I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

[sosolaila89]

]

Have you checked out any of the schizophrenia support organizations in your area?

It might help you to see things from another perspective. It's not only for those who are diagnosed, but also those who love someone who has been.

Some of the behaviors you listed are quite common to the illness. It's extremely common too for med skipping to happen.

I think being as informed as possible is always a good thing. I think too you are personalizing a lot that is not personal, but related to the illness.

Well let me know what you think?

 

Yeah that’s why I kept bringing up his illness because I am in a schizophrenia support group and a bipolar support group. They all do the same thing. It’s like every person in those groups can tell my story because they’re so similar.

[MissCanuck]

This is what your life with him is going to look like, OP.

 

You know what you have signed up for. You know it won't be stable or predictable. There will be times when he vanishes and you spiral and panic. He will lash out and hurt you, berate you, and them come back. Your self-esteem will take a beating and then be built up again, albeit on a very flimsy foundation. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

With all of that said, there is really not much anyone here can do for you. You know what his deal is. You better get used to it because this is what the rest of your relationship with him is probably going to be. Stick around if you choose, but be prepared to deal with years and years of this. You are making an informed choice to stay so complaining about it will eventually become futile.

 

My big concern here is this: what are you going to do if he eventually does leave for good? Finds another woman? Where does that leave you? Your identity and self-worth is utterly dependent on him so I would be worried that you are going to fall apart completely if this relationship doesn't work out.

[Richard11]

Do you know where he has been going out of town for business? Maybe, you should got to follow him.

[sosolaila89]

This is what your life with him is going to look like, OP.

 

You know what you have signed up for. You know it won't be stable or predictable. There will be times when he vanishes and you spiral and panic. He will lash out and hurt you, berate you, and them come back. Your self-esteem will take a beating and then be built up again, albeit on a very flimsy foundation. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

With all of that said, there is really not much anyone here can do for you. You know what his deal is. You better get used to it because this is what the rest of your relationship with him is probably going to be. Stick around if you choose, but be prepared to deal with years and years of this. You are making an informed choice to stay so complaining about it will eventually become futile.

 

My big concern here is this: what are you going to do if he eventually does leave for good? Finds another woman? Where does that leave you? Your identity and self-worth is utterly dependent on him so I would be worried that you are going to fall apart completely if this relationship doesn't work out.

 

I will fall apart. He’s my world. If he leaves, idk what I’ll do. I know I won’t be okay. 7 years is a long time. I can’t just be okay with a break up, if that’s what this is. I won’t be the happiest person ever if that happens. This is my bf of 7 years. No, I wouldn’t want to see him with someone else. Who would want to see their bf with anyone else after being invested in a relationship this many years or more? I never heard of that before. It has nothing to do with anything else but the fact that I love him. This isn’t easy. The one person who treated me like a queen for 5 years, has suddenly turned into this the last 2 years. It’s not like he treated me good for a few months and went stone cold, it was years. Ever since his mom and I got into an altercation, things went down hill. That woman has such a control over him. She blows up his phone anytime he isn’t home and asks “are you with that b**tch?” He tells me let’s run away from all this drama. When he’s on a business trip or just away from her, he treats me amazing. It’s like he’s stuck in the middle of a woman who says she will disown him if he talks to me, and possibly losing me.

[Wiseman2]

Where does he actually live? With her or with you? What kind of altercation did you get into with his mother? Have you been emotionally abusive toward him? Or excessively clingy, jealous, controlling, etc? Severe mental illness can run in families. Is he at her place/communicating with her during these disappearances? If you make him choose, is he leaning toward his mother's advice to leave you since you can't get along with her? It sounds like your relationship with him is very conflicted and extremely strained because of the situation with the mother.

Ever since his mom and I got into an altercation, things went down hill. She blows up his phone anytime he isn’t home and asks “are you with that b**tch?”

[MissCanuck]

I will fall apart. He’s my world. If he leaves, idk what I’ll do. I know I won’t be okay. 7 years is a long time. I can’t just be okay with a break up, if that’s what this is. I won’t be the happiest person ever if that happens. This is my bf of 7 years. No, I wouldn’t want to see him with someone else. Who would want to see their bf with anyone else after being invested in a relationship this many years or more? I never heard of that before.

 

Who suggested that? Not one person in this thread implied you should want to see him with someone else.

 

Not one person in this thread suggested that ending a 7-year relationship would be easy, either. Many of us have been there, some with relationships much longer than yours. A few of us with partners suffering from mental health problems - myself included (former partner, in my case) You are not the only person in the world that has been in this boat. Your situation isn't as unique as you think it is.

 

My point was that you are extremely unhealthily enmeshed with him, and you have your own issues you should be addressing too. Given that your relationship does look like it could be ending, if I'm being honest, you need to start thinking about what you will do with yourself. You should be thinking about how to be your own person anyway, regardless of your relationship status.

 

I concede that you are right to be worried that the past two years have not been good. Something isn't working here anymore, whether it's related to his mental health or possible infidelity. You said something that contradicted your earlier posts, though: "When he’s on a business trip or just away from her, he treats me amazing." Evidently, that's not entirely true because he's on a business trip now and wasn't paying attention to you, leading to your accusation of cheating. If you really believed he was amazing to you while is away, why did you freak out when he was more quiet than usual?

 

I think you are afraid of what the truth behind his distance might be, so you have different (slightly more palatable) explanations you try to tack on now instead of calmly confronting what you fear most, which is that he might have another woman on his radar.

[sosolaila89]

Where does he actually live? With her or with you? What kind of altercation did you get into with his mother? Have you been emotionally abusive toward him? Or excessively clingy, jealous, controlling, etc? Severe mental illness can run in families. Is he at her place/communicating with her during these disappearances? If you make him choose, is he leaning toward his mother's advice to leave you since you can't get along with her? It sounds like your relationship with him is very conflicted and extremely strained because of the situation with the mother.

 

His mother doesn’t want him in a relationship with anyone. She is like this with all her sons. Her other son actually just got into a new relationship and she managed to make up something wrong about her so they would argue. She’s very toxic.

 

Our altercation was over the fact I wouldn’t drive her somewhere. She is not my mother and not my responsibility. I live 20-30 mins away from her. She has 5 grown sons/daughters who all drive and live with her. She knew that I wouldn’t able to drop what I was doing and come take her but she used that as a reason to tell him I’m no good. She will purposely do stuff like this. In the beginning of our relationship, before I ever met her, she heard about me and messaged me on Facebook calling me a “dumb b**tch.”

 

I didn’t even know who she was because she faked her name on fb and put it under his nieces name and obviously I didn’t know his family then so I was confused. For a minute, I thought it was another woman he was talking to. He said that’s his mom. I said why in the world would she cal a woman that she doesn’t even know a “dumb b**tch?” He said idk and I’ll have a talk with her.

 

My point here is, she will do anything it takes to flip a situation onto you. If she does wrong, she will flip it and make him think the other person was wrong. She will start crying and get upset to make it look real. This woman even tried to run in front of my car wearing all black at midnight when I dropped him off at home to get me to hit her. Luckily he got back in the car and spent more time with me because he’s the one who noticed someone was in the street, not me and told me to stop the car.

 

There was one time, the first time meeting her at a hospital when my bf was having pains in his chest. I was in the waiting room with her and his niece. She told me “when I adopted him when he was 12 and we were celebrating his birthday, he threw his bday cake in the trash. I wish I never adopted him. He’s the worst.” The next day she argued with him because she was jealous of me and saying she doesn’t now want him talking to me. He flipped out on her. She said “oh your little gf was talking about you. She told me I should have never adopted you.” I’m like wow!!!!! That’s so messed up!

 

His niece told his mother the other day “why don’t you go save your sons from their girlfriends??? Since you like ruining everyone’s relationship.” She said it as a joke so she doesn’t get into trouble. My bf told me and I’m like okay so the kids know I’m not wrong?? And it’s all her??? He said yes but my mom is over protective and no one can stop her. He even admitted that’s the reason he went 2 months not talking to me bc she is very good at making you think something is true about someone.

 

She has told him I’m a cheater, I play with his head, she basically takes advantage of his head, knowing he has an illness. He deals with real bad paranoia. She knows it and she will say “hey what if she is cheating on you or what if she’s in this to really hurt you?” The two things he fears the most and he will flip out. His biological mom isn’t even like this. At first, I thought she might be evil. All along, the only reason why he thought she was evil is bc of what his adoptive mother told him so he doesn’t talk to her ever again.

[boltnrun]

In your other thread you asked for advice on how to lose 100 pounds.

 

I hope you don't think you can do any better than him because of your weight. Don't you know there are many, many men who love curvy women?

 

You shouldn't doubt your value as a woman because of your weight. I hope you don't less of yourself because of it.

[sosolaila89]

klsjflksdjlkds

[sosolaila89]

klajsdflkjskldf

[Wiseman2]

So you know the reason for his disappearances.

He even admitted that’s the reason he went 2 months not talking to me bc she......

[sosolaila89]

aslkjdflksjfsd

[sosolaila89]

alksdjfklsjdflkds

[MissCanuck]

And I never even asked why he disappeared. I asked how should I handle the silent treatment? Should I reach out or not? People started talking about other stuff which caused me to defend him by telling his story. Now I’m being told “so you know the reason.” That’s how much people don’t pay attention to my initial question. I’ve repeated myself so many times. For the few who actually answered my question, thank you for paying attention and not stirring the pot.

 

Oh, malarkey. That is rather dismissive of you. Glad I caught this before you deleted it.

 

Plenty here took the time to read your posts and respond in detail. We can't really tell you how to solve a problem if we don't know what's behind the problem. Let's be real. If you kept getting a cold, and came here asking how to treat it, people would be asking about your health, history of medical issues and so on. The same principle applies here. How can we possibly advise you on how to respond to his silent treatment if we had no clue in what context it was happening? People paid attention to your initial question or they wouldn't be asking about your history with him at all. Take a deep breath, girl.

 

I get that you feel defensive and angry because your relationship is now under a microscope and it frankly looks pretty crap. I am sure people in your real life tell you the same and that you are tired of the criticism. You are hearing things you don't want to hear, and you feel judged. I get it. I was there when my emotionally unstable ex was lashing out and causing chaos too; I didn't want people to know just how bad things had gotten. It's not fun to hear other people tell you that your relationship is toxic and that you're better off without him.

 

However, what I don't understand is this: if your boyfriend has given you the silent treatment before (and he has, for extended periods) and he came back, why do you need guidance now on how to deal with it? Just do what you did before. Wait for him. You have said repeatedly you plan on staying no matter what, so just follow whatever pattern got you back with him the last time. What's the problem?

[sosolaila89]

I don't need any help anymore. Thanks everyone. This thread can be closed now.

[katrina1980]

Have you checked out any of the schizophrenia support organizations in your area?

It might help you to see things from another perspective. It's not only for those who are diagnosed, but also those who love someone who has been.

Some of the behaviors you listed are quite common to the illness. It's extremely common too for med skipping to happen.

I think being as informed as possible is always a good thing. I think too you are personalizing a lot that is not personal, but related to the illness.

Well let me know what you think?

 

Thank you to grand for reminding me of this, frankly I had forgotten he suffered from schizophrenia, this thread went in a different direction (abuse) and I jumped on that band wagon -- so sorry sosol.

 

This makes a huge difference, especially since he's off his meds.

 

I like the advice to NOT take it personally, it's not about you, it's about his illness. His illness doesn't provide him the emotional tools to cope with any sort of conflict and when there is, he runs off.

 

He always returns, so sosol perhaps the best and only way to cope during these periods when he's gone, since leaving is not an option, is learning to how to be OK on your own.

 

Strive to lose that 100 pounds you want to lose (different thread), become as healthy as you can be, and develop a fulfilling life outside of him. Doing so may even add a different element to the relationship, strengthening it!

 

Then when he goes off, you won't fall to pieces or become a ball of anxiety, you will know it's something he needs to do to cope (due to his illness), and you can simply do your own thing, go out with friends, take up a hobby you like, whatever.

 

The key here is a accepting this is who he is, and most likely has nothing to to with you.

 

You said he's only been gone four days. My guess is he will be back just like all the other times.

 

So enjoy your holiday, and try to stop worrying so much, ok?

 

I think it's great you attend support groups, stick with that and gain strength from others experiencing the same thing.

[sosolaila89]

Thank you to grand for reminding me of this, frankly I had forgotten he suffered from schizophrenia, this thread went in a different direction (abuse) and I jumped on that band wagon -- so sorry sosol.

 

This makes a huge difference, especially since he's off his meds.

 

I like the advice to NOT take it personally, it's not about you, it's about his illness. His illness doesn't provide him the emotional tools to cope with any sort of conflict and when there is, he runs off.

 

He always returns, so sosol perhaps the best and only way to cope during these periods when he's gone, since leaving is not an option, is learning to how to be OK on your own.

 

Strive to lose that 100 pounds you want to lose (different thread), become as healthy as you can be, and develop a fulfilling life outside of him. Doing so may even add a different element to the relationship, strengthening it!

 

Then when he goes off, you won't fall to pieces or become a ball of anxiety, you will know it's something he needs to do to cope (due to his illness), and you can simply do your own thing, go out with friends, take up a hobby you like, whatever.

 

The key here is a accepting this is who he is, and most likely has nothing to to with you.

 

You said he's only been gone four days. My guess is he will be back just like all the other times.

 

So enjoy your holiday, and try to stop worrying so much, ok?

 

I think it's great you attend support groups, stick with that and gain strength from others experiencing the same thing.

 

*sigh* I’d like to think that he will be back just like all the other times. It’s hard to believe that when I’m in a panic.

[bluecastle]

Happy 4th! Enjoy the fireworks, have a beer in the sun.

 

He's sick. If he was physically sick—if he had, say, a broken leg—you wouldn't be panicked if he was avoiding running a marathon with you right now. Well, he has a broken spirit, as you know, which makes life a marathon he can't run from time to time. Now is one of those times, and these times are forever. It's not a verdict on you, but just the fabric of dating someone who is ill, and as such nothing to panic about.

 

Remind yourself that this is what you love about him, and take comfort in that.

[katrina1980]

*sigh* I’d like to think that he will be back just like all the other times. It’s hard to believe that when I’m in a panic.

 

That is my point though. Take the steps necessary to learn how to NOT panic!

 

I don't even get why you're panicking anyway. He's been doing this for seven years!

 

It's his illness, not you! It's his way of coping during stressful times.

 

Instead of panicking, since leaving is not an option, learn to understand it! So you are able to cope during these unsettling times.

[IAmFCA]

Happy 4th! Enjoy the fireworks, have a beer in the sun.

 

He's sick. If he was physically sick—if he had, say, a broken leg—you wouldn't be panicked if he was avoiding running a marathon with you right now. Well, he has a broken spirit, as you know, which makes life a marathon he can't run from time to time. Now is one of those times, and these times are forever. It's not a verdict on you, but just the fabric of dating someone who is ill, and as such nothing to panic about.

 

Remind yourself that this is what you love about him, and take comfort in that.

 

well said.

 

It helps me to remember that what we love about someone is always a multifaceted trait - as all traits are multifaceted and therefore not good or bad. I love a man with a hearty sense of independence and adventure, always have. Sounds great, right? Well, such a man is less likely to include me, less likely to stick to one address, less likely to draw friends around for dinners and the like.

 

Its a simple example - a way to remember that we choose someone who brings the tough stuff same as we choose someone who brings the fun stuff. Could I endure what you choose to endure? No, I could not. Its your choice, your use of your personal power. Remember that.

[maew]

I really don't know what to say.

 

Why would he bother changing if you don't bother changing? What he's doing right now works. I mean, he even makes his doing "wrong" by you about, well, him. How messed up he is, how damaged, how he's trying his best, how mommy did X, grammy did Y. And you hold him in your arms and stroke his hair. You tell him about how hard it is in the world, and he says he knows, agrees to take on the business of living in the world differently, then does nothing differently.

 

And you hold him in your arms, stroke his hair.

 

This is your relationship. It's not a bump in the road before things turn a corner. This is it. Seven years. It'll be seven more, seventy more, exactly like this. A step forward here, a step back there, all roads leading to this. Basically sounds like he hates himself a thousand times more than he loves himself, that he looks in the mirror and sees a self-hating control freak a-hole, and that he's more interested in supporting that idea of himself than growing out of it.

 

And in you he has a perfect mirror in which he can continue to see himself as deranged, because the mirror is always there. You reward his derangement, coddle it. He spits in your face—maybe not literally—and you calmly wipe it away, take him into your arms, and apologize that mommy and grammy were so bad to him.

 

Unspoken here, at least not directly, is where your sex life fits into all this. Do these episodes lead to explosive sex? If so, that's another reward—for both of you, one that conditions both of you to start equating not just emotional intimacy, but also physical intimacy, with pain and drama.

 

This, all of this....

 

Clearly OP, you get something out of being the victim. You are not alone in this... people think they are being super selfless and giving when they behave this way, however it's really just another form of entitlement... the victim feels that because they bend over backwards to try and make their abuser happy, that their abuser then owes them changed behavior and living up to some perceived potential that the victim has of that person. It also means the victim never really has to look at themselves, or change anything they are doing, or to take any sort of responsibility for themselves or their life, because all of their energy is focused on the pain that their abuser is inflicting on them.

 

How do I know this? Because I was addicted to being a victim and martyr in all of my past relationships. I too sought out dominant men because I didn't want to take responsibility for my decisions or actions... I was too scared to. Eventually though... there was a spark and a fire in me that wanted to be free, to be confident, sassy and empowered in every area of my life... and a soft side that was sick of being abused and wanted kindness and compassion and unconditional love, that wanted a strong man, not a dominant and controlling man-child.

 

It's your call OP, obviously you know by now that this is who he is and you seem to be comfortable with who you are right now, the only thing I can really suggest is that you work on accepting him for who he is because he will not change, ever.

[figureitout23]

You've been together 7 Years. You know he has untreated mental illness.

 

This and what maew just said, literally everything she just said nailed it.

 

Good Lord all of this amateur diagnosis and analysis...

 

We are not even a little bit equipped to crack the surface of the complexities of your relationship, all we are equipped to comprehend is you are in a codependent relationship with someone with mental illness and right now youre on the low end of the roller coaster and need a distraction before the high hits again... you dont intend to leave, I fully believe you. From whats stated here, you both benefit from this relationship and feed off of eachother, not what Id personally define as an abusive situation... definitely not a healthy situation but one you seem to want at this point in life, I wish you luck getting through this...dry spell...but victim....I’d say only one of your own doing...

[sosolaila89]

So I had a great 4th. It was tons of fun but now that the night is over, I’m down again. No call, no nothing.

[MissCanuck]

Again, OP, you know he does this.

 

I don't really understand why it's sending you into panic mode on this particular occasion. He might be gone another few days, weeks, a month or two. Just wait it out like you did before. If you know him as well as you say you do, you know he will come back around.

 

You insist on staying. This is what you get to put up with. It will always be like this.

[sosolaila89]

Because I’m afraid this time he won’t come back.