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Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?


minute_perception

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So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to *name*, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.

When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.

We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

 

I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

 

He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, we’ve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I haven’t really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If I’m being honest, where I’m at right now, I can’t wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I don’t see you taking the action to do so. I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I don’t see things progressing any further if I don’t see you making an effort"

He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess I’m not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that it’s hard. I don’t really want to use that an excuse because it doesn’t justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, it’s hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. I’m really keen on you but obviously, that’s not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

 

Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?

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He's open to talking more this weekend so wait till this weekend to sort things out. It appears (at least via text) that he's communicating with you and trying to be honest with you even though some things are hard to hear. Don't build it up in your mind either. Stay positive. You'll survive without this guy whether it works or not.

 

You were very annoyed just a couple of days ago. I think it's natural to still feel the tension and all those stress hormones affecting your body and mind. Spend time on other areas that need tending - your studies, work, family, friends. Be patient with each other and give this some breathing room. This isn't about him and you right now. From now to the weekend when you discuss things, it's about you and how you manage that frustration and anxiety. Be kind to yourself. This means redirecting your focus and giving yourself some breaks from thinking about the relationship.

 

Five months usually isn't enough time to decide whether someone is worth pursuing or having around for the rest of your life. I'd enjoy each others' company for now and see whether you're compatible. You're still in the getting to know you stages.

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He's open to talking more this weekend so wait till this weekend to sort things out. It appears (at least via text) that he's communicating with you and trying to be honest with you even though some things are hard to hear. Don't build it up in your mind either. Stay positive. You'll survive without this guy whether it works or not.

 

You were very annoyed just a couple of days ago. I think it's natural to still feel the tension and all those stress hormones affecting your body and mind. Spend time on other areas that need tending - your studies, work, family, friends. Be patient with each other and give this some breathing room. This isn't about him and you right now. From now to the weekend when you discuss things, it's about you and how you manage that frustration and anxiety. Be kind to yourself. This means redirecting your focus and giving yourself some breaks from thinking about the relationship.

 

Five months isn't enough time to decide whether someone is worth pursuing or having around for the rest of your life. I'd enjoy each others' company for now and see whether you're compatible. You're still in the getting to know you stages.

 

Your advice has helped tremendously in terms of my anxiety, I cannot thank you enough.

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Your advice has helped tremendously in terms of my anxiety, I cannot thank you enough.

 

It's hard but you'll get the hang of it. I was with someone who had very little time too so learning to put a stop clock or timer on those kinds of thoughts was critical in managing any negative emotions. Trust your gut feelings also. If any situation feels unfulfilling or lacking, don't pursue it or stick around feeling under-appreciated or unhappy. Be more in tune with yourself. I like to think that it always takes two so don't take on more responsibility just because you've got more time than your partner.

 

Either way, you were yourself long before you met this person. Losing him will not make or break you. Hope you can enjoy the rest of the week and the weekend has some answers.

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I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, we’ve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I haven’t really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If I’m being honest, where I’m at right now, I can’t wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I don’t see you taking the action to do so. I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I don’t see things progressing any further if I don’t see you making an effort"

 

 

Honestly, if I received this from a girl I had been dating for 5 months, I would be seriously thinking about letting that girl go. But that's me. He's at med school, deep in study and doing what is needed to get his degree and has a girl demanding more of his time than he has available. Then she drops a thinly veiled ultimatum as a sh*t test?

But then, if I was on your side, and I was not getting what I wanted from the relationship in terms of time spent, then I might be thinking of getting out.

 

So, at 24, why can't you wait any longer?

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You need to step back from this. You're spending way too much time with him and texting too much.

 

He's been quite clear that it's casual dating, nothing serious. With you. 'I'm looking to settle down', doesn't necessarily mean with you.

 

Why bother with relationship talks and chasing a man who is just playing you?

 

Is this the same man?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564673&p=7216709&viewfull=1#post7216709

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IMO based on not only this thread but your other posts he simply sees you as a FWB.

Sure he told his friend (you) that he wants to settle down one day , but that does not mean that is his intention with you.

 

He is happy to converse by text but only when it’s lighthearted and not couply or relationship talk.

Because that’s not what he is with you for.

 

In a previous thread you said when he is cooking dinner , you are bored out of your brains. So what exactly interests you about this guy???

 

He is clearly dominant and uncaring towards you. Talks down to you.

This is someone you want to date further? Again , why?

 

Is there a cultural difference here?!!

I’m guessing he his sowing wild oats before he settles down with someone other than you??!

 

Have the chat with him on the weekend. He possibly realises he has exhausted his time with you?

 

Be prepared to walk away from his BS.

 

You don’t really like him, you just want him to like you.

But that’s not a way of improving self esteem.

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In my opinion he's had plenty of time to figure out how he feels about you. If he has doubts whether it's going to work long-term, obviously he's not 100% sure about you and not head over heels in love with you. I don't think that it's off putting to ask where you stand. You simply asked what your relationship status is and where it's going. If he's made comments like "I want to settle down" before, yet he's dragging his feet with you, I would say that's not a great sign. It shouldn't matter that he's busy or whatever. If he was crazy about you, he'd have time for you. You can try to have a conversation in person and just tell him how you feel about him and ask if he feels the same.

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This is at least the 3rd post about this guy since you've been dating. If I hadn't read one of the past posts, I'd have different advice here since you left out a lot on this one. You didn't follow up on what you replied to a poster's advice on the other thread, and so here you are again, still troubled. With this much ongoing tumult, isn't the message clear to you that you two don't mesh in all of the important ways?

 

Originally Posted by DancingFool

Ummm......dump him? I was cringing reading this and yeah, how do you even find such a clown, let alone put up with that kind of bs for this long? Really need to learn how to drop these kinds faster. If he contacts you again, just respond with some version of it's not working for me/we are done. If he pitches a fit, block and delete immediately. Don't get drawn into any kind of argument or discussion about it. Over means over.

 

Just wanted to clarify - do not explain anything, do not get into any discussions. He already thinks he can manipulate you and that you'll put up with his bs. So he'll likely try to regain control by talking you into seeing him some more. Do not fall for that - that's not caring, that's disdain and more disrespect toward you. It's an "I don't care what you want, I'm going to manipulate you into whatever I want because I matter and you don't."

 

Your reply: Thank you, you have hit the nail on the head. I agree. If he had messed up maybe once, an explanation and a sit down might be valuable but this guy is repeatedly bringing me down. I like your no bs attitude.

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I agree with the others.... he's dangling that he is looking for a commitment like he's the only person looking for that.

 

Most people are looking for that. Its just a matter of who they are going to give it.

 

It has been my experience in relationships, the good ones don't need a lot of "what are we?" If you meet and know one or both of you are actively dating around. You might need to have one convo about being exclusive.

 

other than that, I know if the guy only has eyes for me and we are treating each other a certain way. If that changes, then I am going to do what I need to do... walk away.

 

A mature guy, a serious guy, a professional, accomplished guy knows what he does and says. Its not that complicated.

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Lot's of great advice here.

 

In your shoes, right now? I'd take these days to relax, get centered, and focus on something that Billie brought up. Namely: the question of whether you genuinely like him, and like who you are in his orbit, or whether your most genuine want is for him to like you, want you, all that. There's a difference.

 

If I read this post without looking at the prior ones? Well, maybe I'd have been more prone to see this as two people finding their footing, adjusting to each other's natures and schedules and needs, with the inevitable spikes of friction and insecurity that come with that. But reading the posts that came before? That's where I just have to encourage you to be very honest with yourself about whether this is a human being you genuinely like, like spending time with, and alongside whom you feel yourself growing into an awesome shape, rather than a guy who checks off some boxes on paper while leaving you feeling, emotionally speaking, that you've just been through the paper shredder.

 

Get some answers there before chatting this weekend and I think you'll find that talk productive, even if it's a melancholy one.

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I am scratching my head as to why in the world would you ask him his intentions by typing it into a text message? To me that's to be had in person or maybe in extreme situations by phone. I don't think he's that into you right now. Could that change -yes - but now that you've put all your cards on the table and I assume am having sex with him my guess is he's not going to be motivated to be in that ready state of mind. If he wanted to be with you -or saw potential -and couldn't see you in person after that text even the most extreme overthinker would have wanted you to know 100% that he was ready and excited to be exclusive with potential for forever. It's not about overthinking or not -please don't be his analyst. He's into you as Miss Right Now.

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This man?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564673

 

That thread doesn't make him seem like a guy you'd want to keep seeing, let alone want a long term relationship with. Is he still doing those things?

 

Having just read this thread, I have to agree... enough off putting things in there to make anyone reconsider what they are getting themselves into.

 

Based on that thread and this one, it's as though he enjoys manipulating power in your relationship... that he wants to leave you feeling confused and unsure of where you stand.

 

I also agree with Batya that he doesn't see you as long term commitment material... someone that was afraid of losing someone else wouldn't hesitate to commit themselves to the relationship, even if they were unable to commit the time.

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Again we get another thread to manipulate the advice by leaving out crucial information on the history of this guy so you can hear what you want to hear. You are not doing yourself any favors by doing that and it's not fair to this community that has put time and effort into answering your threads. If you are not satisfied with the advice given that's OK, we have done our best to help. Maybe you could find other advice/perspectives from a friend or family member, that are willing to help you out with this.

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It seems that everytime you try to close the gap between you two, he seems to hold it to his predeterimed safe space.

 

He keeps checking you. For example, him saying you have different expectations for the amount of texting.

 

You are within your rights to want more for your investment at the 5 month mark. Nothing he's actually done helps this gel or take hold. In actuality, he keeps trying to keep it light.

 

No doubt he likes you. But to what to degree is the question. I wouldn't want someone who only steps up when I've gotten to the point ,where based on all the information given that there really isn't anything here for me. I am done and he suddenly now wants to discuss it? I don't want someone under duress.

I might hear him out, but what matter here is not his words. His actions screams he's not as invested.

 

You should be matched with someone who shares the same enthusiasm you do.

Most people will say they want a long term relationship. If he hadn't, you probably wouldn't have gotten past the first date.

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Give him a chance to explain himself this weekend when he sees you. Then go from there.

 

My thoughts in general are:

 

When my husband was enrolled in grad school and beyond, I backed off, didn't get dramatic about any issues and supported him so he could remain focused on college and career. I was never a drag nor a nag. My sons and I stayed out of his way so he could accomplish his mission and goals.

 

I did everything so he could concentrate on his visions for our future. I made his life easier by picking up the slack for him always. My husband had zero distractions. His success was my success.

 

In relationships, you have to make sacrifices if you want him to succeed and it can be the other way around for wives and girlfriends, too. Often times, the sacrifice is less time and attention on you as there are only so many hours in a day. No pain, no gain.

 

We had more time for each other and our family life post graduation day. :smug:

 

Your boyfriend has a lot on his plate as a med student. Cut him some slack. Don't demand nor expect him to engage in relentless texting or electronic communication. He's very busy! :eek: Put yourself in his shoes. He's burning the candle at both ends.

 

Give both of you more time to determine whether or not either one of you are marriage material. If you're having compatibility problems this early on and have to constantly question if you're "thee one," something's already wrong with this picture. :eek:

 

Nonetheless, wait until this weekend and have a long in person discussion with him. Turn your phones OFF, make sure there are zero distractions, no noise, etc. Have an in depth discussion with him, ask him questions and allow him to speak to you. Be a great listener, too. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

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Give him a chance to explain himself this weekend when he sees you. Then go from there.

 

My thoughts in general are:

 

When my husband was enrolled in grad school and beyond, I backed off, didn't get dramatic about any issues and supported him so he could remain focused on college and career. I was never a drag nor a nag. My sons and I stayed out of his way so he could accomplish his mission and goals.

 

I did everything so he could concentrate on his visions for our future. I made his life easier by picking up the slack for him always. My husband had zero distractions. His success was my success.

 

In relationships, you have to make sacrifices if you want him to succeed and it can be the other way around for wives and girlfriends, too. Often times, the sacrifice is less time and attention on you as there are only so many hours in a day. No pain, no gain.

 

We had more time for each other and our family life post graduation day. :smug:

 

Your boyfriend has a lot on his plate as a med student. Cut him some slack. Don't demand nor expect him to engage in relentless texting or electronic communication. He's very busy! :eek: Put yourself in his shoes. He's burning the candle at both ends.

 

Give both of you more time to determine whether or not either one of you are marriage material. If you're having compatibility problems this early on and have to constantly question if you're "thee one," something's already wrong with this picture. :eek:

 

Nonetheless, wait until this weekend and have a long in person discussion with him. Turn your phones OFF, make sure there are zero distractions, no noise, etc. Have an in depth discussion with him, ask him questions and allow him to speak to you. Be a great listener, too. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

 

I would do exactly what you did -and indeed did the same for my husband, still do - BUT that's because he married me, that's because before he married me we were engaged and before that exclusively dating, in love and committed to a future together. I would not do what you did (or what I did) for a person who wasn't committed to me in some way. This person is not committed to the OP - so why should she make these sacrifices? Certainly if he said "look, things are crazy now with school/my career - can we please table any discussion about committment till [date] so that my head is clear and I can be focused?" At least then she'd be reassured he was taking this very seriously. That's not what's happening here.

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I would do exactly what you did -and indeed did the same for my husband, still do - BUT that's because he married me, that's because before he married me we were engaged and before that exclusively dating, in love and committed to a future together. I would not do what you did (or what I did) for a person who wasn't committed to me in some way. This person is not committed to the OP - so why should she make these sacrifices? Certainly if he said "look, things are crazy now with school/my career - can we please table any discussion about committment till [date] so that my head is clear and I can be focused?" At least then she'd be reassured he was taking this very seriously. That's not what's happening here.

 

That's why I suggested to the OP that she wait until this weekend so she can have an in depth, in person conversation with him.

 

Some couples have a commitment despite not being married. Sometimes commitment happens later, however, it's always a risk or a gamble should the relationship fail during the non-legal commitment phase.

 

OP, have your thorough conversation with him in person this weekend and take it from there.

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Thanks everyone. I didn't respond last night to his last messages and he sent me a follow up message saying "have I upset you?" and he went onto say that lets talk about it in person, that he's sorry I feel this way. That he's a cautious person which can't change. Then went onto say that to some extent he thinks I have the wrong impression. Apologised for coming off cagey to me as well.

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Give him a chance to explain himself this weekend when he sees you. Then go from there.

 

My thoughts in general are:

 

When my husband was enrolled in grad school and beyond, I backed off, didn't get dramatic about any issues and supported him so he could remain focused on college and career. I was never a drag nor a nag. My sons and I stayed out of his way so he could accomplish his mission and goals.

 

I did everything so he could concentrate on his visions for our future. I made his life easier by picking up the slack for him always. My husband had zero distractions. His success was my success.

 

In relationships, you have to make sacrifices if you want him to succeed and it can be the other way around for wives and girlfriends, too. Often times, the sacrifice is less time and attention on you as there are only so many hours in a day. No pain, no gain.

 

We had more time for each other and our family life post graduation day. :smug:

 

Your boyfriend has a lot on his plate as a med student. Cut him some slack. Don't demand nor expect him to engage in relentless texting or electronic communication. He's very busy! :eek: Put yourself in his shoes. He's burning the candle at both ends.

 

Give both of you more time to determine whether or not either one of you are marriage material. If you're having compatibility problems this early on and have to constantly question if you're "thee one," something's already wrong with this picture. :eek:

 

Nonetheless, wait until this weekend and have a long in person discussion with him. Turn your phones OFF, make sure there are zero distractions, no noise, etc. Have an in depth discussion with him, ask him questions and allow him to speak to you. Be a great listener, too. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

 

Many thanks, really appreciate your advice!

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So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to *name*, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.

When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.

We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

 

I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

 

He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, we’ve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I haven’t really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If I’m being honest, where I’m at right now, I can’t wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I don’t see you taking the action to do so. I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I don’t see things progressing any further if I don’t see you making an effort"

He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess I’m not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that it’s hard. I don’t really want to use that an excuse because it doesn’t justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, it’s hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. I’m really keen on you but obviously, that’s not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

 

Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?

He's older and can toy with your emotions but overall I think he's a good experience to have. I would find a new crush to hang out with when he's unavailable. But definitely hear him out this weekend and see how it goes

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Thanks everyone. I didn't respond last night to his last messages and he sent me a follow up message saying "have I upset you?" and he went onto say that lets talk about it in person, that he's sorry I feel this way. That he's a cautious person which can't change. Then went onto say that to some extent he thinks I have the wrong impression. Apologised for coming off cagey to me as well.

 

I would never ever again have this kind of convo over text. Cautious is fine - many of us are many are overly so. But that's why it's often called "taking the plunge" - and people who are really cautious take the plunge because the risks -of losing their forever person -would be too great to bear.

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