I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

[MissCanuck]

Because I’m afraid this time he won’t come back.

 

And why this time, specifically?

 

He's been gone longer before, so I am curious why you feel this time will be different.

[sosolaila89]

Because he hasn’t been spending time with me lately. He’s emotionally close but physically distant.

[sosolaila89]

I guess I’ll give it until my bday on the 30th. If he’s doesn’t call, he always does on my bday, then I know it’s over

[sosolaila89]

I just don’t know if I should reach out and apologize for accusing him or just to leave it alone since it doesn’t no matter if I am right or wrong, the silent treatment will still be used.

[katrina1980]

You said he has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, you attend support groups so one would assume you know something about it and learned ways to cope.

 

My nephew has this disease, there are times he is completely disconnected from reality, like completely, he can become psychotic at times, he literally hears "voices" telling him things; when he lived at home, my step-sister came home from work to find the entire house boarded up because my nephew fully believed aliens were trying to take him away. That is what the "voices" were telling him.

 

He has run away, for months at times, and been homeless. This is very typical of this disease.

His disease has escalated, my step sister could no longer cope, and he is now living in a special home for those with this illness and he when he goes off his meds (which is often), he runs away from the home, actually preferring to live on the streets.

 

When off his meds, there is no way he could ever, EVER maintain anything even resembling a romantic relationship.

 

Frankly, I am surprised your bf has been able to maintain a relationship w you for seven years.

 

You might be noticing a difference now because the disease may be escalating, he is no longer able to cope with the pressures and responsibilities of maintaining it.

 

Again, the best and imo the only thing you can do now is try to understand this disease and NOT take it personally!

 

He's sick for heaven's sake and all you are worried about is YOU. Afraid he will leave you. Ugh.

 

My advice is call your therapist, and with his/her help, learn ways to cope, and start disconnecting and distancing yourself emotionally, cause sweetie, having experienced this with my nephew, since you said he is off his meds, he is gone -- in mind, body and spirit, sadly.

 

I'm sorry.

[sosolaila89]

Yes, he is sick but his schizophrenia is not severe. If anything, his bipolar is. Me being worried about him leaving for good doesn’t mean I’m only worried about myself. He is my world. Whether he comes with 10 illnesses or none. I care about him and I am not giving up on him. He has been able to maintain a 7 year relationship because he is capable of love. I have a friend from high school who has been missing since July last year. She is schizophrenic as well and an active drug user. No one knows what happened to her.

 

It upsets me that anyone would think I’m being selfish. I love him more than anything. He’s very special to me. I’m sorry that your brother is going through a hard time and I know how much this hurts you to see your brother dealing with this. I have a big heart and I like to see the best in others. I cry myself to sleep on days he’s having an episode (bipolar) because it kills me to know that this man who deserves to live a normal life is struggling the way that he is. My google history is nothing but researches on this illness. I know exactly what it entails but I still can’t help but need reassurance and guidance of what’s happening because I am also human with feelings. It’s harder on him but it’s also difficult for me too because I’m not in his head to know what it feels like. I just have to try to be the best woman that I can be for him and support him and try to figure out what to do and how to handle things when he’s off in his own world or needs me. And hope that it was the right thing to do.

 

This relationship didn’t come with a handbook of how to be with someone with a mental illness. Not even google has the right answer because every site has a different answer. The hardest part of it all is not knowing what the next step is. Not knowing if what you’re doing is good enough. Not knowing whether I should feel sensitive to his actions/behavior or whether he’s doing it on purpose because he has done it on purpose and fully aware of what he was doing. Is this him shutting down like you said and going off into his own head and listening to what these voices are telling him to do? Or is this him playing a game like he did several times before? That’s where I am stuck at. And it’s even harder to come on here or any other support group asking for advice and guidance because if professionals can’t even guide you in a situation like this, and every professional has their own different thoughts on mental illness, who do I believe? How do I proceed? Do I take the advice of an outsider? Do I listen to 10 different therapists/psychiatrists who all have a different opinion? I hope I’m making sense.

 

My point is, the illness is all over the place, because I deal with it on a daily basis when caring for him, I’m all over the place. The relationship is all over the place. While I understand that this is what I’ll be going through as long as I love him, I’m still a human being with feelings. I’m still allowed to cry and be fed up and be confused and wonder when it’ll all get better. I’m allowed to do these things. In no way does it mean I am selfish.

[katrina1980]

I don't understand what you mean by "his schizophrenia is not severe."

 

Schizophrenia is the most severe form of mental illness there is! The most devastating, for the person struggling with it and their families.

 

My nephew (my step-sister's son) has schizophrenia not my brother.

 

This disease escalates, can become more severe in time. i have researched it, it's a fact.

 

And Ive witnessed it with my own eyes. And my step-sister experienced the same feelings you are -- anxiety, panic, fear.

 

I don't think you are selfish, but I do think it would benefit you to educate yourself a bit more about it, again so you are able to understand the symptoms, the severity, and ways to cope during those times he disappears and other times.

 

Or you can continue living like this -- anxious,, panicking, etc..

 

Your choice.

 

Good luck.

 

Edit: Have you called his mother? Has she heard from him? Or the police? Filed a missing person's report? He could be living on the streets for all you know.

 

If you have not, given his severe mental state, I am not quite sure why you haven't.

[tsantos]

First, this woman is not your friend. If you need friends, she is not one of them. She is the first person to dump.

 

Second, why do you need power in your relationship? What will you do with it? It seems you would rather allow your friends to have power in your relationships. I simply do not understand why you believe you need to have power over another human being. How does that serve the intention of the relationship?

 

Third, you need to come clean with him. While the things you told him are valuable, you are withholding. If you want to be a powerful person in your relationship, withholding will not get you there. Tell him about your friend and how she convinced you. If you already had questions about him cheating, tell him.

 

Instead of attempting to have powerf over someone else, be a powerful human being. The only reason anyone would want to control another is because they have fear. People with fear lie often.

[sosolaila89]

I reached out and apologized for accusing him. He texted back pretty quickly. I explained to him why I did that and what my concerns were in the relationship. Waiting for a response now.

[katrina1980]

I reached out and apologized for accusing him. He texted back pretty quickly. I explained to him why I did that and what my concerns were in the relationship. Waiting for a response now.

 

What did he say in his text back? Did he say where he is, did you ask him?

 

Frankly, not quite sure what's going on, now.

 

In your original post, you mentioned his mental illnesses, including schizophrenia which is very serious and would explain the disappearances, on the other hand you infer his disappearing acts are a form of punishment.

 

For which you blame yourself, and apologize. This has become your dynamic for seven years.

 

Does not matter, at least you know he is still alive.

 

Again, I really do wish you the best of luck sosol, hope it all works out, take care of yourself.

[MissCanuck]

If he's been distant leading up to this, perhaps it is time to concede that he has indeed lost interest and the relationship is over.

[figureitout23]

Yes, he is sick but his schizophrenia is not severe. If anything, his bipolar is. Me being worried about him leaving for good doesn’t mean I’m only worried about myself. He is my world. Whether he comes with 10 illnesses or none. I care about him and I am not giving up on him. He has been able to maintain a 7 year relationship because he is capable of love. I have a friend from high school who has been missing since July last year. She is schizophrenic as well and an active drug user. No one knows what happened to her.

 

It upsets me that anyone would think I’m being selfish. I love him more than anything. He’s very special to me. I’m sorry that your brother is going through a hard time and I know how much this hurts you to see your brother dealing with this. I have a big heart and I like to see the best in others. I cry myself to sleep on days he’s having an episode (bipolar) because it kills me to know that this man who deserves to live a normal life is struggling the way that he is. My google history is nothing but researches on this illness. I know exactly what it entails but I still can’t help but need reassurance and guidance of what’s happening because I am also human with feelings. It’s harder on him but it’s also difficult for me too because I’m not in his head to know what it feels like. I just have to try to be the best woman that I can be for him and support him and try to figure out what to do and how to handle things when he’s off in his own world or needs me. And hope that it was the right thing to do.

 

This relationship didn’t come with a handbook of how to be with someone with a mental illness. Not even google has the right answer because every site has a different answer. The hardest part of it all is not knowing what the next step is. Not knowing if what you’re doing is good enough. Not knowing whether I should feel sensitive to his actions/behavior or whether he’s doing it on purpose because he has done it on purpose and fully aware of what he was doing. Is this him shutting down like you said and going off into his own head and listening to what these voices are telling him to do? Or is this him playing a game like he did several times before? That’s where I am stuck at. And it’s even harder to come on here or any other support group asking for advice and guidance because if professionals can’t even guide you in a situation like this, and every professional has their own different thoughts on mental illness, who do I believe? How do I proceed? Do I take the advice of an outsider? Do I listen to 10 different therapists/psychiatrists who all have a different opinion? I hope I’m making sense.

 

My point is, the illness is all over the place, because I deal with it on a daily basis when caring for him, I’m all over the place. The relationship is all over the place. While I understand that this is what I’ll be going through as long as I love him, I’m still a human being with feelings. I’m still allowed to cry and be fed up and be confused and wonder when it’ll all get better. I’m allowed to do these things. In no way does it mean I am selfish.

 

This post is the epitome of martyrdom...like I can’t think of a more perfect example of being a martyr.

 

Of course your google search is nothing but diagnosis, that’s part of YOUR sickness, being the hero, the savior, sacrificing yourself to ‘fix’ him, I’m sure you can’t find anything on google and I’m sure the groups are minimally helpful as well, they would give healthy advice on how you can’t fix mental illness, how you are not supposed to white knuckle your way through a relationship even with someone with mental illness, there are no handbooks because mental illness does not define a person, it’s actually incredibly insulting to me that that’s how you define him, sick, unwell, needing, essentially nothing without your guidance, it is incredibly selfish. He is possibly going through an episode or he’s maintaining very well and just being a jerk and you’re excusing it because of his mental illness, again incredibly selfish.

 

None of your actions are selfless.

 

Being selfless would be walking away so he learns his actions are not ok and maintaining his mental health is important. Holding loved ones accountable is one of the most loving things one can do, being their crutch? That’s about making you feel better, not them, have you ever watched intervention? Often the family must go to treatment themselves to learn how to not be codependent, they send them because if the addict gets clean and comes home and the family is still codependent... the addict has a higher chance of relapsing

 

I’m giving you advice based on you. If he was here I’d tell him to get away from you. Since you are here unwilling to change my advice is nothing, until you’re ready to own you need help, there’s no advice to be given.

[katrina1980]

 

This relationship didn’t come with a handbook of how to be with someone with a mental illness. Not even google has the right answer because every site has a different answer.

 

I never said it did. If you had read my post more closely (minus your anxiety and emotions reading it for you), you would have noticed I advised you, since leaving is not an option for you, to find better ways to COPE, with the help of qualified therapist.

 

 

My advice is call your therapist, and with his/her help, learn ways to cope, and start disconnecting and distancing yourself emotionally, cause sweetie, having experienced this with my nephew, since you said he is off his meds, he is gone -- in mind, body and spirit, sadly.

 

 

NOT google or other websites for heavens sake, but a qualified therapist with experience in dealing with severe mental illness.

 

However, since reading figureitout's response, I like her advice much better.

 

You won't take it because it entails introspecting, self-reflecting and digging deep into yourself, your own psyche and your own motives for staying in this relationship, beyond "love."

 

And of course making the best decision for him, which is leaving and allowing him to get the proper help he needs; I am sorry if this hurts you, but you're staying and enabling him is obviously not helping.

[maew]

Yes, he is sick but his schizophrenia is not severe. If anything, his bipolar is. Me being worried about him leaving for good doesn’t mean I’m only worried about myself. He is my world. Whether he comes with 10 illnesses or none. I care about him and I am not giving up on him. He has been able to maintain a 7 year relationship because he is capable of love. I have a friend from high school who has been missing since July last year. She is schizophrenic as well and an active drug user. No one knows what happened to her.

 

It upsets me that anyone would think I’m being selfish. I love him more than anything. He’s very special to me. I’m sorry that your brother is going through a hard time and I know how much this hurts you to see your brother dealing with this. I have a big heart and I like to see the best in others. I cry myself to sleep on days he’s having an episode (bipolar) because it kills me to know that this man who deserves to live a normal life is struggling the way that he is. My google history is nothing but researches on this illness. I know exactly what it entails but I still can’t help but need reassurance and guidance of what’s happening because I am also human with feelings. It’s harder on him but it’s also difficult for me too because I’m not in his head to know what it feels like. I just have to try to be the best woman that I can be for him and support him and try to figure out what to do and how to handle things when he’s off in his own world or needs me. And hope that it was the right thing to do.

 

This relationship didn’t come with a handbook of how to be with someone with a mental illness. Not even google has the right answer because every site has a different answer. The hardest part of it all is not knowing what the next step is. Not knowing if what you’re doing is good enough. Not knowing whether I should feel sensitive to his actions/behavior or whether he’s doing it on purpose because he has done it on purpose and fully aware of what he was doing. Is this him shutting down like you said and going off into his own head and listening to what these voices are telling him to do? Or is this him playing a game like he did several times before? That’s where I am stuck at. And it’s even harder to come on here or any other support group asking for advice and guidance because if professionals can’t even guide you in a situation like this, and every professional has their own different thoughts on mental illness, who do I believe? How do I proceed? Do I take the advice of an outsider? Do I listen to 10 different therapists/psychiatrists who all have a different opinion? I hope I’m making sense.

 

My point is, the illness is all over the place, because I deal with it on a daily basis when caring for him, I’m all over the place. The relationship is all over the place. While I understand that this is what I’ll be going through as long as I love him, I’m still a human being with feelings. I’m still allowed to cry and be fed up and be confused and wonder when it’ll all get better. I’m allowed to do these things. In no way does it mean I am selfish.

 

OP it will never get better... this is what Kat and others are trying to tell you. Schizophrenia and BPD aren’t curable. He will be this way for the rest of his life. If you love him as much as you say you do, then show it by having some acceptance of his need to come and go and stop taking it so personally.

[boltnrun]

If he was deployed military you would have to accept not seeing him other than short visits for upwards of 18 months (a friend of mine is going through this now).

 

In your case, since you will not end the relationship you must accept that he will disappear whenever for however long. And learn to self soothe instead of crying and feeling hurt. Also accept it will not "get better" as long as he rejects treatment.