.

 

I may not have that urge every time, but my desire to be intimate and close to him is always there.

 

In my marriage my needs were not only not met, but denied. He pouted when it didn't happen. He would be in a punishing mood, to not only myself, but our sons the entire following day. Only to turn on the charm full tilt about the time I was done doing the dishes the next evening. And then he'd be gone for a few days to repeat the same thing all over again. Elch. . I don't even like to talk about it. Enough of that.

[pippy longstocking]

I may not have that urge every time, but my desire to be intimate and close to him is always there.

 

^^^ there is the key to it all ....That is love

[boltnrun]

I thought my husband was hot (he was and still is, I presume). His lack of interest in sex with me made me feel like he didn't find me attractive. It hurt. So I get it.

 

But I don't apply his mindset to ALL men. I met plenty of men post-divorce who wanted me. Not currently, of course, but back then I had no shortage of admirers.

[LaHermes]

How awful Reinvent that someone would act like this:

 

"In my marriage my needs were only not met, but denied. He pouted when it didn't happen. He would be in a punishing mood,"

 

An awful disclosure (sshhh) : we mainly just sleep in the bedroom. Lol.

[reinventmyself]

I thought my husband was hot (he was and still is, I presume). His lack of interest in sex with me made me feel like he didn't find me attractive. It hurt. So I get it.

 

But I don't apply his mindset to ALL men. I met plenty of men post-divorce who wanted me. Not currently, of course, but back then I had no shortage of admirers.

Fair enough. No doubt my ex didn't feel desired. I don't like the idea of him having felt that way.

But it's about addressing the bigger picture and getting down to root of problem and understanding each others language and what motivates them.

[reinventmyself]

I was so shut down the end of our marriage. In marriage counseling, one particular session that wasn't going well for him (to be honest most sessions were rough for him. He was often in the hot seat)

 

When he felt cornered he blurted out . . like the trump card he had been holding to use at the right time "We haven't had sex in months!!"

 

He smirked, looking really pleased with himself as if he exposed my dirty secret. The therapist didn't even look at me and instead asking him "What do you think her reason would be for not wanting to have sex with you?"

 

The point here being, my ex didn't think I was entitled to a reason.

[maritalbliss86]

I think a lot of men are in your position and wonder these things. It's interesting to read the diverse and sometimes offended responses.

 

1.

I was always taught (and note, this isn't always true) that the women who do this, who have tons of sex before marriage and then dwindle to nothing afterward, they often used sex as a tool to rope a guy in. Think about it and that makes sense, otherwise, why does it dwindle almost immediately afterward for those women? That's why it's called the, "Old Bait and Switch."

 

Of course there can be other things causing it though. If a husband is abusive or something, of course the sex life will diminish. I'm going out there on a limb and assuming you're not abusive and are a decent person.

 

For us, we held off on being sexual throughout our dating, I know that's incredibly rare now-days... but our sex life has been insane for 13.5 married yrs now.... Instead of dating and focusing on sex, we dated and focused on whether or not we'd be good life partners (asked about how often each other would like sex, child-rearing questions etc.). So instead of a sexual relationship, we had a deep understanding of each other before sex was even introduced.

In 13.5 yrs, we've never really experienced a dry period, just the small timeframe after having a birth, but since I had all c-sections, even that was sometimes only 2 weeks.

 

But there can be things like hormones that like Seraphim said, cause sex to be painful etc. Just something to look into if that's what this is?

 

2.

 

It doesn't have to be this way, and from what I've read of happy couples, it isn't this way at all. Our sex life is definitely not what I'd describe as part of the daily grind.

My husband's work is his daily grind. Me dealing with the kids mostly on my own, plus all the home stuff and all the cooking, sometimes that is my, "daily grind."

But having sex together is romantic and fun and passionate... sex is our time together and definitely not part of the daily grind!

 

3.

 

I think this is different for different couples, but yes, men usually have a higher libido because of higher testosterone. But women who have higher T also can have a higher (natural) libido.

Whoever has the higher libido may come across as a horny teenager lol...

 

And yes, it's better if both the husband and wife can't keep their hands off each other!

It doesn't have to be the man intiating all the time.

And no women, don't always become uninterested.

 

4.

 

Are there woman out there that can handle the daily stressors, kids, home chores etc and still have a pumped up libido? Or does that not exist?

 

I'm having a hard time right now with managing 4 kids all 10 and under, I started a journal to kind of catalog what's happening, and so I can look back a year from now and see if it's gotten better (I'm hoping it will)!

But generally, yes, there are women who can handle the daily stresses and kids and chores and still have a high sex drive. Even when my husband was working 15 hour days back when COVID first happened, as soon as we could, we had sex - and we'd just had a newborn baby!

Sex, in my opinion, helps a wife manage the stress of kids and chores and daily grind annoyances. Honestly for me the romantic part of our marriage holds our life together. Not saying we'd divorce if it wasn't there, definitely not I don't think, but it helps make life happier and more joyful to be deeply in love with someone and having sex almost every night.

It's like a dream come true sometimes. So yes, that is possible. You have to find the right woman for you though.

5. See answer # 4 again.

 

6.

I think sometimes some women really are just too tired... if they don't prioritize sex (or even know their husband needs it that badly) it's a real temptation to just let sleep rule the day, everyday.

Sometimes I may be tired, but we both know each other enough (through great communication) that he knows my body and mind enough that when I actually am tired enough, it won't work, so he doesn't mind at all waiting a day if that's truly the case. But he also knows he won't have to wait that long because he knows how bad I want him/need him... sex is like a strong craving, so he can trust that I won't put him off for like days and days.

Generally, to try to help avoid my body getting way too tired, we try to make sure we're done with all the kid-related duties (including reading together at night with them) by 8pm. This gives us 2 hours to spend alone together, talking or watching a show we both enjoy, and usually having sex! It's NICE... but it doesn't always work out if we don't plan things right and wait too late, or if the baby wakes up RIGHT when we're doing it LOL. But we both make it a priority which means that most days, it happens and we're both incredibly happy people due to that.

 

7.

I think that's different for every woman. Some women still wouldn't want to have sex daily, no matter how much housework help the husband provides. And then if a woman is extremely attracted to her husband, even if he's not able to help hardly with anything, she'll do him everyday if she can (that's us). My husband can't help with much... I even feel guilty he's having to help with our laundry right now, but generally I do everything home related and he helps with the kids in the evening.

 

8.

I think if you wait until you're empty-nesters to fix a sex life, by that time, there may not be any love left.

 

10. Doesn't bother me at all, I take it as a huge compliment that he's not turned off by me having 4 kids. He sees it as I've had his kids and that makes him more attracted to me... ? He's extremely attracted to me still, physically and mentally, so I'm very grateful for it and appreciate it. His craving my body gives me confidence, honestly. If he had zero interest in me, I would be bothered by that a lot more.

[Seraphim]

I will say I had to learn to enjoy it as I was raped so many times as a kid . I have also been with my husband over 30 years so there has been plenty of time for sex. I also lost 4 babies which didn’t warm me to sex either. Then menopause finished it. Plus my husband has been on SSRI’s off and on over 20 years and consistently over 10 years.

[maritalbliss86]

I will say I had to learn to enjoy it as I was raped so many times as a kid . I have also been with my husband over 30 years so there has been plenty of time for sex. I also lost 4 babies which didn’t warm me to sex either. Then menopause finished it. Plus my husband has been on SSRI’s off and on over 20 years and consistently over 10 years.

 

:upset: !!!

 

I think you both have a magical love and if he's happy and you're happy, that's all that matters.

[tattoobunnie]

This meme reminded me of this post[ATTACH=CONFIG]11666[/ATTACH]

 

I love sex with my hubs. But after a full day of work, a ton of chores still not done, and holding my kid for an hour to sleep, there is little mental room for me to just get into it.

 

Like I always say, you want romance, be romantic. There is so much pressure to get something done, the more you can take off my plate, the more dates you actually plan, only helps to get into the mood, and the time to get in the mood

[boltnrun]

I have a different perspective. After a busy day I found sex with my husband to be a great, fun way to end the day. It gave me something to look forward to.

 

My husband was the one who acted like it was a chore. Like I was imposing on him by finding him attractive and wanting to enjoy each other's bodies. It was a big part of why we're no longer married.

[Seraphim]

:upset: !!!

 

I think you both have a magical love and if he's happy and you're happy, that's all that matters.

We adore one another and are just part of each other. We could never think of ourselves without each other.

[waffle]

Simply put, if a woman isn't having sex with you, it's because she doesn't want to. There is no other reason.

 

It isn't because she "lost her libido" or that there's something wrong with her because she can't hold down a job and kids and housework while you come home and relax in front of the TV and then at the end of the evening you assume SHE'S the problem because you're ready to go but those legs ain't parting when you think they should. I bet $10 bucks if she came on this forum she'd have a story for us.

 

Quit assuming she's a problem to be solved and realize that lack of sex isn't the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.

 

I am in my mid-50s and am as much a horn dog as I've always been.

 

I am supposedly at that age where I'm supposed to be having issues (or so I hear) and . . . mind and body are still willing and eager.

 

A little bit of wine doesn't hurt either. Just sayin.

[Batya33]

Simply put, if a woman isn't having sex with you, it's because she doesn't want to. There is no other reason.

 

It isn't because she "lost her libido" or that there's something wrong with her because she can't hold down a job and kids and housework while you come home and relax in front of the TV and then at the end of the evening you assume SHE'S the problem because you're ready to go but those legs ain't parting when you think they should. I bet $10 bucks if she came on this forum she'd have a story for us.

 

Quit assuming she's a problem to be solved and realize that lack of sex isn't the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.

 

 

 

I am supposedly at that age where I'm supposed to be having issues (or so I hear) and . . . mind and body are still willing and eager.

 

A little bit of wine doesn't hurt either. Just sayin.

 

I think the reasons are essential. There's "I want to but because of covid and virtual learning and no cleaning service and extra time shopping I'm exhausted and really need physical and emotional space from everyone" there's "I want to but I feel a migraine coming on' (no, not me, that would be him)" there's "I want to but I need to prioritize this work deadline tonight, how about tomorrow". There's "we want to but because of covid our son keeps coming out of his room at night and we can't do this during the day because he's home then too". If it was because "I'm angry at you/you gained weight, i'm not attracted to you" -that's different. I think the key is that even if you choose not to on a particular night that the other person nevertheless feels desired and wanted. If the reasons are anger/resentment of course the other person will know and feel rejected. Totally different scenario.

[maritalbliss86]

OP, I read some of your other posts... Wow you guys are dealing with A LOT.

 

1. Stepchildren are harder, and it sounds like you may have multiple?

 

2. It sounds like the oldest step-child has many behavior issues and possibly an undiagnosed disorder or two. That would really drain a marriage. I think statistically, most marriages with a special needs child fail (over 80% in some areas). The support system just isn't there in most cases, and the romance can fade away.

 

3. Due to problem #2, your wife may be seriously depressed and feeling hopeless about her oldest son. If nothing has been resolved with that, it's going to make it hard on the marriage and sex life.

 

I'm so sorry! I think there are a lot more issues underneath that would have to be solved first before a sex life can get normalized.

[LaHermes]

You are right MB. Particularly re-reading OP's post early September 2019. It's a very difficult situation.

[maritalbliss86]

I'm also really worried, OP... your daughter is in danger of this boy.

 

He's threatened another girl that he wanted, "to have sex with her until she died." Does inappropriate things to/with animals.

 

The next logical step is acting out on your daughter. I think she's in danger of rape by her step-brother... especially when he gets older and will have increased hormones.

 

I think you need to find him a home that can take care of his needs. He's a bit dangerous from what I've read... and I think the danger will increase if nothing's been done to stop this.

[waffle]

I think the reasons are essential. There's "I want to but because of covid and virtual learning and no cleaning service and extra time shopping I'm exhausted and really need physical and emotional space from everyone" there's "I want to but I feel a migraine coming on' (no, not me, that would be him)" there's "I want to but I need to prioritize this work deadline tonight, how about tomorrow". There's "we want to but because of covid our son keeps coming out of his room at night and we can't do this during the day because he's home then too". If it was because "I'm angry at you/you gained weight, i'm not attracted to you" -that's different. I think the key is that even if you choose not to on a particular night that the other person nevertheless feels desired and wanted. If the reasons are anger/resentment of course the other person will know and feel rejected. Totally different scenario.

 

OK, but I'll tell you this. I have never in my entire life seen a woman who "lost her sex drive" that didn't have it resurrected upon introduction of a new and different man.

[reinventmyself]

OK, but I'll tell you this. I have never in my entire life seen a woman who "lost her sex drive" that didn't have it resurrected upon introduction of a new and different man.

Ding ding. Winner!

[Batya33]

OK, but I'll tell you this. I have never in my entire life seen a woman who "lost her sex drive" that didn't have it resurrected upon introduction of a new and different man.

 

Yes, that's your experience. Has nothing to do with what I wrote. I'm not talking about losing drive -I'm talking about choosing not to have sex and the reasons why. I have a close friend who lost her sex drive. She considers herself asexual. After her divorce, she met someone else through an online site and they dated for seven years It was her second sex partner. She did like sex with him a lot but she ended things after 7 years because she just didn't see any future with him/it was over. That was about 5 years ago -she went on a few first meets, has been sexual with no one and is not interested in being sexual (yes she was with women in her 20s and considered herself bi for awhile). So she's an example of losing one's libido/figuring out that you're actually just not interested.

[waffle]

This needs to be repeated:

I think there are a lot more issues underneath that would have to be solved first before a sex life can get normalized.

And then I read the sentence in the first post that says "now we aren't talking about happiness or the state of marriages or anything too deep" and I'm just stunned. I know we only read here what posters choose to share with us and there are so many other dynamics we can't know about, but on the surface I am absolutely incredulous that the OP could miss what seems to be so obvious.

 

OP, you need to listen to things like "I am done" and "I am emotionally checked out" because those are the death knell to a marriage right there and you seem intent on missing them, or at least dismissing them as insignificant. You need to take that very seriously because trust me the number of husbands who get served divorce papers and swear they never saw it coming is unbelievably high.

 

When I read things like #4 in the list in the first post, I read "where is the wonder-woman who can do it all and then shut up and spread 'em? How come her feelings and her happiness have to be involved?" I'm just shaking my head. Those women do exist, by the way; the women whose primary intent is to provide sex but have no other needs or wants for a relationship, but you have to pay by the hour for that. This isn't even close to being realistic. Furthermore, you seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding the level of sex before marriage and the level of sex after marriage. Your (seeming) anger about that and focus on it is not sexy. Even if you haven't approached her about this, or pressured her about this, I'm certain she can still sense it. And thinking that the solution is to help out around the house occasionally, or take her out for a "date night" and that is somehow an investment in your sex life, this couldn't be less conducive to a good sex life. Women see through that. It's rarely about what you do, it's about who you are. And if you are someone who can only make an effort with the intent of getting lucky, that isn't sexy either.

 

My opinion is this is a woman who is likely contemplating divorce as soon as she can get things lined up, and the OP's chief complaint is he's not getting laid enough. Time to wake up.

[maritalbliss86]

This needs to be repeated:

 

And then I read the sentence in the first post that says "now we aren't talking about happiness or the state of marriages or anything too deep" and I'm just stunned. I know we only read here what posters choose to share with us and there are so many other dynamics we can't know about, but on the surface I am absolutely incredulous that the OP could miss what seems to be so obvious.

 

OP, you need to listen to things like "I am done" and "I am emotionally checked out" because those are the death knell to a marriage right there and you seem intent on missing them, or at least dismissing them as insignificant. You need to take that very seriously because trust me the number of husbands who get served divorce papers and swear they never saw it coming is unbelievably high.

 

When I read things like #4 in the list in the first post, I read "where is the wonder-woman who can do it all and then shut up and spread 'em? How come her feelings and her happiness have to be involved?" I'm just shaking my head. Those women do exist, by the way; the women whose primary intent is to provide sex but have no other needs or wants for a relationship, but you have to pay by the hour for that. This isn't even close to being realistic. Furthermore, you seem to have a chip on your shoulder regarding the level of sex before marriage and the level of sex after marriage. Your (seeming) anger about that and focus on it is not sexy. Even if you haven't approached her about this, or pressured her about this, I'm certain she can still sense it. And thinking that the solution is to help out around the house occasionally, or take her out for a "date night" and that is somehow an investment in your sex life, this couldn't be less conducive to a good sex life. Women see through that. It's rarely about what you do, it's about who you are. And if you are someone who can only make an effort with the intent of getting lucky, that isn't sexy either.

 

My opinion is this is a woman who is likely contemplating divorce as soon as she can get things lined up, and the OP's chief complaint is he's not getting laid enough. Time to wake up.

 

I don't know, I feel so sorry for both of them. One of her sons (his step-son) has serious issues, that seem to get worse the older he's getting... she really may just be depressed due to that alone.

 

OP, I hope everything gets worked out... I wasn't trying to attack you or anything, just thought a lot of these issues (if they're pertaining to your marriage itself) probably have more to do with how hard this specific situation is.

 

Kids ARE hard and do make it more difficult to create a lasting romance and sex life, but there are times where it's a lot harder, and you're in one of those situations (and it's not your fault or really her fault). But she does need to deal with it and make decisions as to how to try to manage parenting him or finding a home where he can have the proper structure or trained workers to help him.

 

Sending thoughts/prayers your way and hope you can find a good solution for all of you.