I need your advice regarding silent treatments and deciding whether I was wrong

[sosolaila89]

I said that, not blue and please don't be so naive, abuse escalates, ask any woman whose bf was initially emotionally abusive and has escalated to physical.

 

I appreciate your help.

[SherrySher]

Just to answer your question, I don't see the silent treatment as a control tactic per se, its more a sign of immaturity.

 

A person who does this, has no idea how to have an adult conversation or how to deal with more difficult issue between two adults in a sensible and healthy manner.

 

Instead, they have to sulk, punish and shut off communication. That's what children do.

[katrina1980]

I appreciate your help.

 

You're very welcome.

 

 

He gets off on drama. He uses the silent treatment and other dramatic ways to see how much I love him or care. He’s asked me before to beg for him because it makes him feel like I care. Even if he’s in the wrong.

 

To which you have obliged, admittedly.

 

My personal prayer for you sosol is that someday you will realize your value and worth and seek out a more healthy, loving and functional way of interacting in your relationship(s) and find peace within.

 

Take good care. xx

[bluecastle]

I agree with Sherry.

 

It's not control, it's not damage, it's not deep, it's not mysterious. Those are stories to give it more weight. It's just childish. I don't care what happened to someone when they were a child; if this is how they deal with conflict, it's too childish for me, a grownup, to deal with. It means, sadly, we can't connect in the way I need to connect, because it means I have to grow into a strange shape to accommodate someone. It means, over time, that I will not feel like a partner but like a parent or a teacher—or maybe just like trash, or maybe like a child myself—if I choose to reward it.

 

And just in case I sound cold-hearted there, let me say that I have endless compassion for people who have had a tough go of it. I'm one of them. Caught some tough breaks as a kid, and I feel for your boyfriend. I know what it is to love a parent who treats you abysmally. I also feel for you. While we can't choose our family, we do get to choose our partners, and it sounds like you're choosing one who has made a good part of your 20s a pretty tough go.

 

So, along with Katrina, I really hope you come to realize your value and that nothing—literally nothing—is an excuse for another person to repeatedly pummel it. The line between emotional abuse and physical abuse is so much thinner than you know, and I'm saying that from experience. Scariest part about that shift, if and when it comes? It's not nearly as jolting as you think because you're already conditioned to be in pain, to excuse what is inexcusable.

[katrina1980]

sosol, I am curious to know, and if you don't feel comfortable answering, I respect that.

 

But would you consider your relationship a Dom/Sub type of relationship? Him being the dominant, you being the submissive of course.

 

Reason I ask is (1) the begging and your obliging/submitting, (2) it appears he controls the entire dynamic, you "happily" or even unhappily go along with it, excusing/justifying and (3) and most important, it appears you have relinquished your entire identity (submissive) and become some sort of extension of him (the dominant).

 

Your relationship has become all about his needs, his wants, his insecurities, his troubled childhood, it's all about HIM and you seem perfectly happy catering to that dynamic.

 

Not judging I promise, I was in a relationship very close to that, minus the silent treatments and manipulations.

 

So just curious about what your thoughts are about that.

[maew]

Years ago I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, in addition to Bipolar 2.

 

I was placed on meds, which helped but caused side effects I didn't like, so went off them and learned to manage on my own.

 

I do Yoga and run, I eat healthy and distance myself from those things or people that cause my anxiety to increase.

 

I still have episodes sometimes, not as often as I used to, but as I said I manage on my own. Yoga works wonders, centers me and keeps me calm, so does running or any sort of vigorous exercise.

 

And what's very important to me, is that when someone's behavior or words are actually causing me to feel anxious, I distance myself from that person.

 

Just some things to consider other than the standard medication or CMT, etc.

 

While I applaud you for your determination and perseverance Kat I also don’t think this is the norm for most people with that diagnosis. I know many that have tried to self manage their symptoms only to crash and burn, sometimes beyond repair.

 

OP if you have tried the conventional ways of managing your anxiety and you are still exploding on others and so susceptible to manipulation in this way, what you are doing isn’t working and it’s time to seek more in depth help for your mental wellbeing.

[sosolaila89]

Just to answer your question, I don't see the silent treatment as a control tactic per se, its more a sign of immaturity.

 

A person who does this, has no idea how to have an adult conversation or how to deal with more difficult issue between two adults in a sensible and healthy manner.

 

Instead, they have to sulk, punish and shut off communication. That's what children do.

 

I 100% agree with you. Thank you for responding to my other thread. My other question is, how do you know whether it's the silent treatment or their way of breaking up with you?

[katrina1980]

 

It's not control, it's not damage, it's not deep, it's not mysterious. Those are stories to give it more weight. It's just childish. I don't care what happened to someone when they were a child; if this is how they deal with conflict, it's too childish for me, a grownup, to deal with. It means, sadly, we can't connect in the way I need to connect, because it means I have to grow into a strange shape to accommodate someone. It means, over time, that I will not feel like a partner but like a parent or a teacher—or maybe just like trash, or maybe like a child myself—if I choose to reward it.

 

 

While I don't disagree that it's immature and childish, I am having trouble understanding why this would not be considered a form of control in your opinion bluecastle.

 

My understanding of the silent treatment is this (below) which is identical to what I've read in other articles/journals and what my own therapist advised me, years back when I was in therapy.

 

>>Silent treatment (often referred to as the silent treatment) is refusal to communicate verbally with someone who desires the communication. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour. It may be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence. Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment.

 

From what sosol has posted, I interpret her bf's behaviour as the most severe form of the silent treatment. Which according to above is abusive controlling behaviour.

[sosolaila89]

While I applaud you for your determination and perseverance Kat I also don’t think this is the norm for most people with that diagnosis. I know many that have tried to self manage their symptoms only to crash and burn, sometimes beyond repair.

 

OP if you have tried the conventional ways of managing your anxiety and you are still exploding on others and so susceptible to manipulation in this way, what you are doing isn’t working and it’s time to seek more in depth help for your mental wellbeing.

 

This is the first time I've done this in a while. I didn't even flip out. I asked, "Is there someone else you're seeing or are you strictly busy with work? I have told you that I love you twice today but no answer when you've just responded to me a second ago. Are you upset with me? Stressed? Angry? Busy? What's wrong?"

 

I didn't shout, I didn't say it with an attitude. I simply just wanted answers. This resulted in the silent treatment. I'm a very calm and understanding person but I felt my boyfriend was being physically distant with me. I didn't understand why because he was still very loving through text/calls. He was his normal self. It just felt like he was too busy working and had no time for me and wasn't making any time, even if it were for 15 minutes.

 

The last time I actually exploded was almost 3 years ago. I completely changed and did a 360. This thing he does with "punishing" me started 2 years ago. Might've been a year and a half ago, don't remember. Not sure why he all of a sudden started doing this but I do agree with SherrySher that it is in fact to punish me, shut off communication and sulk.

 

I also do agree that it has a lot to do with immaturity. This is why I constantly keep bringing up his mental illness because it's a result of a terrible childhood where he didn't have the chance to be a kid. He always wondered why he wasn't loved and cared for like other kids were. Living on a street up until 12 years, actually up until his grandma who adopted him, died. He acts out in ways that a child would act if a child didn't get their way or a birthday cake. Hell he even gets really sad if I said I cannot buy him a toy. He collects toys. It's just hearing "no" or "you're being bad" in another way without exactly saying that, upsets him.

[saluk]

I 100% agree with you. Thank you for responding to my other thread. My other question is, how do you know whether it's the silent treatment or their way of breaking up with you?

 

You ask these things like there is a general answer that always works. None of us are in the mind of your bf. From what you've said about him - if he were to break up with you I wouldn't be surprised if he did it through silent treatment. So I don't see how you CAN know. You are dating someone for whom the only thing you can be certain about is that they are unpredictable.

 

He may not even know whether this current silent treatment is a break up or not. Maybe you should choose an amount of time - if the silence continues past a a certain point, you may as well consider it a breakup. What amount of time sounds right to you?

[sosolaila89]

Honestly, I am not sure.

[sosolaila89]

 

My personal prayer for you sosol is that someday you will realize your value and worth and seek out a more healthy, loving and functional way of interacting in your relationship(s) and find peace within.

 

Take good care. xx

 

Thank you, Katrina!

[saluk]

Honestly, I am not sure.

 

May I suggest 2 weeks after the start of the silent treatment, you consider it a breakup. Any silence more than, say, 3 days would be unacceptable to me. I would break up with someone who is treating me that way on purpose because it shows that they do not care about how I feel. Considering you have already accepted this behavior in the past though it's harder to say. What is the longest the silence has lasted?

 

Anyway, I don't think 2 weeks could mean anything else. At that point it's not a silent treatment - he just doesn't want to or is unable to talk to you anymore. There is no such thing as a relationship when communication has broken down that far.

 

Do you know he's alive?

[sosolaila89]

sosol, I am curious to know, and if you don't feel comfortable answering, I respect that.

 

But would you consider your relationship a Dom/Sub type of relationship? Him being the dominant, you being the submissive of course.

 

Reason I ask is (1) the begging and your obliging/submitting, (2) it appears he controls the entire dynamic, you "happily" or even unhappily go along with it, excusing/justifying and (3) and most important, it appears you have relinquished your entire identity (submissive) and become some sort of extension of him (the dominant).

 

Your relationship has become all about his needs, his wants, his insecurities, his troubled childhood, it's all about HIM and you seem perfectly happy catering to that dynamic.

 

Not judging I promise, I was in a relationship very close to that, minus the silent treatments and manipulations.

 

So just curious about what your thoughts are about that.

 

Actually, I'm happy that you brought that up. I am quite submissive and I'm only into dominant men. He knows this. I'm the type of woman who wants to cater to my man. Cook, clean, do laundry, mentally/emotionally be there for him, let him control me in the bedroom, just all around submit to him. I grew up in a home where the men were dominant and the women were submissive. This is all I want and all I know. I have tried to be in relationships where the man wasn't dominant and I didn't like it very much.

[SherrySher]

I 100% agree with you. Thank you for responding to my other thread. My other question is, how do you know whether it's the silent treatment or their way of breaking up with you?

 

Honestly, I'm not sure. It depends on each individual. For some it might just be the silent treatment, for others it might be a slow fade because they are too cowardly to break up properly.

 

Which one your boyfriend is, I'm not sure.

[sosolaila89]

May I suggest 2 weeks after the start of the silent treatment, you consider it a breakup. Any silence more than, say, 3 days would be unacceptable to me. I would break up with someone who is treating me that way on purpose because it shows that they do not care about how I feel. Considering you have already accepted this behavior in the past though it's harder to say. What is the longest the silence has lasted?

 

Anyway, I don't think 2 weeks could mean anything else. At that point it's not a silent treatment - he just doesn't want to or is unable to talk to you anymore. There is no such thing as a relationship when communication has broken down that far.

 

Do you know he's alive?

 

The very first time he's done this to me, it lasted one month. I didn't reach out to him at all. I lived my life. He came back to me on my birthday, crying and panicking. I asked why he would panic if he's the one who left? He said because he didn't think I'd actually leave. He was trying to see if I'd chase him. I said well you're wrong, I'm not going to chase you. Things were fine after that.

 

Then a year later, he went to 2 months without talking to me. He ended up calling me on his birthday. Anytime he leaves, he calls on a holiday or a birthday. I flipped out on him asking him not to call me anymore and that he can celebrate his birthday by himself. He started calling me every single day trying to get me back. He got me back.

 

Now his silent treatments will last a few hours/days. It hasn't gone as long as it used to, for a while.

[katrina1980]

Actually, I'm happy that you brought that up. I am quite submissive and I'm only into dominant men. He knows this. I'm the type of woman who wants to cater to my man. Cook, clean, do laundry, mentally/emotionally be there for him, let him control me in the bedroom, just all around submit to him. I grew up in a home where the men were dominant and the women were submissive. This is all I want and all I know. I have tried to be in relationships where the man wasn't dominant and I didn't like it very much.

 

Thank you for answering, this explains a lot.. At least it does for me.

 

Moving forward, I truly do wish you happiness and peace. :)

[sosolaila89]

Thank you for answering, this explains a lot.. At least it does for me.

 

Moving forward, I truly do wish you happiness and peace. :)

 

Thank you!

[bluecastle]

While I don't disagree that it's immature and childish, I am having trouble understanding why this would not be considered a form of control in your opinion bluecastle.

 

It's only control if it works. For it to work—well, that requires something in the other person to latch onto in an unhealthy way. Otherwise it's just immaturity.

 

Think about it if we were talking about a child. The child/teenager throws a tantrum, huffs and puffs in silence. A good parent—a parent who sees this simply as immaturity—does not buy a child a toy, provide tickets to Disneyland, prostrate at the feet of the child apologizing, or scream at the child in rage. The parent just sits there, unphased, a tower of maturity who can see the forest and not the trees.

 

It's different when it's an adult, of course. Still, it's only controlling if you allow it to control you. Or if, for whatever reasons, you want to be controlled, as soso seems to desire.

 

Here's the thing with the dom/sub stuff, if you want to go down that path. There is one way that that—when healthy—is a relationship of equals: the "safe word." Without the safe word it is basically abuse, or a dynamic conducive to abuse.

 

What's being described here sounds like a nonconsensual dom/sub dynamic without a safe word. He can whip her whenever he wants, however hard as he wants, proverbially, and she has no say in the matter—the whipping, in this case, being going silent.

[sosolaila89]

It's only control if it works. For it to work—well, that requires something in the other person to latch onto in an unhealthy way. Otherwise it's just immaturity.

 

Think about it if we were talking about a child. The child/teenager throws a tantrum, huffs and puffs in silence. A good parent—a parent who sees this simply as immaturity—does not buy a child a toy, provide tickets to Disneyland, prostrate at the feet of the child apologizing, or scream at the child in rage. The parent just sits there, unphased, a tower of maturity who can see the forest and not the trees.

 

It's different when it's an adult, of course. Still, it's only controlling if you allow it to control you. Or if, for whatever reasons, you want to be controlled, as soso seems to desire.

 

Here's the thing with the dom/sub stuff, if you want to go down that path. There is one way that that—when healthy—is a relationship of equals: the "safe word." Without the safe word it is basically abuse, or a dynamic conducive to abuse.

 

What's being described here sounds like a nonconsensual dom/sub dynamic without a safe word. He can whip her whenever he wants, however hard as he wants, proverbially, and she has no say in the matter—the whipping, in this case, being going silent.

 

That makes tons of sense.

[katrina1980]

 

What's being described here sounds like a nonconsensual dom/sub dynamic without a safe word. He can whip her whenever he wants, however hard as he wants, proverbially, and she has no say in the matter—the whipping, in this case, being going silent.

 

I understand the "safe word" (my ex and I had this sort of dynamic) but clearly sosol and her "boyfriend" do not, but she chooses to consent regardless. Her posts on this entire thread suggest that.

 

She may complain but it appears she will happily accept him back once he decides to stop punishing her by withdrawing and whatever other methods he uses to punish.

 

So to me, that's consenting. If you don't agree, of course I respect that.

 

Look I sort of understand her mindset; this dom/sub dynamic is familiar to her, she's comfortable with it as it was what she experienced growing up.

 

I understand this, I grew up with an extremely dominant and controlling mother, who imposed all sorts of punishments on me when she was "displeased" with me, from chopping off my hair, locking me in small closets for hours, forcing me to clean the house when I was home from school sick to, yeah, you guessed it -- silent treatments wherein she would not speak to me at all.

 

It was all very calculated to elicit a reaction from me, which was never good and is probably what contributed to my developing an anxiety disorder and perhaps even my bipolar.

 

It's probably also what drew to my ex in some respects, the dom/sub aspect of it although he never imposed the sorts of "punishments" sosol's bf does.

 

After we broke up, I went through a major transformation -- private therapy, support groups, self-reflection, introspection, tons of reading good reputable books by reputable authors, experimenting with different styles of dating, all which led me to where I am today. That "safe" place.

 

sosol, I hope someday you will get to that safe place too, you will when you're ready.

[sosolaila89]

I understand the "safe word" (my ex and I had this sort of dynamic) but clearly sosol and her "boyfriend" do not, but she chooses to consent regardless. Her posts on this entire thread suggest that.

 

She may complain but it appears she will happily accept him back once he decides to stop punishing her by withdrawing and whatever other methods he uses to punish.

 

So to me, that's consenting. If you don't agree, of course I respect that.

 

Look I sort of understand her mindset; this dynamic is familiar to her, she's comfortable with it as it was what she experienced growing up.

 

I understand this, I grew up with an extremely dominant and controlling mother, who imposed all sorts of punishments on me when she was "displeased" with me, from chopping off my hair, locking me in small closets for hours, forcing me to clean the house when I was home from school sick to, yeah, you guessed it -- silent treatments wherein she would not speak to me at all.

 

It was all very calculated to elicit a reaction from me, which was never good and is probably what contributed to my developing an anxiety disorder and perhaps even my bipolar.

 

It's probably also what drew to my ex in some respects, the dom/sub aspect of it although he never imposed the sorts of "punishments" sosol's bf does.

 

After we broke up, I went through a major transformation -- private therapy, support groups, self-reflection, introspection, tons of reading good reputable books by reputable authors, experimenting with different styles of dating, all which led me to where I am today. That "safe" place.

 

sosol, I hope someday you will get to that safe place too, you will when you're ready.

 

I agree with you and you're 100% right. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. We originally had plans tomorrow, this is why he came back from Wisconsin and took a week off to spend it with me. Now the silent treatment. If he doesn't come back tomorrow or day after, would that mean he never will? Or that doesn't necessarily mean anything?

[bluecastle]

If he doesn't come back tomorrow or day after, would that mean he never will? Or that doesn't necessarily mean anything?

 

No one can answer these questions. If he doesn't come back tomorrow or the day after it means...he did not come back tomorrow or the day after. To know it's "never" you'll have to wait "forever" and you can update us in 50 years.

 

I don't mean that to sound flip. He's got you out of your mind right now, your logic distorted. I'm not that rich, but I'd confidently put $10,000 on him coming back. He'll do it..when he feels like it.

 

He is not thinking about you right now, at least not the way you're thinking about him. Probably he rarely thinks about you in the way you think about him, and what makes moments like this hard is that they highlight that—the massive divide between you two that you sometimes think is just a slight crack.

[katrina1980]

I don't know but one thing is certain -- he's no doubt feeling quite powerful and may even be getting a kick, cheap thrill out of how your brain is spinning round and the pain you are experiencing wondering whether he is returning or not.

 

Which after seven years, he knows is exactly what's happening. And it's quite intentional.

 

It's so cruel soso, but not gonna tell you to leave since I know that advice will fall on deaf ears.

 

For now, just live your life and stop wondering about it, letting it control you and consume you.

 

Life is way too short for all that bs, choose to love you, choose to be happy, choose to be at peace instead.

 

Choose that safe place versus this chaotic mess of a place you are currently in.

 

Your choice.

[sosolaila89]

I don't know but one thing is certain -- he's no doubt feeling quite powerful and may even be getting a kick, cheap thrill out of how your brain is spinning round and the pain you are experiencing wondering whether he is returning or not.

 

Which after seven years, he knows is exactly what's happening. And it's quite intentional.

 

It's so cruel soso, but not gonna tell you to leave since I know that advice will fall on deaf ears.

 

For now, just live your life and stop wondering about it, letting it control you and consume you.

 

Life is way too short for all that bs, choose to love you, choose to be happy and at peace instead.!

 

Yeah, I haven't reached out at all. It's been 4 days and I'm really standing my ground. Just thought I'd come on here and panic lol. He doesn't know I'm panicking though. Or maybe he does, who knows. I just hope through 4th of July, I stand my ground too. This is going to be tough. I might be back, posting another question, panicking lol. Bare with me...