Secret relationship?

[FraniMar22]

Thank you all so much. I always know where to go when I need a swift kick into reality.

[Hollyj]

What are you going to do?

[bluecastle]

Along the lines with what others are saying: it’s worth exploring the instinct to make your whole life about someone who is not doing the same in return. Is there a sense, perhaps subconscious, that if your pour all of yourself into the cup you can compensate for the hesitancy of another? That the path toward creating a life together is to give yours fully over, first, in the hopes that the other one comes around?

 

The trouble with this is that the connection rarely feels genuine, built by two, but instead more transactional, aspirational, imbalanced. You have a feeling you crave in the abstract (being loved) and a person who represents the potential for that feeling (the vessel), and so you start mining it out of that person—and, in the process, train yourself to think this is what “love” feels like. Extraction. Heavy lifting. Blood from a stone. You’re left thinking that none of it would exist—or that all you really have is the abstraction—if you stopped mining for it.

 

Love and affection are not things we should feel we need to “lose ourselves” to gain from others. If that’s the price of admission, the show isn’t even worth sitting through. The seats are uncomfortable, the picture blurry, the sound quality grating. For both parties involved, with the one doing the “losing” generally getting the shorter end of the stick because he or she is emptying everything in hopes of being full. The other will naturally resist, in part because he or she wants to feel like more than a vessel to fulfill another’s wishes.

 

What I suspect is the really hard thing about the dynamic you’re in right now is that, deep down, you both doubt the authenticity of the other. No one wants to say that out loud, because to say it out loud shines a big, bright light on the sharp edges inside you both that make the connection possible. But in the long run, I think, you’ll be better served, and will feel better, my acknowledging what is really there between you (and what isn’t) rather than continuously fighting that and looking for ways (a tag, a post) that keeps you both in the dark a little longer.

 

You are worth more than what you’re getting here. The social media stuff is a proxy for that—your spirit calling out to you and asking you, not him, for a little more love than you’ve been giving yourself.

[SherrySher]

Simply put..ask yourself if you want better and if you think you deserve better? Are you strong enough to walk away? Or do you want to continue being the hidden secret and with a partner who would rather hide you when it suits him?

 

Your future doesn't have to be more of the same. But in order for it to be different, it needs to be a different man. You might have to reassess what you allow into your life and how you allow yourself to be treated. Maybe you don't think you deserve better? Or maybe you're too scared to leave him because you think you can't get better.

 

But truth be told, no one would be happy being pushed back and hidden. How could anyone feel loved when that's going on?

[smackie9]

Date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...he has disrespected you in so many ways, why would you put up with that?....when I read the first sentence of your post I thought, "He wouldn't be my man."

[Rose Mosse]

You came on a little strong with the fb thing but he didn't react well to it or agree with you in the way you both use it. I don't think you're comfortable with each other and you put him on edge. This isn't the guy for you and I don't think you both bring out the good in each other. Why hang around someone like this who brings you down? What a waste of time and effort?

[Cherylyn]

Make a pact for both of you to take a break from FB. Keep social media out of your relationship and stop checking up on each other.

 

Focus on your relationship w/o 24 / 7 FB attention which is very mentally unhealthy. So what if he doesn't want to blast that you're in a relationship with him? Perhaps he wishes to keep his private life private.

 

Keep in mind, some people who are not white are reluctant to tell the world about their interracial relationship. They fear judgment and racial discrimination from their family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.

 

However, the part that would bother me is his constant "likes" for single women's pictures on FB. I would be hurt, too. He should have integrity and show respect for you. It is indeed disrespectful to have a roving eye. You need to talk to him about this and tell him how you feel.

 

Back in the day when I was dating my husband, we didn't have FB and our relationship flourished. Try having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship the old-fashioned way such as before the Internet. I think you will grow to actually enjoy and appreciate it! It's truly less complicated.

[Hollyj]

Make a pact for both of you to take a break from FB. Keep social media out of your relationship and stop checking up on each other.

 

Focus on your relationship w/o 24 / 7 FB attention which is very mentally unhealthy. So what if he doesn't want to blast that you're in a relationship with him? Perhaps he wishes to keep his private life private.

 

Keep in mind, some people who are not white are reluctant to tell the world about their interracial relationship. They fear judgment and racial discrimination from their family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.

 

However, the part that would bother me is his constant "likes" for single women's pictures on FB. I would be hurt, too. He should have integrity and show respect for you. It is indeed disrespectful to have a roving eye. You need to talk to him about this and tell him how you feel.

 

Back in the day when I was dating my husband, we didn't have FB and our relationship flourished. Try having a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship the old-fashioned way such as before the Internet. I think you will grow to actually enjoy and appreciate it! It's truly less complicated.

He is also on a dating after two years. And, his reaction to her concern was to get upset and stop talking to her for some time. This is very manipulative. She has only had 3 interactions with family in two years. This goes way beyond FB if you read her other posts. He has no intention of bring her into his life, or he would have done so long ago.

[Cherylyn]

He is also on a dating after two years. And, his reaction to her concern was to get upset and stop talking to her for some time. This is very manipulative. She has only had 3 interactions with family in two years. This goes way beyond FB if you read her other posts. He has no intention of bring her into his life, or he would have done so long ago.

 

Then it's time to end the relationship.

[SarahJay]

Dump him. He is not being true to your feelings. It's more than Facebook. You are being hidden. I'd remove him as a friend on facebook and see how he feels about THAT. ;)

[bluecastle]

I'd remove him as a friend on facebook and see how he feels about THAT. ;)

 

I would only do this if you're genuinely ready to remove him from your life. Otherwise it's just playing more games with FB and, in the process, exacerbating the symptoms instead of looking for the cure.

[SherrySher]

Yes, remove him from your life. Life is too short for nonsense and game players and people who like to pretend to care but don't.

 

You're wasting your life, Frani, hoping and praying he will turn into the man of your dreams and start treating you like you want him to.

 

It's never going to happen. You will get bits and pieces of niceness. (enough to keep you around) and he will go right back to his bs and making excuses as to why he doesn't want to be proper to you.

 

Men like him don't even deserve a girlfriend.

[catfeeder]

I've also realized something. When we are out, especially in his neck of the woods, he will walk way ahead of me, won't hold my hand, sometimes doesn't introduce me when we run into someone he knows. I have a bad feeling about all this and wanted to get some input.

 

This would be enough for me. Equality and honesty are important to me, and someone who'd treat me this way would be history.

[Starlight925]

I don't think this is just you being insecure, but then again, I'm biased based on my last relationship, which was almost exactly the same, including finding him still on dating sites. You can scroll through my prior threads, but I'll save you the trouble: this is who he is. Lots of exes on Facebook, the whole thing.

 

It isn't just stupid "social media"; it's his tool that he knows will hurt you. He knows this bothers you, so he continues. Not "but" he continues, but "so" he continues. He does this because he knows you don't like it, not in spite of that fact. Does that make sense? He keeps up with the exes, the dating sites (yes, he's probably still on some, just with different user names), and keeps you out of site because he knows it'll get a rise out of you, plus it keeps him open to others.

 

The fact that you've noticed prior relationships, with pictures still, is also telling: he wants you to see those, to be bothered by them. It keeps his ego fed.

 

Social media is, for him, a big ego shovel, and you are digging up all the dirt and feeding it straight to him.

 

Now on to you: yes, you need some therapy. I'm not saying that lightly, I'm saying please, go get some help for yourself to discover why you're allowing this. My guess is, there is some family of origin stuff deep down there for you. It took me about a year after the breakup of different therapists, millions of internet searches, books, and even a therapy weekend retreat before I finally got my aha! Keep on searching until you find yours.

 

This would be enough for me. Equality and honesty are important to me, and someone who'd treat me this way would be history.

 

I actually quoted myself just so I can add to my post, vis a vis Catfeeder's post, which is something I missed earlier: That he walks ahead of you. In addition to all the stuff from my last relationship that relates to your current one, mine too, always walked ahead of me, and it drove me mad.

 

As many times as I'd ask him to slow down, it was like he was on this race to see something, someone, better. I walk really fast, too fast for many people, yet with his longer legs and fast pace, I struggled to keep up. I'd ask, and I'd even stop sometimes while he was walking fast, just to see how long it would take him to notice....sometimes, a whole block.

 

I realized what this was for him: it was his way to not have to be alone in public, because he had this girl...me....as his "not alone" safety net, while still being able to look around, see who's there, what could, or might, be better than what was going on for him at that second.

[DancingFool]

This isn't a relationship, it's a battle of wills. OP's ego depends on making him be who she wants him to be so much so, that she is completely blind to how much bs, lies, cheating, and abuse she is tolerating in order to "win".....except that there is no winning in this game. It's a game rigged to where she will always lose - years of her life, tolerating abuse, humiliation, being kept a secret, etc, etc, etc. I wish there was a way to wake her up and make her see reality for what it is.

 

People aren't fixer upper projects. You can't make adults do what you want. If you want an actual healthy, loving relationship, you actually need to be healthy yourself first, and be willing to find a man who is healthy and wants what you want. Two people holding hands walking in the same direction. What you, OP, are constantly, and I mean your entire life, are engaging in is dragging in opposite directions, a tug of war. There comes a point where you need to sit down with yourself and figure out what about this tug of war that attracts you, because it clearly does. You can have any man you want, you are CHOOSING those who are cheaters, liars, abusers. Btw, cheating is a form of abuse and a man who keeps you a secret is cheating. There is literally no other reason to keep you hidden. What is it about this drama that you confuse with love? What attracts you and keeps you hooked? You need to sort out and fix yourself before it's too late. You aren't a victim, you are choosing this shaite show for yourself over and over.every.single.day.

[goddess]

Are we reading the same responses? He is on a dating site, flirting with other girls, keeps you on the periphery of his life, and is keeping you a secret. Where do you not see him "hiding something?" There is no future with this guy! Stop making excuses.

 

Dump him and get some counseling.

 

I totally agree with Holly. For crying out loud, don't put up with this nonsense, OP! You are being his doormat. Stop this destructive behaviour, now. You cannot tell me that you don't see the red flags all around you. He is so disrespectful. Muster up some self-respect and dump his sorry $ss. You are causing yourself unnecessary stress. Don't do that to yourself, please.