I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

[boltnrun]

Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

 

He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.

 

And how do you react when he pulls these childish tactics? Do you refuse to participate? Or do you indulge him?

 

Again, your longing for his return leads me to believe you find all this drama exciting.

[sosolaila89]

It takes two for a dynamic like this to exist, and to fuel a connection spanning 7 years. When he asks you to beg how do you respond? How do you feel? Does that register as him caring about you, loving you? Do you "get off" when he reaches for these tactics?

 

When he asks me to beg, I respond by telling him that neither of us should beg for each other's attention. That we should communicate what's wrong. Although he agrees with me at that moment, he doesn't follow through and continues to do things like this. I do not get off on it. It actually hurts. It doesn't register as love or care but knowing how his mother is and what she taught him, to him, this is love.

[katrina1980]

Honestly, I haven’t complained or done anything to him in a few years. I completely changed. This was the only time in a while that I flipped.

 

He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.

 

You do know this is a form of manipulation don't you? That's very hurtful to you.

 

The "silent treatment" is also a form of emotional abuse (Google it), also extremely hurtful.

 

How is this him loving you, caring about you?

 

I'd be interested in hearing the story you are telling yourself, that makes such cruel behaviour and treatment of you okay in your world, such that you literally chase him down and at times beg for him to come back.

[sosolaila89]

And how do you react when he pulls these childish tactics? Do you refuse to participate? Or do you indulge him?

 

Again, your longing for his return leads me to believe you find all this drama exciting.

 

Sometimes I do chase him and beg for him to speak to me. Other times, I let him be and wait on him to come back. It doesn't necessarily have to be because I did something wrong, he will pull this on me for fun just to see how I'd react.

 

Drama is not exciting for me. However, I can see why you'd think that. My boyfriend plays these games because of his past. This is the only kind of love he knows. His biological mother was in and out of his life and his grandma (who was first to adopt him after being given up @ birth), played these same games on him.

 

Abandonment is a real issue for him and I truly believe that is the reason he "abandons" me anytime something doesn't go his way or if there was an argument between us. I'm longing for his return because I understand what he's gone through. I understand why he is the way that he is today. There's a lot more to our story that'd take me quite a while to type out. We're both good people who have just gone through a lot in life.

[bluecastle]

You seem very concerned about his psychology—the intricacies of it, catering to it, and, yes, making excuses for it. Like your post above responding to me? What it translates to, to me, is something like: "I don't like the way he treats me—in fact, it hurts me—but I understand this is how he was raised and so he can't help it."

 

But what about you? Does understanding "what he's gone through" bring you joy? Does being with him bring out the best version of yourself?

 

In your shoes, if I sent the off-the-rails text message you sent I'd have no choice but to look in the mirror and ask myself who I was becoming inside this relationship. That would be my main concern, not whether or not he'll come back. I mean, I wouldn't send something like that if I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me—and, yes, I'm speaking from experience. I don't want to be that person, so emotionally strung out by a relationship that I blow my top. Things that turn me into a crazy version of myself, be it a friend, a partner, or a job, are things I get out of.

 

But that's just me. You're you.

 

Bottom line here is: You're in a relationship with someone who hurts you, says he won't do the thing that hurts you, then does it again. And again. And again. For years. Sounds like it all built up a bit and you blew your top—a top you're generally decent at keeping locked in, so he can be the one who blows his top. That's the man you want to come back? He'll be back, I'm sure. This is "what he does," as you've said. This is what you understand. This is, ultimately, how you guys "work."

[sosolaila89]

You do know this is a form of manipulation don't you? That's very hurtful to you.

 

The "silent treatment" is also a form of emotional abuse (Google it), also extremely hurtful.

 

How is this him loving you, caring about you?

 

I'd be interested in hearing the story you are telling yourself, that makes such cruel behaviour and treatment of you okay in your world, such that you literally chase him down and at times beg for him to come back.

 

Yes, it is emotional abuse/manipulation. He comes from a family filled with emotional/mental abusers who manipulate him on a daily basis. This is all he knows. In his eyes, this is love. It's not a story I tell myself, it's his reality and who am I to judge him on what he's been through or how he deals with it today. It's much deeper than what you see here. I wish I can go in depth but his story isn't mine to tell.

 

All I can say is, he's broken. Crushed into pieces and has no idea how beautiful life really is because he was never given a beautiful life. Nothing even remotely close to it. So, yes, his relationships will not be beautiful either. He's a child trapped in a 38 year old's body. No one will ever understand him the way that I do and they don't have to. We all have a story to tell, and we all deal with our pain differently. This doesn't mean that anyone has the right to decide whether someone is capable of love or not just because they aren't familiar with his kind of love.

[boltnrun]

So it's business as usual for the two of you.

 

Do you usually get this upset? If you know he'll be back and that you will continue to allow him to get away with treating you like this...why even get upset at all?

 

I would think you would be used to it after 7 years. I presume you will beg him back again, he'll come back, then the next cycle will begin.

 

Not my cup of tea, but people generally don't stay in situations unless they're getting something out of it.

[IAmFCA]

Just to clarify: Each of you is homo sapien, right? No demi gods or gods in this relationship, right?

 

OK, with that clarified, I can say something with certainty: Each of you will be wrong. Many many times. So what?

 

If silent treatment is a vindictive behavior you choose to learn to tolerate, then your best road to sanity is to accept that sometimes you disagree, sometimes you are wrong,sometimes your partner is wrong and sometimes you need to refocus your energy when your spouse withdraws. Whatever. That's how it is. Accept your wrongs with You're right, I do care; made a mistake. And shrug, move on to whatever else you want to focus on, on your own.

[Batya33]

Yes. I get the sense - and tagging on to blue castles comment that you two have and both contribute to an unhealthy dynamic. You hurt him. I’d be hurt too if I were him and it’s nothing to do with a mental illness or disorder. It’s plain hurtful. This kind of push pull masquerades as love or passion. It’s not. Id step up the cardio exercise despite the sometimes it works comment you made and try Weil method of 478 breathing. Until you can seek professional counseling. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered that dating someone with severe mental illness is just not right for you? If inconsistent behavior makes you this anxious you may want to reconsider things.

I’m hoping that he will come back. He does all the time but I can’t help but to think that everytime he does this, it’s over for good. Only to find him calling me acting as if nothing happened.

[MissCanuck]

This man emotionally abuses you, OP. His dysfunctional home life is not an excuse and you need to stop using it as a reason to tolerate the abuse. You are not doing anything but enabling it when you excuse it away and label him as "broken" and "crushed."

 

My own partner comes from a terribly abusive family. He never knew "love" in a healthy sense, either. But, he has also never showed me anything but kindness and respect. He had an incredibly difficult childhood and it extended into his adult years. Even today, in his 50s, his father tries to create chaos in his life and the man is a senior citizen now. However, my partner made a choice to not repeat the same abusive tendencies he learned growing up. It can be overcome, with consistent effort. And no, he has never had therapy. This was his own doing.

 

I do recognize that people respond to abuse in different ways. He does so in a way that continues the cycle, and you rationalize it. You are both part of this dysfunction. His mental illnesses are compounding the issue, without a doubt. Your own issues are, too. I strongly get the sense that you feel you can and should rescue him, and that somehow validates your role in his life. You essentially confirmed that with this: "No one will ever understand him the way that I do and they don't have to" You tell yourself this because it gives you a reason to stay and makes you feel like he will have a reason to come back to you. Apparently, though, you don't actually understand him that well either or you wouldn't be flinging baseless accusations at him and panicking when he doesn't immediately respond. If you understood him as well you like you believe, you'd have been able to predict the consequence of your actions here. But you didn't. Time to drop the false narrative, girl. It creates an awfully unhealthy dynamic and you are not qualified to give him the help he needs. Is he receiving treatment for his mental illnesses?

 

My guess is you came here for advice apart from "leave him" because this is precisely the advice your friends and family give you. I don't agree that your friend should stir the pot, nor that you should listen to her musings about him cheating, but I have to wonder if she simply wants you to get away from this guy for good. I imagine he is not well-liked by the people in your life, correct?

[Cherylyn]

Why can't you let sleeping dogs lie? Why did you act against your better judgment by listening to your friend and accuse your boyfriend of cheating? Why create drama when there wasn't any? I think you royally messed up on this one.

 

I'm not surprised he gave you the silent treatment. I would've done the same! You need to exercise self control as opposed to believing your friend and jumping to conclusions. I don't blame him in the least for NOT texting, "Good morning beautiful. I love you, hope you have a great day at work, my gorgeous queen." Of course, he's giving you the silent treatment. He told you that if you infuriated him, he'll ignore you so listen to him. He's actually behaving like a gentleman by giving you the silent treatment as opposed to letting you have it with harsh, nasty, ugly words. He's taking the higher road and being the bigger person by ignoring you. Think about that. He's not stooping as low as you did.

 

You owe your boyfriend a very humble, sincere apology. Tell him that you were influenced and convinced by your friend and in hindsight, you should've known better than to second guess his loyalty to you and his integrity. Don't be surprised if your birthday and 4th of July are ruined. You pounded the nail in the coffin on that one.

 

For your sake and for the sake of your relationship, I hope you'll sincerely admit fault, tell him you're sorry, patch things up and make amends. Do the right thing. Swallow your pride and tell him you're sincerely sorry. After that, no more drama. Try to be nice! If he treats you with respect, then you treat him with respect.

[Gary Snyder]

About the begging - the only regret I have about my ex is I never got to hear her sing or beg!!

 

 

Seriously, a lot of people consider someone with mental issues not a catch.

 

You need some help to hold this thing together. I recommend counseling.

[Wiseman2]

You are dealing with someone who has severe mental illness with psychotic features. Who had gone off his meds and may be in a full blown manic/psychotic episode for all you know. Not only does he have severe and difficult to treat mental illness, he is non-compliant with medication. As far as your family/friends, they have probably warned you repeatedly about him because it sounds like he has been unstable all along. He needs a psychiatrist, not a relationship. As long as you are with him, you won't have peace happiness love or stability in your life. Just manifestations of his untreated symptoms. You will then run to family and friends again and they will again warn you about how untenable the situation is.

When he’s on meds......

[sosolaila89]

My question is, how do I break the silent treatment and should I reach out or wait on him to? That was my only question.

 

Yes, I am staying with him and willing to deal with this. That’s only a decision I can make. However, I do appreciate all of your opinions.

[boltnrun]

I'm thinking no one would be willing to advise you on how to continue this unhealthy dynamic.

 

All I can say is, he's always come back before. As you yourself said, no one else is willing to put up with his treatment. I'm sure he knows this.

[sophie274]

I don’t have any advice on the relationship, but are you sure he’s ok? Do you know that he’s still talking to others and going to work etc? When I heard unmedicated schizophrenic boyfriend who has disappeared in a way he never has before, it really made me worry for his safety.

[sosolaila89]

I don’t have any advice on the relationship, but are you sure he’s ok? Do you know that he’s still talking to others and going to work etc? When I heard unmedicated schizophrenic boyfriend who has disappeared in a way he never has before, it really made me worry for his safety.

 

Thank you for your concern. Yes, he’s okay. He just likes to use the silent treatment. He’s done it before.

[Starlight925]

My question is, how do I break the silent treatment and should I reach out or wait on him to? That was my only question.

 

Yes, I am staying with him and willing to deal with this. That’s only a decision I can make. However, I do appreciate all of your opinions.

 

But everyone has given you answers to your question, 5 pages worth.

 

You're not reading the great answers everyone has given. (Interesting note, it auto-corrected the word "answers" to "sewers", and I almost didn't change it because it's so apropos).

 

The answer to your question: How do you break the silent treatment? You break the relationship.

 

Or, you come back here when you are 39, and 49, and 59, and 89, and keep asking the same question, as this is WHO. HE. IS.

 

You either accept that he's a man with great psychiatric issues who gives silent treatments as punishments, or you choose to walk away.

[sosolaila89]

But everyone has given you answers to your question, 5 pages worth.

 

You're not reading the great answers everyone has given. (Interesting note, it auto-corrected the word "answers" to "sewers", and I almost didn't change it because it's so apropos).

 

The answer to your question: How do you break the silent treatment? You break the relationship.

 

Or, you come back here when you are 39, and 49, and 59, and 89, and keep asking the same question, as this is WHO. HE. IS.

 

You either accept that he's a man with great psychiatric issues who gives silent treatments as punishments, or you choose to walk away.

 

I will choose the second option. Come back here when I'm 39, 49, 59, and 89 asking the same question. I accept his mental illness. Yes, it's hard to deal with someone with a mental health issue, especially unmedicated. Is it a reason to give up on him? No. This is what I'll have to put up with for the rest of my life if I choose to stay. Hopefully he decides to consistently take his medication and seek proper treatment to manage his issues. Until then, I'm here every step of the way. Thank you for your advice.

[bluecastle]

Answering your question: waiting for him or texting him (once, twice, a hundred times until he responds) are the exact same thing. Try both. He’ll stop being silent when he feels he’s ready to stop punishing you, or when this form of punishment isn’t enough to please him. It’s a win-win, because you’ve clearly outlined that his form for affection is abuse and manipulation.

 

But the advice I’d give you is to read MissCanuck’s last post a few more times.

 

The other thing I’ll say, knowing you’re unlikely to listen, is that no one on the planet wants a partner who thinks of them as “broken.” No one. It’s belittling and judgmental and will cause people, even people who ARE broken, to regularly rebel against and reject that partner on occasion in order to find the very thing you said you’re looking for now: power.

 

That said, broken people attract broken people, or can at the very least infect others, “break” others. Broken is contagious. Abuse is contagious. Just as he inherited his tendencies from his family, per your analysis, it seems his tendencies have rubbed off on you as a form of expressing love and affection.

 

Because that’s what those accusatory texts were, after all. That was you trying to hurt and manipulate him in order to extract affection—a little dose of his abuse/affection thrown back at him. Something to think about, or not, as you wait for him to reach out or respond to a text.

[sosolaila89]

Answering your question: waiting for him or texting him (once, twice, a hundred times until he responds) are the exact same thing. Try both. He’ll stop being silent when he feels he’s ready to stop punishing you, or when this form of punishment isn’t enough to please him. It’s a win-win, because you’ve clearly outlined that his form for affection is abuse and manipulation.

 

But the advice I’d give you is to read MissCanuck’s last post a few more times.

 

The other thing I’ll say, knowing you’re unlikely to listen, is that no one on the planet wants a partner who thinks of them as “broken.” No one. It’s belittling and judgmental and will cause people, even people who ARE broken, to regularly rebel against and reject that partner on occasion in order to find the very thing you said you’re looking for now: power.

 

That said, broken people attract broken people, or can at the very least infect others, “break” others. Broken is contagious. Abuse is contagious. Just as he inherited his tendencies from his family, per your analysis, it seems his tendencies have rubbed off on you as a form of expressing love and affection.

 

Because that’s what those accusatory texts were, after all. That was you trying to hurt and manipulate him in order to extract affection—a little dose of his abuse/affection thrown back at him. Something to think about, or not, as you wait for him to reach out or respond to a text.

 

Makes sense. Thank you.

[katrina1980]

Yes, it is emotional abuse/manipulation. He comes from a family filled with emotional/mental abusers who manipulate him on a daily basis. This is all he knows. In his eyes, this is love. It's not a story I tell myself, it's his reality and who am I to judge him on what he's been through or how he deals with it today. It's much deeper than what you see here. I wish I can go in depth but his story isn't mine to tell.

 

All I can say is, he's broken. Crushed into pieces and has no idea how beautiful life really is because he was never given a beautiful life. Nothing even remotely close to it. So, yes, his relationships will not be beautiful either. He's a child trapped in a 38 year old's body. No one will ever understand him the way that I do and they don't have to. We all have a story to tell, and we all deal with our pain differently. This doesn't mean that anyone has the right to decide whether someone is capable of love or not just because they aren't familiar with his kind of love.

 

My goodness, are you some extension of him or something? Sure sounds like you think you are.

 

Who are YOU?

 

Do you have needs other than getting emotionally beat up by your bf, and spending your energy justifying why he does so, and why he is so manipulative and abusive?

 

What if his emotional abuse turned physical? Like if he threw acid in your face (it's happened) would you find reasons to excuse and justify that too?

 

Serious question.

[sosolaila89]

What if his emotional abuse turned physical? Like if he threw acid in your face (it's happened) would you find reasons to excuse and justify that too?

 

Serious question.

 

He's not physically abusive. He's a great guy. Thank you for your advice.

[katrina1980]

He's not physically abusive. He's a great guy. Thank you for your advice.

 

I said that, not blue and please don't be so naive, abuse escalates, ask any woman whose bf was initially emotionally abusive and has escalated to physical.