Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

that letter I won't send. . but oh so tempted. I am not afraid of saying any of this to him.

I just need to keep the close securely closed.

Just the thought of engaging him gives me anxiety:

 

 

 

I’ve had some time to be objective and reflect back on the past 8 months.

In the beginning you shared with me your insecurities and trust issues. I saw this a sign of strength and vulnerability.

 

In the end I see that it become mostly my job to accommodate to your insecurities. Yes, you worked on them but as I mentioned once before I think you just got better at hiding them. I knew this because you would say and do things that would give yourself away.

 

It was never my job to help you get over your insecurities. As a grown man, it was yours.

But the insecurity card is the very thing you used against me. It's just another form of control.

 

I can be sensitive to them, but to continually ask me to change my behavior to make you feel safe was wrong. That’s what you do to people who owe you restitution and have wronged you and want to re-earn your trust.

But you see, I never wronged you to being with.

 

I never once gave you any reason to not trust me, but I was accused of doing things and often inferred that I might and challenged about innocuous things that were never once remotely inappropriate.

 

The constant need for reassurance was exhausting, but I was determined.

I would no sooner acquiesce to a request and you would set the bar higher.

 

Those crazy making conversations where we would try to resolve a conflict - were all the root of some insecurity.

For you feelings are facts. There was no consoling you. It didn’t matter what I said, even if it was my own experience. I was damned.

I sensed the closer I got to the truth the harder you fought to throw me off.

 

I never stood chance.

I paid the price for everyone that disappointed you in the past and I naively thought if I loved you more than

anyone before me, you would trust me.

That isn’t what I signed up for, S. At least not knowingly.

 

You just don’t trust women.

And. . .I just happened to be one.

[Fudgie]

I wish I could like this. You've come such a long way. I love the way you ended your letter.

[reinventmyself]

I wish I could like this. You've come such a long way. I love the way you ended your letter.

 

I saw my therapist last night, can you tell?

Still hurts like heck. . but better than it was.

[John John]

that letter I won't send. . but oh so tempted. I am not afraid of saying any of this to him.

I just need to keep the close securely closed.

Just the thought of engaging him gives me anxiety:

 

 

 

I’ve had some time to be objective and reflect back on the past 8 months.

In the beginning you shared with me your insecurities and trust issues. I saw this a sign of strength and vulnerability.

 

In the end I see that it become mostly my job to accommodate to your insecurities. Yes, you worked on them but as I mentioned once before I think you just got better at hiding them. I knew this because you would say and do things that would give yourself away.

 

It was never my job to help you get over your insecurities. As a grown man, it was yours.

But the insecurity card is the very thing you used against me. It's just another form of control.

 

I can be sensitive to them, but to continually ask me to change my behavior to make you feel safe was wrong. That’s what you do to people who owe you restitution and have wronged you and want to re-earn your trust.

But you see, I never wronged you to being with.

 

I never once gave you any reason to not trust me, but I was accused of doing things and often inferred that I might and challenged about innocuous things that were never once remotely inappropriate.

 

The constant need for reassurance was exhausting, but I was determined.

I would no sooner acquiesce to a request and you would set the bar higher.

 

Those crazy making conversations where we would try to resolve a conflict - were all the root of some insecurity.

For you feelings are facts. There was no consoling you. It didn’t matter what I said, even if it was my own experience. I was damned.

I sensed the closer I got to the truth the harder you fought to throw me off.

 

I never stood chance.

I paid the price for everyone that disappointed you in the past and I naively thought if I loved you more than

anyone before me, you would trust me.

That isn’t what I signed up for, S. At least not knowingly.

 

You just don’t trust women.

And. . .I just happened to be one.

 

Damn reinvent, that is both very deep and very well written. Good for you on being able to get it out like that and "let go" the way you have.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks JJ . . I can talk the talk . .but my head is often way ahead of my heart.

but I am getting there.

Glad to see you back on board! Journals tend to be a safer place and a selective audience.

Hope we can be of some help. . .or annoyance In a good way of course.

[John John]

Thanks JJ . . I can talk the talk . .but my head is often way ahead of my heart.

but I am getting there.

Glad to see you back on board! Journals tend to be a safer place and a selective audience.

Hope we can be of some help. . .or annoyance In a good way of course.

 

I know exactly what you mean. My head knew my ex wasn't right for me and wanted so much to be over her so much sooner than my heart was. It just takes time.

 

Also, agreed regarding Journals being a "safer" place on here. I'm going to stick to the journals a bit more now as opposed to posting elsewhere. We're all here to help and annoy each other! lol

[reinventmyself]

I was just thinking to myself that today is the first day I haven't cried. Hmmm

 

I have a boss that is a complete knucklehead and drives me nutty. I spend most of my day trying to dodge him. Suffice to say I don't have a personal relationship with him. He happened to come in my office last week and he could tell I had been crying. I thought I pulled myself together before I returned to my office, but apparently not enough.

 

He just now caught me in the lunch room and asked me how my personal life was. (so out of character and borderline inappropriate)

I don't know how the convo went but he point blank asked me if I had broken up with my bf. I didn't say much, just confirmed it in three words or less. He tried to say something empathic. . I dunno

 

I get it was his attempt to be nice. . .but. .

Just got done boo hoo-ing in the phone room. . damn it. Damn him.

[WithLove]

*anger*

My understanding is that as you work through trauma, anger is a good sign. Anger means = movement.

We can get stuck in grief but once you've reached anger you are moving through it.

 

My therapist asking me once. `Soooo, when are you going to get angry??"

I recognize I often don't allow myself.

Childhood conditioning I suppose. But I see how it makes sense.

 

 

You're still in the part where you're blaming yourself for not recognizing the signs sooner. But you'll get better.

[reinventmyself]

You're still in the part where you're blaming yourself for not recognizing the signs sooner. But you'll get better.

 

Understatement!

It's like the two sides of myself are so far apart. It's hard to describe. I read and reread all the things he said and did. I pour over articles about insecure/jealous/controlling men and pay my therapist to tell me how wrong it all was to get some sort of validation.

Because for some reason I can't validate myself.

 

It's as it I am looking for that spell to be broken, but it hasn't happened yet.

 

My head won't catch up with my heart.

I do see some progress. . but it's just so slow and I get so frustrated with myself that I ought to know better.

[Silverbirch]

Don't know if I'm misinterpreting this, but it seems that my post - which was actually meant in support of you has offended. You. If this is right, it's unfortunate. If I have offended you, then Im outta here.

[reinventmyself]

Don't know if I'm misinterpreting this, but it seems that my post - which was actually meant in support of you has offended. You. If this is right, it's unfortunate. If I have offended you, then Im outta here.

Oh no darlin' I didn't take it that way at all.

Sorry if my response caused you to second guess anything you shared ((hugs))

[Sportster2005]

that letter I won't send. . but oh so tempted. I am not afraid of saying any of this to him.

I just need to keep the close securely closed.

Just the thought of engaging him gives me anxiety:

 

 

 

I’ve had some time to be objective and reflect back on the past 8 months.

In the beginning you shared with me your insecurities and trust issues. I saw this a sign of strength and vulnerability.

 

In the end I see that it become mostly my job to accommodate to your insecurities. Yes, you worked on them but as I mentioned once before I think you just got better at hiding them. I knew this because you would say and do things that would give yourself away.

 

It was never my job to help you get over your insecurities. As a grown man, it was yours.

But the insecurity card is the very thing you used against me. It's just another form of control.

 

I can be sensitive to them, but to continually ask me to change my behavior to make you feel safe was wrong. That’s what you do to people who owe you restitution and have wronged you and want to re-earn your trust.

But you see, I never wronged you to being with.

 

I never once gave you any reason to not trust me, but I was accused of doing things and often inferred that I might and challenged about innocuous things that were never once remotely inappropriate.

 

The constant need for reassurance was exhausting, but I was determined.

I would no sooner acquiesce to a request and you would set the bar higher.

 

Those crazy making conversations where we would try to resolve a conflict - were all the root of some insecurity.

For you feelings are facts. There was no consoling you. It didn’t matter what I said, even if it was my own experience. I was damned.

I sensed the closer I got to the truth the harder you fought to throw me off.

 

I never stood chance.

I paid the price for everyone that disappointed you in the past and I naively thought if I loved you more than

anyone before me, you would trust me.

That isn’t what I signed up for, S. At least not knowingly.

 

You just don’t trust women.

And. . .I just happened to be one.

 

This is heartbreaking on so many levels

 

Hope things turnaround revinvent. You seem like a sweet wonderful soul. You don't deserve any of that.

[superkatnip]

This is heartbreaking and strong and beautiful all at the same time. It made me cry.

[reinventmyself]

I am so touched by the thoughtful responses. Thank you.

 

I met up with some ladies last night. I met these women thru a meetup several years ago and the meetup has since been dissolved but a core 20 or so of us have a Facebook page and we get together once in awhile.

 

Last night, 8 of us. I think it's what I needed to help me turn a corner.

 

I love these ladies, despite our different ages and backgrounds we are a fabulously collective mix and really supportive.

Most did not know of the demise of my recent relationship and I really didn't feel up to sharing but as the night went on and everyone pretty much had something to share, I realized in my own small way that I am no where near unique. Nor am I alone. Everyone has their own private struggle and it's just that crazy thing we call life.

 

One young gal had the most to share as she just packed up a uhaul while her deadbeat husband of 5 years was a work. He came home to an empty house and divorce papers.

Everyone shared their past and present stories.

One friend reminded us of her husband blindsiding her after 30yrs and running off with his secretary. He hasn't spoken to his adult children since. He's never met his grandchildren

One woman's last time dating someone she met online and figured out after a year together that he was a sex addict.

One woman lost her husband several years ago and though she dates she can't find a man who has the same energy and zest for life she does.

One gal who didn't join us because she's in Hawaii with her bf of one year and posting all sorts of fabulous pictures of her romantic vacation. As it turns out this is this couples last 'hail mary' to see if this troubled relationship can be salvaged. I would have never guessed.

 

Sheeesh. . I sat there quietly assessing my own little pity party that is one month old today.

I will be ok. I am still sad but I'll be ok.

 

I don't think I'll ever understand why people can't seem to help but exercise their own demons out on the very person they give their heart to. None of it makes sense to me right now.

[LightWave93]

I’ve had some time to be objective and reflect back on the past 8 months.

In the beginning you shared with me your insecurities and trust issues. I saw this a sign of strength and vulnerability.

 

In the end I see that it become mostly my job to accommodate to your insecurities. Yes, you worked on them but as I mentioned once before I think you just got better at hiding them. I knew this because you would say and do things that would give yourself away.

 

It was never my job to help you get over your insecurities. As a grown man, it was yours.

But the insecurity card is the very thing you used against me. It's just another form of control.

 

I can be sensitive to them, but to continually ask me to change my behavior to make you feel safe was wrong. That’s what you do to people who owe you restitution and have wronged you and want to re-earn your trust.

But you see, I never wronged you to being with.

 

I never once gave you any reason to not trust me, but I was accused of doing things and often inferred that I might and challenged about innocuous things that were never once remotely inappropriate.

 

The constant need for reassurance was exhausting, but I was determined.

I would no sooner acquiesce to a request and you would set the bar higher.

 

Those crazy making conversations where we would try to resolve a conflict - were all the root of some insecurity.

For you feelings are facts. There was no consoling you. It didn’t matter what I said, even if it was my own experience. I was damned.

I sensed the closer I got to the truth the harder you fought to throw me off.

 

I never stood chance.

I paid the price for everyone that disappointed you in the past and I naively thought if I loved you more than

anyone before me, you would trust me.

That isn’t what I signed up for, S. At least not knowingly.

 

You just don’t trust women.

And. . .I just happened to be one.

 

I can feel myself in a moment about to shed a few tears; not only is this heartbreaking, but I can relate to this so well. I've got a letter of my own that I've written, but like you I will never send it.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're making strides to get better. You'll be okay.

[reinventmyself]

I can feel myself in a moment about to shed a few tears; not only is this heartbreaking, but I can relate to this so well. I've got a letter of my own that I've written, but like you I will never send it.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're making strides to get better. You'll be okay.

 

Thanks Lightwave. I've been following your journal but haven't commented. Just wanted to say hello.

[reinventmyself]

Just for the sake of exercising a topic that came up in therapy -

 

I played out an incident for feedback and my therapist said something to me that he had called me out on during my marriage several times before:

Meeting S after tennis and he is sitting with his friend K. K has a gf, T and we have double dated with this couple once and on several occasions I suggested we do it again. But it went unheard. I didn't think much of it.

 

I sit down across from K. S is to my left and I engage K about his trip to Italy with his gf. We had a nice exchange but I am noticing S is quiet and he is sitting further back from myself, more or less in my peripheral site and I feel uneasy because he is quiet. With that I assume S is getting bothered that I am engaging K. So I sit back in my chair to match S's position and I dial back my participation in the conversation.

 

We are wrapping up and K asks us what our plans were for the evening. Just so happens we were going out to dinner and so were K and his gf T. Ken asks at least 4 times in 4 different ways if we would dine with them. S blocks K each time. I don't think K caught on to what was going on and it ended with K saying `well, text us and let us know where you end up and we'll join you'

 

S and I are walking to the car.

I ask S if he realized K was trying to coordinate something with us. . and S blocks me as well.

I stuffed the fact that that simple exchange might have possibly upset S.

He couldn't possibly be that insecure. .but, yes, yes he was.

We ate dinner alone.

 

My therapist asked me if I could redo this moment, what might I have done differently. I didn't have an answer.

My therapist said I could have engaged S in the moment K & I were talking and asked him directly why he was so quiet.

 

I told my therapist I let it go because I didn't want to create a conflict.

My therapist explains to me `But there was a conflict ensuing already.

'S may not be saying anything but the conflict is screaming loud and clear and you didn't address it'

 

A flash back of my marriage when I stated I didn't want to `rock the boat'

Therapist: `But the boat is rocking so hard it's about to tip and you don't say anything"

[Ms Darcy]

I wish I could like this. You've come such a long way. I love the way you ended your letter.

 

I agree. Just for an out of the box suggestion, have you thought about writing a letter to yourself? Maybe you aren't ready for it now. But perhaps some reflection on something meaningful to you. Maybe a eulogy to habits you want to let go of, maybe a self-gratitude letter.

 

You are trying to write your way back to self control. That's healthy.

[reinventmyself]

I agree. Just for an out of the box suggestion, have you thought about writing a letter to yourself? Maybe you aren't ready for it now. But perhaps some reflection on something meaningful to you. Maybe a eulogy to habits you want to let go of, maybe a self-gratitude letter.

 

You are trying to write your way back to self control. That's healthy.

It's a good idea and you are right. . I have thought about it and I am getting there.

I am typically pretty good at acknowledging things I am grateful for and I have so much.

That and positive affirmations. I've just been a really stuck lately. Trying to get unstuck and at the same time respecting the pace.

I get really frustrated when I can't hurry up the process.

I think the anxiety may be gone. I realized last night sitting with my friends that anxiety is that little voice that is telling me that there is something inherently wrong with me. My relationships reflect that back to me and it becomes this cycle where I am punishing myself. I can't tell what's mine, what's theirs and the lines get blurry.

Or better yet. . I make it blurry so that way I don't have to act on it.

 

That's where therapy helps. He reminds me that my choices aren't the best but I am perfectly ok just the way I am.

 

If I convince myself there is something wrong with me, I shoulder the blame and excuse their behavior.

 

 

Ugh. I am tired of learning this lesson over and over.

[notalady]

Just for the sake of exercising a topic that came up in therapy -

 

I played out an incident for feedback and my therapist said something to me that he had called me out on during my marriage several times before:

Meeting S after tennis and he is sitting with his friend K. K has a gf, T and we have double dated with this couple once and on several occasions I suggested we do it again. But it went unheard. I didn't think much of it.

 

I sit down across from K. S is to my left and I engage K about his trip to Italy with his gf. We had a nice exchange but I am noticing S is quiet and he is sitting further back from myself, more or less in my peripheral site and I feel uneasy because he is quiet. With that I assume S is getting bothered that I am engaging K. So I sit back in my chair to match S's position and I dial back my participation in the conversation.

 

We are wrapping up and K asks us what our plans were for the evening. Just so happens we were going out to dinner and so were K and his gf T. Ken asks at least 4 times in 4 different ways if we would dine with them. S blocks K each time. I don't think K caught on to what was going on and it ended with K saying `well, text us and let us know where you end up and we'll join you'

 

S and I are walking to the car.

I ask S if he realized K was trying to coordinate something with us. . and S blocks me as well.

I stuffed the fact that that simple exchange might have possibly upset S.

He couldn't possibly be that insecure. .but, yes, yes he was.

We ate dinner alone.

 

My therapist asked me if I could redo this moment, what might I have done differently. I didn't have an answer.

My therapist said I could have engaged S in the moment K & I were talking and asked him directly why he was so quiet.

 

I told my therapist I let it go because I didn't want to create a conflict.

My therapist explains to me `But there was a conflict ensuing already.

'S may not be saying anything but the conflict is screaming loud and clear and you didn't address it'

 

A flash back of my marriage when I stated I didn't want to `rock the boat'

Therapist: `But the boat is rocking so hard it's about to tip and you don't say anything"

 

I would've not said anything when his friends are there but definitely would've asked him why he was quiet after they left. I don't know what you would achieve by asking when the friends are right there, kind of putting him on the spot, no? It's not like anyone (S included) would open up about their insecurities in front of a group in that situation? But I do agree with your therapist that there was a conflict already.

 

But honestly, what could you have done with someone this petty and insecure (big red flag) other than breaking up..

[notalady]

One gal who didn't join us because she's in Hawaii with her bf of one year and posting all sorts of fabulous pictures of her romantic vacation. As it turns out this is this couples last 'hail mary' to see if this troubled relationship can be salvaged. I would have never guessed.

 

That's the thing about social media, people, as expected, always post the glamorous part but not the troubled side. So you would never really know until things ended and you go oh, I didn't see that coming.

 

Early this year, a local footballer and his partner went to a wedding, and later that night when they got home, he chased and ran his partner over with a car and killed her, news reported he's been abusive of her for a long time. And yet just two weeks before, she was gushing all over Facebook about what a wonderful, kind, caring man he is, even though the abuse had been going on for ages.

 

When discussing this news with a friend, she told me her friend who married a guy that she was never that happy with, but she just wanted to be married, it was better than being alone (her words), she had posted flowers on Facebook and said it was from her lovely husband for no reason, everyone was envious, but my friend knew the truth, they had a big fight and he slept on the couch, he was sending flowers to apologise.

 

That's why whenever I see someone gush over their partner publically on Facebook, or post photos of flowers and gifts from partners "for no reason", or overall showing off their relationship, I always take it with a big grain of salt.

 

Interesting and sad how deceiving people can be, often not with an intention to fool the world but themselves.

[LightWave93]

That's why whenever I see someone gush over their partner publically on Facebook, or post photos of flowers and gifts from partners "for no reason", or overall showing off their relationship, I always take it with a big grain of salt.

 

Interesting and sad how deceiving people can be, often not with an intention to fool the world but themselves.

 

As a university student, this couldn't be more true. I see this ALL THE TIME. One couple on my Facebook paint themselves out to be loving, caring etc, yet I know that for a good month or so the girl was flirting with other men. Another couple do the same thing but for weeks they were arguing constantly over something trivial. I know of other people who do the same thing, and their relationships are far from perfect.

 

I try to take social media with a grain of salt because of stuff like this, but still...it is genuinely amazing sometimes what goes on behind closed doors.

[reinventmyself]

But honestly, what could you have done with someone this petty and insecure (big red flag) other than breaking up..

 

or the rub. . when they break up with you ;/

[reinventmyself]

It's Friday slow day at work so I'll keep writing.

 

Our final argument:

We had just finished a bike ride, jumped in the pool. It's 4th of July and our plans were up in the air for the evening.

I shower and I am blow drying my hair. S is relaxing on my bed with his eyes closed.

 

I'm done, I jump on the bed, lean up against him and show S fb updates and chatting about what our evenings choices might be.

He's quiet but I am assuming it's because he had dozed off.

Next thing I know, he gets up and leaves. I don't think much of it initially and then I realized he was down stairs and now I am sitting on the bed alone. I go downstairs to find S moving about putting things away and he seemed tense.

I am sitting on the stairs watching him and I ask him if he's ok. `yes'

'Are you sure, you seem upset' . 'yes'

With that he moves and stands in front of where I am sitting. His face looks very angry.

I don't recall his words but he asks me why I didn't initiate sex with him. After all `it was a perfect lazy afternoon' and I should have at least tried.

Me: I'm sorry, it wasn't even on my radar. I thought we needed to get ready to leave

(apparently it didn't matter that we were intimate that morning and night before) because in that moment he tells me that he didn't feel I desired him and he didn't feel he was enough. He tends to use very global language and the way in which he is sharing with me how he feels, it's as if the entire 8mo were erased, because in that very moment my `actions spoke louder than words'

I tried defending myself. He barks `you don't need to defend yourself'

He asks if I noticed that he was being flirty before I got in the shower.

He was but it was no different than he was 100% of the time. S is very physically affectionate. (as am I)

This was no different. If I acted on it everytime we would never be vertical for that matter.

 

I tried being empathic and telling him that if that is what he wanted to happen I could understand being disappointed.

At the same time I gently tell him he could have shared with me that's what he wanted. I would want to know that.

 

He was relentless. I tried saying nothing, listening and thoughtfully touched him arm while he shared with me `that this was an insecurity of his'

I am thinking to myself `geez. . this is the one things I thought we got right (sex) and to hear him say he didn't feel adequate was absolutely baffling'

 

I tell him that when I say I am very attracted to him, it isn't because it's the politically correct thing to say, but I am honestly very attracted and I when you think of it, I would be the authority on how I feel and once again he needed to trust me.

Again - `actions speak louder than words' He continues to escalate.

There was no consoling him. It's not like I denied being intimate with him and now looking back, God forbid!

Now we are pretty much arguing about how we argue.

I just stop talking. I really hadn't said all that much up until this point. Probably because I was avoiding another conflict.

But in that moment as I sat on my hands and literally put one my hand on my mouth and shook my head, no.. . he baited me over and over again to say something, anything. But I refused. He's done this before and I am not going to engage in the a crazy conversation that goes off the rails. I told him that I don't think there isn't anything left I can say to fix this.

I ask him what he really needed from me in that moment and I didn't get a straight answer. It was all very confusing.

 

We sat from 7pm till midnight on the 4th of July and he shut me out. We watched a movie in silence.

After a few hours I tried touching him here and there, I rubbed his arm. He barely responded.

We went to bed not speaking. I was exhausted, drained and confused.

 

We woke up the next morning pretty much at the same time. I barely slept. I started crying and he hugged me. I remember telling him

"I love you S, but I am not here to hurt you and I don't know what's going on. I can't believe I am at this point in my life and I am sleeping next to an angry man in my bed who won't touch me and I don't know how to make this better" He hugs me tighter

 

He left saying we needed a breather.

The following day he said he needed to end it because `we couldn't resolve conflicts'

[notalady]

Your example about 4th July reminds me of my ex, the amount of times when things were good, when it was meant to be a time for happiness and celebration, when I was relaxed and let my guard down, BAM he'd create some kind of drama in which I've somehow spoken to him in the wrong tone / made the wrong joke / forgot to change the toilet paper ONCE / put a glass of water on a glass top table without wiping it first / done one thing or another wrong, and we spend hours trying to explain ourselves and sorting it out, and it completely ruins what was meant to be a good time.

 

Sometimes I think that's a good sign that a relationship isn't working, that is, when things are going well, there always seem to be conflicts pulling the relationship back. Like one step forward two steps back.