minute_perception Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 We have agreed to meet up this weekend which is good. He told me he's run down and is quite sick, I feel a bit bad to say the least! Hopefully, all goes well and we clear the air. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 What about all the previous issues? Are those now all resolved? I notice you didn't respond to anyone who asked about your previous threads. Link to comment
minute_perception Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 What about all the previous issues? Are those now all resolved? I notice you didn't respond to anyone who asked about your previous threads. Sorry, yes he's definitely apologised for those previous insults and has stopped them now. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 My take -when it comes to what your intentions are about a romantic partner there's no need to clear air. It's supremely simple and requires few words when both are on the same page. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Many thanks, really appreciate your advice! Thank you for your kind words. This weekend is almost here so wait until then to have your in person conversation with him. Another thing that I want to mention is beware of electronic correspondence in this Information Age. With texting, a lot can be misunderstood, misconstrued or perceived as abrupt or blunt because it's far different than an in person conversation. With in person conversations, there are facial expressions, two people taking turns hearing each other out, responding, explaining, expressing how they feel and when two mature adults have a discussion, issues can be resolved peacefully. It's not always so via text, messages, emails and voice mails. Phone conversations are second best to in person dialogues. Keep that in mind. Just an FYI: When my husband was immersed in graduate work, the kids and I stayed out of his way. I am the one who chased after him with a coat so he wouldn't freeze to death. I am the one who prepared so many home cooked meals for him so he could eat on-the-go. I took care of all errands, cooking, cleaning, child rearing and chores during those grad school years. I knew better than to demand his time and attention when he was so busy holding down a full time job and enrolled in grad school at night. I remained out of his way and supported him immensely. He was off to the library every weekend. Looking back, those were difficult years. Graduation day was never sweeter. We reap what we sow. Fruition, time and family time arrived post-graduation day. Good things happen to those who toil and wait. No pain, no gain. These are the sacrifices I made as his wife and the mother of his children. Some girlfriends or boyfriends do the same. I was supportive and in the end, his success and victories crossing that finish line were my achievements, too. It's not easy being the girlfriend or wife of a man who is so driven. You either accept and support him or dissolve and exit the relationship. Also, if his character is not good, it's time to bail. Success means nothing if you choose the wrong person to be with. Think about that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 I only dated driven men. I married one. I am and was driven too especially back then, and especially about my career. I believe in being supportive in the context of a committed, loving relationship whether it is a marriage commitment or otherwise -if otherwise then only if both are on the same page about that -meaning they prefer not to be married, they prefer to wait for marriage, whatever works for that couple as long as they're on the same page. You want more from him than he wants to give you right now. Not because of his career. Because of his heart. I only dated driven men. When they wanted a commitment with me they let me know it plain and simple. He may want a commitment from you in the future. I would be surprised if "clearing the air" results in him saying to you "I want to be with you, I see strong potential for the future" or anything like that. I think you'll get a bunch of excuses. If he wants you to wait a specific period of time because he has huge exams or deadlines coming up in the very near future, sure, of course. I'll tell you a story from a friend of mine. She met a man online through a dating site. They dated a very short period of time when her mom tragically passed away from cancer. Of course she told him, of course she told him about the funeral and visitation arrangements. As was her tradition they had a one week period where they received guests. He'd met none of her family or friends. She of course was in no condition to be with him one on one, to have real time with him during this time. He showed up every single day to the visitation period. He sat quietly and made conversation with the people around him. Even though she couldn't pay attention to him, even though he knew no one. They've been married about 15 years. I remember her telling me that was an early on turning point for her -seeing him show up like that. In that situation. There are times we show up, we're patient, we wait, we invest in the future even though the future is uncertain. But please balance that against what he is showing and telling you - so far nothing that shows true enthusiasm and delight in the prospect of a potential future with you. In my friend's case it was early days - not five months- and it was an extreme situation. Your boyfriend will always be driven and right now even if you waited patiently he is not driven to be with you. That can change but I'd be careful in your case about waiting around much longer. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Nice post, Batya. The impression I get, just being frank, is that this guy is doing his best to get you to be the "cool" young woman he believes would compliment this stage of his life, someone who wouldn't want quite as much, or quite as quickly, as someone his age. You, on the other hand, are trying your best to get him to be the the "serious" older guy you believe would compliment this stage in your life, someone more "ready" for the sort of thing that dudes your age are still skittish about. Trouble is that reality is killing the buzz of both your fantasies, with the hangover surfacing in the form of pushy texts from you, gestures of understanding from him: little chess moves on both your parts to restore the fantasy. Hard air to clear—in person, in pixels—because to actually clear it means you each get deprived of the air you're presently breathing. The business of connecting to someone only has to be as hard as you choose to make it. Keep that in mind as you explore this. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Agree, this seems more like an 'enjoy it while it lasts' type of situation than something warranting a lot of future or relationship talks. You will probably tire of him. Link to comment
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