Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Your example about 4th July reminds me of my ex, the amount of times when things were good, when it was meant to be a time for happiness and celebration, when I was relaxed and let my guard down, BAM he'd create some kind of drama in which I've somehow spoken to him in the wrong tone / made the wrong joke / forgot to change the toilet paper ONCE / put a glass of water on a glass top table without wiping it first / done one thing or another wrong, and we spend hours trying to explain ourselves and sorting it out, and it completely ruins what was meant to be a good time.

 

Sometimes I think that's a good sign that a relationship isn't working, that is, when things are going well, there always seem to be conflicts pulling the relationship back. Like one step forward two steps back.

 

Notalady, Was this the guy previous to your boyfriend now that you spoke of here or someone else?

How long were you with him?

[notalady]

Notalady, Was this the guy previous to your boyfriend now that you spoke of here or someone else?

How long were you with him?

 

This was the one before Z, I did speak of him before here and there, I think I called him C occasionally. He was my second LTR, first being when I was 19-20, this was when I was 26. We were together for 2.5 years but in hindsight I should've followed through on my attempt to break up with him on our one year anniversary where he got offended about a joke I made and I just had enough. But we ended up talking it out. Actually he's what brought me to ENA, if you look at my first two posts ever, it was asking for advice about C, advice on here was what also pushed me to break up with him at one year, but of course I didn't follow though.

 

If I was a savvy dater, I would've broke up with him after 3-4 months. He was already showing red flags then about his insecurities (not about women though just in general) and our incompatible personality. But I didn't really think in those terms back then, I believed in working things out. I still do now but I've learned from then that fundamental things can't be worked out.

[Sportster2005]

 

We woke up the next morning pretty much at the same time. I barely slept. I started crying and he hugged me. I remember telling him

"I love you S, but I am not here to hurt you and I don't know what's going on. I can't believe I am at this point in my life and I am sleeping next to an angry man in my bed who won't touch me and I don't know how to make this better"

 

It sounds like you were always going to be setup for failure. How this guy could take a perfectly good day and turn it around like this borders on cruelty. Hope you're healing revinvent and getting some relief from the heartache.

[reinventmyself]

Thx Sporster. Hope you're doing better as well

[reinventmyself]

This was the one before Z, I did speak of him before here and there, I think I called him C occasionally. He was my second LTR, first being when I was 19-20, this was when I was 26. We were together for 2.5 years but in hindsight I should've followed through on my attempt to break up with him on our one year anniversary where he got offended about a joke I made and I just had enough. But we ended up talking it out. Actually he's what brought me to ENA, if you look at my first two posts ever, it was asking for advice about C, advice on here was what also pushed me to break up with him at one year, but of course I didn't follow though.

 

If I was a savvy dater, I would've broke up with him after 3-4 months. He was already showing red flags then about his insecurities (not about women though just in general) and our incompatible personality. But I didn't really think in those terms back then, I believed in working things out. I still do now but I've learned from then that fundamental things can't be worked out.

I'll have to go back and reread you experiences. So much to learn from all of this.

[polaris]

It's Friday slow day at work so I'll keep writing.

 

Our final argument:

 

 

He left saying we needed a breather.

The following day he said he needed to end it because `we couldn't resolve conflicts'

 

I'll admit that I've been on both sides of this before, and it's really not nice either side. He clearly felt insecure, probably as a result of something in his past or maybe just his character, and was (yet again) looking for something to reassure him (you to initiate sex at a specific time). You had no idea that he needed this very specific thing (how could you?). Once he didn't get it, it triggered his insecurity, and it was off to the races (I'm inclined to say once again; I'm assuming this was quite a regular fixture for you at this point?). Now he was in full insecurity mode, and essentially nothing you could say or do would be enough to reassure him, unless you came up with something really quite spectacular and over the top, and you shouldn't have to. He was literally inconsolable. You threw a lot of affection his way to try to make him feel better, but of course inadvertently it was feeding his insecurity and reinforcing his negative behaviour; he had learned that to get the attention from you he so craved he could throw a tantrum like this. It's utterly destructive behaviour on his part, but while he's in the moment, there is absolutely no way to see it. On your side, you really did your absolute best, but it was an impossible situation.

 

When I've been in your position, I've ended up losing patience with the other person and putting very clear limits on what I'll tolerate and for how long, and tried to avoid getting into that situation as much as possible. When I've been in his position, inevitably the relationship has broken up (and normally fairly quickly after the insecure behaviour started), and usually ended by the other person, but somewhat to my relief as well (after I'm healed at least).

 

What is clear is that there really wasn't anything you could have done here. The mistrustful passive aggressive insecurity ultimately cannot be satiated, and it would have crashed one way or the other in the end. I'm sorry you had to go through it.

[reinventmyself]

I'll admit that I've been on both sides of this before, and it's really not nice either side. He clearly felt insecure, probably as a result of something in his past or maybe just his character, and was (yet again) looking for something to reassure him (you to initiate sex at a specific time). You had no idea that he needed this very specific thing (how could you?). Once he didn't get it, it triggered his insecurity, and it was off to the races (I'm inclined to say once again; I'm assuming this was quite a regular fixture for you at this point?). Now he was in full insecurity mode, and essentially nothing you could say or do would be enough to reassure him, unless you came up with something really quite spectacular and over the top, and you shouldn't have to. He was literally inconsolable. You threw a lot of affection his way to try to make him feel better, but of course inadvertently it was feeding his insecurity and reinforcing his negative behaviour; he had learned that to get the attention from you he so craved he could throw a tantrum like this. It's utterly destructive behaviour on his part, but while he's in the moment, there is absolutely no way to see it. On your side, you really did your absolute best, but it was an impossible situation.

 

When I've been in your position, I've ended up losing patience with the other person and putting very clear limits on what I'll tolerate and for how long, and tried to avoid getting into that situation as much as possible. When I've been in his position, inevitably the relationship has broken up (and normally fairly quickly after the insecure behaviour started), and usually ended by the other person, but somewhat to my relief as well (after I'm healed at least).

 

What is clear is that there really wasn't anything you could have done here. The mistrustful passive aggressive insecurity ultimately cannot be satiated, and it would have crashed one way or the other in the end. I'm sorry you had to go through it.

Wow. .Do you have any idea how much money I could have saved seeing I paid my therapist who told me pretty much the same exact thing!?

Sadly, in those moments I am blindsided by such left field reactions that I wrestle so much with wanting to take responsibility for my part that I miss the point that

this had so much more to do with him than it did with me. I played a big part in it. . I do get that. I

I guess this is that lesson I needed to learn again and again because apparently the first couple times around the block was not enough.

This was just one of many episodes where I second guessed myself and accomodated to the madness.

Still mad that he was able to pull the preemptive strike and end it, when I should have ended it when I knew damn well in the beginning he was grooming me, so-to-speak.

Thanks for listening . . .I just need to purge this stuff.

Getting close to being done. . not yet, but close

[polaris]

Wow. .Do you have any idea how much money I could have saved seeing I paid my therapist who told me pretty much the same exact thing!?

Sadly, in those moments I am blindsided by such left field reactions that I wrestle so much with wanting to take responsibility for my part that I miss the point that

this had so much more to do with him than it did with me. I played a big part in it. . I do get that. I

I guess this is that lesson I needed to learn again and again because apparently the first couple times around the block was not enough.

This was just one of many episodes where I second guessed myself and accomodated to the madness.

Still mad that he was able to pull the preemptive strike and end it, when I should have ended it when I knew damn well in the beginning he was grooming me, so-to-speak.

Thanks for listening . . .I just need to purge this stuff.

Getting close to being done. . not yet, but close

 

LOL! I guess it comes from having experienced both sides of it, and being able to look at the situation more objectively afterwards.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it; the MO of the insecure person seeking reassurance is precisely to make you feel like it's your problem, that if only you would offer one more thing then they will feel okay, and if you don't, then you're being cold and selfish. It makes you doubt yourself, and you don't want the conflict, so you try to fix it by offering that one thing, it sounds so reasonable. Problem is, that thing didn't work or wasn't enough, and you're told you need to offer just one more thing. That doesn't work either, though, and then it's constantly just a bit more, just a bit more. Sometimes it will seem like enough, but then it will blow up again and they'll need more, and more, and eventually you get to a point where your own self-confidence is shattered and you're being made to feel like a terrible person because you can't seem to make the other person happy no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, the other person has something specific in mind that they want from you and will keep going until they get it (if you happen to successfully guess what it is), sometimes nothing at all will satisfy them and it will literally keep going until you run out of options or run out of patience. It's no good appealing to the goodwill of the other party in this situation, either; they are in a very bad place during this, the misery you see in them is very real. It's not conscious manipulation (in most cases anyway), it's that they genuinely feel like they need rescuing, and are oblivious to the fact that there is nothing you can do that will actually rescue them. In the end, only you can shut it down; you have to choose what you think is a normal/reasonable level of reassurance, draw the line there, and not budge no matter how upset they get. You'll feel guilty when you do it, but it's the only way out of that situation. If they're sensible, they'll acknowledge this after they've calmed down and returned to normality, and look to avoid getting in that state in future (and probably get therapy etc. to address the underlying insecurity). If they're not, it will keep happening. If it does, a break up is absolutely the only solution; fundamentally you're incompatible because they are unable to feel secure in the relationship because of their issues, not because of you.

 

So here's the mantra: it's not your fault. It really isn't your fault. There's nothing you could have done, and the break up is actually helping both of you ultimately, because it would have just kept happening over and over, and probably getting worse each time. It's his issue primarily, and he needs to address it in deep therapy, before he's fit to have a relationship with anyone. When I used to be like that, eventually one of my exes exploded at me and told me she was tired of being made to feel guilty and like crap all the time by my emotional demands, and couldn't stand being with me anymore. It was a real wake-up call for me, and I had a lot of therapy afterwards to explore the issues around my background to help me understand why I was like that and what I could do about it. I won't say I'm entirely "cured" - that's not really possible - but I know how to manage the situation and ultimately I know objectively what I regard as a reasonable standard of behaviour. It did come up again in my most recent break up, and I can hold up my hand to my part in that, but on the other hand my ex was definitely behaving in a way that crossed reasonable boundaries (essentially spending more time one on one with her ex than she did with me, and eventually rediscovering her feelings for him as a result, which I warned her would happen), so my insecurity was inevitably provoked by that. In your case, it sounds like you didn't do anything to provoke the insecurity, and so there was nothing you could have done to prevent the situation. The break up was inevitable, and ultimately, months away perhaps, you'll be thankful that it happened.

[LightWave93]

Don't beat yourself up over it; the MO of the insecure person seeking reassurance is precisely to make you feel like it's your problem, that if only you would offer one more thing then they will feel okay, and if you don't, then you're being cold and selfish. It makes you doubt yourself, and you don't want the conflict, so you try to fix it by offering that one thing, it sounds so reasonable. Problem is, that thing didn't work or wasn't enough, and you're told you need to offer just one more thing. That doesn't work either, though, and then it's constantly just a bit more, just a bit more. Sometimes it will seem like enough, but then it will blow up again and they'll need more, and more, and eventually you get to a point where your own self-confidence is shattered and you're being made to feel like a terrible person because you can't seem to make the other person happy no matter how hard you try. Sometimes, the other person has something specific in mind that they want from you and will keep going until they get it (if you happen to successfully guess what it is), sometimes nothing at all will satisfy them and it will literally keep going until you run out of options or run out of patience. It's no good appealing to the goodwill of the other party in this situation, either; they are in a very bad place during this, the misery you see in them is very real. It's not conscious manipulation (in most cases anyway), it's that they genuinely feel like they need rescuing, and are oblivious to the fact that there is nothing you can do that will actually rescue them. In the end, only you can shut it down; you have to choose what you think is a normal/reasonable level of reassurance, draw the line there, and not budge no matter how upset they get. You'll feel guilty when you do it, but it's the only way out of that situation. If they're sensible, they'll acknowledge this after they've calmed down and returned to normality, and look to avoid getting in that state in future (and probably get therapy etc. to address the underlying insecurity). If they're not, it will keep happening. If it does, a break up is absolutely the only solution; fundamentally you're incompatible because they are unable to feel secure in the relationship because of their issues, not because of you.

 

So here's the mantra: it's not your fault. It really isn't your fault. There's nothing you could have done, and the break up is actually helping both of you ultimately, because it would have just kept happening over and over, and probably getting worse each time. It's his issue primarily, and he needs to address it in deep therapy, before he's fit to have a relationship with anyone. When I used to be like that, eventually one of my exes exploded at me and told me she was tired of being made to feel guilty and like crap all the time by my emotional demands, and couldn't stand being with me anymore. It was a real wake-up call for me, and I had a lot of therapy afterwards to explore the issues around my background to help me understand why I was like that and what I could do about it. I won't say I'm entirely "cured" - that's not really possible - but I know how to manage the situation and ultimately I know objectively what I regard as a reasonable standard of behaviour. It did come up again in my most recent break up, and I can hold up my hand to my part in that, but on the other hand my ex was definitely behaving in a way that crossed reasonable boundaries (essentially spending more time one on one with her ex than she did with me, and eventually rediscovering her feelings for him as a result, which I warned her would happen), so my insecurity was inevitably provoked by that. In your case, it sounds like you didn't do anything to provoke the insecurity, and so there was nothing you could have done to prevent the situation. The break up was inevitable, and ultimately, months away perhaps, you'll be thankful that it happened.

 

Hands up, this reflects well on what happened in a previous relationship of mine (though to a much lesser degree, I think). The both of us were insecure to one degree or another and had our demons to confront, albeit we never did so things just fell apart. I'd like to think that, given time, things would have been okay...but that ship has long sailed. For me, I never felt I was making my partner happy. I tried doing everything to make her happy, to feel safe and secure about herself. Never worked. There would always be something else stopping her from being content. Like you said, it made me feel like a terrible person (I spent some nights crying myself to sleep because I felt like the worst partner ever), and it got to the point where the same would happen to me...because I just felt so bad, any attempt on her part to make me feel better was "never enough". Sex and communication were big issues for us and my partner at the time rarely initiated intimacy, I never once felt attractive throughout the entirety of our relationship, but that was an insecurity I had always had reinforced by certain behaviors. Definitely something I've worked on over the year, like you I've been to therapy, so I feel confident that next time will be much better in that regard.

 

@reinventmyself

 

It's unfortunate you had to go through that experience, I can't imagine what it would have felt like being in your shoes. Just know you did enough to make the situation better and, like polaris said, you did nothing to provoke that reaction from him. Unless he were to have sought professional help, nothing would have changed.

[reinventmyself]

Heartfelt thank you, Polaris and Lightwave

[reinventmyself]

Dialing way back to the beginning I commented here on the things he was buying me when we first started dating. Mostly things that would make me feel at home at his seeing I was 90 min's away and it almost always felt like I was out of town and not close enough to run home if needed.

I'll have to go back but a couple people, Notalady comes to mind cautioned me.

I think I knew it but actively chose to overlook it. To the extent that he was doing it gave me the indication he was compensating for something.

It became a game of sorts when I might make an innocuous comment about the creamer I liked, he raced out to buy it. I had my favorite type of pillow, my own robe, my favorite wine, natural cane sugar for my coffee, on and on.

No one can say that it isn't nice to have someone dote on you but to this degree it's an indication that they are compensating, compensating for something.

Instead of paying closer attention, I just playfully forbid him to buy anything more. To him it became more of a challenge.

 

It's only in the last couple days that given everything that he might have some insight, somewhere, that there is something fundamentally not ok with him.

Certainly not where personal relationships are concerned.

 

(heck, the same could be said for me)

[notalady]

Dialing way back to the beginning I commented here on the things he was buying me when we first started dating. Mostly things that would make me feel at home at his seeing I was 90 min's away and it almost always felt like I was out of town and not close enough to run home if needed.

I'll have to go back but a couple people, Notalady comes to mind cautioned me.

I think I knew it but actively chose to overlook it. To the extent that he was doing it gave me the indication he was compensating for something.

It became a game of sorts when I might make an innocuous comment about the creamer I liked, he raced out to buy it. I had my favorite type of pillow, my own robe, my favorite wine, natural cane sugar for my coffee, on and on.

No one can say that it isn't nice to have someone dote on you but to this degree it's an indication that they are compensating, compensating for something.

 

I do remember you mentioning this in the beginning and yes I did caution about it in some way.

 

I remember he bought you a hair straightener and pillow etc. yes I see them as yellow to red flags after my experience with my ex Z, but I mean realistically if it happened to me again, I don't know if it would cause me to break up with them right away, more just put me on notice to pay closer attention to their behaviour and slow things down.

[reinventmyself]

. . .yesterday was the first day in a month that I didn't cry. I just realized that.

I went to a concert Friday night with a friend. A couple sad ballads and I am crying in the dark like a baby.

I try not to hold back when I feel the need. It really feels like all the sadness leaves my body when I cry.

 

My mom is very stoic and unemotional. She gets uncomfortable being around those who express emotions.

It's a long story but it partly explains why I am the way I am.

I remember going through my divorce and while sharing with my mom what was going on, I started to cry. She gently

scolded me and told me 'no tears!'

I angrily responded 'No Mom, these are emotions. (pointing at my face) You should try them sometime'

 

These past couple weekends while I am spending time alone I often consider going to my mothers. She's close by.

It's interesting that I'd rather not. I love her and we have a good relationship but because I feel emotionally charged lately

being around her isn't what I need. She knows I am hurting and it makes her too uncomfortable. I just don't need that right now

[Ms Darcy]

One thing to reflect on is: how did it go on for so long if it was so bad?

 

I can certainly relate. I had a two-year relationship that was pretty bad, to say the least. I had to do some hard looks at myself, through therapy and self-help. Essentially it boiled down to fear that I couldn't do better with someone else/I couldn't find better in terms of what I was looking for (a reflection of low self-esteem).

 

I never really had the issue again after that because I learned how to leave early when there were red flags. I dated a great guy for a month, but after two red flags I was out. There's not much you can do to improve your relationships other than having a really strong picker and the ability to walk away. Yes, it may mean dealing with the loss of the person and being alone, but it's also very empowering.

[reinventmyself]

One thing to reflect on is: how did it go on for so long if it was so bad?

 

I can certainly relate. I had a two-year relationship that was pretty bad, to say the least. I had to do some hard looks at myself, through therapy and self-help. Essentially it boiled down to fear that I couldn't do better with someone else/I couldn't find better in terms of what I was looking for (a reflection of low self-esteem).

 

I never really had the issue again after that because I learned how to leave early when there were red flags. I dated a great guy for a month, but after two red flags I was out. There's not much you can do to improve your relationships other than having a really strong picker and the ability to walk away. Yes, it may mean dealing with the loss of the person and being alone, but it's also very empowering.

How did it go on so long? In all fairness we come here to vent about our challenges and it doesn't always represent the entire picture. Aside for the bad points, S had a lot of great qualities and in so many ways he had an incredibly great connection.

 

It lasted as long as it did probably due to the distance and the schedules. We didn't have the benefit of a day to day life. I think you tend to be on good behavior or the honeymoon period lasts a little longer in these arrangements. At the same time the arrangement triggered his insecurities.

 

That coupled with the lessons I needed to learn. I can see with S and B (my previous serious relationship) I was pretty proud of myself that when faced with challenges I knew how to speak up and hold my own. This is a great improvement for me. But where I went wrong was I thought I could manage it. In other words, B admitted he was controlling and in my own little way I figured it was manageable because I can't be controlled? Naïve, I know now. Because managing it doesn't mean it's no longer a problem. The battle just gets bigger and the controller gets even more frustrated and everyone is miserable.

 

Same with S. That's where I went wrong. I saw the signs early on.

We even addressed it straight on and he a least admitted it was his problem and if he was willing to work on it I thought I could manage my end. I gave him the benefit of doubt.

Another lesson learned.

 

My anxiety also tends to rule my world at times. I recognize I stay too long because having those necessary conflicts and leaving someone I am attached to gives me anxiety. I am better than I used to be but I have some way to go. Honestly this break up was bad enough that I would have gone back had he reached out. Anything to stop the anxiety. I know better but if you don't have anxiety to this degree it's hard to understand. Consider Lostloves situation. I understand her struggle because the anxiety coupled with a strong attachment isn't easily overcome.

[polaris]

Dialing way back to the beginning I commented here on the things he was buying me when we first started dating. Mostly things that would make me feel at home at his seeing I was 90 min's away and it almost always felt like I was out of town and not close enough to run home if needed.

I'll have to go back but a couple people, Notalady comes to mind cautioned me.

I think I knew it but actively chose to overlook it. To the extent that he was doing it gave me the indication he was compensating for something.

It became a game of sorts when I might make an innocuous comment about the creamer I liked, he raced out to buy it. I had my favorite type of pillow, my own robe, my favorite wine, natural cane sugar for my coffee, on and on.

No one can say that it isn't nice to have someone dote on you but to this degree it's an indication that they are compensating, compensating for something.

Instead of paying closer attention, I just playfully forbid him to buy anything more. To him it became more of a challenge.

 

It's only in the last couple days that given everything that he might have some insight, somewhere, that there is something fundamentally not ok with him.

Certainly not where personal relationships are concerned.

 

(heck, the same could be said for me)

 

I do remember you mentioning this in the beginning and yes I did caution about it in some way.

 

I remember he bought you a hair straightener and pillow etc. yes I see them as yellow to red flags after my experience with my ex Z, but I mean realistically if it happened to me again, I don't know if it would cause me to break up with them right away, more just put me on notice to pay closer attention to their behaviour and slow things down.

 

These are astute observations. In my experience, even the most empathetic people still primarily engage in what I call mirror behaviour. That is, they behave in a way that they would like their partner to behave towards them. For example, if you want more affection from a partner, you tend to be more affectionate, or if you want them to do more around the house, you start to do more around the house in front of them. It's leading by example, if you like. When someone goes to unusual lengths to try and impress you or make you feel happy early on, you can see it as a reasonable indication that this is what they want from you as well, and sooner or later that's going to come out. If they have really gone above and beyond, it may indicate that they have expectations themselves which are ultimately going to be impossible to meet. I agree with the comment that it wouldn't/shouldn't necessarily cause a break up straight away (it wouldn't with me either), as they might be just be going OTT with the early infatuation, and these are after all quite nice things to have someone do for you, but it would certainly alert me to the possibility that someone is going to become very emotionally demanding somewhere down the line.

 

The obvious question that follows is: if you do encounter that, can you do anything about it? Probably not, but thinking back to when I used to be like that, I would say that remaining relatively cool early on, so that you don't back off at any point later on, would be one to try. People who are very insecure and have attachment issues are hyper-alert to any possible sign of backing off, and the natural cooling after the initial honeymoon phase is consequently a form of torture for them, and inevitably leads to fights. I'm not sure that's really a viable long-term strategy, mind you, and I suspect these problems will out one or the other over time, but it's all I can think of at the moment.

[reinventmyself]

I got through the weekend and in comparison to the last couple it was better.

 

I spent Saturday running errands for a week long trip I have next week. I hadn't slept well the night before so I laid down around 5 for quick nap with the plan to go out that evening. I dozed off and on and there I sat, wide awake at 9pm! I watched movies 'til 1 am and again, repeat from the day before. I don't sleep well and I am up early. It's turning out that I am sleeping in 2, 4 hour increments. It messes with me some and doesn't help my frame of mind. But I did ok overall.

 

My son came in from work yesterday morning and asked if I wanted to golf. Yes!! I was dressed, ready in 10 min's flat.

We had a nice day with lunch that followed and then he took off with his gf for the evening. I went by and visited with my mom and then back home by 6. My goal was to stay awake until 9 so I could have decent nights sleep.

 

I catch myself not thinking about S - 24/7 which is an improvement I need to acknowledge. We all know in those early stages the ruminating in excruciating! So I have acknowledge any and all improvement. It's a testimony that NC does really work. Never as fast as we might like it, but it does.

 

Interesting, I did ok this weekend, but his morning back at work I am in a funk and sad. Probably due to summers being our slow months here and I have way too much time on my hands and very little distraction.

My carpool partner was chatty this morning and I don't think I said 2 words.

 

My drive in I was honestly pondering reaching out ( I know, I know ) But I know better and the pull is strong at times.

I soooo get how drug addicts struggle with sobriety. I can't imagine how difficult that must be.

 

My mom has the ability to put doubts in my head. Hmmm. . last time I reached out, 2 weeks ago today was due to something my mom said the day before.

I may need to put more distance between me and my mother. . .Or definitely forgo giving her any updates on my personal life for now.

 

I was digging through my medicine cabinet and found some Lexapro my mom had given me. I didn't have my glasses on but this thing is a freakin' bucket! Maybe well over 200 tablets? I do better on antidepressants for anxiety but I don't like to take them. Especially while in relationship because they mess with my libido. But there they were, calling my name and I surrendered. So today, day 3 Lexapro. I know me. I'll give it a couple months and ditch them Well see. One day at a time.

[reinventmyself]

I saw my therapist last night. He's helping a lot and the more I talk about it I see how controlling S was and how much it was escalating.

I hold myself accountable to those times in the beginning that I should have walked.

 

The time he barked at me in a restaurant when I said that `I am fortunate to have a civil relationship with my ex for the sake of the kids'. He was wildly insecure about my ex for no apparent reason. He barked loud enough to draw attention from people around us that it was embarrassing. I was shocked and withdrew. I did tell him he was inappropriate and went too far. We tried talking about it on the way home but it turned into our first circular conflict that got no where. We got the house and I honestly wanted to leave but I had taken the train there and it was late. We sat in the dark for sometime and at one point he apologized. I thanked him for the apology and in turn he asked me if it made me feel better and why. I told him yes, because I felt that he heard me. In the dark, in a steely tone he said `So when I roll over and let you win, is that what makes you feel better?'

 

It's still disturbing to me, today and it says a whole lot about our dynamic and how he viewed me. Mind you we had only been dating about a month at this point. I told my therapist I couldn't leave. He in turn said I should have gotten an Uber (taxi) and gone to the nearest hotel. My therapist said the apology was never sincere and he took it right back to place me in double bind. Even asking how I felt about the apology was not ok.

 

We went on to talk about me and my struggles with relationships and my homework to read up on attachment styles. I have read it before and I might have guessed myself anxious attachment or avoidant but he said I better fit that of an ambivalent. It makes sense because I get that I am so conflicted in what I want out of a relationship. My desire and fear of intimacy. My choice in men, men that live far away. I want them close but not too close. I am fine on my own most of the time but anxious when I am unattached. UGH, it's exhausting. He said that the men I choose tend to want more than I can give. Not sure how to take that. Whether they want too much or I can't seem to give enough. I know I frustrate the heck out them, that I know for sure.

 

I leave Saturday for a week long trip. I am excited and nervous at the same time. We did this trip last year. 11 women in a hunting lodge in another state 8 hrs away. It was so much fun, so much that the organizer thought to make it bigger and better? If better is 17 women for 7 days instead of 5? Yikes! Some of the women added to this group are a little on the rowdy side so I am getting ready to fasten my seat belt. We have activities all week from golf, to white water rafting, ATV's, zip lining etc. I was nervous last year that 11 women could get along in close quarters for 5 days. This might be pushing it. Good thing is I can go to my room and hide with my laptop and watch Netflix or read if I need a break.

 

edit: I see I am repeating my S stories now. Maybe it's time to stop reliving them.

[browneyedgirl36]

I understand re-living those stories, especially early on, and sometimes it can actually be helpful in the moving on process. A friend once told me that a therapist told her that, whenever she thought of her ex and wanted him back or felt like she might give him another chance, she should think of the worst thing he ever did or said to her and how she felt when he did/said it. In her case, it was he ex chasing her with a pan of boiling cooking oil, trying to throw it on her! My "worst" incidents with my ex were all emotional -- no physical abuse -- but it still helped me to recall how bad his words/actions made me feel. It wasn't about villifying him to make myself feel better, but rather about reinforcing that he was entirely wrong for me. Now, I don't even remember most of the hurtful things he did/said -- I've forgotten them and/or blocked them out. At the time, though, early on, it was useful for me to remember them.

 

It's still early days for you. Gradually, these thoughts will fade, as will the need to re-tell various incidents from the relationship. Right now, though, I think it may be helping you to get past the sadness by recalling S more realistically (as opposed to only thinking of the good times).

 

Hang in there! Your trip will keep you occupied, for sure!

[reinventmyself]

It's still early days for you. Gradually, these thoughts will fade, as will the need to re-tell various incidents from the relationship. Right now, though, I think it may be helping you to get past the sadness by recalling S more realistically (as opposed to only thinking of the good times).

 

Hang in there! Your trip will keep you occupied, for sure!

 

Thanks BEG. It's weird in a way how much more impact they have on me today then they did in the moment and the subsequent times I've recalled them. It's also a little sad for me that I wasn't that impressed with it at time which just goes to show you how well trained I am at overlooking the obvious.

I also shared with my therapist that in the end I would share the stories with my closest friends and closely gage their reaction. It's as if I needed someone else to wear it so I could see how bad it was. It was validating for them to have such strong reactions to the events . . but a sad acknowledgement that after all I have been through in the past that I am still capable at stuffing things so well.

 

And your comment about emotional abuse. I think the more covert it is the more insidious. At least with physical abuse you have a mark to show for it. It all makes me really sad. My patterns are embarrassing and I am trying to not be hard on myself. Add to that I might have been tempted, just up until very recently, to return had he called.

[reinventmyself]

I've realized that in the last couple days and especially last night, that that anxiety it gone. I pressed myself a couple days and what the anxiety was telling me (because what I have learned is anxiety is something you are often avoiding) my anxiety is that little voice that is saying that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I get myself in these relationships that in order to stay I have to give up something of myself in order to stay. Instead of holding S fully accountable for his insecurities, I somehow make it more about me and something I am not doing right.

Outside of my poor choices and my inability to not only voice my boundaries but act to actually act on them, I make this more about me than fair.

I need to spread the responsibility fairly around. Anxiety gone!

[reinventmyself]

That brutally honest moment tonight, while driving home from my mothers and I am having one of those conversations with S that I will never have.

From day one I was discouraged by S's passiveness and comparing him to M. With his admission of being hurt in the past, I felt safe. It's that wounded bird analogy, that won't fly away with a broken wing.

That and being conflicted with his persona of all his titles, his life experiences and his physical presence. I was very intrigued.

 

In real life he was immensely insecure. In bed, he was intensely intoxicating and confident. It probably explains why we had such a great physical connection. My entire life I've been the middle of the road girl, sexually speaking. (I scratch your itch, you scratch mine) Neither one extreme or another. But with S, it was off the charts. I wanted that intoxicating S, but not the insecure S.

If I honestly ask myself today, if the physical aspect was lacking for us would I be inclined to invest as much effort as is took to maintain a LDR with someone so insecure? Did we have enough going for us outside the bedroom to maintain this? No. I factor all sorts of things in a partner and reasonably good sex life is high on the charts but not THE most important thing.

 

Was S my friend? No. If someone does not trust me and cannot hear me than they are not my friend. If I have to sensor myself in order for the other person to feel safe, then no, you are not my friend.

So in the end when he had a tantrum because I didn't read his mind that he wanted me to initiate sex with him and summed up the entire 8 months saying he felt insecure sexually with me, then I am at a total f'in loss.

[reinventmyself]

I met some girls tonight that I have developed friendships with through a meet up. I met the same group last week, rotating a couple different personalities in and out and on both occasions I am informed of new separations, impending divorces and fragile relationships. I am discouraged but at the same time does that represent the majority? I am clearly not alone but that doesn't comfort me. Driving home I imagine if I was surrounded by married couples the outcome would be different? I don't know anymore.

[faraday]

I met some girls tonight that I have developed friendships with through a meet up. I met the same group last week, rotating a couple different personalities in and out and on both occasions I am informed of new separations, impending divorces and fragile relationships. I am discouraged but at the same time does that represent the majority? I am clearly not alone but that doesn't comfort me. Driving home I imagine if I was surrounded by married couples the outcome would be different? I don't know anymore.

 

About 85% of my friends parents are still married...and seem quite happy. That's 35-40 years of marriage on average.

 

It gives me hope.

[reinventmyself]

About 85% of my friends parents are still married...and seem quite happy. That's 35-40 years of marriage on average.

 

It gives me hope.

I guess it's all relative. At least I hope so.