Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Aww Reality. So, so sorry about your mom.

[Realitynut]

Thanks....I thought about telling Silverbirch....but then....ugh. I guess it was just too personal. I just wanted to explain why I was EXTRA negative.

 

Yes...Mom found out she had colon cancer 6 weeks before she died. A week later...surgery. Found out it had spread to her lungs and liver...so a death sentence. She wasn't young....but hearing that, she became very depressed....naturally.

 

So even tho we were prepared....and she had been going downhill physically for years ....6 weeks from finding out you have cancer....to dying...is awfully sudden.

 

Hugs to you faraday and your mom....

[faraday]

Thanks....I thought about telling Silverbirch....but then....ugh. I guess it was just too personal. I just wanted to explain why I was EXTRA negative.

 

Yes...Mom found out she had colon cancer 6 weeks before she died. A week later...surgery. Found out it had spread to her lungs and liver...so a death sentence. She wasn't young....but hearing that, she became very depressed....naturally.

 

So even tho we were prepared....and she had been going downhill physically for years ....6 weeks from finding out you have cancer....to dying...is awfully sudden.

 

Hugs to you faraday and your mom....

 

I cried last night when I read this. I couldn't respond right away, it's too close.

 

I'm sorry that she went undiagnosed for all those years...and I'm so sorry for her loss.

 

It happened similar to my grandfather...he found out he had brain cancer and 6 weeks later he was gone. He had enough of a chance to say goodbye to everyone, and thankfully he didn't endure months of chemo...but at 6 weeks, it's still a shock. You're still not used to the idea of cancer, let alone accepting of death.

 

I'm so sorry Realitynut.

 

Damnit I'm crying again.

 

F cancer. F cancer so much.

[John John]

 

F cancer. F cancer so much.

 

The only thing I hate more than being single is cancer. In some ways, cancer has already taken my mom from me. Yesterday I told her that the only time I feel like she has anything to do with me these days (long story) is when I give her back massages because her back is always in pain. I think she took it to heart. I fell asleep on the couch with my family yesterday, and she got a blanket and covered me. Was the nicest thing she's done for me in a while.

 

I f#%king hate cancer so much.

[John John]

It's always easier to tell others to 'suck it up' when you have someone. It's easy to be independent when you know you HAVE a bf...even if it's not daily. YOU KNOW he'll be there on the weekend....or when you want to do something. It's easy to tell other's to be independent when they can relax knowing hey...I got a guy...but I"M INDEPENDENT I don't NEED a man. (but funny they have one!) heard that until my ears were bleeding.

 

 

 

For those that don't have anyone to talk to, to be with, to love and to hold.....knowing that someone cares for you....that every damn weekend is going to be lonely.....that's the people that come on here crying out of loneliness.

 

And then those that are in a relationship....or married for umpteen years, can spew forth their dialog of wisdom on loving yourself....you don't need a man...mantra.

 

Dang I hate weekends.

 

 

Realitynut...I know E X A C T L Y how you feel. Even the bible says we aren't meant to be alone lol I think all of these "you don't need anyone/be happy on your own/be independent/love yourself" mantras are well-meaning, but were create to comfort those of us who are alone. Because what else are people going to say?

 

I just wish that people in relationships would acknowledge that it does suck to be single, being lonely sucks, and that yeah, they are (generally) happier in good relationships. I know so many people who were just as miserable/lonely when they were single...and now that they have someone, they love life, they're more confident, not lonely, "independent" (lol), etc. There's a lot of hypocrisy out there, but for the most part (especially on here), people do mean well.

 

At the end of the day, no matter what bs mantras people will say...people need people. People (especially when already in relationships/married - for fear of appearing weak or dependent) don't want to admit this out loud, but they do. Some people are truly loners and enjoy being alone, but I feel like the vast majority are not like this.

 

I'm not a religious person at all, but the bible even says we aren't meant to be alone. Maybe people who spew the usual bs mantras can chew on that. And reality, I agree...weekends royally suck when you're single. Because you have to plan a million things to keep yourself busy, and often (and understandably) your friends just do things with their bfs/gfs, so you end up alone regardless.

[reinventmyself]

There is no denying that humans need other human contact. Hands down.

There is something to be said about being comfortable in the interim. It makes it tolerable. Being comfortable alone allows you to make better decisions in choosing partners, because you do so out of a place of want and not so much from a place of need. Enough said, at least for me.

 

Having said that, I got chills from all of you who have lost family members to cancer. It's such an insidious disease. I am fortunate because outside of a great aunt, cancer has not touched my family. I have had friends and their families affected.

I just can't find the words. ((hugs)) to all of you and your precious loved ones.

[reinventmyself]

. .the plumber comes in to fix the shut off valve under the sink.(work) I escort him to another floor where and I start to tell him the issue and he dismisses me. 10 minutes later he calls me from the lunch room and reports that he can't find the leak.

 

Me: 'there was never a leak, would you like me to come up and explain what the issue is NOW?'

I go back up to the original floor and by the time I get there he tells me: " the valve isn't working" (duh)

 

On my way to the other floor for the second time, my boss sees me annoyed and tell him I am returning the 9th floor to tell the plumber who originally dismissed me, what the problem is with the sink and why he's here.

My boss proceeds to explain to me in detail that the valve doesn't work like I am stupid.

(it's his own insecurity that makes him do this to me)

I roll my eyes and literally walk away from him mid sentence, exasperated. And . . it's only Monday morning.

 

I can't help but think if I was a man, I would have two entirely different responses.

I've been doing this for 14 years.

I know what I am doing. Grrrr

I love my job but it's this kinda stuff I run into daily that makes me nash my teeth. That and the personalities.

[reinventmyself]

I guess I should give this guy a letter name, 'K' -because he's back again. After cancelling last week with the weak excuse I wasn't feeling well, he text me on Sunday asking me to dinner. Late notice while I am trying to remember how to put the bike rack on my car to leave for the day, so I thanked him and declined.

 

Yesterday he asks me to meet him Wed, after work and I agreed. He also asked if I was interested in the Blue Festival that's near us and I said I was. It's for 3 days this weekend and he wasn't firm on which one and I didn't ask. So that's up in the air.

 

Again, I feel like I am pushing myself. But I will meet him for a glass of wine. This I can do.

 

I hate that I still miss S. I had to get out my list and reread it last night.

[faraday]

It takes a while to stop missing them. Just keep reminding yourself why he's a "no."

 

One day reinvent, you're going to look back on this and be so thankful that you got out.

[reinventmyself]

It takes a while to stop missing them. Just keep reminding yourself why he's a "no."

 

One day reinvent, you're going to look back on this and be so thankful that you got out.

 

I hope so. My head gets it, my heart is a little slow to catch up

Thx faraday ;}

[Ms Darcy]

Realitynut, Faraday, JJ .... I am so sorry about your mothers. No words. I really hope things get better for you guys. Many hugs.

 

Thinking about the bible and being alone. My grandma (and the rest of my family) grew up in a communal culture. She was sold into slavery/marriage when she was 12 (long story). Anyway, she had four children and raised them all on her own without an education and a strong belief in the bible. But she was never alone. Kids, cousins, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews .... Everyone was around and helping each other all the time. She had no interest in marrying again and was dismayed when my mom did marry my dad.

 

I don't mean to veer off topic, but there is something to be said about cultural context. Here in America (and probably Canada) it's more individualistic. You grow up, leave the nest, go to school, get a job, marry and have kids ... Something like that. I was born and raised in this culture but my parents and other family didn't.

 

I can totally understand how important romantic love is here. Both my husband and I live states away from our families. We adopt friends here, but it's not THAT level of familial closeness. Whereas in my "home" country yea people would marry but it was very much either a companionate type love or a business like arrangement. (And often the marriages would last because divorce is rare.) Or, you would see a lot of single (never married or widowed women) taking more prominent roles in the community. I could totally see myself there and never marrying and never feeling alone (lol because you NEVER are) because family is always there to support and gossip.

 

People were poor in money but rich in radiating love and care.

[reinventmyself]

So I met K for a glass of wine and a lite dinner last night.

I went in with a better attitude about it. Not sure why, just in a better mood overall I suppose.

 

I had a therapy session the night before and we had addressed the red flags in the beginning I overlook and the irony that in the end it's those very red flags that end up being the demise of my relationships. Or maybe not so ironic ;/

 

With both S and M the red flags were their apparent insecurities and passiveness that were noticeable on our very first dates.

And in the end the very things that killed it.

 

I have to say K did well, even under the microscope.

It helps that I knew a little bit about him from having dated him in 2012 for a handful of times.

He's confident, talkative and charming. But not too much. He doesn't try too hard and since our first lunch (this round) almost a month ago his communication has been slow and consistent. I hear from him maybe once a week.

 

We have a lot in common. He loves live music and that's almost a hobby of mine. He's quite a foodie and loves to cook.

He has a lot of friends and is out and about almost as much as I am. Maybe more.

 

So having said all that, my heart still feels closed. And I am ok with that.

I got a little peck and hug goodnight. Something I might exchange with my mom. I really prefer not to kiss a man unless I feel some sort of romantic, sexual tension and I am no where near that. But it was innocent enough so I would call it uneventful.

 

Funny when I recall my dating him previously. I think we went out 5 times and he never even tried to kiss me.

I was ok with that back then. We were mostly friends.

 

He was a little overweight at that time and I think now with his new trim physique it makes him a little more confident.

No doubt he's having no trouble finding dates.

 

I wrote previously that I am aware that he doesn't appear to be available on weekends. He had mentioned going to the jazz festival and when we were firming it up he suggested Sunday. After some thought I am more than ok with this. If he is indeed dating others, I feel less pressure on my end to be someone's priority.

So we are set for Sunday.

[WithLove]

I think.... if you're not making each other a priority (which you don't seem to be)... and you are purely looking for some male company to hang out with on occasion... then it's okay. But if he starts getting more attached, and you know you're not ready... that's when you back out.

 

I think it's good for you to get out and about with male company sometimes. As long as you're not making promises and bouncing checks your heart can't cash.

[reinventmyself]

I think.... if you're not making each other a priority (which you don't seem to be)... and you are purely looking for some male company to hang out with on occasion... then it's okay. But if he starts getting more attached, and you know you're not ready... that's when you back out.

 

I think it's good for you to get out and about with male company sometimes. As long as you're not making promises and bouncing checks your heart can't cash.

 

On my way to meet him I was thinking about the timing of all of this. If I a magic wand I would wish I ran into him maybe two months from now. But it's not how life works sometimes. I am not going to give it much more thought than this. Just trying to live in the moment.

[WithLove]

On my way to meet him I was thinking about the timing of all of this. If I a magic wand I would wish I ran into him maybe two months from now. But it's not how life works sometimes. I am not going to give it much more thought than this. Just trying to live in the moment.

 

I know exactly how you feel.... especially in regards to timing.... remember my up north friend? We've completely withdrawn from each other. Haven't spoken in over a month. Wrong timing completely.

 

Be kind to yourself, Reinvent... lean on your sons for support.... and go out with your girlfriends. Healing with come with time

[reinventmyself]

I know exactly how you feel.... especially in regards to timing.... remember my up north friend? We've completely withdrawn from each other. Haven't spoken in over a month. Wrong timing completely.

 

Be kind to yourself, Reinvent... lean on your sons for support.... and go out with your girlfriends. Healing with come with time

 

Thanks Withlove. Same to you

[reinventmyself]

I got a good morning text from K.

Very `date' or 'interest' like behavior.

 

Trying to not read too much into it.

 

It occurred to me (now reading too much into it, lol) with the absence of Fri, Sat invites I noticed he has been quick to wrap up on weeknights.

It's as if he turns into a pumpkin at 8:30.

 

It suddenly occurred to me that he could possibly have a girlfriend?

The nature of his business has him on call continuously and he brings up his phone and responds often.

Hmmm

 

Sunday will be telling.

As much as I don't want to be his priority, I don't want to be someone's secret either.

[gypsybird87]

Hi reinvent...

 

I'm enjoying reading your journal and considering starting one myself. Have you found it helpful/cathartic? Dating is so tricky but you seem to be navigating quite well. Keep living in the moment. I'm trying to do that as well.

[notalady]

A good morning text would indicate interest to me. I used to tell myself not to "read too much into it", but it turned out accurate every time. It's just a gut feel, I think you should trust it.

[reinventmyself]

Hi reinvent...

 

I'm enjoying reading your journal and considering starting one myself. Have you found it helpful/cathartic? Dating is so tricky but you seem to be navigating quite well. Keep living in the moment. I'm trying to do that as well.

 

Hi gypsybird,

Yes, I've journaled off and on throughout my life. It helps to sort things out and it becomes more apparent in writing. You've probably experienced it just posting on the board.

 

What's nice about doing it here is there is a smaller more intimate group that responds. It's like a small supportive community.

 

You aren't subjected to random posters who like to shots at you for sport.

 

It's also good because all your thoughts and experiences are in one place and you can go back see your progress.

 

I'll be looking for yours

[reinventmyself]

I went out with some friends last night and didn't sleep well. I went to pick up my prescription for Xanax and my doctors office hadn't authorized the dang refill so now Im stuck for the 3 day weekend.

I use Xanax for sleep. Sometimes, but rarely I can get by without, but dam* I woke up every hour or 30 minutes all night. At 4am I took some Tylenol pm and I am wide awake 2 hours later.

 

I resist moving over to Ambien or something like it. I hear too many stories. Just the other night my friend telling me she used to wake up and find things moved around in her house that suggested she was up in her sleep doing random things. That freaks me out. Hopefully I'll be tired enough tonight to sleep at least a little better than last night.

 

Today is the first Saturday in 2 months, since the break up that I wake up not anxious and sad. I am way behind on some household things like cleaning my patio and straightening my garage. I am actually feeling good about having a day alone. This is a huge improvement! Yay.

 

Friends I was with last night suggested bike rides and watching football later but honestly, I am not up for it. All my running around is catching up with me. Besides I don't care to do drinking activities on an almost daily basis.

 

Last night my friend had a young female friend join us. We had spent some time with her last weekend. She was telling me about her current and past relationships. She described her most recent ex as insecure and mistrusting and all the incidences that transpired between the two of them. I told her she just described my last relationship. I shared just a couple stories and I am often caught off guard again when someone else's reactions to my personal experience are much stronger than mine ever were.

"That's f'd up!" was one of her responses to my story.

 

It's a reminder of how much I excuse the behavior in the moment. It's hard to explain but it's a profound lesson. I have to look for others to tell me how wrong it is when I ought to know better myself.

 

With distance and objectivity I am able to go back to the time during my relationship and feel how on edge I was. Always monitoring what I said and what I did.

The young girl last night was describing the same exact thing.

 

That's all I got. . .for now. Back to my coffee.

[Sportster2005]

 

Today is the first Saturday in 2 months, since the break up that I wake up not anxious and sad. I am way behind on some household things like cleaning my patio and straightening my garage. I am actually feeling good about having a day alone. This is a huge improvement! Yay.

 

 

Awesome. Once the momentum turns, it seems to accelerate. Good to hear

[reinventmyself]

I enjoyed my date yesterday. He picked me up at 1:15 and we spent almost 4 hours at the blues festival. From there we left and went out to dinner.

In keeping with his pattern, he drops me off, kisses me by his car, does not walk me to my door and dashes off like he's about to catch on fire. It's still light outside.

lol

 

I know he has a current old profile on the website we met 4 years ago. Mine is inactive and hidden, yet I can view. I don't consider it a good sign when a man kisses you goodnight and within 5 minutes is logging onto his account. But at the same time he extended an invitation a couple times to bbq today if I didn't do anything with my friends. Seeing I am getting conflicting vibes from him, I'll pass on today but still keep the door open.

 

I am reminded of his personal history. He didn't get married until he was 37 and it lasted 3 years. He's got some very spotty relationship history that might suggest some unavailability. Dunno.

 

I think it's more about me creating some distance so I don't have any expectations, if that makes sense.

Hoping to golf with my friends today.

 

This extended weekend is rough without my prescription for sleep aid. Aaargh, another night of waking up every 30 mins and eventually just giving up. *Miserable

[reinventmyself]

I was torn between telling K I couldn't come over to bbq. He said it in passing a couple times.

At first I wasn't going to say anything and just let it go. But I realized that had I not known he logged on mere moments from dropping me off, letting him know I made other plans would be the considerate thing to do.

I decided not to be pissy about it and thank him for the invite and I'd talk to him soon.

He responded commenting how thoughtful I was, so being a big girl was the right thing to do afterall.

 

I went shopping and out to lunch with a friend and here I am on the couch with a stomach ache and fever!

I thought you weren't supposed to get sick on a holiday.

It's early afternoon and I'm afraid to fall asleep even tho I don't feel well.

Scared to death I'll be up all night again.

[Batya33]

I'm really sorry you're not feeling well. Do you typically take any meds for a stomach issue? Ginger tea really helps.